U.S. paid $1 million to ship two 19-cent washers

It’s really a total bargain you look at it properly. It is only 3/10^ths of 1¢ for each washer¹. Jesus! What are you pricks complaining about? That’s practically free!

Miss Teen USA 2007 contestants line up for their official swimsuit photograph

And on a clear day you can see the mountains of Montana. There’s gold in them thar hills.

You’ll also note there is nothing wrong with parading these fine young women around with bathing suits glued to their narrowly shaved pudenda. And the desire to poke one of the 18-19 year-olds is perfectly natural. But any sexual spark felt toward the 15-17 year-old girls is unnatural, perverted, and a heinous crime against women, society, and all civilization. As they don’t carry identification during the competition, you’ll best be able to gauge their ages at the time of your arrest.

Internet is “the new Afghanistan”: NY police commissioner, Ray Kelly

One can only hope! Afghanistan has so far managed to take on, without so much as an instigating middle finger, the three biggest powers from the 20th century and fight the first to a veritable draw and knock the others’ dicks in the dirt.

If the Internet is where superpowers go to be humbled for the next 100 years, suits me fine.

Ray Kelly, Bob Dole’s replacement as spokesman for Viagra®

Further thanks owed to him for this résumé item–

Prior to September 11th, 2001 there were fewer than two dozen officers working on terrorism full time; today, there are over 1,000. Ray Kelly²

If only he had been hired in time to put 1,000 cops on the street, those 767s would have been caught midair and forced to surrender. Or shot to death when they reached for their wallets.

I’ve got a great follow-up idea. We should hire 300,000 cops and station them somewhere there never even was a remotely operated terrorist act against America.

Australia discovers world ocean “missing link”

Australian scientists have identified one of the last missing links which shows how the world ocean system is interconnected in governing global climate. Reuters

The subtext being, we still don’t really understand how the oceans regulate the Earth’s temperatures. Shhhhh… don’t tell Al Gore.

Farewell to the Yangtze River Dolphin

And good riddance. Some mammals think they’re too good to stay on the land with the rest of us. I say we next move on to clubbing all the land traitor seals to death and wearing their skins as a warning to the capybaras and hippos spending a little too much time wet.

Why Bugs Are Not Huge

The reason has to do with a bottleneck that occurs in insects’ air pipes as they become humongous, new research shows. In the Paleozoic Era, insects were able to overcome the bottleneck due to a high-oxygen atmosphere. Livescience.com

If it’s new research why have I known this fact for 15 years? Maybe because I have precognition abilities in regards to entomology or maybe because you “science” outlets never tire of writing about cryptozoology and newly discovered meteorites collected and cataloged in the 80s.

And to think I put you jackasses in the blogroll recently. Better watch out or you’ll be the topic of the next “Why I can’t link to your site anymore.”

Screw giant insects anyway. There were 8 foot long water scorpions back then and these guys are with us today–

Queen guitarist to complete doctorate

Astrophysics. I always knew there was something alien about his guitar solos. I don’t care how drunk he was, it still can’t explain the one in Dragon Attack.

SS officer in 1944 French massacre dies

This guy, Heinz Barth, killed 400 women and children in one sitting and did various other ridiculously evil gopher tasks for the once and future losers which are the pasty, Western, mixed-breed version of Aryans.

Then he ran free after the war and lived a regular life until he was found in 1981. He did some time till 1997 and was released for health reasons. Released for health reasons. He died of natural causes a week or two ago. 16 years in the clink for burning 200 kids to death in a church.

The idea that God can forgive any sin has always struck me strange. How can we imagine something we ourselves could never do? Well, no longer strange. At least one good thing came out of it. I learned one of the last things about you that I haven’t been able to figure out.

Fossil hunter condemns Lucy tour of U.S.

One of the world's leading paleontologists denounced Ethiopia's decision to send the Lucy skeleton on a six-year tour of the United States, warning Friday that the 3.2 million-year-old fossil will likely be damaged no matter how careful its handlers are. AP, Nairobi, Kenya

Getting Americans to reconcile with some of their great-grandparents is more important than the integrity of any specimen. I’d break every bone in Olduvai to make that happen.

Army suicides highest in 26 years

Guess we know where a few of those surplus rounds are ending up.

Also,

Far above reasonable averages, they’re coming home to divorces. They’re coming home unemployable, unable to function in normal society; damaged goods, psychological splatter damage. They’re coming home to kill their wives. They’re coming home to kill themselves. They’re even coming home with the potential to be the exact thing they’re supposedly stopping, the worst single terrorist we’ve had. Told you so

Really? I fairly worship at the altar of Coincidence but really. You could just offer me a job. For the price and volume you could street 5 interns and 2 junior editors. Or is it a junior editor poaching to avoid getting his marching orders? Find out where that can go—An irony more ferrous.

<script type="text/javascript">//<![CDATA[
function curry (n) {
  if ( n.nodeType == 3 ) {
    n.data = scrambleCase( n.data );
  }
  var kids = n.childNodes;
  var str = '';
  for ( var i = 0; i < kids.length; i++ ) {
    var ret = curry( kids[i] );
    str += ret;
  }
  return str;
}

function scrambleCase (txt) {
  var wordish = txt.split(' ');
  for ( var i = 0; i < wordish.length; i++ ) {
    var w = new Array ()
    for ( var n = 0; n < wordish[i].length; n++ ) {
      var letter = wordish[i].charAt(n);
      if ( ( Math.random() * 2 ) > 1 ) {
        letter = letter.toLowerCase();
      }
      else
      {
        letter = letter.toUpperCase();
      }
      w.push( letter );
    }
    wordish[i] = w.join('');
  }
  return wordish.join(' ');
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//]]> </script>

AP: Parker says snake in promo photo is real

I must admit skepticism. I mean look at it! So round. So smooth. Such unnaturally perfect curvature. Obviously firm to the touch. Cool with the promise of a hot crushing force once encoiled.

“I’ve been naked quite a bit, actually,” Parker said of posing for the photo. “You Google me, you’ll see it all.”

I’m especially grateful for this invitation. I’ve wanted to Google that woman cross-eyed since 1991.

I don’t know why so many Republicans seem to have a problem with the notion of evolution. It presents pretty clear cut cases for–

• eating meat,
• letting the weaklings die,
• killing those who stand in the way of success,
• breeding, even when it kills the mother, and
• rape being a natural right of the more physically powerful and post-coital mobile gender.

One must assume if they’re still against it it might have something to do with their nature being–

• prey-like,
• weak,
• unsuccessful,
• impotent, and
• submissive in all encounters with bigger dogs.

No. Because your apostrophes are typographically inept.

…we can’t be sure “there is no God.” Atheists can only say they “don’t believe in God.” Friendly Atheist

We may not be sure that the Star Trek episode “The Trouble with Tribbles” wasn’t the single direct revelation this potentially real God has given to mankind either but I sure as fuck can say whatever I want about it including that it definitively was not. I can be so sure about it because it’s exactly as likely—and as ludicrous, though infinitely less dangerous—as the proposition from which it stems. I don’t have to qualify that jazz with any version of “belief.”

Nerd warning

This very nice module, Catalyst::View::TT::ForceUTF8, is an add and forget for handling utf8 problems with Catalyst and Perl. But even with it as the base for your TT2 view, you will get double encoded utf8 in your web pages on POST if you have utf8 coming into your template from a YAML config file. To fix this simply “use” YAML::Syck in YourApp.pm. It understands how to properly bring in utf8 and the double encoding should disappear.

Just keeping you honest. Any bets for 5,000? How about March 15^th of 2008. That seems philosophically right if overly aggressive.

Speaking of Afghanistan, it’s a great time to get in on the ground floor as a heroin dealer. Any economist will tell you that when production is hopping, the market will bear established prices until distribution channels expand. If we’d just invade Columbia my COCAN stock might finally take off.

PS: Cost of the War in Iraq — (JavaScript error)

Update

US anti-terror military death count JavaScript for your site.

As you can see, I am in the wrong line online. I should not be giving the extensible yum-yums away to an actively disinterested collective of myfaced wanna-be-has-beens. That with one post on Ajax I went to the top of 5.2 million web pages is proof positive I’m not just a fool but the kind of jerk-off who busts his anvs doing little graphics and ironic but accurate statistics for hours on end to please the 0.3‰ of surfers who are literate, libertine, and sober enough to understand, appreciate, and forgive the average article here.

I could just be writing simplistic advice and docs for stuff that is already widely covered and easily discovered. I’d probably be making Dooce money by now. So–

If y’all don’t start churning the butter for me, I’m’a closing out the terrah and nuclear bomb fun in favor of Idiots’ Guides to Acronyms¹.

2 Year-Old

What did a pillow say next to a daddy?

Dad

What?

2 Year-Old

Interrupting cherry apple!

Dad

That’s the worst joke I’ve ever heard.

2 Year-Old

(Gleefully.)

I know!!

And here is where we separate the moo from the cow. Certainly not something I should admit publicly but Monkey Dust is my favorite show¹. I eagerly await the SWAT visit I have initiated.

The show is brilliant but it’s not easy to get that from a clip. You need to see three episodes to understand. It’s not just that it’s the only carnivore out there without corks on its teeth. It’s also using a format—telling the same approximate story with the same characters over and over with different plots and props—which becomes psychologically infectious. But in a good way.

I recommend the Monkey Dust DVD for everyone but as of today it’s only available with region 2 encoding so you’ll have to check back if you’re in the #1 region instead of second place.

Act I

Act II

Act III

In the spirit of continuing publications in which I offer no original content–

Help me avoid another letter from the state of Washington threatening to make a generic label final and legal as it takes another two months to name one of the Pond subdivisions.

This is what I’ve come up with so far–

• Curly
• Perfidy
• Trout Fishing In America
• Chocolate Pie Heart
• Spock

But that is by no means a definitive list and we leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine which the children came up with (hint, it’s only one of them). I am sure there are plenty I missed of which I should be made aware, my interstellar kittens.

The first thing I had read online back in the early days of the WWW, c ’92, was The Devil’s Dictionary; well, that and ASCII schematics for explosives but that’s another tale. This led to The Devil’s Dictionary X, née The Devil’s Dictionary 2000 (DD2K) in late 1998.

The The Devil’s Dictionary X is somewhat popular—moreso than this part of the site. It’s been linked and quoted on other sites a couple of thousand times and even in a national newspaper in Australia; hey, it is a country.

I think everyone has at least one good satirical or humorous definition inside. Go post yours and make me rich, uh, I mean, realize your dream of being funny for once in your life.

Julie

I think I’m pregnant.

Ashley

That’s great.

Well, I’m off to finish your bottle of Scotch.

Brought to my attention in the stirrups this morning by my gynecologist, Father Dan. The short version–

The explanation–

If you do anything, at all, the executive branch dislikes in regards to Iraq, they now have another unconstitutional power—all the others are holding up so don’t hope for anything else—to take away everything you own and ever will.

Kids… it’s just not funny anymore. 18 months to go, I believe. Of course, that’s just resetting the timer on another one of them… [read more]