Oh, my God.

I just lost my job because I blogged about it. But I got a book deal because I’m so good at imagining things. Things like other people’s ideas but with extra boobs and blood! Bonnie Hammer approved!

Here’re some cute baby porcupines. Hedgehogs? Whatever. They’re cyoooot! Just look at their little red noses!!!

Did you know that the browser you’re using right now has 15 new security problems!? I sure didn’t. Good thing I found out and warned you.

What’s in the news today? It looks like those nasty Republicans running the government are being evil again. Oh, boy, George. Oh, I made a pun in the midst of a staggering political insight!

Speaking of insta-has-beens, I had so much chubby-girl sex with a Carrie Underwood lookalike in the back of a Camero this weekend that I think I’ll have to type the words “cock,” “pussy,” and “how to be a porn star on a hand-held budget.” Can’t touch this!

You know what they say. You can’t be too blunt.

I thought they meant you can’t be too blunt. Can’t be too blunt?

Initiative! I take out my +3 Mace of Shattering Illusion™ and swing away like I actually found Signs to be enjoyable.

Oh, all right. Glass houses and all. The above is redundant and less well put than an excerpt from my latest romance novel.

Me: You mean that to become popular I have to write something every day whether or not it’s good or has a point?

My Editor: Yes.

Me: You know I’ve already got more than 3,000 fucking pages of original content online right?

My Editor: Oh, dear. Right there is part of what’s holding you back. It’s the swearing. It alienates a certain demographic.

Me: Yeah, which demographic?

My Editor: Let’s see… gays and unmarried women over 32.

Me: How does misogyny and homophobia play?

My Editor: Let’s see… pretty well. Top sellers actually.

Me: Even to gays and unmarried women over 32?

My Editor: The numbers don’t lie.

This particular post will not appeal nor make sense to almost any of you. Still it is so totally freaking uncanny it must be made public.

Did you see Dave? Well, my old man’s Spanish is a bit rough but I think with the right contacts, some Armani, and a little Colonel Conk he could pull it off.

I HAVE SOME MORE GOOD ADVICE ABOUT BEING A DOG THEY MISSED!!!

Roll in the most foul smelling things you can find, especially dead animals and squirrel urine.

Lick your genitals and rectum as often as feels good.

Be loyal! Especially to anyone who kicks you.

Do things with your friends. Like eating sheep, children, and old ladies.

Eat till you vomit. Then eat the vomit. Repeat as necessary!

Go ahead and lift your tail for anyone who wants a sniff.

Crap wherever you can get away with it. Make sure to smell everyone else’s crap.

Save money and the environment by drinking out of the toilet.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him gently. Unless you’re in direct competition with him, in which case, drive the weakling out of the pack.

Don’t let a little rotten meat spoil the chance for a really great meal.

Have as many children by as many mates as possible and never take responsibility for them.

Get drowned and revived a hundred times for medical research.

----

i ALMOST CC’d everyone, but unfortunately i’m sober; next time write a little later in the day, would you?

Miss you anyway. Will you write me letters in prison?

What about: a crypto-fascist anti-Semite with a Von Neumann complex; some psychotic cracker pissed off at affirmative action because he didn’t get into Harvard; a latent wife-beater of the Eliot-Joyce-school who uses an incomplete 1972 Funk & Wagnalls Encyclopedia to randomly pick obscure references, like a dizzy kid at a piñata, incorrectly assuming he will spill some interesting subject matter if he just keeps swinging frantically enough; an Arkham escapee of the most minor pantheon whose Social Security benefits no longer cover the ample meds required to keep him docile?

“Unstable?” Please try harder.

I just got an email which had a truncated subject in the list view window reading: “A faster way to go straight to h…”

Eagerly I clicked to learn the trick that had eluded me.

The destination however was “hot action.”

How disappointing.

Oh, yeah. You snowboard guys are hard core. Extreme. Totally out on the edge.

Here’s something your parents should’ve explained differently: everything seems much cooler than it really is when you’re frying.

Those new extreme moto-cross boys, however. Holy fuck.

Epilog: AKA, call me a liar to Marlene will you, John Strader, you goofy bastard?

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To order guns pointed at your fellow soldiers. To confront your superiors and tell them to stand down or be shot. To risk your life, your career, your reputation, and your freedom, to protect foreign strangers when simply turning your head would have offered no risk and entailed no consequences. To save the lives of those who would otherwise have died anonymously, secretly.

To do this and accept the consequences not because it was easy or what anyone would do but because it was right.

In times of war the word “hero” is thrown around. The phrase “support the troops” has moved from jingoism to the ranks of political correctness.

For every real hero the militaries of the world and America have unearthed throughout history, there have been 10,000 debased and ruined. Teaching men and women to kill and torture for an imaginary goal will not and cannot end happily.

The product of war is not heroes. It is misery and human damage.

The product of blindly supporting anything is corruption.

Hugh Thompson, the most important American hero since Audie Murphy, died yesterday and I doubt 1% of Americans even know who he was.

Learn about him — and his gunners Glenn Andreotta and Lawrence Colburn — or be destroyed.

Taos is full of long term couples who aren’t married. They seem to do better than most of the married ones.

One of my favorite jokes around town was about one such couple — Joe Hoar and Peggy French. I think most people in town have heard the joke since the couple’s been together as long as I can remember. It’s the kind of thing that makes you believe in love. Together forever not for the sake of the children or to protect some silly piece of paper signed by the county clerk but because they want to be.

Joe’s the father of one of my friends, Alicia. We had a metaphysics argument one drunken poker night that nearly put Barnaby into therapy. Alicia had my back once when it was really, really important. And I helped her one night her world came undone.

I’m only gonna tell the joke one more time.

There was speculation in town that Joe and Peggy might finally wed.¹ Presumably, she’d take the name French-Hoar.

I’m never going to tell it again because it’s not funny anymore. They got shot to death yesterday by her son.²