better than you.

Queries are from our visitors. Answers are from our heart.

How young is she?

Cut her in half and count the rings.

a man’s pecker

You didn’t find it here because there is no such thing as I understand it. Legally, one must have controlling interest of a thing to be considered its owner.

sucker punch in the stomach

This is fine and works if the target is A) Relaxed, and B) Not muscular. It misses the whole point of the sucker punch however, which is to eliminate the chance of material reprisal. The solar plexus is a good target but we recommend the trachea or a straightened knee ahead of it.

Israeli Nude Brazilian girls

How did you get ahold of my dream journal?!

hong kong nude girls

And my diary?!?!

what was weather like in world war 2

Well, that was before global warming—machines were all steam-powered at the time and emitting no carbon dioxide into the atmosphere at all—so it was much colder. In fact when we go back in pre-history about 7,000 years to the time of the dinosaurs when carbon dioxide levels were 3-4 times what they are today we notice a perfect correlation in temperatures. The average daily temperature at the equator was 231°–no ice caps at all—and the seas were 7 miles deeper, completely covering all land and making the air rather thin from the altitude. It’s fortunate the Earth’s core was cooler then so the seas never quite got to the boiling point.

Three summer session, community college courses in biology, history, and physics would save you from the next person who does that to you. I just do it for fun. The next guy’s gonna take your money. If you’re lucky.

alphanumerics only in perl

Try perldoc perlre. Or try [^_\W] or [[:alnum:]] if you don’t have the attention span.

i am the bomb

You’ll have trouble making it to your gate if you keep announcing it.

What is the irony in the Great Taos Bank Robbery?

That you’re foolish enough to think it was so important as to be written up online so you could plagiarize for your midterms, Nancy-boy.

best guitar player in the world

Answered this already but let’s instead talk about the most overrated, just so you know they are nowhere near the best. The Effects-Rack Edge. Eric Clapton. Anyone who is played on college rock radio stations. Anyone who plays a Stratocaster other than Stevie Ray Vaughan and Jimi Hendrix. Yeah, I said it and I’m not just talking about Yngwie. And any player who does not play in at least one of the following styles: classical, flamenco, jazz, bluegrass, or metal.

“i will kill all americans”

All right. If you could stop at the Mississippi, that would probably suit us fine.

Oh– Which side? Well, whichever, really.

ASHLEY

The Pope, man. Where did we go wrong? Seems like just yesterday we were setting fire to Barnaby’s underwears.

BARNABY

That was yesterday!

ASHLEY

This one’s for you.

I got mad at The Pope
For screwing up the Papal caper
I hope I don’t see his name in the paper (NEIL: Il Corriere della Sera?)
In the obituaries, cause that would mean he’s dead

The Pope is not dead
I’m so glad The Pope is not dead
The Pope is not dead (NEIL: Dead!)
I’m so glad The Pope is not dead
The Pope is not dead (BARNABY: Dead!)
I’m so glad The Pope is not–

ASHLEY

Just the claps! Just the claps! Barnaby, I didn’t
know you had any rhythm.

BARNABY

Oh sure, I got tons of rhythm.

ASHLEY

All right guys, keep it rollin’ for me. Keep it rollin! Come on!

I cracked wise at The Pope
But in my defense he cracked wise at me first
I hope he doesn’t end up in a hearse
At the cemetery, ’cause once again that would mean that he’s dead

[CHOIR]
The Pope is not dead
I’m so glad The Pope is not dead
The Pope is not dead (Whoa, where’d this choir come from?)
I’m so glad The Pope is not dead
The Pope is not dead (You guys sound great!)
I’m so glad The Pope is not dead
The Pope is not dead
I’m so glad The Pope is not dead
The Pope is not dead
I’m so glad The Pope is not dead
The Pope is not dead
I’m so glad The Pope is not deeeaaad

Oooooooohhhhhh

If you made it this far you’re either amused or angry. If you’re angry I offer this–

I realize Karol Józef Wojtyła was a kind man who spoke Italian beautifully and tried to do what he thought was right. Good intentions and all that. I take no pleasure whatsoever in a kind old man’s illness and exit.

To insist that the various peoples of post-colonial Africa forgo the use of condoms where the median birth rate is often as high as 8.5 children and the HIV rate is often as high as 30% is… I mean, there is a point where it all stops being just stupid and becomes Evil.

And to think I doubted transubstantiation.

Well, it’s been six and a half years, almost to the day, since Sedition.com went live. I like to think that even when we didn’t agree, we learned something from each other. I know I did and I’ll always cherish the memories I built here. That’s why it’s so hard to say goodbye, but it’s time.

This is the last post ever for Sedition.com and probably the last thing I’ll write online for a few years. I’ve accepted a missionary position—if you’ll excuse one final double entendre—in China. Not many people know that China has a deep and strangely glorious Christian history, least of all, the post-revolution Chinese. I look forward to bringing the Good News back in person and as I humble my heart I think I’m finally ready to live as I was meant.

Thank you all. You’ll be in my prayers.

Update

04/02/2005 I talked it over with my demonologist and she says it’s bad juju for me to start a mission in the year of the Cock—plus I hear the Shanghai cops are cracking down on a few of my hobbies—so maybe the next scheduled slow boat.

Time for the eighth installment of Queries from the Weblog Addressed. Each and every query came from the Sedition·com weblogs. We take the time to answer them as a service to our loyal fan base. We appreciate each and every one of you and fervently hope that your number remains small enough to keep track of with one hand, so to speak.

% chance of contracting chlamydia from cunnilingus

Ewwwww… You’re playing the odds on it? Isn’t the taste of the discharge bad enough to give it a blanket veto, as it were?

bush fucks chickens

Now if we can only get him to do the honorable thing when Laura catches him on the job.

my mom fucked me

Quit bragging. Your mom fucked everyone here.

how to tell your parents you’re gay

Mom, Dad– I have something extremely important I want to talk about. Please let me say it before you say anything. First, there’s nothing wrong and this has nothing to do with you or how you raised me. Mom, I know you always thought I’d marry a nice girl and bring you lots of grandchildren but it’s time I tell you it’s not going to happen. I’ll never have the kind of family you hoped I would. I think I can explain best by telling you my ideal date. It would be someone who asked me out first. We’d go to a light but romantic lunch and split some salmon almondine crepes with California wine. Then see an early Mariners game. Cheer like crazy. Have a latté at Tully’s and walk around downtown, visiting galleries, and talking about all the places we’d like to go. Maybe hold hands and steal a kiss if I’m not feeling too shy. Then when it’s getting a little late and it’s time to say goodnight, I would climb right down and suck the everfucking life out of his cock.

About the vagina.

You really want a different preposition here for any serious understanding. I suggest adding a possessive pronoun and a transitive verb clause as well.

afraid to have sex

You should be. It can kill you or wreck your life even if you only try it once. Don’t be a stupid head. Use condoms and make sure you’re using them right. Don’t do it on the first date; and not because your mom would be upset but because you don’t know the first thing for sure about someone you’ve only seen personally in one situation one time. Stalker, married, herpes, violent streak, serial date rapist, coke addict, Oprah fan. Wait till you know for sure to open your most secret places.

Bitches sucking dick

Your grandmothers might share their daguerreotypes if you ask nicely.

Ann Landers’ checklist for cheating spouse

Forget her. Flip a coin. A little more than half of spouses cheat. There are no perfect signs. A husband who is showering you with affection, for example, might be doing so b/c poking his secretary’s 22 year-old friend in her screaming, tight little ass has renewed his vigor and love for life and allowed him to forget the oppressive, sexless grind in which you’ve incarcerated him.

bat feces aphrodisiac

Oh, absolutely. You simply must also try squirrel pee, cat diarrhea, and the hair clogs you fish out of the shower drain. Makes that 36-hour Cialis® boner look like a matchstick, my man.

batman jacking off

Would you settle for Batneil?

I wish to God I could remember the exact words but this is close.

Ashley’s idea of a centerfold is scrawling “January” on the bathroom mirror with Cherry Mist lipstick. Todd Weissenberger

The following is taken from the top of the HTML of the US Department of Homeland Security’s homepage.

Those who aren’t web developers might not be worried. Let me worry you.

“lang” is short for language and “de” is the abbreviation for fucking German, excuse my French. There is not one implication of that being there that’s good for anyone.

For a long time I have had a theory that the dimensions of space are integral with time. This “space time” is warped by mass which explains previously mysterious anomalies of gravity like the long-known precession of Mercury’s orbit. But it’s just a theory.

I have a theory that gravity is weaker than the nuclear forces because it doesn’t pull my blood right outta my skin. But it’s just a theory.

I even have a theory that half an eye is better than no eye and that a multi-celled animal that happens to move out of direct light, by whatever mechanism, is going to have better odds for getting it on that night.

You surmise that an intelligent individual should quickly realize evolution’s veracity yet you fail to provide any new evidence. Kelly Olson (LA, CA), Forum, “National Geographic,” March, 2005

New evidence? Jane, you ignorant slut.

Are you aware of the 150 Years Worth of Evidence already on the books? If you don’t know what a Mendel Square is, and you can’t describe what the KT boundary represents, and you can’t explain how humans managed to get 500 breeds of dog out of the wolf in just a few hundred years or why the potato famine McInundated the US with immigrants, you don’t get to have a fucking opinion. Get it? You are ignorant of the entire field and unlike most ignorant people, you don’t have the self-preservation instinct that makes you contract your ventral tract hole.

I’ll sum up what the editors of a polite magazine printed for family consumption can’t: only someone who is actively working on remaining ignorant would be unable to understand evolution’s shriekingly obvious veracity which was so clearly correct that it was accepted by the worldwide scientific community 100 years ago. Saying the theory of gravity is “just a theory” won’t save you from the concrete when you fall.

I’ll even point you to something that might clear up a few things just to show there’s no hard feelings: 15 Answers to Creationist Nonsense. I’ll beat you dumb bastards down one at a time if it takes me 6,000 years.

The greatest part about it is that even were I wrong by some magical, insane, byzantine scheme straight off the drafting table of the Master of Lies, I’ll see you in Hell because you don’t follow your own religion any better than you did high school biology.

For 15 years I have had a vague feeling that Lamarckism was called out too early. Single generation, environment based morphological changes are observed in many animals and even plants as this week’s edition of Nature affirms. This weft in the weave may be the reason Mendel needed to warp his data.

My feelings for Lamarck were graduated to hypothesis in ’98 or so (never seem to get around to peer reviews and publishing).

Gamete production is poorly, when at all, understood. I suggest the genitorial—permit me—state of being might well drive which and how chromosomes are divvied. The infinite complexity of biological chemistry in an animal may well be influenced by how far that fabled giraffe has to stretch its neck on a given lunch break. In fact, there is no way it’s not. Whether or not the resulting changes, however minuscule, influence the bisection of the diploid pie is the only the real question.

A few parts per million of a foreign body, like pollen or venom, can crash the entire system; even wipe it out. It’s not a stretch to posit dietetic, hormonal, weather, &c conditions tweak the percentages of the current cache of sex cells.

An abundance of muscle tissue in a parent, for example, might support a blood chemistry that cuts the chromosomal die along that grain. If a population of moths can flip colors in two or three generations and an anole can predictably mutate into a subspecies in one, there must be something besides split pea soup in the driver’s seat.

Lamarck never had a mechanism and he drastically over-estimated the potency of the phenomena but damn if he wasn’t onto something more sublime than integer math inheritance.

We leave the research and publishing of supporting data as an exercise for the reader. Don’t hesitate to give yourself co-credit, please.

ASHLEY

Can we be apiasts?

JULIE

What?! I can’t hear you in here.

ASHLEY

Can we be apiasts?

JULIE

You mean, do we have the ability?

ASHLEY

I mean, what’s your opinion about it. Would it be okay with you? Can we be apiasts?

JULIE

You mean, we as a family?

ASHLEY

Wait. Do you know what apiast means?

JULIE

Yeah.

ASHLEY

What?

JULIE

Someone who doesn’t believe in God.