50 queries from the weblog addressed, Vol. 4

Monday, 1 March 2004

With Volume 4 we bid adieu to the query logs.

What is a stiff neck?
A symptom of poor posture. Oh, and meningitis.
How much is 100,000?
You people and your trick questions!
How others see me.
In all your 72dpi jpeg glory.
How to attract butterflies.
Pee everywhere. Butterflies love pee. No, seriously. No, damnit, this time it’s not a joke!
Howto Site How did you do this site?
Perl, Apache, Asmara espresso, Template::Toolkit, Fireworks, Jameson whiskey, and a lot of music I don’t insist that you know I’m listening to right now. Class::DBI too but they don’t have a logo to dilute honor. Oh, alright, Andy! A couple backend pieces run on WWW::Mechanize.
When your child is not well liked.
The apple takes a good bounce now and then but maybe not this time.
What is the average IQ?
I answered this already. The answer is itself an IQ test. I’ll only say this once. There is a secret message on this page. Find it and you get your answer and proof that your IQ is at least 90.
How to start making my own show on PBS kids.
For the love of Janet’s Starry-Starry Nipple, don’t start by studying child psychology.
What to find in Hamsterdam?
Goddamnit, stop! You’ll drive me mad too.
What is a sole mate?
Best answered here.
What is masquerading?
Showing up to work if you’re in marketing.
When will the nuclear explosion happen?

When the first Muslim country to underestimate Israel’s willingness and ability to retaliate 7-fold gets the bomb.
What your friends say about you?
If you brush and floss daily there is nothing all that bad they can say.
Where to buy dope.
Why don’t you phone your Sheriff’s office? They know most of the drug dealers in the county. They’ll be glad to help you.
Where to buy dope in Seattle.
The boardwalk at the piers after dark. But beware the CM.
Which would you like to drink?
Mmmm, generous offer. How about… your blood?
When to use “an” with words that start with “h.”
When the word has no “h” sound. “An” is used to smooth the transfer from one vowel sound “a” to another like “o” in “an honor.” Or when the calendar reads the 1801 again.
Do snakes have hearts?
And ribs, which decided the only bet I’ve ever won. Ha, Will. You still owe me 50¢, you know.
Do you something about snakes?
I used to for 5¢ a snake. But I don’t have any neighbors who are terrified of garter snakes now so I’m currently unemployed.
How to cork bat.
That’s cheating. Cheaters never prosper. Except in baseball. And the Olympics. And politics. And business. And you get the idea.
How to write angry poetry.
If you have to ask, you’re not angry enough yet. I would be glad to refer you to recent world history, my little black book, or my last manager for help.
How we elect presidents in the USA.
Well, first off, two political parties funded entirely by corporations and churches pick two marionettes with palatable mugs to parade in front of the television. Then, after about a year of that, somewhere between 49% and 62% of US citizens turn out to vote. These votes are then discarded. The electoral college, another group owned by the two parties, steps in. They are conscience bound to vote with the people of their state but they in fact have no legally binding requirements in many states and can vote for a sausage if they feel like it.
How to provide baby hummingbirds with protein.
Keep a semi-wild yard without pesticides. Hummingbirds eat little insects, spiders, and other goodies besides flower nectar.
How to tell if a baby is of mixed race.
Start with yourself. If you don’t have full genealogical records going back at least 1,000 years then you are of mixed race. It’s nice when we have things in common, isn’t it?
How to tell if you’ve had too much coffee.
Can you sleep? Can you hold your hand out without tremors? You’ve haven’t had too much.
How to tell someone they are not liked.
Telling someone they are not well liked is a favor. If you don’t like them, don’t do them any favors.
How to torture.
Try LiveJournal or Blogger.
How to write a love note.
Like you knew it was going to be read aloud at a party as an amusing break from beer bonging, cocaine, and banging 15-year-olds. Never got to thank you for that, Eric Flores.
How to write system admin resume.
Get some help from someone who knows English well enough to try to spell cron with an “h.”
How ugly is the Devil?
He’s not. He’s the angel of light: Lucifer, luc- meaning light. He’s the most beautiful thing you’ll ever regret seeing for the rest of eternity.
How was the Devil born?
The Devil was a chief Seraph (an arch-angel) and God’s highest officer. The Bible is sketchy on the origin of the angels and the reasons for the Fall. The Apocrypha go into more detail but it’s a sin to read them.
How well-liked are you?
Me? If you ask the dog, really exceedingly well.
How women orgasm.
Differently. Each and every one.
How to build night vision goggles.
Go back to school. Try some science courses this time.
How to convince a man to have a baby.
Stop talking crazy. Any man who has to be convinced will be a terrible, and likely temporary, father.
How to criticize music.
Stop paying for it.
How to do self-cunnilingus.
10 years of Yoga, maybe.
How to find vulnerability.
Just push a few buttons. Whatever anyone gets upset about is the weak spot. For example, if I say, “Your mom is a lousy lay and she owes me change for that $20,” or “The Immaculate Conception is the holiday celebrating the night God fucked Mary,” and you get upset, I’ve discovered a vulnerability.
Who is Fat Bastard?
Also known as CM, Chronic Motherfucker, he is a friend of mine. Well, friend is a pretty strong word.
How a Chinese girl got her name.
Often, the family will consult an astrologer for good choices but that’s less common as time goes by. Oh, you were thinking of that totally racist joke about the silverware and the sink, yeah? Fuck you, Billy, and fuck the plastic silverware your mom fed you with growing up in the trailer park.
How big is a 36-25-36 woman?
If she’s 4'11", too big.
Why are frogs dying in a backyard pond?
Amphibians have permeable skin. You’ve probably got some kind of toxin getting into the water; though it could be disease or parasites too, that’s less likely. Don’t wash your car or let any soaps or oils within at least 50 yards of the pond or rain water will probably wash it in. Don’t paint or use any chemical cleaners or purifiers in the pond either. If you have pets, clean up after them. Feces can run into the water and promote organisms dangerous to amphibians.
How can I see if my friend is online?
Ask him or her, either via email or with an IM client. If you’re snooping, you’re not a friend.
How did JFK won the 1960 election?
By the slimmest margin possible. And by saying nuclear war was almost on us and promising he’d go after Communists. Maybe also had the help of registering lots of dead people to vote. The Democrats and their union sponsors were legendary for that back in the day.
How died Chelsea Clinton?
She was in the trunk of Princess Di’s car. The government used their secret cloning lab and millions of dollars of tax payer money to rebuild her. Unfortunately, not any better than before.
How do we know that the first living things did not require oxygen?
Because there was very little free oxygen back then. The cooling Earth was off gassing mostly carbon dioxide (oxygen but locked on the carbon).
How did Bukowski die.
With his boots on, motherfucker.
Who was Schwarzenegger’s first wife?
Jane Wyman. Well, same thing.
Why Americans are better?
In the old days, when this was often true, it was because America was the only country in the world which promoted success through the simple art of refusing to reward failure.
It’s not true anymore, so don’t worry about it.
How did Thomas Paine die?
Like all successful political essayists, he died in illness, poor, ostracized, and despised.

Volume 1, Volume 2, and Volume 3 long for your awkward caress.

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