We just click.

Dear Sirs:

We regret to inform you that majenta’s recently acquired Pacific Northwest headquarters building is being shuttered; for as long as it takes the paint in the new Starbucks that replaces it to dry. We do wish them better luck. The gossip, though, is that their new $14 dollar cup of steaming bat drool while 100% organic has been getting general thumbs-down and chucks-up during test marketing.

Signed: the New Management

Especially when they have a hymen in their name.

A reminder. That headline–Last US Troops Leave Iraq–is what you’d be reading everywhere in the world today if neither Kerry nor Bush but Badnarik had been elected President of the United States of America.

Don’t let’s hear you talk about how you never supported the war. You voted for a candidate who does. You supported the war.

Every dead soldier. Every dead Iraqi. Every scene of torture, rape, kidnapping and execution. Every shouting match. Every vindictive strip search and off-shore interrogation. Every wasted dollar. From this day forward, it’s not Bush’s fault or your fabled neo-conservative elite schemers. It’s on you now.

It’s your fault. All yours.

There has been a bit of a stir lately over cougars returning in numbers to the American wilderness.

This point is entirely political. It’s going to seem very much like I’m talking about a wildlife management issue but I’m not. Don’t fail. I really am not sure why I’m still trying to help you get out from under that elephantine cache of detritus and feces your parents tried to bury you in but I am.

Cougar counts are up. Cougar attacks are up. Cougars are killing people like they haven’t since we started keeping track 100 years ago. Why it’s a veritable slaughter out there! I’m terrified to go outside. Aren’t you? Do you have any idea how many have died!?

20 or so. Confirmed. No, not this year. Not this decade. The last century. In 100 years only 20 people were killed by cougars for sure. Vitamins have killed 20 times more people than cougars. Lightning? Any guesses? It’s only 400 times more at around 8,000 dead.

Deer on the other hand: Oh, how cute. Cuddly. Bambi!

Those things are inertia bombs offering almost daily taste tests of tempered glass. How many years do we have to go back to equal the deaths cougars have caused? None. They’ve killed 20 people already this year. Did I say 20? I meant 50. Bam! I mean, 51.

Deer kill well over 100 Americans every year and the number has been rising steadily. Do you know why the number has been going up? Think hard. You can do it.

There are 25,000,000 white-tail deer in the North East. There are supposed to be 500,000¹; that’s 2% of 25 million. If you compared it to a weight problem, that would be like weighing 7,500 pounds. That’s how fucking upsidedown the ecosystem is.

Twenty-five million 300 pound sacks of bone and meat just waiting to grand jete through your SUV windshield. Additionally, the forests can’t grow back because legions of starving deer eat everything short enough to get at. Diseases and deer parasites like ticks are rampant and spill over into human populations.

If you weren’t such cowards and were willing to accept that cougars are going to get someone now and then—with education it would be no more than it is already—we’d save maybe 100 lives a year. That makes 10,000 when my great-great-granddaughter sits down to write about it all to your dimwitted descendants. The ones who didn’t eat venison tartare avec le verre on I-40 one night.

Oh, did we forget to talk about wolves. That’s because there isn’t a confirmed fatal wolf attack in North America in 110 years. You chicken-shit bastards sure raise some baby eating Pit Bulls though, don’t you. They’ve killed almost 100 people since Reagan did one of the only sane things the codger managed when he signed a ban on cougar hunting in California in 1971.

Update to Cougars & wolves.

I poured the milk for my 2 year-old girl more vigorously than the lightweight plastic cup could handle and it skittered away, spilling a considerable amount of cow juice on the counter and floor. She was watching.

She said, “Ohhhhhh, no. Goddamnit.” She then repeated it 15 times. My laughter didn’t help abate the count.

My wife was somewhat angry at me for encouraging her by laughing but besides the incredibly cute tone of voice she put into it I considered it a major victory reflecting changes in behavior on my part in the last 6 months that she hadn’t said, “Fuck!”

Even when they act like you—pretending to be things they aren’t.

why are some kids smarter than others?

Do you really want to know? I think you don’t but I’ll trust your motives. There are 2.5 reasons.

1) Genes. Some people just have better DNA than others. Halle Berry was born to be one of the most fantastic looking women in history; Chelsea Clinton was not. No amount of dirt or bad clothes could make Ms Berry unattractive. No amount of makeup or Armani could make Chelsea otherwise. Some athletes die of a heart attack at 35. Some chronic smokers live to be 100.

1.5) Diet. DNA is a blueprint, not a finished building. You could take the best work the Ghost of Frank Lloyd Wright could draft and build it with Soviet era cement and New Jersey mob labor. The finished building might look like the elevation but it wouldn’t be safe and it wouldn’t last. People who smoke and drink sometimes become centenarians, overweight people never, ever do. Diet starts in the womb. A lack of a single vitamin as a child makes you a disfigured cripple or blind or dead.

2) Nurture. I honestly think most kids, even those who get the short end of the genes, are born to be geniuses. The problem is, it’s really a trivial task to make a child stupid. Children are sponges, they absorb whatever is around them. All it takes to make a child stupid is to soak him or her in irrationality.

You would consider someone evil, and probably criminal, for raising his children to believe they were ruled by Martian overlords who reward faithful service with eternal life through their ultra-science and are one day soon coming to claim the Earth though they haven’t been seen in person for many hundreds of years and never left any evidence of their visits. You would expect the children to be idiots, incapable of understanding reality; unable to know what constitutes logic and proof or even justice and reason.

So you see how some of the IQ of America’s youth is being flushed. If you can’t see it, may I come in and talk with you about our Little Green Savior?

Even when they’re not insects.

I’m an avid fan of Adult Swim’s programming and shows like “Sealab 2021,” “Venture Brothers,” “Robot Chicken,” and “Cowboy Bebop.” I saw they had a new show in the line-up. I was excited to see it.

When I finally saw “Tom Goes to the Mayor” I was reminded of how completely wrong and idiotic the critics were who said that the most destitute animation and the filthiest jokes made “South Park” a terrible show, and, of course, how right they are when they say it about “Tom Goes to the Mayor.”

I hear they attempted to replace pig feed at a farm in Ohio with this show and the entire trough queue to a sow’s son’s side of bacon turned up their snouts and squealed in protest.

Will some teenagers please just spray paint some hair around the thing so we can all get on with our news feeds unperturbed.

10 years ago today

10 years ago today a decorated hero who earned his Bronze Star in the Gulf War parked a banana yellow Ryder truck full of fertilizer in front of the Alfred P Murrah Federal building in OK City.

Boom.

One hundred and sixty-eight. Nineteen children in a day care center.

12 years ago today

12 years ago today bungling federal cops who had tipped the Davidians about the coming raid gave up on 51 days of failing tactics and fired combustible teargas into a powerless building lighted by lamps and drove a tank through the flames, blocking all exits.

Seventy-five. Twenty-some children and teenagers.

0 years ago today

I could be spreading some word or some manure or some righteous diatribe and I probably could avert one murder or a score but I’ve been thinking about trophic cascade this week and it’s got me to a place where I may not even wish you a happy Hitler Day tomorrow.

Even the grubs.

Update, I think this is an alder borer grub.

“white man’s burden”

The term was coined by Rudyard Kipling in 1899 and used as a justification for Western imperialism. It is the offensive and paleolithic idea that it is the white man’s responsibility, being naturally endowed with greater capacity, to take care of the other races. For example, to provide minority peoples with increased opportunities for jobs and education. Thank goodness we’ve gotten over that dreadfully racist phase of history. No one today, black, white, Christian, or Muslim would insist on treating one’s differently tinted fellows like imbeciles unable run their own countries or feed their own children.

images of white chess horses

I don’t know why I’m so nice to you people after what you did to my van. This white guy in particular is Mexican; given to me by my grandfather in 1978 as I recall.

how to destroy white countries

Lots and lots of CFCs would be a good start.

white man is the devil

I actually just took that off my résumé because I’m looking for a career change. Something service oriented I think.

summary of white supremacy

A bunch of unemployed pale guys, with the most dubious pedigrees, drop out of high school. They notice that people with a work ethic, like immigrants, are getting jobs and quality tail. They realize how dangerous this is to keeping an Iron Age status quo so they develop a theory that looking vaguely like George Washington makes you better than someone who looks vaguely like Booker Washington.

They proceed to prove how valuable and superior, well, supreme, they are by creating a utopian world where white American teens don’t have the highest suicide rate in the world and societal ills like domestic violence and methamphetamine abuse are virtually eradicated.

classifieds of ghetto booty black women seeking white men

I have no response to that. And I deeply resent the lack of replies to my self-same placement in the back of Harper’s last month.

proper word for white man

Oh! I love “Final Jeopardy.” What is… a person?

meaning of white pride

Simple. Taking pride in being white. Two problems. You can’t be proud of yourself for something you had no responsibility in. That’s called stealing or delusion or other things even less kind. Also, you’re not white.

Which brings us to…

white pride who is really white

Addressing the two in reverse order. That would be me, in spades, as it were, with the documentation to prove it. And the first part would be something I never even thought about having and not just because, as in every other race, for every Thomas Edison and Thomas Jefferson there are ten Ralph Naders and George Bushes.

soldiers of christ white supremacy

Y’all know Jesus was a brown eyed Nazarene Jew, right? The color of tea steeped in olive oil? Looked much more like Osama Bin Laden than James Caviezel?

white supremacy step by step

1) Get a DNA test.

2) Find out that you’re not white.

3a) Get on with your life, grateful for your newfound understanding that refraction indices have nothing to do with being human

–or–

3b) Have a 9mm thick lead filet for supper to resolve the conflicting emotions you now have from hating what you are and being unable to call it “pride” anymore.

white girl traitors

What? Because they date Latin guys, blacks, and the occasional rich Korean kid? Listen, Billy, if you’d shower every day, get your dental hygiene together, and stop dressing like a Jeff Foxworthy punchline, maybe one day a sober girl of any race will be interested in dating you. Till then you might be a little more cautious about throwing around the T-word because it reveals more about the speaker than the target.

white man who put on shoe polish on body

You might be looking for this: Black Like Me. And if you weren’t, you should have been.

white supremacy good

Rrrrr. Egalitarianism good. Redneck bad.

mexian words

How about pendeo grino?

internet is the devil

I would point you to goatse.cx for empirical buttressing, as it were, but it seems they forgot to pay their registrar. Ain’t that just like the Devil. Still, it’s a strangely sad day in Internet history.

celebrities against god

Better phrased as, “Nobodies against nothing,” don’t you think?

why worship the devil

I know I harp and it’s turning into white noise but fuck… The single evil deed the Devil commits in the Bible is to try to get Jesus not to take the T-ride. If anyone you knew were about to be voluntarily crucified, you’d try to talk him out of it too. Whereas God condones slavery, rape, and personally orders or carries out the murder of children almost constantly in the Bible; New and Old Testaments. Please take some time to stop talking about your second hand impressions of the damned book and read it. Why worship the Devil? is the wrong question to be asking.

what do you know about intercourse?

We’ll I couldn’t write a textbook but I can say if it hurts, you’re doing it wrong, and it’s in Pennsylvania.

Satam

It’s so hard to find good evil help.

who has clinical depression

Everyone. Just ask Pfizer. It apparently causes ADD in your children too.

supermodel mail order brides

I tip my hat to you, sir. I haven’t been able to get that drunk since I was 22.

FUcK MY MOM

FIx YOUR KEyBOARD.

dont’ blame me I voted for Kerry

Don’t blame me, I think you’re a self-deluded jerkwad who is willing to call gray and grayer, “Black and white.” Isn’t it nice when we don’t cast so much blame around?

glad the pope is dead

The Pope isn’t dead, moron. The Pope isn’t a man, the Pope is a costume, and all the graves in the world would have to be filled before there wasn’t anyone willing to put it on.

whoa antonym word

That would be giddyup or maybe H’ya.

That’s not very funny. What a stupid fucking question.

Police find missing Picasso work

Oh, thank God! There were only 21,999 of the master’s sneezes accounted for until today.

Two years after war, Saddam still awaits trial

The world has been waiting for American law for so long. Welcome my justice starved friends and brothers—welcome to the 6^th Amendment.

Survivors mark Buchenwald anniversary, warn the world must never forget

Does anyone know what this is about?

China rocked by anti-Japanese rallies, Japan demand apology

Listen guys, I hate communist China as much as the next dissident but did you really think 50 years of transistor radios and cell phones would erase the memory of the Rape of Nanking?

First convicted spammer gets 9 years

This is an excellent start! We’ll be pushing our legislator to move it into a capital crimes bill this Fall.

Israeli police block Jewish extremist rally, clash with Palestinians

One would have thought the aeration of Yitzhak Rabin in ’95 would have been enough for Israel proper to learn that if they don’t declaw their own fanatics there can never be a resolution to the matzav.

Saudi confirms death of top Al-Qaeda pair in gunbattle

Yay! Now we’re safe!

better than you.

Queries are from our visitors. Answers are from our heart.

How young is she?

Cut her in half and count the rings.

a man’s pecker

You didn’t find it here because there is no such thing as I understand it. Legally, one must have controlling interest of a thing to be considered its owner.

sucker punch in the stomach

This is fine and works if the target is A) Relaxed, and B) Not muscular. It misses the whole point of the sucker punch however, which is to eliminate the chance of material reprisal. The solar plexus is a good target but we recommend the trachea or a straightened knee ahead of it.

Israeli Nude Brazilian girls

How did you get ahold of my dream journal?!

hong kong nude girls

And my diary?!?!

what was weather like in world war 2

Well, that was before global warming—machines were all steam-powered at the time and emitting no carbon dioxide into the atmosphere at all—so it was much colder. In fact when we go back in pre-history about 7,000 years to the time of the dinosaurs when carbon dioxide levels were 3-4 times what they are today we notice a perfect correlation in temperatures. The average daily temperature at the equator was 231°–no ice caps at all—and the seas were 7 miles deeper, completely covering all land and making the air rather thin from the altitude. It’s fortunate the Earth’s core was cooler then so the seas never quite got to the boiling point.

Three summer session, community college courses in biology, history, and physics would save you from the next person who does that to you. I just do it for fun. The next guy’s gonna take your money. If you’re lucky.

alphanumerics only in perl

Try perldoc perlre. Or try [^_\W] or [[:alnum:]] if you don’t have the attention span.

i am the bomb

You’ll have trouble making it to your gate if you keep announcing it.

What is the irony in the Great Taos Bank Robbery?

That you’re foolish enough to think it was so important as to be written up online so you could plagiarize for your midterms, Nancy-boy.

best guitar player in the world

Answered this already but let’s instead talk about the most overrated, just so you know they are nowhere near the best. The Effects-Rack Edge. Eric Clapton. Anyone who is played on college rock radio stations. Anyone who plays a Stratocaster other than Stevie Ray Vaughan and Jimi Hendrix. Yeah, I said it and I’m not just talking about Yngwie. And any player who does not play in at least one of the following styles: classical, flamenco, jazz, bluegrass, or metal.

“i will kill all americans”

All right. If you could stop at the Mississippi, that would probably suit us fine.

Oh– Which side? Well, whichever, really.

ASHLEY

The Pope, man. Where did we go wrong? Seems like just yesterday we were setting fire to Barnaby’s underwears.

BARNABY

That was yesterday!

ASHLEY

This one’s for you.

I got mad at The Pope
For screwing up the Papal caper
I hope I don’t see his name in the paper (NEIL: Il Corriere della Sera?)
In the obituaries, cause that would mean he’s dead

The Pope is not dead
I’m so glad The Pope is not dead
The Pope is not dead (NEIL: Dead!)
I’m so glad The Pope is not dead
The Pope is not dead (BARNABY: Dead!)
I’m so glad The Pope is not–

ASHLEY

Just the claps! Just the claps! Barnaby, I didn’t
know you had any rhythm.

BARNABY

Oh sure, I got tons of rhythm.

ASHLEY

All right guys, keep it rollin’ for me. Keep it rollin! Come on!

I cracked wise at The Pope
But in my defense he cracked wise at me first
I hope he doesn’t end up in a hearse
At the cemetery, ’cause once again that would mean that he’s dead

[CHOIR]
The Pope is not dead
I’m so glad The Pope is not dead
The Pope is not dead (Whoa, where’d this choir come from?)
I’m so glad The Pope is not dead
The Pope is not dead (You guys sound great!)
I’m so glad The Pope is not dead
The Pope is not dead
I’m so glad The Pope is not dead
The Pope is not dead
I’m so glad The Pope is not dead
The Pope is not dead
I’m so glad The Pope is not deeeaaad

Oooooooohhhhhh

If you made it this far you’re either amused or angry. If you’re angry I offer this–

I realize Karol Józef Wojtyła was a kind man who spoke Italian beautifully and tried to do what he thought was right. Good intentions and all that. I take no pleasure whatsoever in a kind old man’s illness and exit.

To insist that the various peoples of post-colonial Africa forgo the use of condoms where the median birth rate is often as high as 8.5 children and the HIV rate is often as high as 30% is… I mean, there is a point where it all stops being just stupid and becomes Evil.

And to think I doubted transubstantiation.

Well, it’s been six and a half years, almost to the day, since Sedition.com went live. I like to think that even when we didn’t agree, we learned something from each other. I know I did and I’ll always cherish the memories I built here. That’s why it’s so hard to say goodbye, but it’s time.

This is the last post ever for Sedition.com and probably the last thing I’ll write online for a few years. I’ve accepted a missionary position—if you’ll excuse one final double entendre—in China. Not many people know that China has a deep and strangely glorious Christian history, least of all, the post-revolution Chinese. I look forward to bringing the Good News back in person and as I humble my heart I think I’m finally ready to live as I was meant.

Thank you all. You’ll be in my prayers.

Update

04/02/2005 I talked it over with my demonologist and she says it’s bad juju for me to start a mission in the year of the Cock—plus I hear the Shanghai cops are cracking down on a few of my hobbies—so maybe the next scheduled slow boat.

Time for the eighth installment of Queries from the Weblog Addressed. Each and every query came from the Sedition·com weblogs. We take the time to answer them as a service to our loyal fan base. We appreciate each and every one of you and fervently hope that your number remains small enough to keep track of with one hand, so to speak.

% chance of contracting chlamydia from cunnilingus

Ewwwww… You’re playing the odds on it? Isn’t the taste of the discharge bad enough to give it a blanket veto, as it were?

bush fucks chickens

Now if we can only get him to do the honorable thing when Laura catches him on the job.

my mom fucked me

Quit bragging. Your mom fucked everyone here.

how to tell your parents you’re gay

Mom, Dad– I have something extremely important I want to talk about. Please let me say it before you say anything. First, there’s nothing wrong and this has nothing to do with you or how you raised me. Mom, I know you always thought I’d marry a nice girl and bring you lots of grandchildren but it’s time I tell you it’s not going to happen. I’ll never have the kind of family you hoped I would. I think I can explain best by telling you my ideal date. It would be someone who asked me out first. We’d go to a light but romantic lunch and split some salmon almondine crepes with California wine. Then see an early Mariners game. Cheer like crazy. Have a latté at Tully’s and walk around downtown, visiting galleries, and talking about all the places we’d like to go. Maybe hold hands and steal a kiss if I’m not feeling too shy. Then when it’s getting a little late and it’s time to say goodnight, I would climb right down and suck the everfucking life out of his cock.

About the vagina.

You really want a different preposition here for any serious understanding. I suggest adding a possessive pronoun and a transitive verb clause as well.

afraid to have sex

You should be. It can kill you or wreck your life even if you only try it once. Don’t be a stupid head. Use condoms and make sure you’re using them right. Don’t do it on the first date; and not because your mom would be upset but because you don’t know the first thing for sure about someone you’ve only seen personally in one situation one time. Stalker, married, herpes, violent streak, serial date rapist, coke addict, Oprah fan. Wait till you know for sure to open your most secret places.

Bitches sucking dick

Your grandmothers might share their daguerreotypes if you ask nicely.

Ann Landers’ checklist for cheating spouse

Forget her. Flip a coin. A little more than half of spouses cheat. There are no perfect signs. A husband who is showering you with affection, for example, might be doing so b/c poking his secretary’s 22 year-old friend in her screaming, tight little ass has renewed his vigor and love for life and allowed him to forget the oppressive, sexless grind in which you’ve incarcerated him.

bat feces aphrodisiac

Oh, absolutely. You simply must also try squirrel pee, cat diarrhea, and the hair clogs you fish out of the shower drain. Makes that 36-hour Cialis® boner look like a matchstick, my man.

batman jacking off

Would you settle for Batneil?

I wish to God I could remember the exact words but this is close.

Ashley’s idea of a centerfold is scrawling “January” on the bathroom mirror with Cherry Mist lipstick. Todd Weissenberger

The following is taken from the top of the HTML of the US Department of Homeland Security’s homepage.

Those who aren’t web developers might not be worried. Let me worry you.

“lang” is short for language and “de” is the abbreviation for fucking German, excuse my French. There is not one implication of that being there that’s good for anyone.