Maybe when God catches up on his schedule and goes out of love mode back to full on wrath and cuts loose His terrible fury for the first time since He popularized infanticide in Egypt, gays who marry will go to the low place as the Pope recently opined. Or maybe some of the biblical scholars who rightly note that Revelation seems to describe the 7 hills of Rome as the home playing field of the anti-Christ have something.

Anyone who has studied either art history or Catholic symbology knows the dove is not the symbol of peace. For the Church it is the symbol of the Holy Ghost. The third of the divine Trinity with Father and Son. Anyone knowing this and seeing the dove incident recently was either horrified or laughed till I had to put my jeans in the wash, depending on one’s state of grace.

The Pope spastically swatting at a dove is the symbolic equivalent of him urinating on a cross or using the Old Testament for toilet paper.

Just saying.

Why you should link to Sedition·com, the expurgated version.

• To stick it to the Man.
• Revenge against the priest who molested you. Shhh, we won’t tell!

• No pain, no gain.
• So you can see the expression on your friends’ faces when they ask, “Why the fuck did you put a link to that crypto-fascist on your blog?”
• To get back at your parents.
• To get previews of upcoming news items before the rest of the world; like the completely unexpected Ted Rall, Ann Coulter Wedding Announcement, broken here a week before the Times ran it.
• Because all the popular sites are overlinked. “Gee, I never heard of slashdot before, thanks!”

When faced with deciding which is a greater problem in daily life, one must conclude that terror disrupts far fewer American lives than online journalism. It’s time we took the threat seriously.

We provide the following blog terror alert level indicators as a public service [Ed: and final payment on the court-ordered community service]. We hope we’re in time to save lives.

Copy any of the individual script text into your HTML template to get the alert level it appears beneath.

Severe: Naturalism. Rife with the endless, meaningless details that make up daily life.

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/js/blog.js?t=naturalism"> </script>

High: Deep Recursion. Also known as Motel Mirror — all “content” is about blogging or other blogs.

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/js/blog.js?t=recursion"> </script>

High: Scatological (02/21/2005). Focus is on feces, reproductive anatomy, or “self-abuse.” Topic suggested by Daniel at dontfeedthemonkeys.com

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/js/blog.js?t=scat"> </script>

High: M&Ms (02/24/2005). Misanthropy, malice, misogyny, mordancy, morosity, and misery. Topic suggested by ianrbruce

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/js/blog.js?t=mm"> </script>

Elevated: One-Trick Pony. Had a few excellent posts once, now awash in pointless mediocrity.

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/js/blog.js?t=pony"> </script>

Elevated: Remedial Design (02/20/2005). Page layout and color scheme may induce epileptic seizures.

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/js/blog.js?t=design"> </script>

Guarded: Dilettante (02/20/2005). Tedious reviews of subtitled films and pretentious indie music. Courtesy of Vicky at thehighrise.org

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/js/blog.js?t=dilettante"> </script>

Guarded: Schizophrenic (02/21/2005). Roulette of dream logic, celebrity hate mail, and relived episodes. Courtesy of Ashley after a little self-examination

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/js/blog.js?t=schizo"> </script>

Guarded: Self-Promotion. Serves only to promote blogger’s side-projects and business.

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/js/blog.js?t=pr"> </script>

Low: Train Wreck (02/21/2005). The downward spiral in HTML—keep a safe distance to enjoy.

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/js/blog.js?t=wreck"> </script>

Low: Narcissism (hers). Nothing but a long love letter the blogger is writing to herself.

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/js/blog.js?t=narcissism-hers"> </script>

Low: Narcissism (his). Nothing but a long love letter the blogger is writing to himself.

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/js/blog.js?t=narcissism-his"> </script>

Randomly selected for spice

Copy the script text below into your web page to get a random selection from the above displayed.

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/js/blog.js?t=random"> </script>

Tech notes

Images are 160x50 pixels with a transparent background (the box with the tiny text is white, though) so the curves look good on backgrounds other than white.

The images, when displayed on your site, will link back to this page’s permanent link on Sedition.com. If you have any trouble or feedback, please let us know.

If you’re interested in the JavaScript techniques that drive the alerts please check out Passing JavaScript arguments via the src attribute.

Billy Bob Thornton actor obsessive compulsive disorder

Can’t speak to that but can assert this.

hitler was the devil

No, he wasn’t. The fact that anyone can think so is proof of how much danger the world is in for coming decades. It hides the fact that otherwise ordinary human beings are capable of gargantuan evil, and small-minded fools who forget this are willing conscripts to the legion just waiting for the high sign.

how old is ann coulter

Revelation is not specific on the matter but it does indicate she is quite the equestrian.

How to make a nuclear bomb to kill Bush.

Has not one of you morons ever heard of an AR-15 or a Remington 700? What kind of Home Ec classes are public schools running nowadays that kids don’t know how to budget realistically for their dreams?

chomsky iq

With the frequency this turns up, it sounds like a few fans are just a wee bit defensive about the intelligence of the hero. I wonder if the semantics of Cambodian are set at birth as well. Anyway, Chomsky may well have a high IQ, at least as high as some other rather clever historical figures like Dr Josef Mengele or even Dr Condoleeza Rice, God bless her sweetened condensed heart.

I do seem to write about Will a lot.

He came up to me fresh from his trip and said, “You have to start lifting. I saw this guy who looked exactly like you surfing on Corfu, long hair, tan, and totally ripped. He was the coolest looking thing I ever saw.”

Back up a bit to when we were 16 and 17. Will lifted and had a fabulous physique. One dream about David Bowie kissing my ear aside, I’m as straight as they… come. Just so, I can tell you, Will’s a good looking guy. Ice blue eyes, dark brown hair. Not too built.

I did not lift weights. I trained martial arts. As an anti-jock who could do push-ups in a handstand and 300 sit-ups in 2 minutes, I had the disdain for weights that you might expect. We were in his room and his weights were out.

He was urging me to start lifting. I pointed to his curling set and said, “How many of those do you usually do?”

He said, “Forty.”

I picked them up. It was a lot of weight. I cranked out the forty in seconds, tossing Tinker Toys, and the discussion was over. We went back to doing gymnastics in the church or making morning stars or whatever we were doing at the time. He didn’t try to get me to lift again till after his Greek vacation a couple years later. I think it spooked him how strong I was without ever having touched a weight set.

Forgive me, Will. I never confessed. The next morning I needed help putting on my shirt because I could not raise my arms above my shoulders for three days.

Presented without commercial interruption or rectilinear asides.

The Circles

Excerpted from Mono-medium Macro Mutual Masturbation in Perspective-Free Contexts: a tale of rubbing each other’s tails. It’s the hotly anticipated sequel to my phenomenally successful sophomore effort Stochastic Teleology: the Astrology of the Bloggerati.

I do hope you’ll grab it when I bring it out this Fall. It’s a great, big stocking stuffer.

A former fan, dissatisfied with either naked little girls or perhaps the postulation that 1/3 of the world’s future GDPs might necessarily be spent on memorials for the 1,000^th World War, writes:

That one wasn’t very funny.

I don’t have to be funny. I read and enjoyed Moby Dick without having it assigned. It was the sole pursuit of the second best vacation I’ve ever had. And that includes accounting the stomach virus that Lisa, Squishy, and I all had at the time.

This is a sort of mental spam trap. There are no nude girls here. Well, there are a couple here but none on this site. Well, if pressed, yowser!, one must admit there are pieces of a few here and here. If you don’t know how to use Google’s image search to find porn, you deserve this kind of sidetracking.

No underage nudes, only information about your general hunger for them. So if you’re here to find skin, you’ll only find your own, flapping on the fence post. Pow, whatcha gonna do now?

The graphs and data below come from searches referring visitors to Sedition·com in the past 18 months. If you’re curious to see some searches that bring people here as they happen, here is the referring searches page; enjoy the fruitless debauchery.

That’s right, you’re looking for naked girls about 13 years of age. Boy, that’s charming. I had a hunch it would bell-out there and I was right. Here are some more lies, I mean statistics. To think I got my first $15,000 raise for doing this same sort of stuff at Amazon.com where my audience was also not listening.

                   mean -->> 14.07
                 median -->> 13.00
     standard_deviation -->>  5.49

There were tiny statistical spikes at 40 and 65 but they didn’t even reach the size of age groups like 4 and 5, and they’re not revolting, so they’re left out of the graphs.

The more you know: child pornography

As a public service, I’d like to remind the viewers at home that:

1. Underage porn, even the softest-core, and they are oh, so soft at that age, will land you in the big house (not to be confused with the monkey house, aka 1600 Pennsylvania Ave).
2. Many browsers keep a history of where you go, what you search for, and even what you type. And other persons’ webservers, like mine, record the same information by your IP which is usually traceable back to you.
3. If none of the above has sunk in, I’ll spell it out. If you actually manage to find underage nude girls online, which you probably won’t, prison is just one dime-drop away for as long as the statute of limitations in your state lasts, i.e. years.

The numbers

Selected levels of national perversion in ascending magnitude of collective deviance.

As usual, America retains its clear dominance in a field that is pathetic, perverted, and sad.

Update, 21 June 2007

There is a less ironic explication of sorts here–Viewer mail: underage pornography.

EXT, MURKY DAYLIGHT, ENDLESS CONCRETE PLANE, LONG SHOT. Catapulted SEVERAL HUNDRED YEARS INTO THE FUTURE our hero JASPER, white, mid 30s, clean cut, finds himself standing before a colossal, pyramid-shaped MONUMENT 150 meters high. It is the green patina of long weathered copper rich bronze.

Pavement — somehow translucent, showing motion? movement? traffic? beneath — stretches to the horizon on the three visible cardinal points. JASPER can’t see past the MONUMENT. It could the only feature of all the known world.

MEDIUM SHOT Stepping forward on the slightly springy, iridescent concrete? to put a palm on the immovable, cold metal, JASPER can see the MONUMENT’s pattern. The motif resolves itself into 1/4 scale skulls; stacked at 43° to the greening sky.

A MAN, 20ish, looks Finnish, dressed in the monochromatic clothes of a retiree, is somehow disgorged by the pavement, a few feet from JASPER. He steps forward and throws a handful of something semi-visible, glitter-like at the MONUMENT. It makes no sound as it disappears into the metal.

JASPER

Excuse me. What is this?

MAN

(Has gentle accent, vaguely Canadian and Hindu at the same time)

Grain Flats.

JASPER

What?

MAN

What?

JASPER

(Points to the MONUMENT)

MAN

Put when the bounce. Finally.

JASPER

(Shakes his head in confusion)

MAN

After the war.

JASPER

This is a war monument?

MAN

Yeah, no? You okay?

JASPER

What does it mean? The skulls?

MAN

Well, they just guessing. No one’s an idea how many really to the Z.

JASPER

What…? This is meant to be an accurate representation of how many died?

MAN

(Shrugs)

JASPER

…Which war was it?

MAN

World War M.

JASPER

An alphabetic designation. I don’t… Unbelievable.

MAN

What “alphabetic designation?”

JASPER

You know. A, B, C. To M. What does that make it? 13? My God.

MAN

Nothing about the alphabet. It’s Roman numeral.

CUT TO WHITE. WISH IT AWAY. BELIEVE IT’S EVEN POSSIBLE IT MIGHT GO.

Georgie-porgie, pudding-pie, kissed the girls and made them cry.

Every credible study has shown that sexual orientation has no affect on parenting ability. HRC Political Director Winnie Stachelberg

I’ll go one further. I strongly suspect that gay parents aren’t just as good. They’re better.

Most, especially white heterosexuals, have never had to dwell one minute in consideration of their role in society and the world. The level of introspection they are compelled to undertake is all but nill. When you have never spent much time thinking about who you are, and why, and what it all means, you just can’t be as good a parent as someone who has. It won’t take 20 years of research to back me up that gays are generally encouraged by life to undertake a higher than average degree of self-examination.

On the other hand, most people—gay, black, white, striped, or otherwise—are lousy parents anyway. If you’ve never been particularly good at anything in your life, why would you be any better at something as difficult as raising a child?

I guess I’m out of words for calling someone stupid. I am sad.

This guy on the bus this morning was lecturing another guy on the bus this morning about what a mess Arizona is and how when they started it the company wasn’t really doing any Java so of course it was a mess. The guy on the bus telling the other guy what-was-what apparently didn’t start at Amazon till after Arizona’s predecessor, Atlas, was dead and flushed.

Atlas was a monochromatic, multi-million dollar experiment in just how really awful Java can be. 18 months to 22% code complete. 80% user abandonment rate in favor of a quite difficult set of command line tools because the UI was so bad and it was so, so, so slow. Anyone who has the words Amazon and Atlas on his or her resume in the same entry should not be considered for employment anywhere but the DMV. In fact, if the statute of limitations hasn’t passed, you might even consider dropping a dime.

Then on the way home a couple things happened. I didn’t have drinks with Peter Keating. A cop was nice to me. And someone on the bus was reading a book that was about loving life and not being a thief.

Now it’s okay. You’re all safe again. I can even enjoy these phenomenally Anglo enchiladas without getting the least bit upset.

aardvark tongue length.

Ask your mom, sport. She’s a regular zoologist on the topic.

alternate spellings of Mohammed

I’m not sure how to spell it but it’s pronounced: os-wee-pay.

article of prejudice

It’s “the.” Try it yourself. I don’t have a problem with blacks. I don’t have a problem with the blacks.

Barnaby is a stupid name

Ha, ha.

BOURBON AND ANGER

I prefer a beer back but I’ll try it if you recommend it.

alternative word for crack whore

<script type="text/javascript">
  document.write( remoteUser.mother.name );
</script>

When should you take a iq test?

Sometimes it’s unnecessary to take an IQ test to get a fair approximation of one’s IQ. For example, if one can’t even use the most basic parts of speech—like articles—correctly, one is surely in the 85-90 zone at best.

can a tiger kill a bear?

A bear, specifically the Kodiak subspecies of brown bear, aka grizzly, can be more than 1,500 pounds of ground shaking muscle.

A tiger, specifically the Siberian subspecies, can be more than 675 pounds of silent death in a fur coat.

So, at first blush you might suspect the bear has the upper hand. But size isn’t always the final arbiter of physical confrontation. Cats are natural born killers with one of the least efficient digestive systems in the animal kingdom specifically because they are so good at killing that they don’t have to worry about how long a meal lasts. Bears on the other hand are more prone to scrapping, and the surreal amount of hot lead that it can take to bring down a Kodiak is well documented.

Unless it’s a large grizzly, my money’s on the tiger. If it is a grizzly, it might go the bear’s way but that will be one sorry ass looking one-eyed gimp bear if it gets out alive.

2004 saw a little over 1.8 million page views for Sedition·com. And, all c-bombs aside, I was on the debate team, I did get a 5.2 GPA the same semester, and the ability to detect irony is most all that separates the wheat from the chaff.

V.

I have to congratulate you. This whole spreading freedom thing really is working out.

Did you know, for example, that you can now buy private property in Vietnam!? I had no idea.

Do you know why? Because they got left the fuck alone till they realized that commerce and ownership is in everyone’s interest. Blah, blah, blah. Bonk, bonk on the head!

I almost went into teaching high school. It’s such an electric time for the mind. They lie about so much then. They don’t tell you how you’re being held back. They don’t tell you that Michelangelo carved the Sistine Pietà before he was 25. That Isaac Newton developed calculus a bit younger than that. What is known so deeply at 16, that life is all but over at 25 and all but gone at 30, isn’t anything but Truth. School, except for that one, sometimes, teacher is nothing but social gelding, graduating social skills enough for Retail or Burgertown.

The emotions without a name in any dirt born language, the intensity, the clarity. I knew at 17 I was smarter than I ever would be again. Every year some sophistication, insight, and control improves, but about the rest, I was right.

School, like all bureaucracy and public works where there is neither punishment for ineptitude nor reward for excellence, gravitates toward the lowest point possible. Of course it’s a waste. Of course they can’t see it. You do. Unless you go ivy league, you’ll see the same or worse at university.

The things I wish I knew then: What’s right is what’s right because it keeps you sane and in self-respect; those are things that matter. Loneliness is always temporary and it’s not the worst thing, by far, in life. Happiness isn’t wrong and it persists past its weaker cousins. The ones who don’t get it don’t matter; you can’t get mad at them, you can’t blame them; they’re not in your way, only you are.

You’re twigging early to it. It’s not fun but it’s good. A lot, I mean most, don’t get it till they’re waist deep in a 30-year mortgage, a fictitious marriage and a stack of babies, with a cheap seat at the cube farm, hair growing in the ears.

I’m not sure why you thought to write me. I’m glad you did. Don’t toss your moment or surrender your clarity. Don’t flinch.

I started a quote database project recently. I’m spending real cash money to get it going. That’s how serious I am. I eat instant macaroni and $2 Vietnamese sandwiches of leftovers on baguettes for lunch to save money but I’m paying editors to gather quotes. Well, “paying” is a bit strong. Money is changing hands though.

I remarked in an email to one of them that I used to write art reviews for The Taos News for a dollar a column inch. I always thought they’d fire me for the unflattering reviews I wrote. There are 120 galleries in a town of 10,000. It isn’t even airport quality. For example, there was a $9,000 painting by Bill Rane in the Taos Inn lobby that looked like it was framed by rolling it in mud and kindling.¹

They semi-fired me after all. They said it wasn’t because I had irritated many millionaires making money by rolling ducking in trash and colored glue but because I write in incomplete sentences. Like Steinbeck. Or Shakespeare.² It’s especially amusing if you’ve read the paper.

Barnaby called majenta unquotable, yet a quote from his entry into issue #8, “Reactionary Fungi,” was the third quote added to the database. Contrary to what Todd Dead White Mountain might have you believe, I’m not a crypto-fascist, however, if it were in my power to physically compel every adult in the temporarily-un-free world to read that essay, I probably would.

Maybe Oscar Wilde could get away with playing the quotable game shamelessly—or maybe he didn’t after all—I can’t. So I must call attention to it. Reverse psychology. Fragmented. Sentence.

I used to make a dollar an inch. I guess for some people that wouldn’t be much but it worked out okay for me.

bioterrorism discussion questions

Were you aware that the plain old 100% natural flu killed at least 20,000,000 (20 million) people less than 90 years ago?

Did you know that 2,000,000 (2 million) children will die this year from diarrhea caused by non-partisan bioweapons like cholera?

Were you aware that more Americans will die of pneumonia in the next month than were killed by terrorists on September 11th, 2001?

Can you think of a way that a can of gasoline can kill more people than a few envelopes full of anthrax? (hint: think Sadie Hawkins and the gym with only one working exit, now add a chain and padlock.)

Did you notice that without any causal biological vectors at all we’ve become trembling sacks of cartilage?

Queries from the Weblog Addressed #1. All topics, questions, &c will come directly from the weblog. The answers will come from Ireland and Kentucky with just a skosh of ergot.

things not to say when firing someone

We’re really looking for someone with a little less melanin.

Your co-workers constantly complain about your huge breasts being distracting.

We’re not letting you go because you stink, but Jesus that odor helped tip the balance.

Severance pay. Blow job. Severance pay. Blow job. Seems like it would be an easy decision, doesn’t it?

Do you hear that? [silence] It’s the sound of the job market shouting out your name.

I have to let you go because your replacement has shown much less aversion to to a blumpkin now and then.

You know, even though the company has broken about 16 Federal statutes this quarter alone, firing you won’t be one of them.

I just have to ask you since you’re leaving: are you like clinically retarded or is it just a bad case of ADD or what?

We have to lay you off because we have too many people in this division. If 3 or 4 of them were to die in an office shooting or something, we’d have room to take you back though.

What do you say to a goodbye pork?

There are a few reasons why I really must insist you stop equating George W Bush with Adolf Hitler. I apologize if it seems like I recently did the same. It was only for the punchline.

It’s offensive.

Hitler was directly responsible for the torture, enslavement, and slaughter of millions of people. He sparked fires that caused the deaths of 10s of millions more. You know how they showed the photos of soldiers killed in Iraq on 60 Minutes? If they showed the dead from WW II, the show would need a name change, say, 12,000 Hours.

Those people didn’t perish to become a convenient metaphor for your crappy little editorial. And as long as there is a single death camp survivor alive, if you say it in front of me, I will be hard pressed to stay out of prison.

It reveals your ignorance of anything that predates Friends.

What did Lyndon Johnson do? Who was the president who also executed a soldier for desertion? How many times did Nixon lose the presidential election? Which party was infamous for voter fraud? Why were the American hostages in Tehran freed?

In 50 more years the 8 that we’re slogging through now will be less memorable than the 15 minutes a pudgy intern spent on her knees.

It’s completely out of scale.

Hitler forced most of the countries of the world into war; from the end of Africa and the depths of Asia to the top of Finland and ’round the Sargaço sea. He altered the world in ways that have taken 60 years to get over and they’re still not gone.

Bush has done a little economic damage. A handful of soldiers above the peacetime norm have died on his watch. He’s been responsible for the deaths of Iraqis approximately equal to 1/6^th of the number his father killed. In short: he’s a total underachiever, nowhere near the league of earth movers like Hitler or even petty pseudo-despots like his dad, Reagan, or Clinton.

Your bullshit, self-centered, Gen-Y hyperbole may pop you a metric-scale stiffy when you say that your crappy Friday night was the Bhopal disaster all over again, but it’s not true and you only feel like it is because you’re a fucking upper middle class sociopath.

Until the Democratic party is abolished or someone you know is executed for a “Fuck Bush” bumper sticker, it’s an exponential difference in scale. Come back to reality where mole-hills are mole-hills.

It undermines salient points.

It makes you an ass-biting coward.

If you really think Bush is as bad as Hitler, or even close, it would be your duty to humanity to stop him. At any price. If you think he’s Hitler and you’re not out at auntie Em’s practicing day and night with a Remington 700 on an empty case of Bud to be ready the next time he’s in your capital, you’re a coward. And you’re not, so you are. Eat the crow and let it go.

It’s only four years and you could have a law degree and a local political office or your own PAC by then if you really care.

Before you spend another 4 years bitching about how smart you are, Ted, let’s review, shall we?

Oh, I think there is plenty of blame to go around.

My whole family loves music. About half of us are musicians to some level of competency. My mother is a classical pianist and a fair folk guitarist. My old man can play some guitar and I guess he played the recorder and this or that at one point. He’s passed playing much but damn if he doesn’t still love music. I’ve seen him shell out several hundred bucks for a single collection. He’s got drawers and drawers full of CDs. A couple nice amplifiers and various media players and speakers. Considering all the vinyl and hardware iterations, just thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars.

I’m a musician. I resist the temptation to put it in quotes as I resist the temptation to prefix it with professional. Either is fair. I’m so far out of the game, it engenders suicidal feelings but I’ve been paid to play and I’ve written several hundred compositions, some of which are, without reservation, excellent.

At the height of my chops I happened to be living at my parents’ house for several weeks. I had just banged out about 20 new tunes, from Sari-el to Nickel Girl with Copper Lips, almost all winners, and was practicing a lot to get ready to start playing in public again, even if it meant solo.

I was at the end of the practice set, playing The Fate of Man on my American made Jackson Soloist over midi tracks of drums, bass, and trumpet, when my old man stepped into the room. He’d been listening and I’d been getting it tight.

He said, “That sounds really good.”

What? Awesome. First nice thing I can remember him saying about anything I’d done in years. The only previous feedback about my music had been, 1) Turn it down, and 2) That’s pretty dark, isn’t it?

He allowed me about 30 seconds to bask in the rays of duodecennial paternal approval before working around to inquire what it was exactly I was planning on doing to make money in life.

Before you trot out the Phyllis Schlafly Strap-On™ to celebrate with a weekend of WASP-style hedonism I’d like to remind you—your memory does seem to be slipping lately—of other entries on Time’s “Person of the Year” roster.

• Yasser Arafat and FW de Klerk
• Ken Starr
• Mikhail Gorbachev
• Deng Xiaoping
• Richard Milhous Nixon
• Teng Hsiao-P’ing (pre transliteration spelling reform)
• Ayatullah Khomeini
• King Faisal
• Joseph Stalin
• Nikita Khrushchev
• Joseph Stalin
• Jeff Bezos
• Adolf Hitler

So, yeah, I do suppose he earned it. First thing he ever did earn.

My “friend” Barnaby, aka CM, is sort of from LA. I say sort of because I don’t like a single damn person who is from LA and I have to mitigate it somehow. I guess the amount he’s not from LA approximates the amount that I like him after all. ANYWAY.

Absolutely everyone in LA is almost famous or better (and none of them walks). Because this is true, Barnaby introduced me to Billy Bob Thornton one night. I’m sorry I didn’t know who he was to become then. It would have been more fun. It was 1990 or so.

To that starlet or pouting aficionado of other people’s children thinking of getting back together with him, I would like to remind you. The night I met him he was all over the 17 year-old exchange student from Rome we were bringing back from the beach with the others. He picked her out of a van full of teenage girls. Stop pretending like you didn’t know it before I told you.