I own Apple stock. I bought it around the same time I was buying a lot of stock and dabbling in day trading. I made a few bucks day trading but it was a lot of stress and I didn’t understand all the tax implications so I stopped and just plunked my money down into a bunch of stocks I was sure were good long term buys. Certain because they were old companies, had always made money before, or seemed right for new technologies. I made the buys at the peak of the bubble. I did not buy any Apple.

I lost pretty much all of the money. The few stocks I had that didn’t tank completely, back slid and I sold at a loss. A loss totaling about $20,000. This is pennies to a lot of traders but it was every extra dollar I had while working my ass off for three years at Amazon. Live and learn. Just money. Still young. There were still the leavings of older, better companies in my account so I said, “Fuck it. I like Apple. I know it’ll tank but I own their stuff, I probably always will, I should own some stock too.”

My Apple stock is up just about 700%. I didn’t have much money left to put in it so 700% only buys me a used Toyota. The funny thing is, it is the one and only stock I ever bought for a moral reason. I expected the stock to either depreciate or barely keep up with inflation. It’s the only stock I ever bought not out of trying to predict what the market would do. If I had put that whole $20,000 into Apple instead, it would have gone up ≈ 800% and I’d be up ≈ $150,000.

One hundred and fifty thousand dollars I’ll never see because I was trying to be fucking clever instead of doing the right thing.

I start a new job today. Full telecommute, meaning the view from this desk is the view from this desk.

They’re paying me a lot of money to work with code I adore from the place I’ve waited most of my life to live. You’d better fucking believe I’m going to make sure I’m worth every penny and then some.

I challenge any of you filthy atheists to suggest in the light of the following pictorial evidence that it’s even considerable that there might not be a God. Could a disinterested series of biological pressures ever produce something like this? Hardly.

When you’re all roasting in Hell I hope you finally learn your lesson!

A comment by Charlie Davis I stole from Jonathan Schwarz which was brought to my attention by my border collie trainer Scruggs the Younger (otherwise I really had forgot all about the poor bastard David Neiwert; now I’m afraid I might actually have learned his name… ew).

David Neiwert? I love him! He’s the kind of strong friend of mankind who would gladly exchange another million dead foreigners for the simple price of restricting a democracy that happens to represent any dangerous views he doesn’t already accept. What’s the only thing worse than a corporate America which funds the Right?² A bunch of trailer trash who have $103 each.³

New species to me. Nice looker. More silvery-gray-black than the flash photo shows. Found indoors and escorted out. With the shape, fur, and big spinnerets it looks like a trapdoor spider to me.

When you misunderstood what I was trying to explain to you on the phone about my unwillingness to put your wife’s label paper through our copiers at Copy Queen you cut me off, aggressively asking, “Are you calling my wife a liar?” Even years later I feel the need to clarify and apologize.

I was absolutely not calling your wife a liar, as I said ineffectively at the time. I am sorry if somehow I conveyed that. I never thought it for a moment. It was accidental and pure cloddishness on my part. And I suppose a side-effect of trying to account for the situation without saying what we both clearly knew — that your wife was an idiot unable to navigate the most simple errand without calling for help.

PS: If it wasn’t cocaine that was toggling your conversational modalities that day, I highly encourage you to seek anger therapy. Or, you know, leave veterinary medicine, get your MBA, and go into money management where Type A personalities seem to shine.

Found outside the house

Found inside the house

Now compare and contrast. You’ll be graded on a lack of resulting neatness in depictions of possible conclusions.

First, why do you want to get rid of it? Tomboys are hot. They’re the perfect outlet for men who are straight but attracted to masculinity. So I say keep it! Don’t get rid of it unless, of course, you’re having trouble tolerating all that anal sex.

It being Christmas Eve and all, I’ll tell you what someone told me. The only reason I got a 100% instead of a 96% or whatever. You don’t have to know why or what. Just remember the following–

13'6"

Make your “thank you” checks payable to the Orphans of Internet Pr0n.

Just in time to save the day night. This picture was taken 10 minutes ago. First owl I’ve seen in 7 years here. Great night to show up.