I wish to God I could remember the exact words but this is close.

Ashley’s idea of a centerfold is scrawling “January” on the bathroom mirror with Cherry Mist lipstick. Todd Weissenberger

The following is taken from the top of the HTML of the US Department of Homeland Security’s homepage.

Those who aren’t web developers might not be worried. Let me worry you.

“lang” is short for language and “de” is the abbreviation for fucking German, excuse my French. There is not one implication of that being there that’s good for anyone.

For a long time I have had a theory that the dimensions of space are integral with time. This “space time” is warped by mass which explains previously mysterious anomalies of gravity like the long-known precession of Mercury’s orbit. But it’s just a theory.

I have a theory that gravity is weaker than the nuclear forces because it doesn’t pull my blood right outta my skin. But it’s just a theory.

I even have a theory that half an eye is better than no eye and that a multi-celled animal that happens to move out of direct light, by whatever mechanism, is going to have better odds for getting it on that night.

You surmise that an intelligent individual should quickly realize evolution’s veracity yet you fail to provide any new evidence. Kelly Olson (LA, CA), Forum, “National Geographic,” March, 2005

New evidence? Jane, you ignorant slut.

Are you aware of the 150 Years Worth of Evidence already on the books? If you don’t know what a Mendel Square is, and you can’t describe what the KT boundary represents, and you can’t explain how humans managed to get 500 breeds of dog out of the wolf in just a few hundred years or why the potato famine McInundated the US with immigrants, you don’t get to have a fucking opinion. Get it? You are ignorant of the entire field and unlike most ignorant people, you don’t have the self-preservation instinct that makes you contract your ventral tract hole.

I’ll sum up what the editors of a polite magazine printed for family consumption can’t: only someone who is actively working on remaining ignorant would be unable to understand evolution’s shriekingly obvious veracity which was so clearly correct that it was accepted by the worldwide scientific community 100 years ago. Saying the theory of gravity is “just a theory” won’t save you from the concrete when you fall.

I’ll even point you to something that might clear up a few things just to show there’s no hard feelings: 15 Answers to Creationist Nonsense. I’ll beat you dumb bastards down one at a time if it takes me 6,000 years.

The greatest part about it is that even were I wrong by some magical, insane, byzantine scheme straight off the drafting table of the Master of Lies, I’ll see you in Hell because you don’t follow your own religion any better than you did high school biology.

For 15 years I have had a vague feeling that Lamarckism was called out too early. Single generation, environment based morphological changes are observed in many animals and even plants as this week’s edition of Nature affirms. This weft in the weave may be the reason Mendel needed to warp his data.

My feelings for Lamarck were graduated to hypothesis in ’98 or so (never seem to get around to peer reviews and publishing).

Gamete production is poorly, when at all, understood. I suggest the genitorial—permit me—state of being might well drive which and how chromosomes are divvied. The infinite complexity of biological chemistry in an animal may well be influenced by how far that fabled giraffe has to stretch its neck on a given lunch break. In fact, there is no way it’s not. Whether or not the resulting changes, however minuscule, influence the bisection of the diploid pie is the only the real question.

A few parts per million of a foreign body, like pollen or venom, can crash the entire system; even wipe it out. It’s not a stretch to posit dietetic, hormonal, weather, &c conditions tweak the percentages of the current cache of sex cells.

An abundance of muscle tissue in a parent, for example, might support a blood chemistry that cuts the chromosomal die along that grain. If a population of moths can flip colors in two or three generations and an anole can predictably mutate into a subspecies in one, there must be something besides split pea soup in the driver’s seat.

Lamarck never had a mechanism and he drastically over-estimated the potency of the phenomena but damn if he wasn’t onto something more sublime than integer math inheritance.

We leave the research and publishing of supporting data as an exercise for the reader. Don’t hesitate to give yourself co-credit, please.

ASHLEY

Can we be apiasts?

JULIE

What?! I can’t hear you in here.

ASHLEY

Can we be apiasts?

JULIE

You mean, do we have the ability?

ASHLEY

I mean, what’s your opinion about it. Would it be okay with you? Can we be apiasts?

JULIE

You mean, we as a family?

ASHLEY

Wait. Do you know what apiast means?

JULIE

Yeah.

ASHLEY

What?

JULIE

Someone who doesn’t believe in God.

Selected Google ranks by search term. Ranks are the number of the result on Google when we checked. “#1” means it’s the first in the results of the search. Links are to the Sedition·com page found. Click on the currency character (¤) to repeat the Google search.

#1 with a bullet, kill all Americans ¤

I glow like a pregnant woman. My chest swells like the father of a girl named Truth. I brag about my genitals and their ability to defeat birth control. I lay roses on the grave of Thomas Paine.

#4, young nude girls ¤

Suckers. I must remark that my young nudists returned to the creek a week ago but the ring leader failed in her entreaties to get the other two au natural. I admit I haven’t been in church lately so I accept the punishment and intend to repent the first Sunday I manage to stay sober till noon.

#3, how to make a nuclear bomb ¤

Another nuclear attack on civilians is inevitable given human nature and the years we’ll have the chance. It would be bad. It wouldn’t be any worse than firebombing 67 civilian cities, though, and that’s what you need to learn for it to matter either way.

#1, problems with America ¤

I had to go and be fucking clever on that one. No one got it. Way to go, asshole.

#67, white trash ¤

This is really lower than I’d like though I didn’t write that one. Sadly, I’m a good cook, I split my drinking between the Emerald Isle and Kentucky 70:30, my dog lives inside, my gggggggggggg-grandfather was the captain of the Speedwell and his brother was first-mate on the Mayflower, and I’ve been above the poverty line—as far as the government is concerned—for 4 years according to my latest we-know-what-you-make letter from the Social Security.

Still it doesn’t seem fair and I feel compelled to try. Um, I don’t think Budweiser is that bad and Miller is positively tolerable. How’s that?

#16, cunt ¤

This one is like potato chips or tattoos. Once you say it in public, breaking the hymen, if you will, that held you back from using it for 20 years of civilized adulthood, it starts to be a bit of a compulsion.

#1, blog threat ¤

Since we’re getting all chummy it’s time I told you, it wasn’t a humor piece.

#1, random quote cgi ¤

Well, it’s not all c-bombs and celebrity hate mail.

#2, how to write a suicide note ¤

I’m glad this came up today because no matter how much you rationalize, Ms Bremmer, when a 14 year-old, no matter how brilliant he was, kills himself in the family home with a firearm it’s the parents’ fault. That guilty voice telling you there was more you could have done is right. You can start this list with locking up the guns and end it with making emotional health a priority over academics.

#5, vagitarian ¤

Last one, I promise. It is worth picking up a little Latin in life.

#1, Christo project ¤

Well, that didn’t take long.

#1, indications homosexual ¤

Didn’t write it—CM did—wish I had.

#2, MILF meaning ¤

Oh, I won’t shy from having penned that one. JFCIREDTSSMBTBSDTFTVSPSBCYCM indeed.

#2, Romance Novel Excerpt ¤

I think I’ve been lampooning the wrong things. The political ones are done to death. Blogging is ripe for the poking.

#1, never take an IQ test ¤

Really. Don’t.

#2, Bush is not Hitler ¤

It’s not that this one is so great that I want to direct you to it, it’s that I worked on that image a bit. Go enjoy it and don’t even read the piece.

#1, “biggest problems” ¤

Gotta end on a high note.

#0 (not ranked), the day i tried to live ¤

Not ranked. I just want it in there somewhere. It matters. Fuck them for not keeping it together. Audioslave? What the fuck? I came to Seattle for you, Chris, you loser. You too Eddie-all-my-friends-are-60-year-old-has-beens Vedder.

Last shameless self-promotion for awhile: Configurable greeking.

We can only assume it’s the Chardonnay as it’s been scientifically determined that the site in question, hereafter referred to as The White Elephant, is neither excellent nor worthwhile. It’s self-evident. As Ezra Pound himself remarked in the Ouija board séance we boys sneaked off to conduct during my bar mitzvah: you’ll never work again in this town, kid.

Therefore I formally demand an apology not just because of the drunken misunderestimation but in spite of it. Consider this a warning of the flea circus litigation to come if a munificently funded one is not forthcoming. Don’t fuck around—we’ve seen your writers’ club treasury books. Maybe this will teach you to hold your booze.

Your little fortress on Monster Island Principality won’t get you out of Dutch this time. You can tell your Mothra I said so.

Your favorite writer,

Vivian Five VI

You remember that some vestige of me which the whiskey didn’t solve [Ed: that’s a science term for dissolve, kiddies] was stung when I was told I was good at technical work because I’m not an artist. But I think perhaps I can be. And maybe, someday, God willing, even as good a poet as Deborah Poe.

I remember fondly looking through the Janson and Gardner one day and discovering Christo’s heroic pink polypropylene surrounding 11 islands in the Biscayne Bay. I knew that I wasn’t exited by chromatic implications alone.

When I saw he was at it again with his fabulous The Gates in Central Park, Night Town, I knew it was the siren song, beckoning me to come. Both as a salute and a striving upwards of my own, I undertake this homage to the drape and my art hero with two backs, Christo and Jeanne-Claude.

A massive five part installation

Like The Gates, my work will involve having participants move into the site, and then out, and then back in, and out again. The repeated motion through the site beneath the multi-colored drapes is meant to stimulate an explosive emotional, even physical, response.

Putting up the works should be easy. They’ve been erected quickly and with rock-solid stability in all trials.

Once upright, the platform is draped in the first of the five colors. Then it is installed in the site. We anticipate this will require some force and might be dangerous so this phase of the project will probably be closed to the public.

After the first installation, the next four should go smoother. The order shall be red, yellow, purple, green, and blue. We had doubts about doing blue last but it seemed to make sense. If blue presents a problem we’re prepared to go with another color like champagne or gold.

Though we don’t yet have the necessary permissions, etc, we’ve been working hard on the drapes themselves. It’s been slow going as they are quite large.

The installation itself is proving to be the most difficult part, as it seems with so many modern art projects. We’re having trouble getting the permits—there’s been a lot of back and forth—but we’re really looking forward to getting in and getting the process rolling.

Once we get some traction we should be able to plow ahead and keep it in motion for as long as it takes to fill the requirements. We’ve had mounting support ever since we announced we were in this for the long haul. Any interested parties are welcome to volunteer to hop on the train.

There’s no telling how long the project will stay up but we’re hoping the enthusiasm we have to repay Christo for everything he’s done for art will help to break some records.