It’s been 50, 60, 70, 10,000 years and you still don’t have the first inkling what rock and jazz and R&B and metal and rap and punk and youth and beauty are…

[Updated as needed.]

Why is Wanita Renea Young a very sad, sad woman who has made the world a sadder place.

Two teen girls left a box of homemade cookies with paper hearts on Ms Young’s doorstep; they did so for several neighbors. She sued the girls for the anxiety attack she claims it brought on and a colossally moronic judge awarded her the “medical” damages incurred when the cookies prompted her to visit the emergency room the next day thinking she’d had a heart attack.

Why is Michelle Malkin a fantastically awful bitch?

About 120,000 American citizens [Ed: this is incorrect, approximately 62% were citizens, making it 74,000 citizens, which adjusted for population growth would be the same as 160,000 today, plus the 100,000 others without citizenship] were put into prison camps by the US government, and President Franklin Delano Roosevelt in particular. Not one of these people hurt anyone or tried to. There was not one combatant death during wartime on US soil (though an explosive balloon got an Oregon family as I recall). Michelle Malkin is so completely fucktarded that she thinks putting 100,000 people in prison solely for having epicanthic folds is justifiable and defensible. She wrote a book about it called In Defense of Internment: The Case for Racial Profiling in World War II and the War on Terror. I refer the mentally challenged author to a simple proof and remind her that no one—even a pretty non-Caucasian—should be lowering the bar for freedom pro-rated by skin tone.

Why is Elizabeth Hoffman a conniving bitch?

9news.com reports: University of Colorado President Elizabeth Hoffman said a four-letter word used toward women can sometimes be used as a “term of endearment.” She did this to offer a defense of university’s football players and recruits who used expletives to address female teammates. By demonstrating this support for her male athletes Miss Hoffman reveals just what a sweet, sweet cunt she is.

Why are Sabrina Harman and Lynndie England ghoulish twats?

I dunno—you tell me.

Why is Terri Carlin a dumb bitch?

Terri Carlin of Knoxville, TN filed suit against Janet Jackson for baring her breast on national TV. The ambulance chaser involved is named Wayne A Ritchie Jr; he is an Evil Bastard. Mizz Carlin alleges damages—which could run into the billions of dollars—from Americans seeing a breast. She’s a woman who thinks she, and half of America, was severely damaged by seeing a breast. Does this woman bathe and dress in the dark?

Why are Terry Bethea and Virginia Bonvillain dumb bitches?

They assigned ongoing behavior reprogramming to a 7-year-old boy in Louisiana for telling a school-mate that his mom is gay. His mom is gay. Gay is not a dirty word. Neither is cracker in this case.

Why is Kathy Cox a dumb bitch?

Kathy Cox, the Georgia Superintendent of Schools, tried to get the word “evolution” removed from all state curricula and tried to add intelligent design along side its neutered remains. Even Jimmy Carter, his Christian faith strong to the point of believing that his mere lust constituted a form of infidelity, said, “Nationwide ridicule of Georgia’s public education system will be inevitable if this proposal is adopted.” Oh, the ridicule might come just of the proposal being made.

Why is Shane Walker dumb?

She might not be a bitch, she could be the nicest person around, but calling the cops to report that her boyfriend had stolen a felony weight of weed from her makes her the dumbest woman alive.

Who else?

Bonnie “Scare Tactics” Hammer and Jeri “Too Smart to Be a Doctor” Ryan.

We were just moving from Hokona to Santa Clara, an all girls dorm. Patrolling with Travis, my supervisor, 12-3am shift. Travis was from Southern New Mexico as I recall which is all but Texas.

Travis was the new head security aide. I had applied for the job at the same time he had. I had a couple years experience. He had one semester. I had the strongest possible recommendation of the most tenured head SA. He had nothing. He got the job. The man who gave him the job, Dave (maybe Dallas but I can’t remember; soft-spoken platinum blond guy), happened to be in the same Christian group of friends. I think they were all in the CCC (Campus Crusade for Christ) but I’m not sure. I happened to have a reputation as a Satanist thanks specifically to a bass player by the name of Dale something or other who was probably more interested in poking my girlfriend than protecting her immortal soul from the devil when he started the stories.

Anyway.

We were walking past Santa Clara Hall when we saw three big fellas hanging around the side of the building in the shadows. I said, “Let’s go talk with them.”

Travis said something along the lines of, “Nah, better not. Let’s call the campus cops.”

I said, “Ah, don’t worry. Let’s go.” And traipsed off without a care in the world.

After a step or two Travis fell back. I didn’t know it because looking to your companion for support makes you look like you’re scared. It was three big guys and I was neither scared nor wanted to appear so. I didn’t know I was alone till I got to them—Travis about 25 yards behind me under the nearest streetlight.

It was obviously three football players from the UNM team. They all outweighed me by 50lbs; they all happened to be black. Ah, Travis, now I finally get it!

When I walked up to them, one picked up a broken leg of a Road Closed sign. An equalizer, as the kids say, though any witness would put the odds against me without the help.

I said, “Evening, guys.” They responded amicably.

I said, “What’s a big guy like you need a stick for?” He threw it down, bashfully smiling.

We chatted a moment. I said something like, “Look, I gotta get y’all to leave, you know. It’s my job.”

And we parted company as perfect gentlemen with, “Have a good one,” and so on.

When I got back to Travis he was on his handheld radio. I guess he was trying to hash out whether it was a 10-whatever or a 10-whatsits with the campus cops’ switchboard temp in time to save my life.

That cocksucker showed up for work drunk a week later too. Kept his job though.

Especially over time, the horrific becomes a source of amusement. No one believes they can laugh at their own misfortune in the midst of it but for most of us it does become funny after time has worn out the stinger and its venom. It’s healthy. It’s proof of the inefficacy and risibility of misfortune. Arguably proof that happiness has higher gravity.

But the Holocaust isn’t funny yet. Even after 60 years now. In fact, it’s so unfunny that making jokes about it is illegal in several countries. It’s not illegal in the US but unless you’re alone with some of your asshole buddies from the groups we were talking with before, even you aren’t stupid enough to joke about it.

Even so, the Holocaust will be fodder for stand-up comics someday. Just like everything else. Gently at first, focusing on jokes at the expense of the perpetrators. Eventually, no holds barred.

When will the Holocaust be funny? After all the survivors and participants have died of natural causes.

And maybe after all the Holocaust deniers have died too, of whatever causes.

I swear to Patpong Road I’ve been trying to not write about this stuff. You don’t want to hear my story about the beating I took from trying to stop Jamie from skinning that frog alive anyway.

Senator John F Kerry

Kerry begs the question, How many babies do you have to kill to be evil? The answer apparently is not “one.”

Wesley Clark

Who? Oh, yes, the guy who joined the Democrat party 4 months ago. If there was a Democrat incumbent, he would have swung the other way, no doubt. He gave testimony to Congress that the US doesn’t need the UN’s permission to invade Iraq—or any other country—and he was sure Iraq had weapons of mass destruction which would inevitably be used against America. Now he says he never said it; which those with a 4^th grade reading level seem to be willing to accept. If that’s not proof enough that he’s the worst man for the job, just realize that Madonna endorsed him. Ignoring his cardinal lack of integrity, there’s no more damning testimony against a man.

Actually, one thing would make me vote for him. If he agrees to make good on his guarantee that there will be no terrorist attacks if he’s President. By “make good,” I mean, he signs a legal guarantee agreeing to be shot in head if such a thing does happen on his watch.

[Ed (01/24/04): follow up in the interests of trust. I know the Congressional quotes have been taken out of context but they don’t change the issue. You don’t get to say, “I’m in favor of killing my neighbor, my neighbor is going to hurt me otherwise, and I don’t think I need anyone’s permission; but I think I should wait awhile,” and then turn around and say you never supported neighbor killing. He supported the war in Iraq without the UN’s adivce—I suspect he just wanted to wait another 18 months till he was in office and it was his ratings bonanza.]

[Ed (01/30/04): last follow up necessary. He intentionally ordered civilian targets bombed in Serbia and there were civilians killed. That makes him a war criminal. And not in the shot-wounded-men and innocent people to death sense that John Kerry is but full-on legally an international war criminal; lucky for him the US hasn’t allowed an international war crimes tribunal to form.]

Al Sharpton

When you have strongly stratified classes, Communism is an appealing notion to the ones beneath. Somehow avoiding the C-word or even the S-word makes it palatable enough for public discussion.

Dennis Kucinich

Cleveland? Seriously? Using one’s ability to run a town into the ground as proof that you’ve got the courage of your convictions is an interesting, if unoriginal position: Being bad at my job proves I’m doing it right.

Carol Moseley Braun

Is out of it now. Don’t know much about her. She has a nice smile.

Richard Gephardt

Well, why not? It took another tricky Dick three tries to get in the big chair. Oh, spoke too soon. He’s out now too. Gotta quit putting these off till the last minute.

John Edwards

Hmmm. Carolinas; they’re polite and courteous. Young and good looking. Yeah, he’s the winner in the batch. Also happens to be a blood sucking, ambulance chasing, nouveau riche elitist pro-war, anti-war, pro-war enemy of personal responsibility who thinks you deserve at least 8 million dollars for spilling coffee on yourself. Yep, he’s a rat bastard who calls people outside of his sphere, “regular people.” If I remember much about you, he’s the one you want.

Howard Dean

No one in the world is a bigger fan of righteous anger than I am. Ask anyone. This cat however, doesn’t look you in the eye when he yells at you. Speaking as an anger expert: That’s a very, very, very bad sign. That said, Vermont’s economy improved while taxes fell when he was Governor. I’m not convinced it won’t be a mistake but I’d probably vote for him.

Can’t hardly wait for the State of the Union Address.

[Ed (01/21/04): realized that Joe Lieberman got left off the list and wanted to mention that it wasn’t the silent anti-semitic treatment, I just honestly forgot he was running. I think he has that effect on a lot of voters. Poor bastard.]

Uncle. For the love of Jesus the Cripes, uncle.

Seasons of the Electric Witch was a long poetic exploration on an intricate acrostic theme of winter, spring, summer, and autumn with my own newfound Italian, or lack thereof, used as bookends for it. An experimental work unlike most everything else I ever wrote, it was liberating and finally quite satisfying. It took a great deal of work. It’s the most structured poetry I ever wrote. I was proud of it. And though it isn’t my best, it contains some of my favorite lines.

the words do complicate,
the words get in the way,
every word used by another
is a word i shouldn’t say.

With this new pride I submitted it and two of my shorter works to my university’s student run literary rag, Blue Mesa, I think. They judge blind, no names, so the work is all that counts. I’d never shown it in a class. No one had ever read it. I liked my chances.

After some time went by I was pleased to accept but the second or third of my two score rejection letters.

That tears it.

I was already pretty good at typography and typesetting so I got a business license and started a ’zine. I didn’t know it then but this is the curse. They don’t tell you about the curse. But I will. To prove I’m your friend in spite of everything.

Writers who want nothing more than to write—even for beans and rice and that snowed in mud shack without plumbing—will become editors. As editors they will be frustrated and miserable and never see anything they care that they wrote in print. It works for any career.

I discovered this axiom early but not early enough. Like you, I should have seen it coming. Before I ended up an editor, my best friend, a fantastic actress, ended up a Production Coordinator. Making good green but not really happy at all. I watched that poor chick go to a call back and do a regular day’s work one day when she was puking every hour from a stomach bug. She wanted it. Like me, she got the worst compromise—facilitating the dream but not being allowed to be the thing.

The new ’zine, majenta (some pieces converted to online life), did well, fairly predictably. Sold every copy of 7 issues and various side projects and whatever reprints we did. Good reviews, all unsolicited and two from out of state.

For the second or third issue I hit up some old chums from the English department for submissions. Contrary to popular belief among unpublished writers, editors don’t want to keep you from getting published, they just can’t find you. Or you suck.

Someone I’d had a couple classes with responded favorably. She was doing her thesis (undergrads have to do a thesis for a writing degree at UNM). So she agreed to hand over her poetry thesis as a submission.

When she did I was excited to have what I expected to be a polished work to pick and choose from. Thumbing through I’d already seen a couple worth publishing before I got to the last one; I believe it was Seasons of the Hysterical Female.

It opened with an Italian word or two. It continued on to discuss the seasons and so on and so forth at some length. I’ve never been given Rohypnol but I suspect what I felt was exactly like someone who has and is slowly realizing something is wrong. Really wrong but what.

I read it again. It made no sense. How? The spirit of the radio? Some bizarre pin-point manifestation of zeitgeist caused by a shared lecture from Sandra Cisneros? Bruja becomes strega because… No… No. She had been a judge on the Blue Mesa panel. That’s all that made sense. The panel that rejected my poem as unfit for publication.

That fucking bitch had submitted a loose rewrite of my own poem back to me and worse, had used it as a part of her graduation work. At the time I tried to find some flattery in it.

Provided without commentary.

Commentary: some of the terms weren’t in the dictionary till recently so may not be equally represented. Also, all terms appear on various letter pages which got 50,000 views for the year so all were viewed more times than indicated.

1. Bambi Francisco (viewed 3,240 times)
2. nymphomaniac (viewed 2,726 times)
3. zoophilia (viewed 2,122 times)
4. sex (viewed 1,458 times)
5. crack whore (viewed 1,139 times)
6. pig-fucker (viewed 1,106 times)
7. onanism (viewed 1,103 times)
8. Ku Klux Klan (viewed 999 times)
9. mammogram (viewed 990 times)
10. monkey-fucker (viewed 948 times)
11. vagina (viewed 936 times)
12. whore (viewed 887 times)
13. oral sex (viewed 784 times)
14. sheep-fucker (viewed 777 times)
15. porch nigger (viewed 771 times)
16. masturbate (viewed 735 times)
17. what (viewed 703 times)
18. woman (viewed 698 times)
19. nigger (viewed 693 times)
20. raghead (viewed 642 times)
21. slut (viewed 634 times)
22. stripper (viewed 618 times)
23. male-slut (viewed 588 times)
24. passive-aggressive (viewed 585 times)
25. kike (viewed 579 times)
26. beer goggles (viewed 578 times)
27. wake-n-bake (viewed 555 times)
28. love (viewed 548 times)
29. faggot (viewed 522 times)
30. Photoshop (viewed 519 times)
31. debtors prison (viewed 518 times)
32. mother (viewed 510 times)
33. micro manager (viewed 510 times)
34. Maria Bartiromo (viewed 493 times)
35. self-respect (viewed 492 times)
36. no (viewed 491 times)
37. contortionist (viewed 486 times)
38. racist (viewed 484 times)
39. alcohol (viewed 479 times)
40. gay (viewed 472 times)
41. ex-girlfriend (viewed 465 times)
42. man (viewed 461 times)
43. yes (viewed 454 times)
44. word (viewed 452 times)
45. American (viewed 451 times)
46. Jew (viewed 446 times)
47. temp-agency (viewed 441 times)
48. rape (viewed 438 times)
49. never (viewed 434 times)
50. radio disk jockey (viewed 433 times)
51. non-alcoholic beer (viewed 425 times)
52. hacker (viewed 408 times)
53. Nazi (viewed 407 times)
54. anal probe (viewed 407 times)
55. jarhead (viewed 406 times)
56. fuck (viewed 400 times)
57. torture (viewed 399 times)
58. Bible (viewed 395 times)
59. interesting (viewed 394 times)
60. white trash (viewed 393 times)
61. share (viewed 388 times)
62. heroin addict (viewed 388 times)
63. God (viewed 385 times)
64. majenta (viewed 385 times)
65. rapper (viewed 384 times)
66. non-sequitur (viewed 380 times)
67. Lowest Common Denominator (viewed 375 times)
68. homosexual (viewed 366 times)
69. Hamsterdam (viewed 363 times)
70. nuclear bomb (viewed 361 times)
71. clothes-hanger (viewed 360 times)
72. American Indian (viewed 358 times)
73. kind (viewed 355 times)
74. worship (viewed 355 times)
75. lesbian (viewed 353 times)
76. Republican (viewed 352 times)
77. death (viewed 349 times)
78. girlfriend (viewed 340 times)
79. homo habilis (viewed 340 times)
80. government subsidy (viewed 339 times)
81. girl (viewed 338 times)
82. judgemental (viewed 336 times)
83. URL (viewed 334 times)
84. white (viewed 333 times)
85. romance (viewed 332 times)
86. queer (viewed 331 times)
87. Hell (viewed 331 times)
88. epithet (viewed 330 times)
89. Jesus (viewed 330 times)
90. cunt (viewed 329 times)
91. Evil (viewed 328 times)
92. right (viewed 328 times)
93. cunnilingus (viewed 327 times)
94. sodomy (viewed 325 times)
95. coffee (viewed 324 times)
96. hippy (viewed 324 times)
97. literally (viewed 319 times)
98. niggah (viewed 317 times)
99. Buddha (viewed 317 times)
100. twat (viewed 316 times)

See all these and more in the Devil’s Dictionary™.

The first set was so much fun, here are four more fresh for 2004 for your enjoyment and maybe for your own site. Scroll down to get the HTML to add them to your site and what options are available. Here are two random samples from the menu.

Our new menu, columns A and B

You can use the HTML samples below on your own site to get the warnings they are shown with.

Conservative with headshots

To display the current terror alert level on your own site, you can add the following HTML to a page.

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/threat.js?t=cp"> </script>

The HTML below will randomize it. Randomized might be preferable to the real level. The real level rarely changes so isn’t as interesting as content, and the real level has almost no meaning whatsoever to the average North American.

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/threat.js?t=cp;r=1"> </script>

Liberal with headshots

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/threat.js?t=lp"> </script>

And randomized below (sample image not shown).

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/threat.js?t=lp;r=1"> </script>

Conservative with text

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/threat.js?t=c"> </script>

And randomized below (sample image not shown).

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/threat.js?t=c;r=1"> </script>

Liberal with text

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/threat.js?t=l"> </script>

And randomized below (sample image not shown).

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://sedition.com/threat.js?t=l;r=1"> </script>

Classic terror level

Well, sure it’s only 10 days old…

To display the current Classic Terror™ alert level on your own site, check the instructions.

Caveat

These are provided without warranty. Sedition·com has been in continuous service since 1998 and we intend to remain online in perpetuity but there is no guarantee we will be able to do so.

The JavaScript that drives these has been tested and works correctly in 8 different browsers on Macintosh but it is possible it will fail on other or older browsers. We estimate that problems will occur on fewer than 1% of active browsers but it’s also not a guarantee.

Happy New Year.

I would like to thank

Again, this was inspired by Geek and Proud and by turn Wacky Neighbor.

Technotes

Anyone interested in seeing how these work can learn all about it here: Passing JavaScript arguments via the src attribute.

Another long term research project. The bonnetéd bees must have their way.

These are all intentionally falsified quotes. They are fictions. “No quote on this page is real,” he typed furiously, “excepting, of course, this one.” I am making them up right now. I found them nowhere. They didn’t exist until I was eating some trail mix and thought how well dried mango would go with fictitious quotes.

This page will be online for many years to come, barring an untimely death if I push my handlers too far. Maybe nothing will ever come of it but I think that many out there are stupid enough or malicious enough to take these and repost them in another venue without the proper attribution: outright falsehood. I do admit my own curiosity borders on the malicious, but then again we drown an awful lot of dogs in the name of knowledge every day. I think of this as medical research and so should you.

The list will likely grow over time and news briefs but will only ever contain original lies.

No one hates chickens more than I. Anyone who loves chickens shouldn’t be allowed to be an American. George W Bush

When I discovered my brother was a CIA operative assassinating civilian leaders in Laos, it changed my whole perspective on war. Howard Dean

I didn’t vote for Bush intentionally, you have to understand. You have no idea how difficult it is to read a ballot when you’re drunk. Michael Moore

It was a sad day for America when Santa Claus killed Jesus on the cross. Jerry Falwell

Being a smart chick has had its drawbacks. Condoleezza Rice

A little sexual experimentation when a man is young does not make him a homosexual. And my wife understands that. Oral Roberts

Maybe it is wrong but I still think Jim Carey is funnier than Damon Wayans. Louis Farrakhan

I’ve always thought of the term “cracker” with pride. The only way to rob the word of its power to harm is to make it our own. Tom Ridge

I didn’t enjoy killing people in Vietnam—especially the civilians we got on 44—but I’m proud I got the chance to do so for my country. John Kerry

The only thing as dangerous as the reds is the gays. Ronald Reagan

Look, I admit it was a really bad breakup with Ralph [Nader] and maybe I was bitter at the time but it did not color my political view and I’ve had better orgasms with a Browning 1919 anyway. Ann Coulter

If I learned anything from President Kennedy it’s that when a woman half your age wants it, it doesn’t matter that your wife is down the hall or that a Senator is waiting to meet you. William Jefferson Clinton

The timing of reporting exit polls during a national election is a delicate issue if you want to improve your candidate’s chances for winning. Tom Brokaw

I may not like Ann [Coulter] but I suppose I’d fuck her. Ted Rall

I know I stole everything from William Gibson, but he’s like practically a Canadian. Neal Stephenson

I really don’t hate the hebes. Hillary Rodham Clinton