It’s not a contest. And if it is a contest, I win.

Dear _____,

I know you were not trying to be a despicable bastard when you lied about me having discussed all the work issues and given my FMLA notice because you had been sure you could pressure me into not taking the time off to care for my new born girl by telling me it was woman-work my wife ought to be doing. I was just really fucking lucky I could find the four month-old emails to prove I was telling the truth since no one wanted to take my word over yours which in itself was a bit miraculous.

In the end it doesn’t matter that you weren’t trying to be rotten human being, or a lousy Christian to double up the point. It only matters that you didn’t try hard enough not to be.

• Beautiful women will go out with me because no one ever asks them out.
• It’s completely irrelevant what anyone in the world thinks. I have a job. Chocolate cake, bacon, and peanut butter on cheddar for breakfast is not your business.
• Ancient Age is a perfectly cromulent liter of whiskey for $12 US whether I have a job or not.

It’s been far too long since I posted.

It’s been far too long since I was at the shooting range.

Barnaby will weather this.

Having accidents is mostly a matter of choice in spite of what I argued with my mom.

Venera 9 was 1,000 times more important than the upcoming US presidential election.

I have no idea why it took me 25 years to discover the capo. They rule.

Seattlites drive like retarded monkeys. They occasionally hit the turn signal by flailing their arms in the direction they’re looking though. Drivers from British Columbia are slightly worse. Retarded sloths perhaps.

The US Department of Homeland Security quietly—shhhhhhh, I said, quietly—discontinued the threat alerts on the 9^th. I guess it’s awkward to declare victory otherwise. I guess if it weren’t done quietly enough they might end up with egg 110^th floor mortar on their faces.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been staid.

When you are working your way through your list for step 9, please keep me out of it. I’ll consider that apology and thanks enough.

Strangely enough, last night I was explaining one of the many things I would do if independently wealthy: purchase or harvest expensive/unusual/endemic fossils in, say, South Africa and then plant them in, say, California in similar strata at a location known to be frequented by any famous paleontologist and wait a year or two for the fireworks and implosion.

Speaking of team spirit, among other things I would do with my billions: hire a telephone bank each 4^th of July to call every number in the London phone book and ask: Who was the UK’s greatest foe in history? Anyone who answers “George Washington” will be told, “Well, all right then. Have a nice day.” Any other answer will be met with, “YOU SUCK!” and a loud, and confusing in the age of cell phones, hang up.

I was going to burn a US flag tonight since I found one in the street and it’s apparently protected as free speech under some archaic code of law or other but I realized I might well be ticketed for burning trash.

Data is from StackOverflow. Visual Basic will never be included in anything I ever write except ad hominem attacks on the co-founder of aforementioned web resource. See also, Perl and Python hackers compared.

The word "swinger" has been filtered from the search because Google SafeSearch is active.

Thanks Google.

The exact search string was "dodge swinger" and this is what it should have found without the parochial demi-competence becoming the hallmark of the company that can do no evil–

TWO CUBES OVER

(Putting the phone down none too gently.)

Jesus fucking Christ. Will someone tell me how the fuck she makes 40K a year more than me?

Um… I’ll take a stab at it. Because she’s not a foul-mouthed misogynist with an attitude problem and no sense of decorum. I think that might be getting warm.

Baruch Kopel Goldstein (ברוך קופל גולדשטיין‎) … perpetrated the 1994 Cave of the Patriarchs massacre in the city of Hebron, killing 29 Palestinian Muslim worshipers and wounding another 125.

…

At Goldstein’s funeral, Rabbi Yaacov Perrin claimed that even one million Arabs are “not worth a Jewish fingernail.” Samuel Hacohen, a teacher at a Jerusalem college, declared Goldstein the “greatest Jew alive, not in one way but in every way” and said that he was “the only one who could do it, the only one who was 100 percent perfect.” In contrast, mainstream Jewish religious leaders “rejected the suggestion that killing Palestinians with an automatic rifle” was authorized by the Torah.

In the weeks following the massacre, hundreds of Israelis traveled to Goldstein's grave to celebrate Goldstein’s actions. Some Hasidim danced and sang around his grave. Although the government has said that those who celebrated the massacre represented only a tiny minority of Israelis, a New York Times report states that Israeli government claims may understate the phenomenon. According to one visitor to the gravesite in the wake of the attacks, “If [Goldstein] stopped these so-called peace talks, then he is truly holy because this is not real peace.” Some visitors kissed and hugged the gravestone, or even kissed the earth under which Goldstein was buried, declaring him a “saint” and “hero of Israel.”

Veneration of Goldstein and celebration of the massacre

This will help–

Who the fuck is @lianamaeby and why does twitter keep saying I should follow her? I don’t get along with emo kids generally.

Just because I’m sorry I said those things doesn’t mean I didn’t mean them. Or that they weren’t true.

But it is one of my bus stops.

That’s cool. That’s cool.

You know what we like? Competent typesetting and something a little less cliché than Helvetica. Take this to fucking heart you Pantone® challenged dilettantes: 10/12.

Oh, do try to keep up.

LUKE–AS

THE FUTURE? WILL THE MOVIES BE MADE?

ASHYO

(ASHYO CLOSES HIS EYES FOR A MOMENT.)

DIFFICULT TO SEE. ALWAYS IN MOTION IS THE FUTURE.

LUKE–AS

I’VE GOT TO START FILMING THEM.

ASHYO

DECIDE YOU MUST, HOW TO SERVE THEM BEST. IF YOU START STORYBOARDING NOW, FILM THEM YOU COULD, BUT YOU WOULD DESTROY ALL FOR WHICH THEY HAVE FOUGHT, AND SUFFERED.

LUKE–AS

(TAKES OUT HIS CELL PHONE AND DIALS A CASTING DIRECTOR.)

ASHYO

LUKE-AS! YOU MUST COMPLETE THE DUES PAYMENTS.

LUKE–AS

I CAN’T KEEP THE VISION OF C-NOTES FILLING MY SWIMMING POOL OUT OF MY HEAD. THEY’RE MY CASH COWS. I’VE GOT TO MILK THEM.

ASHYO

YOU MUST NOT DIRECT!

LUKE–AS

BUT JOSS WHEDON AND ALAN MOORE WILL ECLIPSE ME IF I DON’T.

NEIL-SAN

YOU DON’T KNOW THAT, PUSSY.

LUKE-AS LOOKS TOWARD THE VOICE IN AMAZEMENT. NEIL-SAN HAS MATERIALIZED AS A REAL, SLIGHTLY SHIMMERING IMAGE NEAR ASHYO. THE POWER OF HIS KI STOPS LUKE.

NEIL-SAN

EVEN ASHYO WOULDN’T PUSS OUT ON THIS. LITTLE BACKWARD TALKING PINK BITCH HE IS.

LUKE–AS

BUT I CAN BANK THEM! I FEEL THE MERCHANDISING!

NEIL-SAN

BUT YOU GOT NO DICK CONTROL. THIS IS A DANGEROUS TIME FOR YOU, WHEN YOU WILL BE TEMPTED BY THE FRANCHISING AND THE FREEDOM TO POP-OFF EVERY INANE WHIM WITHOUT SANE OVERSIGHT TO SHUT YOUR PUNK ASS DOWN LIKE IN ’76.

ASHYO

YES, YES. TO NEIL-SAN YOU LISTEN. THE EWOKS. REMEMBER YOUR FAILURE AT THE EWOKS!

LUKE–AS

BUT I’VE LEARNED SO MUCH NOT DOING ANY FILMS IN THE TEN YEARS SINCE THEN. MASTER ASHYO, I PROMISE TO RETURN AND MAKE A VIETNAM MOVIE. YOU HAVE MY AGENT’S NUMBER.

NEIL-SAN

IT IS YOU AND YOUR PROPERTIES THE TOY AND GAME MANUFACTURES WANT. THAT IS WHY YOUR EX-WIFE TOOK YOU FOR EVERYTHING FROM THE FIRST FILMS.

LUKE–AS

AND THAT IS WHY I HAVE TO START PRINCIPAL PHOTOGRAPHY.

NEIL-SAN

BITCH, I DON’T WANT TO LOSE YOU TO THE TRADE RAGS THE WAY I LOST COPPOLA.

LUKE–AS

YOU WON’T.

ASHYO

STOPPED THEY MUST BE; ON THIS ALL DEPENDS. ONLY A FULLY TRAINED DIRECTOR, WHO HAS MADE MORE THAN THREE MOVIES, TWO OF THEM OF MARGINAL QUALITY, AND NONE OF THEM THE BEST OF THE SERIES, WILL CONQUER THE SOPHOMORE SLUMP. IF YOU END YOUR DUES PAYMENTS NOW — IF YOU CHOOSE THE QUICK AND EASY PATH AS SPIELBERG DID — YOU WILL BECOME AN AGENT OF COMMERCIAL NONSENSE.

NEIL-SAN

SIT THE FUCK DOWN TILL YOU CAN WRITE A COHERENT TREATMENT WITHOUT ANY MICROBES OR RACIAL STEREOTYPES FOR ALIENS, SO-CAL.

LUKE–AS

AND SACRIFICE THE PREQUELS?

ASHYO

IF YOU HONOR THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY, YES!

Sometimes we fight but then you make me so happy.

Web Results 1 - 10 of about 10,300 for "how to hide a dead hooker". (0.27 seconds)

This is not ’Nam, this is cooking, there are rules.

Via » Via.

I begged you not to fuck this up for me, Andrew Stanton. And no matter how good the radium rifles and the sword play and the princess are you need to answer for this shit–

This is what Woola looks like–

The entire fucking point of the beast is that it’s completely repulsive and frightening but acts like a puppy for John Carter as he’s the only person who ever showed him kindness.

Anyone who says, earnestly, the words I’m just keeping it real is… Jesus F-wise Christ. I don’t actually know what I need to say about that. How is it that anything needs to be said?