I want to buy stuff and I don’t care if anyone has sex in the butt.

I find it incomprehensible that these positions have become mutually exclusive in the main.

Four and a half years ago we wrote America, not Cheney, dodged a bullet this morning, discussing how lucky it was Cheney didn’t get himself killed touring Afghanistan. It was right. We were lucky.

Well, that was then. This is now and four years ago we pointed out in Black commedy gold that only 68% of Americans even knew Cheney was Vice President at the time. Today that number is surely closer to 50% if not less.

Someone could flush this turd today and no one would notice anything but a mild improvement in atmosphere.

Phil LaMarr.

That’s about it.

You can have an infinite, well, practically, number of even short phrases in English. It’s so easy. For example–

That aardvark wears Gucci.

I would all but bet my life that that is the first time that phrase has ever been uttered, printed, or even thought. And it’s four words. It becomes trivial to draw it out to something impossible to resist: That visiting aardvark persistently demonstrated a marked preference for Italian silk textiles, and particularly Gucci scarves, each autumn when the weather turned.

Consider another phrase–

Jesus Christ, I wish I’d married your sister instead.

We can all agree, I’m certain, that this phrase has no chance of being novel, nor will any of its obvious variations.

Until socio-psycho-linguistic sciences can predict with some demonstrable accuracy, even if slight, the statistics and model of each, well… socio-psycho-linguistic sciences just really don’t rate as far as science goes; though I’m certain there is a Pentagon contractor at MIT who’d disagree.

Of the things making the kids stupid today, media obviously takes top prize and this is in spite of some really amazingly bad parenting. Like auto-fellatio amazing. Harry Potter as a general subcategory of media is the part of the Venn visible from space.

A client was upset that the animated .gifs from his site weren’t animated when printed out. I tried to explain that it simply wasn’t possible.

Client: Why are you lying to me? I know it’s possible – have you not seen the moving posters and pictures in Harry Potter!?

A client was upset…

Friends, teach your children well. They can recognize the true normals muggles by their Harry Potter tattoos.

More tiny wasps. She was about 6 millimeters long.

I’m feeling paralyzed lately. Unable to achieve anything beyond making it to work and that the kids are eating right. It’s been so long since I played music or wrote anything significant. The end.

Well, I finished that story anyway.

:( <-- that’s me after reading my own joke.

Sedition·com/search/norway.

Absurdity outside the context of a coherent narrative is indistinguishable from insanity.

Fuck you, paper towel. Always trying to tell me what to do.

You know who really loses when people apply stereotypes?

Dumb Chinese kids and blacks who can’t dance.

When you look at some hopeless code for long enough you start to think it’s just your situation. Apparently some other shops have problems understanding that unique primary keys are actually a really good idea.

Well, I don’t care if you don’t think it’s funny.

Dear pharmacy tech who just tried to steer me to the $18 a box antihistamine or the diphenhydramine on the shelf next to it–

Zyrtec® and Claritin® have an efficacy barely greater than placebo and I happen to be in the 40% of EVERYONE THE SHIT JUST DON’T WORK ON. Also, while diphenhydramine does work well for me, I got 4 hours of sleep last night due to a bad schedule and a sleepless 3 year-old. Again. I’m actively trying to avoid a fucking nap at my desk. I’ll thank you to fetch my fucking generic pseudoephedrine by the time I sign the continuing adventures of travesty bill: Patriot Act®.

Also, I know I have long hair but do I look like I fucking do, or cook, meth? Jesus. I’m a software developer. I make just as much money, I don't risk blowing myself up, and I get to keep my perfect teeth. Check it out – :D

Elizabeth Mitchell is much taller than you’ve heard and prettier in person than she looks on camera and I’m not just saying that because she said my hair was awesome while I was buying whiskey.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m gone. Maybe now you’ll finally admit how vain you are. I am. You better take my keys. And my gun. Knife, sorry, forgot about the knife. Derp. Right. What do you mean other knife? Oh… That’s not really a knife, it’s just for like boxes and cats and stuff. …Backup gun? Heh, hope I never need to use it. I always forget it’s there. Maybe you better just take the whiskey. Hey! Wait! I was reading that.

30

I did something really quite horrible when I was younger. For no real reason—unlike other bad things I have done. Animal annoyance, youth. I’m not here to confess the act. Just to say it exists.

I like to think that I’m not that person anymore.

I used to catch hummingbirds in my bare hands, feel their little chests thrumming with an energy defying the physics of their size, see their shiny eye beads question the situation, and then open my hand to watch them fly into the blue that is cerulean summer New Mexico.

But if I am not still the person who did that horrible thing, then I am no longer the person that caught hummingbirds either.

Just want to clarify this because things do seem to get muddied. If the Rapture were to come, you might have forgot, only 144,000 get to go home. Initially at the very least.

There are around 2.1 billion Christians in the world. How many Christian friends and loved ones do you have? Check your Facebook account. I’ll wait.

Is the number less than 14,500?

Well, then if you win the lottery of loving God enough you likely will not be going to Heaven to meet Jesus, Dad, and the Ghost with a single person you know or love. It won’t be lonely though. Part of the point was you’re not supposed to care about any of them compared to YHWH anyway. And if you do, you won’t be going. So you may get exactly what you were promised after all.

Strauss-Kahn faces HIV test as 60 per cent in France believe he is victim of plot

Well, that’s a bit misleading without all the facts. Yes 60% believe he is the victim of a plot but 40% claim he sexually assaulted them.

Number of long-lasting marriages in U.S. has risen, Census Bureau reports

Oh, the price I would pay for the jokes I could tell…

Microsoft: One in 14 Downloads Is Malicious

I knew Apple and Linux were doing much better but I had no idea Windows was down to 7% of the the market.

Lonely Rogue Worlds Surprisingly Outnumber Planets with Suns

Again, again, again. Again. It’s only a surprise if you’re surprised by science and didn’t make it through Astronomy 201. A huge amount of stars are binary. The gravitation of a binary star system is all but guaranteed to eject its planets eventually.

7-Year-Old Gave Heroin To Classmates

This is exactly what’s wrong with schools in America.

Huh? Huh? You see what I did there?

Obama’s approval hits two-year high

What? Really?

Employment rate for black men at record low

Oh, sure. I get it now.

Circumcision Ban to Appear on San Francisco Ballot

When will this vicious anti-semitism end?! If people aren’t allowed to mutilate their infants’ genitals to appease their God, what kind of a nation have we become? Nazis. That’s all we are.

New York, thank you. Godwin!

See also: Thesis meet antithesis –or– PDX IZ DED.

A friend of mine and I accidentally predicted The Donald’s presidential aspirations and his complete unsuitability for even the pretense, 23 years ago, in 1988.

Heroes are defined by their enemies. Trump’s arch nemesis is Rosie O’Donnell. Donald Trump is a punchline that has to be explained. At length.

EXTERIOR, SUNNY DAY, THE FRONT DOORS OF A GLASS WALLED BUSINESS PARK ON WILSHIRE IN KOREATOWN. A TALL CAUCASIAN MAN WITH LONG HAIR AND BLUE EYES HOLDS THE DOOR OPEN FOR AN ELDERLY WOMAN.

WOMAN

OH, WHY THANK YOU. I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW LONG IT’S BEEN SINCE SOMEONE HELD THE DOOR FOR ME.

MAN

(SMILING.)

I’M NOT FROM HERE, MA’AM.

Given the following:

Can you identify which of the two following implements was involved?

Was it–

A) The entirely reasonable, wonderfully balanced, completely safe, and altogether excellent hard rubber training tanto from Cold Steel which doesn’t seem nearly as boring as it did yesterday.

B) The fucking death stick from Gerber which has no Earthly purpose other than ending lives and making a bright, slippery, sticky monchromatic show of the process as proof of its tremendous affection for its own utility.