From no less than the chairperson of the APQA, IOZ, we have, through massive and expensive scientific analysis, made a startling discovery. We reveal it here to world, scooping 20/20 and Cheaters. The following is an anagram for “Who is IOZ?”

I wish zoo

There you have it. A hidden message encouraging all Internet users to lust after zoo animals. Conclusive proof that gays practice bestiality. It also makes–

Shoo, I wiz

So maybe it just means that they like to pee in private, or something. Who knows what their twisted minds are capable of!?

When Giuliani got dusted by Ron Paul et al enough to drop out I was quite pleased and told the wife so. I could not possibly imagine a worse President. Not even Bush², I’m afraid. It was looking like Obama might push H to the C down the stairs she clawed so hard to climb for so long thus eliminating the second worst President I could imagine in the pack. So the wife asked if I was feeling better about it all considering the remaining possibilities.

I said, well, yes, in the sense that I’d rather be bitten by a rattlesnake than a cobra.

I can name a hundred Jews who are despicable pieces of human filth. The US prisons are stuffed to the rafters with Protestants. Child molestation is practically part of the canon with Catholics. I’ve spent so many hours jammed up against the groaning doors and windows of buses thanks to Buddhists that I’ve become claustrophobic. Of the thousands of Baptists I’ve met in my life I can safely say only 3 or 4 wouldn’t better serve mankind rendered for bone meal. Most of the Muslims I’ve met are basically Baptists with a different book in hand and slightly less interest in hygiene.

I never met a Mormon I didn’t like. Till Romney. Fucked it up good for me.

You simply cannot write comedy half as funny as real life if you take a minute to really look around yourself.

I swear I’m trying to hang it up but what’s a boy supposed to do?

First the bad news. I post a lot. For 5 years this was a fortnightly production. For the year since I rebuilt the software with Catalyst it’s daily or better. That’s just awful.

Now the good news. I am done for awhile. Hooray! How long? That’s just it. We don’t know. Maybe some time long, maybe some time short. I guess we’ll never know, ’cause you’re not going to visit. You won’t click our URL, will you?

If you think you know better, just keep clicking on these till you learn your lesson–

• Random Sedition·com article
• Random Sedition·com document
• Random QueryLog query and response
• Random definition from Devil’s Dictionary X

I know just last week we said we would not rest this year. That sure is easy to say before you get so damn tired.

I want to close by telling you what I most totally hate about those who are quitting something. It’s how they give advice to everyone on the way out. Always. Perdedores. Weak. Have the grace to accept you’re just a quitter.

So, anyway, here’s my advice to you: Never give advice.

runs his magazine like his life, golden heart & iron fist, fortified by glasses of whiskey & cold plates of mercury- laden fish in the small hours when magazine & life are most like finding yourself in a graveyard.

the darkness itself is out of context there & those names carefully graven into the heavy stones— they bear no relation to the bones beneath them becoming mud like poems lost in a frenzy of border crossings & sweat-stained t-shirts.

their widows, orphans & friends slog on some way, pausing to call with diminishing faith upon the undifferentiated stars for news of the the lamented, the loved one, the one who owes them money, whose songs, it’s possible, brought brief illuminations to the benighted dinner tables of winter.

from this angle it’s easy to think that the dead have no relation to the living— they are as gone as an eternity of yesterdays forgotten in the pages of a dusty bible, they never will speak the word that will return them to dance with beautiful girls, never will they enter a lover’s room under cover of night nor laugh with joyful malice at a wicked joke.

in the eastern widow a tomato ripens at its own pace; outside an old retriever waits panting for his human who approaches humming, swinging a bag of fresh beignets from the end of his murdering arm, whose soul is betrothed to the laughing spirit of eternity which glistens with young girls’ sweat, who then steals her chaste kisses in the back of a borrowed car confounded by hooks & straps, elbows & knees as the wordless moon, reflected in the river, skims across an oblique sky.

Todd Weissenberger, ©1995

Dear __________,

Did you know that going long enough with interrupted sleep every night (exempli gratia: 3 kids, 2 of them getting a parent up at least 2 times a night, sometimes 8 or 9 times) will actually start to make you a little clinically insane.

Don’t take that as a threat. Or tell anyone else I said it.

5 Factors Help Predict Psychosis in Children

The two most common psychotic symptoms are delusions and hallucinations, according to AACAP. Delusions are false but firmly held beliefs. HealthDay

They don’t identify the age range which qualifies their definition of children. They don’t really have to.

Proposal would ban cussing in bars

The township of Saint Charles, Missourah is considering making it illegal to cuss, out-drink someone, and get some tail wagged in your face for a $10 or two.

The hidden benefit of the measure is that Missouri has dropped from 45th to 48th in the order of states Americans would voluntarily choose to live in. Arkansas enjoyed the boost to 47th.

Edmund Hillary, first atop Everest, dies

I was gonna say something denigrating about Mrs Clinton over this but I see Michelle Malkin and every member of her Venn is already on it like pit bulls on a baby. In my defense—I don’t play sides—earlier I was working on a diatribe against Mrs Linguistics himself. Oh… come to think of it they are on the same side. Um… Bush sucks!

Army major blogged about his death

Andy Olmstead, forever 37 years of age, wrote a “post this if I die in Iraq” piece for his blog, AndrewOlmsted.com. It was posted.

My life isn’t a chit to be used to bludgeon people to silence on either side. I have my own opinions about what we should do about Iraq, but since I’m not around to expound on them I’d prefer others not try and use me as some kind of moral capital to support a position I probably didn’t support.

When you join the service you make yourself a chit to be moved around the battlefield. There is no such thing as a wrongful death suit in regular combat operations because sometimes it’s a soldier’s job to die. Your death is a form of moral capital. Once you’re dead, you don’t get fuck all to say about it.

Anyone interested in having your say, try a little harder not to die before you get half a chance.

GM envisions driverless cars on horizon

Sedition·com envisions employeeless GM on the 2011 Summer news cycle.

And now for some foreshortening… shhhhhh… If you miss the news, look at old ones.

I don’t think we’ve ever clipped a whole piece from someone before. We have long linked and recommended the IOZzer, though, and in the interests of not relying on you to click through and read it we present in full–

My cheiromancer, Newtonian M. Scruggs, has shuttered his virtual doors. I am sad. I will soldier on forever in his top-level domain memory! Something from the archives for his last visit of our lifetimes ever: An excerpt from my latest romance novel.