If you read just one book this year, make it the Holy Bible, but if you read another, make it this book. Anonymous U.S. soldier minutes before being disassembled for freedom

The #1 New York Times bestseller, Tripe by Ann Coulter, the author of the bestseller The Vagina Diatribes. Tripe, with a new foreword by “Jeff Gannon,” is a stunning follow up to a meal you only finished out of politeness.

Even when they haven’t come in peace.

Sedition

Ashley
Sedition, sedition! Sedition!
Sedition, sedition! Sedition!

Ashley & Papas
Who, 50 weeks a year, must wear the yoke of salary man,
Fatten a wife and breed, pray for his nation’s strength?
Who has the rights in the Amendments as an American
To pray, speak out, and shoot at home?

The Papa, the Papa! Sedition!
The Papa, the Papa! Sedition!

Barnaby & Mamas
Who must know the recipes updated from the 1950s,
For hair, gold panning, and silicon padded titties?
Who must indoctrinate the larvae and drive to soccer,
So Papa’s free to run down the gays and minorities?

The Mama, the Mama! Sedition!
The Mama, the Mama! Sedition!

Sons
At three, I pledged allegiance to the flag.
At ten, I got my Civics Badge.
I hear the draft board has a number for me.
I guess I’ll join ROTC.

The son, the son! Sedition!
The son, the son! Sedition!

Daughters
And who does TV teach to shake and twitch,
Preparing me to lay whomever the bottle picks?

The daughter, the daughter! Sedition!
The daughter, the daughter! Sedition!

The AP reports tonight: Ten sheriff’s deputies who fired 120 rounds at an unarmed driver at the end of a chase in a quiet neighborhood appeared with a lawyer who apologized to residents on their behalf, but said the officers had acted to capture a suspect who “deserved and needed to be stopped.”

The suspect Hayes, who is not dead, was hit 4 times. Another deputy was hit once in his armor. Residential dwellings were hit.

Hayes, who has not been charged with a damn thing, was unarmed. He did flee when the cops tried to pull him over. That’s his crime: not pulling over.

Watch some junior high math in action.

The standard issue sidearm for most cops today is a 9mm or 40cal semi-auto—safe to say y’all had one or t’other—probably with 15 and 12 round clips respectively. So you guys, 10 of you, all but emptied your weapons from short range. 120 shots, in 18 seconds, in a residential neighborhood. One suspect boxed in by your cars with nowhere to go. One guy. Ten of you.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

Houses, windows, people going about regular daily life in Compton. Yeah, Compton, motherfucker. You already knew it was because no cop is ever going to empty a clip in Beverly Hills at an unarmed man. Ever.

Aside from everything else, there is empirical proof that these half-wit tools shouldn’t even be trusted at a Mickey D’s fry cooker. I don’t have to bring up race relations, history, corruption, or the problems with American police. We just need the fraction: 4/120.

That’s 3%. LA deputies can only hit a target 3% of the time while almost 1% of the time they shoot another deputy instead. That’s like a secretary who types 10wpm and swears at clients, or a janitor who craps in his mop bucket. It’s beyond incompetent. It’s well into the Venn of black comedy, and not the kind featuring Chris Rock.

But they did apologize. Not for shooting, but for some houses that got shot. They were sorry that had to happen. Way to take responsibility, guys. Everything’s gonna be okay in LA this Summer.

We just click.

Dear Sirs:

We regret to inform you that majenta’s recently acquired Pacific Northwest headquarters building is being shuttered; for as long as it takes the paint in the new Starbuck’s that replaces it to dry. We do wish them better luck. The gossip, though, is that their new $14 dollar cup of steaming bat drool while 100% organic has been getting general thumbs-down and chucks-up during test marketing.

Signed: the New Management

Especially when they have a hymen in their name.

A reminder. That headline–Last US Troops Leave Iraq–is what you’d be reading everywhere in the world today if neither Kerry nor Bush but Badnarik had been elected President of the United States of America.

Don’t let’s hear you talk about how you never supported the war. You voted for a candidate who does. You supported the war.

Every dead soldier. Every dead Iraqi. Every scene of torture, rape, kidnapping and execution. Every shouting match. Every vindictive strip search and off-shore interrogation. Every wasted dollar. From this day forward, it’s not Bush’s fault or your fabled neo-conservative elite schemers. It’s on you now.

It’s your fault. All yours.

There has been a bit of a stir lately over cougars returning in numbers to the American wilderness.

This point is entirely political. It’s going to seem very much like I’m talking about a wildlife management issue but I’m not. Don’t fail. I really am not sure why I’m still trying to help you get out from under that elephantine cache of detritus and feces your parents tried to bury you in but I am.

Cougar counts are up. Cougar attacks are up. Cougars are killing people like they haven’t since we started keeping track 100 years ago. Why it’s a veritable slaughter out there! I’m terrified to go outside. Aren’t you? Do you have any idea how many have died!?

20 or so. Confirmed. No, not this year. Not this decade. The last century. In 100 years only 20 people were killed by cougars for sure. Vitamins have killed 20 times more people than cougars. Lightning? Any guesses? It’s only 400 times more at around 8,000 dead.

Deer on the other hand: Oh, how cute. Cuddly. Bambi!

Those things are inertia bombs offering almost daily taste tests of tempered glass. How many years do we have to go back to equal the deaths cougars have caused? None. They’ve killed 20 people already this year. Did I say 20? I meant 50. Bam! I mean, 51.

Deer kill well over 100 Americans every year and the number has been rising steadily. Do you know why the number has been going up? Think hard. You can do it.

There are 25,000,000 white-tail deer in the North East. There are supposed to be 500,000¹; that’s 2% of 25 million. If you compared it to a weight problem, that would be like weighing 7,500 pounds. That’s how fucking upsidedown the ecosystem is.

Twenty-five million 300 pound sacks of bone and meat just waiting to grand jete through your SUV windshield. Additionally, the forests can’t grow back because legions of starving deer eat everything short enough to get at. Diseases and deer parasites like ticks are rampant and spill over into human populations.

If you weren’t such cowards and were willing to accept that cougars are going to get someone now and then—with education it would be no more than it is already—we’d save maybe 100 lives a year. That makes 10,000 when my great-great-granddaughter sits down to write about it all to your dimwitted descendants. The ones who didn’t eat venison tartare avec le verre on I-40 one night.

Oh, did we forget to talk about wolves. That’s because there isn’t a confirmed fatal wolf attack in North America in 110 years. You chicken-shit bastards sure raise some baby eating Pit Bulls though, don’t you. They’ve killed almost 100 people since Reagan did one of the only sane things the codger managed when he signed a ban on cougar hunting in California in 1971.

I poured the milk for my 2 year-old girl more vigorously than the lightweight plastic cup could handle and it skittered away, spilling a considerable amount of cow juice on the counter and floor. She was watching.

She said, “Ohhhhhh, no. Goddamnit.” She then repeated it 15 times. My laughter didn’t help abate the count.

My wife was somewhat angry at me for encouraging her by laughing but besides the incredibly cute tone of voice she put into it I considered it a major victory reflecting changes in behavior on my part in the last 6 months that she hadn’t said, “Fuck!”