You know who really loses when people apply stereotypes?

Dumb Chinese kids and blacks who can’t dance.

When you look at some hopeless code for long enough you start to think it’s just your situation. Apparently some other shops have problems understanding that unique primary keys are actually a really good idea.

Well, I don’t care if you don’t think it’s funny.

Dear pharmacy tech who just tried to steer me to the $18 a box antihistamine or the diphenhydramine on the shelf next to it–

Zyrtec® and Claritin® have an efficacy barely greater than placebo and I happen to be in the 40% of EVERYONE THE SHIT JUST DON’T WORK ON. Also, while diphenhydramine does work well for me, I got 4 hours of sleep last night due to a bad schedule and a sleepless 3 year-old. Again. I’m actively trying to avoid a fucking nap at my desk. I’ll thank you to fetch my fucking generic pseudoephedrine by the time I sign the continuing adventures of travesty bill: Patriot Act®.

Also, I know I have long hair but do I look like I fucking do, or cook, meth? Jesus. I’m a software developer. I make just as much money, I don't risk blowing myself up, and I get to keep my perfect teeth. Check it out – :D

Elizabeth Mitchell is much taller than you’ve heard and prettier in person than she looks on camera and I’m not just saying that because she said my hair was awesome while I was buying whiskey.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m gone. Maybe now you’ll finally admit how vain you are. I am. You better take my keys. And my gun. Knife, sorry, forgot about the knife. Derp. Right. What do you mean other knife? Oh… That’s not really a knife, it’s just for like boxes and cats and stuff. …Backup gun? Heh, hope I never need to use it. I always forget it’s there. Maybe you better just take the whiskey. Hey! Wait! I was reading that.

30

I did something really quite horrible when I was younger. For no real reason—unlike other bad things I have done. Animal annoyance, youth. I’m not here to confess the act. Just to say it exists.

I like to think that I’m not that person anymore.

I used to catch hummingbirds in my bare hands, feel their little chests thrumming with an energy defying the physics of their size, see their shiny eye beads question the situation, and then open my hand to watch them fly into the blue that is cerulean summer New Mexico.

But if I am not still the person who did that horrible thing, then I am no longer the person that caught hummingbirds either.

Just want to clarify this because things do seem to get muddied. If the Rapture were to come, you might have forgot, only 144,000 get to go home. Initially at the very least.

There are around 2.1 billion Christians in the world. How many Christian friends and loved ones do you have? Check your Facebook account. I’ll wait.

Is the number less than 14,500?

Well, then if you win the lottery of loving God enough you likely will not be going to Heaven to meet Jesus, Dad, and the Ghost with a single person you know or love. It won’t be lonely though. Part of the point was you’re not supposed to care about any of them compared to YHWH anyway. And if you do, you won’t be going. So you may get exactly what you were promised after all.

Strauss-Kahn faces HIV test as 60 per cent in France believe he is victim of plot

Well, that’s a bit misleading without all the facts. Yes 60% believe he is the victim of a plot but 40% claim he sexually assaulted them.

Number of long-lasting marriages in U.S. has risen, Census Bureau reports

Oh, the price I would pay for the jokes I could tell…

Microsoft: One in 14 Downloads Is Malicious

I knew Apple and Linux were doing much better but I had no idea Windows was down to 7% of the the market.

Lonely Rogue Worlds Surprisingly Outnumber Planets with Suns

Again, again, again. Again. It’s only a surprise if you’re surprised by science and didn’t make it through Astronomy 201. A huge amount of stars are binary. The gravitation of a binary star system is all but guaranteed to eject its planets eventually.

7-Year-Old Gave Heroin To Classmates

This is exactly what’s wrong with schools in America.

Huh? Huh? You see what I did there?

Obama’s approval hits two-year high

What? Really?

Employment rate for black men at record low

Oh, sure. I get it now.

Circumcision Ban to Appear on San Francisco Ballot

When will this vicious anti-semitism end?! If people aren’t allowed to mutilate their infants’ genitals to appease their God, what kind of a nation have we become? Nazis. That’s all we are.

New York, thank you. Godwin!

See also: Thesis meet antithesis –or– PDX IZ DED.

A friend of mine and I accidentally predicted The Donald’s presidential aspirations and his complete unsuitability for even the pretense, 23 years ago, in 1988.

Heroes are defined by their enemies. Trump’s arch nemesis is Rosie O’Donnell. Donald Trump is a punchline that has to be explained. At length.

EXTERIOR, SUNNY DAY, THE FRONT DOORS OF A GLASS WALLED BUSINESS PARK ON WILSHIRE IN KOREATOWN. A TALL CAUCASIAN MAN WITH LONG HAIR AND BLUE EYES HOLDS THE DOOR OPEN FOR AN ELDERLY WOMAN.

WOMAN

OH, WHY THANK YOU. I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW LONG IT’S BEEN SINCE SOMEONE HELD THE DOOR FOR ME.

MAN

(SMILING.)

I’M NOT FROM HERE, MA’AM.

Given the following:

Can you identify which of the two following implements was involved?

Was it–

A) The entirely reasonable, wonderfully balanced, completely safe, and altogether excellent hard rubber training tanto from Cold Steel which doesn’t seem nearly as boring as it did yesterday.

B) The fucking death stick from Gerber which has no Earthly purpose other than ending lives and making a bright, slippery, sticky monchromatic show of the process as proof of its tremendous affection for its own utility.

• Past Due
• It’s cold in here
• Saint Teresa’s Quiver
• 130lb test
• DO NOT BEND
• Enlarged to show quality
• Under New Management
• – – – – – – – ✁ – – – – – – – – –
• …stand up eight.
• No Refunds
• TOGTFO
• Ton rêve
• Cervix with a Smile!
• Dear Santa, Thanks for the package!
• Tab A
• I love you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much.
• Welcome to New Mexico — Have a nice day

Via.

“He has no courage, has never climbed out on a limb. He has never used a word where the reader might check his usage by a dictionary.” William Faulkner (on Ernest Hemingway)

Yeah, I guess. Though it’s pretty fucking easy to be brave when you’re drunk. Doesn’t do much for your writing.

Obama: Bin Laden’s death makes the world safer

[Citation needed]

Nah, I’m just kidding, you’re all right. Just a little slow, eh. Nothing a prescription and some government programs won’t be able to fix, you unique and special snowflake, you.

1. The painters I admire to have faces I can stand to look at.

Uhm… that’s it really. The rest of things I want and won’t have.

You heard it here first.

ibid

Additional reading for your “support” group.

1. The circle of life, as an expression, does not apply to animals hit by cars or killed by house cats. Not even ironically.

2. s/begs(?= the question)/raises/ if rand(1) < 0.99;

3. Are you familiar with the term “technical debt?” Your midlife crises are going to be legend.

6 YEAR-OLD BOY

(Coughing, producing a sound like a seal with TB that’s been piked through one lung.)

DAD

How you doing, buddy?

6 YEAR-OLD BOY

(Brightly.)

A little bit okay.

$6 Gas? Could Happen if Dollar Keeps Getting Weaker

Couldn’t catch up to a nicer bunch. Naw, I’m just kidding. You guys are all right. Probably it’s my fault somehow. I’m sorry I let you down.

POLL: Most Americans Cannot Name Single GOP Presidential Candidate…

Dude, last week I had a frustrating two minutes where I could not remember who ran against Obama for the Republicans. Then “geriatric octopus” popped into my head and I remembered McCain. Seriously would not have remembered for half the day without the mnemonic.

iPhone keeps record of everywhere you go

Privacy fears raised as researchers reveal file on iPhone that stores location coordinates and timestamps of owner's movements–

Although mobile networks already record phones’ locations, it is only available to the police and other recognised organisations following a court order under the Regulation of Investigatory Power Act. Standard phones do not record location data.

iPhone keeps record of everywhere you go

It is only available to the police and other recognized organizations following a court order.

A-haha-ha-haha-ha-hahhah haha hah ha-aha heh, hoo! Ha, oh, God, ha, I can’t breathe… Oh, haha-ha ha hah ha haha ha!!

…Oh… sweet Jesus, my sides. Court order. Hehe.

“F” is the correct answer. The correct answer in every way. You have ADHD. Normal looks like shades of OCD to you.