And if so, don’t you think you should ask before you try to fuck me?

Their site

My site

At least it’s not some retarded Canadian satellite scam artist stealing from me this time. I appear, at least, to be coming up in the world.

Sorry this wasn’t ready for Mother’s Day. I’ve been busy… uh… with important things. Like the Mercenaries mini-game in Resident Evil 4.

Reuters lately reported as news a marketing gimmick from salary-dot-com—and plenty of normally sober men with nice wives picked it up—detailing the imagination-time earning power of the average US mother. [Ed: note to Canadian moms, the dollar figures are in money, not in snow pesos.]

So, U.S. mothers are apparently worth $134,121 in salary.

To reach the projected pay figures, the survey calculated the earning power of the 10 jobs respondents said most closely comprise a mother’s role — housekeeper, day-care teacher, cook, computer operator, laundry machine operator, janitor, facilities manager, van driver, chief executive and psychologist.

Okay. See, I’m at the playground, or the store, or the park, or the aquarium, or the zoo, or the kid’s museum almost every day. I know how well these moms are doing their “jobs.”

Housekeeper. You mean put dishes in the machine and wipe up? Run a vacuum around now and then? Turn a washing machine on and move a load two feet to the dryer? Maybe you’ve been in a cave and the whole illegal immigrant thing hasn’t reached you but that labor is worth minimum wage without benefits. So that’s 2 hours a day—tops!—by $5.00 an hour. $80 a week.

Already up to $5,000 a year. See! Finishing high-school was totally worth it.

Day-care teacher. You mean turn on Nick Jr? Buy another cartridge for the V-tech? Teacher… teacher…? Aren’t American kids the ones who can’t find Mexico and Canada on a map? Isn’t this the country where barely 13% of children understand that all animals, including humans, arrived in their present form via evolution?

Cook. Happy meals, snacks with 35 grams of sugar a serving, and ice cream for 1 year-olds? 15% of American kids are overweight. I ate at most all my friends’ houses and none of them is in the Michelin Guide because they don’t give fractions of a star. Mulligan’s Stew is just not served.

Computer operator! I worked in a technology company’s customer service email and call center. A computer operator is someone who doesn’t need help with a computer. A typist you’re trying to replace before she can do any more damage is your mom.

Laundry machine operator. See “housekeeper.”

Janitor; ibid.

Facilities manager. Oh, lord. Well, at least I got a laugh out of the list. Moving the couch and changing a light bulb doesn’t make you qualified to run a “facility.”

Van driver. Yeah, that’s right. They actually didn’t make this job sound as hard as it really is what with putting on make-up and telephoning Oprah-friends while tailgating at 15 over the limit. Thank the Lord for air bags.

Chief executive. Well, when you consider luminaries like Kenneth Lay I suppose most moms are entirely qualified for this role. I wonder how much they increase the profit in the company each year. I heard your mom was bringing in like $100-$200 a night, one Jackson at a time.

Psychologist. Here’s a recent example overheard on the playground–

Girl of 5: Why did he do that?

Mom: Boy’s just do stuff like that, honey.

Malpractice insurance and perennial suits wipe out that portion of the income.

So, what’s a mom worth?

How about Andrea Yates or Susan Smith or any of the garden variety backwards twats I see hitting their kids in the mall parking lot every weekend?

We seem to talk a lot about fathers being poor parents. About this leading to problems in later life. We seem to forget that mothers are still the primary caregivers for children. We seem to forget that most every murderer, molester, petty thief, and even American president had a mother. A mother who had thousands of days to steer a child right.

How many children do you see on an even keel today? Making it to adulthood happy and prepared for life? Answer that and you’ll know how much mothers are worth.

Even when they force things full circle.

When you and I saw the news on television together of the slaughter of peacefully demonstrating students near Tiananmen Square you made a joke about it. I understand that humor in the face of horror is very human and very healthy. That day however I went straight to the shower, without a word, in all my clothes—which I’d never done before nor have done since—and cried for an hour while the water beat down on me. Cried like I was 10 and the dog that had been my best friend from the crib had just died again. Cried like I was choking to death. Wishing only that I could.

I got married on the same day years later, in part, because I knew in my entire life it wasn’t an anniversary I could ever forget.

I saw a photo of Bill Gates toasting the president of communist China today.

No one has any interest whatsoever in seeing either Elizabeth Berkley or Tiffani Thiessen with clothes on. No one. Not even heterosexual women. I personally have even less interest in seeing any of Dustin Diamond, Mario López, or even Mark-Paul Gosselaar outside the pages of The Smoking Gun or next year’s hot new HBO title, Celebrity Autopsies.

What the fuck is the matter with you guys? You used to have dignity. Savoir-faire. Your stupidity was affected, it wasn’t genuine. It was cool. You could watch an hour of Space Ghost Coast to Coast without needing to get high.

Was The Herculoids prohibitively priced? Was Snyder holding out for more money to re-syndicate Dr. Katz?

Does it actually cost more than $50 and take more than 2 hours to produce an episode of 12 Oz Mouse or Tom Goes to the Mayor?

And another thing: program directors are not editors. Editors edit things—rejecting or correcting that which isn’t up to scratch. Program directors sort through whatever pile of tapes their budget bequeaths in a frantic bid to keep their jobs for another six months. Good news everyone: UPN is looking for interns.

Happy Hitler Day indeed.

Even when I don’t even know in which family they belong.

The AP reports today:

“Chronological Oddity to Hit Digital Clock”

WASHINGTON - Call it a coincidental sign of our digital times or a reason to stay up late and stare at the clock. Either way, early Wednesday morning the time and date will be 01-02-03-04-05-06.

No it won’t. It’s not the year 6, jackasses. It’s the year 2006. The time and date will be “1:02:03 4/5/2006.”

Ooooooohhhhh. Spooky!

See also.

I won’t be around much for awhile. I’ve rediscovered the fact that I have a MOTU 896, Digital Performer, and a handful of multi-track tapes from 13 years ago. While you wait to hear it—to begin to appear here a few days after the DP 5 release—I offer a juxtaposition taken directly, without editorial, from the Yahoo News most popular page.

Oh, okay! Here’s the editorial: the more things change…

From an evolutionary standpoint—and contrary to what a lot of lonely, small people in need company will tell you—humiliation is not meant to make you feel devalued all the time. It’s meant to make you cease the specific behavior that humiliated you.

For example if you have recently found yourself humiliated while being a drunk, arrogant, jerk-off, there is not necessarily a biological imperative to stop drinking.

–SNIP–

PROSECUTOR: But isn’t it true that you have since had a sexual relationship with a White House intern?

CLINTON: I’m going to say this one more time. I did not have sexual relations with your mother.

PROSECUTOR: Excuse me?

CLINTON: I said I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

PROSECUTOR: What woman?

CLINTON: Miss Lewinski.

PROSECUTOR: That’s not what you said first.

CLINTON: Of course it is.

PROSECUTOR: No you didn’t. You said “my mother.”

CLINTON: …Her neither.

PROSECUTOR: Why you dirty hillbilly!

At this point the prosecutor attempted to bum rush the witness stand. Two Secret Service men intercepted him and pried his fingers off the railing while two bailiffs tried to stay out of the way.

–SNIP–