I cannot tell you definitively who to trust—the list is too small and too many phony credentials are available and, I sheepishly confess, my track record is not stellar—but I can tell you who you cannot trust. That at least will save you some time.

You always think I’m wrong about this stuff and then 3 years later you’re sorry but still ready to go another throw. Skinned knees and all.

You cannot trust someone who won’t have a drink with you. It means one of 3 things.

1. The person who won’t drink with you doesn’t drink and is therefore either some brand of socio-religious-fanatic or on daily medication that proscribes alcohol consumption. Neither one makes for trust. Crazy or damaged. That it may not be his or her fault doesn’t change the conclusion.
2. The person who won’t drink with you is an alcoholic attempting recovery. You can’t trust an addict. The end. If you doubt the veracity of this, we have three adjuncts to describe your problem:
   1. Too young to have discovered this already.
   2. To stupid to learn lessons no matter how painful or obvious or painfully obvious.
   3. You are yourself an addict and you haven’t hit bottom yet.
3. The person who won’t drink with you dislikes you. While they may be right not to like you, the point today isn’t, “Are you a likable person,” it’s “who you can’t trust.” You can’t trust someone who dislikes you.

You cannot trust someone who will drink with you. They could be an alcoholic in denial. We already covered trust and addicts. They could just want to get you drunk enough to fuck you. Don’t assume anything based on gender and never accept a drink you didn’t open yourself or see poured at the bar.

You cannot trust someone who only knows how to do one thing. This is the sign of a mind with no interest in the world. Someone who doesn’t care about the world is hardly going to care about who? Oh, you! They can’t even be troubled to keep track.

You cannot trust someone who thinks a college education matters. It means they think they are better than you by their education. Or maybe not technically better, just better equipped to make decisions than you are. Decisions like who gets to vote, who writes policy, who gets jobs, who gets a bullet in the back of the neck, so on.

You cannot trust someone who thinks education is bullshit. It means they think they are better than you by flavor of faith or skin tone or favored malt liquor. You have to have an education to know why you’re better than others.

You cannot trust anyone who writes online. They don’t know you, or are miles away from you. This means they can say whatever they want without fear of even oral reprisal let alone a Texas-style correction of view. Anyone who doesn’t have to look you in the eyes while they talk with you can’t be trusted.

Present company excepted.

For a change, CM’s sobriety coincided with a lack of incarceration when he called me last night. I made what I thought was a witty remark about how George² was miles away from Reagan. Basically bankrupting America to burn the USSR down. Fiscal violence against the commies and darkies and non-Protestants; instead of the retro tack we’re on now: real violence.

No one will admit more readily than I that I was wrong. I was wrong.

Aside from some of the things you may have seen on the news, something about Iran, no it was it Iraq, oh, who has time to keep informed! Some terror types getting ready to launch… dinghies, right? That’s what Syria uses anyway—ready to destroy America any moment and so on and so forth. Aside from that news, here’s some more from our friends at The Cato Half-Way House (“On Spending, Bush Is No Reagan,” by Veronique de Rugy and Tad DeHaven, Tax and Budget Bulletin No. 16, August 2003).

George² is not just a president whose foreign policy is written in angry crayon, he’s also helping the great white G to outspend Reagan like there was no tomorrow.

Say, there is still a tomorrow scheduled, right?

Many persons are arguing, perhaps rightly, that marriage is a religious issue—not a civil one. Therefore the churches should decide who gets married.

The major churches in the West come down about 99% no weddings for queers. There you go. Case closed. Dilemma resolved. 30.

If you are against gays getting married I want to let you know there is a way that would guarantee that the churches decide and the atheist Liberal rabble wouldn’t get a say. So simple and so absolute. If this is an issue you think is important and take personally, I must recommend this solution to you. It’s foolproof.

If the Christian law makers in the US just kept Church and State separate, marriage would still be the exclusive purview of religion. But you wanted to eat your wedding cake and still have it. So you made marriage legislative which makes it a civil issue now, like it or not. Once a law is on the books, it’s for the Judicial branch to handle. Which ultimately means that you medieval cretins don’t get to have your child-rapist Cardinals, Priests, and Ministers decide who gets married. Thank God.

With Volume 4 we bid adieu to the query logs.

What is a stiff neck?

A symptom of poor posture. Oh, and meningitis.

How much is 100,000?

You people and your trick questions!

How others see me.

In all your 72dpi jpeg glory.

How to attract butterflies.

Pee everywhere. Butterflies love pee. No, seriously. No, damnit, this time it’s not a joke!

How did you do this site?

Perl, Apache, Asmara espresso, Template::Toolkit, Fireworks, Jameson whiskey, and a lot of music I don’t insist that you know I’m listening to right now. Class::DBI too but they don’t have a logo to dilute honor. Oh, alright, Andy! A couple backend pieces run on WWW::Mechanize.

When your child is not well liked.

The apple takes a good bounce now and then but maybe not this time.

What is the average IQ?

I answered this already. The answer is itself an IQ test. I’ll only say this once. There is a secret message on this page. Find it and you get your answer and proof that your IQ is at least 90.

How to start making my own show on PBS kids.

For the love of Janet’s Starry-Starry Nipple, don’t start by studying child psychology.

What to find in Hamsterdam?

Goddamnit, stop! You’ll drive me mad too.

What is a sole mate?

Best answered here.

What is masquerading?

Showing up to work if you’re in marketing.

When will the nuclear explosion happen?

When the first Muslim country to underestimate Israel’s willingness and ability to retaliate 7-fold gets the bomb.

What your friends say about you?

If you brush and floss daily there is nothing all that bad they can say.

Where to buy dope.

Why don’t you phone your Sheriff’s office? They know most of the drug dealers in the county. They’ll be glad to help you.

Where to buy dope in Seattle.

The boardwalk at the piers after dark. But beware the CM.

Which would you like to drink?

Mmmm, generous offer. How about… your blood?

When to use “an” with words that start with “h.”

When the word has no “h” sound. “An” is used to smooth the transfer from one vowel sound “a” to another like “o” in “an honor.” Or when the calendar reads the 1801 again.

Do snakes have hearts?

And ribs, which decided the only bet I’ve ever won. Ha, Will. You still owe me 50¢, you know.

Do you something about snakes?

I used to for 5¢ a snake. But I don’t have any neighbors who are terrified of garter snakes now so I’m currently unemployed.

How to cork bat.

That’s cheating. Cheaters never prosper. Except in baseball. And the Olympics. And politics. And business. And you get the idea.

How to write angry poetry.

If you have to ask, you’re not angry enough yet. I would be glad to refer you to recent world history, my little black book, or my last manager for help.

How we elect presidents in the USA.

Well, first off, two political parties funded entirely by corporations and churches pick two marionettes with palatable mugs to parade in front of the television. Then, after about a year of that, somewhere between 49% and 62% of US citizens turn out to vote. These votes are then discarded. The electoral college, another group owned by the two parties, steps in. They are conscience bound to vote with the people of their state but they in fact have no legally binding requirements in many states and can vote for a sausage if they feel like it.

How to provide baby hummingbirds with protein.

Keep a semi-wild yard without pesticides. Hummingbirds eat little insects, spiders, and other goodies besides flower nectar.

How to tell if a baby is of mixed race.

Start with yourself. If you don’t have full genealogical records going back at least 1,000 years then you are of mixed race. It’s nice when we have things in common, isn’t it?

How to tell if you’ve had too much coffee.

Can you sleep? Can you hold your hand out without tremors? You’ve haven’t had too much.

How to tell someone they are not liked.

Telling someone they are not well liked is a favor. If you don’t like them, don’t do them any favors.

How to torture.

Try LiveJournal or Blogger.

How to write a love note.

Like you knew it was going to be read aloud at a party as an amusing break from beer bonging, cocaine, and banging 15-year-olds. Never got to thank you for that, Eric Flores.

How to write system admin resume.

Get some help from someone who knows English well enough to try to spell cron with an “h.”

How ugly is the Devil?

He’s not. He’s the angel of light: Lucifer, luc- meaning light. He’s the most beautiful thing you’ll ever regret seeing for the rest of eternity.

How was the Devil born?

The Devil was a chief Seraph (an arch-angel) and God’s highest officer. The Bible is sketchy on the origin of the angels and the reasons for the Fall. The Apocrypha go into more detail but it’s a sin to read them.

How well-liked are you?

Me? If you ask the dog, really exceedingly well.

How women orgasm.

Differently. Each and every one.

How to build night vision goggles.

Go back to school. Try some science courses this time.

How to convince a man to have a baby.

Stop talking crazy. Any man who has to be convinced will be a terrible, and likely temporary, father.

How to criticize music.

Stop paying for it.

How to do self-cunnilingus.

10 years of Yoga, maybe.

How to find vulnerability.

Just push a few buttons. Whatever anyone gets upset about is the weak spot. For example, if I say, “Your mom is a lousy lay and she owes me change for that $20,” or “The Immaculate Conception is the holiday celebrating the night God fucked Mary,” and you get upset, I’ve discovered a vulnerability.

Who is Fat Bastard?

Also known as CM, Chronic Motherfucker, he is a friend of mine. Well, friend is a pretty strong word.

How a Chinese girl got her name.

Often, the family will consult an astrologer for good choices but that’s less common as time goes by. Oh, you were thinking of that totally racist joke about the silverware and the sink, yeah? Fuck you, Billy, and fuck the plastic silverware your mom fed you with growing up in the trailer park.

How big is a 36-25-36 woman?

If she’s 4'11", too big.

Why are frogs dying in a backyard pond?

Amphibians have permeable skin. You’ve probably got some kind of toxin getting into the water; though it could be disease or parasites too, that’s less likely. Don’t wash your car or let any soaps or oils within at least 50 yards of the pond or rain water will probably wash it in. Don’t paint or use any chemical cleaners or purifiers in the pond either. If you have pets, clean up after them. Feces can run into the water and promote organisms dangerous to amphibians.

How can I see if my friend is online?

Ask him or her, either via email or with an IM client. If you’re snooping, you’re not a friend.

How did JFK won the 1960 election?

By the slimmest margin possible. And by saying nuclear war was almost on us and promising he’d go after Communists. Maybe also had the help of registering lots of dead people to vote. The Democrats and their union sponsors were legendary for that back in the day.

How died Chelsea Clinton?

She was in the trunk of Princess Di’s car. The government used their secret cloning lab and millions of dollars of tax payer money to rebuild her. Unfortunately, not any better than before.

How do we know that the first living things did not require oxygen?

Because there was very little free oxygen back then. The cooling Earth was off gassing mostly carbon dioxide (oxygen but locked on the carbon).

How did Bukowski die.

With his boots on, motherfucker.

Who was Schwarzenegger’s first wife?

Jane Wyman. Well, same thing.

Why Americans are better?

In the old days, when this was often true, it was because America was the only country in the world which promoted success through the simple art of refusing to reward failure.

It’s not true anymore, so don’t worry about it.

How did Thomas Paine die?

Like all successful political essayists, he died in illness, poor, ostracized, and despised.

Sigh.

Volume 1, Volume 2, and Volume 3 long for your awkward caress.

Volume 3 below. Here is Volume 2 and Volume 1.

Do not use vinegar and baking soda.

Some have to learn the hard way that a proper douche is vinegar and water.

Do you know what really happened?

Yes I do. We all do. We agreed not to talk about it with you.

How to masturbate with house items.

Before you begin rifling through the utensils don’t forget that medical records, including X-rays of foreign objects lodged in various cavities, often end up on the Internet.

How many states are there in the US?

47. Counting Puerto Rico, 48. Counting Hawaii and Alaska too, 50. Oh, and Texas is of some historical importance, so 51 for bar bets.

Do you need a rubber when a hooker gives you head?

Finally! a practical question. The answer is yes. It’s 3rd on the list of what you need.

How much blood?

No thanks. I’m stuffed.

How to make children with anal sex.

Yep, teaching abstinence is paying off.

How to propose anal sex.

Jam a cucumber up your ass. Rub yourself raw with it. Write a poem about how great it feels. Give the poem to your significant other over a candlelit dinner.

Why are men better at everything?

Do you want to rephrase to include “excepting humility” or “especially arrogance?”

Do it yourself pond.

You have to buy me dinner first.

Do cocaine addicts spend time alone?

Just the male ones.

Why be embarrassed?

Excellent advice. Why indeed? I feel much better.

Why can it be so difficult for people to do what is right?

No one likes being lonely.

Why Canada airport prefix start with “Y”?

They do?! Yes, they do seem to. Moncton-YQM and all. Actually a good reason. In the 1950s when airport codes were the thing, they wanted a way to keep them short and show they were all of a cloth. Y wasn’t getting much use. Ta.

How did humans evolve from monkeys?

We didn’t. It’s ignorant jumps like that that give leverage to skepticism about evolution. We evolved from Homo Erectus. Probably Homo Habilis begat Homo Erectus begat Homo Sapiens Sapiens—us, mostly. Once you go back more than 5 million years our ancestors start to look more like chimps. That far back though you wouldn’t recognize most animals, let alone humans, as their current descendants. America was crawling with 20 foot tall sloths. Horses were barely 4 feet high. Sharks had jaws 8 feet wide. Elephants were covered in fur.

For the love of the Hello Kitty vibrator, please take a science course. And if you must make jumps, you can remember that we’re in the phylum chordata—we evolved from worms.

Why change sugar water hummingbird?

Because lots of single celled animals also like sugar water and they don’t like being ingested by hummingbirds. Why don’t you leave a plate of jelly on your refrigerator for two weeks and see if it agrees with you.

Why did JFK get killed?

Because at least one person hated him. And maybe because up until the moment he was killed about 100 million Americans thought he was the worst President since Andrew Johnson. Being killed, or even shot, is huge for popularity. We recommend it for any President with flagging approval polls. Hey, everyone dies someday, why not go down in the history books as a great president instead of the chimp who took us back to the ’50s? Oh, but I kid!

Why gullible was removed from dictionary?

Oh, you’re beautiful. I hope you didn’t ask a friend first. They say there are no stupid questions but that’s only when you ask Google.

Why have a pen name?

Say for example you write things which others will want to kill you for. Or there’s this.

Why is killing someone wrong?

It’s not. Killing someone innocent is wrong. It’s wrong b/c if it’s right, we have a problem that only gobs of murder and a few centuries of it is going to sort out.

Why is my boss such an asshole?

Don’t worry about why, just start documenting it. Save email, write down times and dates of inappropriate behavior or language, and when you’ve got enough, go get a lawyer and hang that fucker’s balls from the highest oak. Don’t feel too bad about reaming the company either. They made him a boss.

Why is public transport undependable?

Compared to my carpool it’s the Swiss rail system… hmmm.

Why Java will always be slower than C?

Because it’s interpreted, it’s higher level so it’s full of checks and tests to make sure it’s working right, and it’s all flash and no heat, you fad following monkey.

Why we are better off with the test tube baby?

Who is we? If you mean “the human race” then we are not. If you mean the semi-fertile parents who are desperate to have children of their own, they might be better off. Though we’d all be better off, them included, if they’d reconsider adoption. It helps a child find a loving family and it keeps their broken seed out of the gene pool.

Why women are nymphomaniac?

Because in a chauvinist society a rose by any other name doesn’t sound as sweet.

Why won’t Perl write to Excel?

It will.

Why would I do the right thing?

If you can ask that, you wouldn’t. That’s why you are going to die alone, used up, and unsure if anything you ever did mattered to you or anyone else.

What is the most commonly used letter in the English alphabet?

Silly! They all get used once in the alphabet.

What the Ku Klux Klan wore.

Skirts, lipstick, pearls, and high heels. That’s what the hoods and gowns were covering.

How to convince suck dick.

The answer to this is probably found in another query: how to clean house. And again, quit being such an asshole. Considerate guys have to constantly refuse blow jobs just to get some writing done.

How to draw Daria.

Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha. Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.

How to fuck a horse.

One word comes to mind: carefully. Oh, and: secretly.

How to fuck off.

For the ESL crowd–fuck off is only an expression. It means please quit talking and leave me alone. But without the “please.”

Do we need a strong presidency?

We have a strong presidency. And we have had too many strong presidents. Strong arm. Strong opinion. Strong ethnocentrism. Strong ignorance. Strong connections with dangerous and hopelessly corrupt industries. What we need is an honest presidency and the legislation and judicial precedent to enforce it remain so.

How to write an interesting bio of yourself.

Focus on specific and strange events in your life and not on your opinions of what God has meant in your life. “L.”

How to write with a fountain pen.

Carefully and consistently in a single style. Those things break like Italian motorcycles if you mix cursive and print. And the Cross company starts to complain and threaten to cut off service on their “lifetime guarantee” after the third repair.

How to horse tire swing.

It’s completely unsafe to put a horse in a tire swing or to let them play around the pool.

How to rebuke the Devil.

Try this: Bad Devil! No! Sit!

How to say congratulations to ex-girlfriend.

Better idea: how to stay out of her life.

How to seduce a stripper.

Think Columbia. Think Jackson. Stay on that train of thought as long as you can get advances against your paycheck.

How to sodomy.

You know how to whistle, don’t you?

How to spot the Anti-Christ?

According to Revelation, it should be trivial. He’s got 7 heads, 10 horns with crowns, can heal himself, has leopard spots and bear feet, and he is friends with a Dragon and some other nasty customers.

How to start lying.

How to start isn’t the trick. It’s how to keep track of them all well enough to keep someone from knocking a few of your teeth down your throat.

How to study the Bible as a group.

1. Get a group of friends who are interested.
2. Prepare some nice healthy snacks.
3. Set up a comfortable seating arrangement.
4. Ask everyone to bring his or her own copy (best if it’s the same translation to avoid diversions) so it’s easier to read together.
5. Suspend reason.

How to suicide painlessly.

High caliber gunshot to the medulla oblongata. It will take off the top of your head and most of your face but since the brain is where the pain goes, there won’t be anything left to feel it. The bullet travels faster than the speed of sound—you won’t even hear the gun go off. There are some potentially painless drug/pill methods but they aren’t completely reliable. Please don’t kill yourself. I like you.

How to tell a Korean you like him.

Learn what Chu-sok is and who Tan-gun was. Never pour your own drink or let him pour his. Use two hands when handing things to anyone. Show his family as much respect as possible and pray they aren’t too traditional to let their son date a Yankee.

How to join the CIA.

They take applications. If you get an interview, score points by telling them it’s always been your dream to work with them and not that bunch of knuckle draggers over at the FBI.

How to kill someone by neck.

It’s quite easy. You don’t need a box-cutter, either. A pencil will do the trick. Even a reasonably strong blow from a hand or an airline tray or a tightly rolled-up magazine can crush the larynx. Choke hold works too but you’ve gotta be strong and expect at least 10 or more seconds of profound struggle. Piano string and two pieces of broom handle is easier and faster if you’re not a big person.

How to show her that you’re sorry.

Whatever you did, don’t do it again. Sorry means shit unless you mean it.

How to have the best possible sex with a fat person.

I have no idea. I sincerely hope you find your answer though.

Don’t forget that Volume 1 and Volume 2 died for your sins.

The hotly anticipated Volume 2. Phrases in bold below are taken from the Sedition·com weblogs. See the first 50 here.

How to be courteous.

Could start by learning some traffic laws. Things that are discourteous, like turning into the far lane, not signaling, tailgating, passing on the shoulder, or running red lights tend to also be illegal and fucking dangerous. If everyone had less road rage, we’d all be nicer to each other out of the cars too.

Why people think Bill Gates is the Anti-Christ.

One reason: the Bible specifically says that you will not be able to do business without bearing the mark of the Beast. While the Bible does not describe what the mark of the Beast will look like, we have obtained an image from one of the Dead Sea scrolls which may shed light on the matter.

Who is better than Bobby Fischer?

At what? Chess? Probably no one. At being a human being? Most any chimp in the show.

How much do freelance software developers charge?

Just enough to make it entirely more practical to put up with the hassle, time delay, and language problems that contracting New Delhi direct involves.

How much coffee is in espresso?

Espresso is coffee, you monkey.

Why white man is the Devil.

I can’t improve upon WB Yeats in this case.

The Great Day
Hurrah for revolution and more cannon-shot!
A beggar upon horseback lashes a beggar on foot.
Hurrah for revolution and cannon come again!
The beggars have changed places, but the lash goes on.

Why she should be with me.

Um… ’cause she likes guys who get their relationship cues via Google.

Why Starbucks is the Devil.

Well, they have made an ubiquitous 95¢ free-refills cup of coffee into a $3.50 international exercise in peppy snobbery. Can I get my card punched?

What’s a henweigh?

This question was asked 37 times. We presume by 37 different persons.

How to destroy America.

We already discussed it. Need more, eh? How about insisting that technology has made stealing a basic human right? That’s a good bit of erosion.

Why I fucked my dad.

I don’t get it. Are you looking for a support group or something? Maybe your dad is just extremely attractive. That’s why I fucked your dad.

Why is Ally McBeal so popular?

If I had a dollar for every time I asked the same question I could afford to run for President as an Independent.

Why is Ann Coulter such a cunt?

Because it’s her right to be. We live in a mostly free country—for as long as her advice is kept out of legislation anyway.

Why is Devil to blame?

Because you’re too weak and puny to possibly be responsible for anything yourself. It must be some big evil, invisible creature who is to blame.

Why the KKK burned crosses.

Because they are crypto-Satanists—Devil worshipers. Burning the cross is symbolic of destroying the sacrifice Christ made.

Why urine smells like coffee.

’Cause you drank too much coffee and your kidneys gave up even trying to deal with it. Don’t be scared. The pain and hassle of dialysis is overblown.

Why was the nuclear bomb created.

The same 2 reasons all terrible things are done: we can and we’re afraid someone else will.

How to beat Bobby Fischer.

I’ll say… tie one ankle to the wall and use a rattan cane to make sure he’s conscious for every moment of it.

How to buy a mail order bride.

Just pick your flavor—Eastern Caucasian or Asian—and hit Google. They’re much cheaper than self-respect; see also mail order bride for an outline of the process.

Who is the best guitar player in world?

Not me, alas. Thanks for pointing it out. It may be Paco DeLucia.

Who is a nymphomaniac?

Your mom. Your sister. Your daughter. Even your grandmother’ll lay down more often than not. So take your pick. The rest of us do.

Who is a revivalist?

Anyone trying to take responsibility for him or herself.

Who is Ayn Rind?

I like it better, actually. Sort of rhymes.

Who is Bambi Francisco?

A search engine click-through bonanza.

Why are bat houses used?

So bats have a place to hang their hats.

Why are bees attracted to yellow flowers?

Bees see in ultraviolet for flower identification so yellow is probably irrelevant to them.

Who is Brady of Brady Law?

James Brady. He survived a gunshot in the head from John Hinckley Jr while standing next to Ronald Reagan. He suffered brain damage and the first word he said when he regained consciousness was, “Raccoon,” a nickname for his wife.

His loving but misguided wife took the initiative to try to beat the Bill of Rights down a bit, Chapter 2 in this case. It’s worth noting that though the New York Times itself published lies that helped murder several million men, women, and children in the Ukraine, you can still use Chapter 1 of the Bill of the Rights without a license or a background check. Guess no one in the Ukraine had rich kin.

Who is Chelsea Clinton?

The miracle that allowed Amy Carter to look like a supermodel in comparison.

Who is my friend online?

Absolutely no one who has ever said the following to you: “sex/age?”

How many people died in car wrecks every year?

Varies, but I’ll tell you this, it’s almost 4 times as many as die in gun deaths (you also wanted to know about that). Yep, that’s right. Cars are 4 times deadlier than guns. You really want to cut out a piece of the Constitution? How about taking the bus every day for the rest of your life instead, you ignoramus? It would save more lives. Oh, but it would be inconvenient. Rats. Well, as long as it’s convenient, what’s 40,000 more dead Americans every year.

How to be a black person.

Ummmm… be born with the chromosomes to produce more melanin than Whitey. Or move to Alabama or Louisiana where even one black ancestor makes you full-blooded.

How to build a butterfly pavilion.

Study the work of Frank Gehry.

How to make a nuclear bomb.

It requires quite a bit of education, incredibly hazardous materials, and mechanical skill besides. Add about one or two billion dollars of capital and you’re in business. I don’t know why you’d bother when you could just grind up castor beans for a few dollars and dump the powder in the reservoir.

How to make someone think you’re suicidal.

I’ve got a better one: How to use a web anonymizer so you can’t be tracked down and beaten into 1929 for asking revolting questions.

How to speak the Devil’s tongue.

Lesson one. Repeat after me: See Spot run. What? Oh, silly me, you already speak English.

How to steal DVDs.

Line your pocket or jacket with aluminum foil to block the security tag from being scanned on the way out the door. But stealing is wrong so please only steal those DVDs which were directed by David Lynch. The extra “sales” will make him feel better until he gets the 2038 Lifetime-Thanks-for-Trying Academy Award®.

Who is John Galt?

Not you.

Who is the best role model?

There are only one or two that really matter. The parents. If they don’t get it right, you might as well tie an anvil on the kid’s head for how hard it’ll be for him to make anything out of himself or be happy.

Why Muslim women do not wear swimsuits.

Maybe Muslim men respect women so much that they refuse to exploit them as the Satanic West does for their mere physical form. Or maybe Muslim men are all gay.

How the Bible is antiwoman.

Jesus, just read the fucking thing already. You can start with asking why Noah’s wife didn’t even have a name. And aren’t you curious that there were no female Apostles? There are only two roles women played in Jesus’ life: sexless mother and bone addict whore.

Why do you deserve independence?

Because it’s easier to cede it to me than to pay the diluvian bills trying to keep it from me would precipitate. And primarily, perhaps, because I refuse to take it away from anyone else.

Why do you think kids talk in classes?

Because you’re a bad teacher.

Why do you think one teacher is better and more enjoyable than another?

Because some people are just naturally entertaining and some who aren’t try harder.

How many people died of smoking last year?

Almost 140 times more than died on September 11th, 2001. And that many will die this year. And the next. And the next. But by all means, let’s bankrupt our country and give carte blanche to the same cats at the FBI who killed 25 kids at Waco so that we can prevent another foreign sponsored terrorist act this century.

How do I buttfuck Bill Gates?

Ask nicely. You never know for sure till you ask.

Why telling kids about Santa is wrong.

Because children need to know what to expect from the world and their parents. From the world: hidden movers who bring joy in the form of free things. From their parents: lies.

Why My Lai was bad.

Besides the murder and rape of 300-500 innocent civilians, you mean?

Well, specifically because none of the US soldiers involved got the death penalty. That is to say none of the soldiers involved got any penalty except William Calley whom Nixon let off the hook. He lives in Columbus, Georgia today. You should look him up if you have the time and saliva.

Why procrastinate?

Because if I’d put off this one till tomorrow, I might have had time to think of a funny reply.

Why sedition is bad.

Hey, I know I have off days, but that’s not very nice.

Volume 1 is available for your valued consideration.

Many visitors end up here looking for information that’s not normally to be found. We’ve taken many of the questions that have gone unanswered and are addressing them as part of our court appointed 250 hours of community service. 248 to go.

Every phrase in bold below was taken from the Sedition·com weblogs and is what someone entered into a search engine to get here. It was fun going through 200,000 queries. Now enjoy the benefit of your neighbors’ boundless curiosity.

How to get majenta color.

One might begin by learning to get magenta spelling. Then <b style=“color:magenta”>this</b> should suffice.

I worship the Devil.

Then make a donation, you lazy slob.

How long will the American soldiers stay without sex and alcohol in Iraq?

That’s cute! I’ll say, “One duty shift.”

How do people see me?

For quite a few of us it’s through the hidden video camera your ex installed in your bathroom. I have to say it’s not worth the $12.⁹⁵/month though.

Why American are so apolitical.

I’d rather not get into this right now, my stories are on.

Why Pakistan hated?

Why verb missing?

How do you prevent snakes from entering your backyard fish pond?

Try a pond heater and a few of these shiny little bad boys:

How to convert an Excel file to text file using Perl.

use Spreadsheet::ParseExcel;
my $file = shift || die "Give me an Excel file!\n";
-e $file and -r _ or
    die "Must provide valid Excel file! $file, $!\n";
my $excel_obj = Spreadsheet::ParseExcel->new();
my $workbook = $excel_obj->Parse($file);
die "Workbook did not return worksheets!\n"
    unless ref $workbook->{Worksheet} eq 'ARRAY';
for my $worksheet ( @{$workbook->{Worksheet}} ) {
    for my $row ( 0 .. $worksheet->{MaxRow} ) {
        for my $col ( 0 .. $worksheet->{MaxCol} ) {
            my $cell = $worksheet->{Cells}[$row][$col];
            print ref $cell ? $cell->Value : '';
            print "\t" unless $col == $worksheet->{MaxCol};
        }
        print "\n"; # record ends
    }
    print "\n"; # worksheet ends
}

Who said Thomas Jefferson still survives?

A very near death John Adams. The reason the quote pops up so much is the irony and coincidence. In the pre-telegraph-telephone era Adams didn’t know that Jefferson had died a few hours earlier. Adams promptly followed his longtime political foil and friend. The day was July 4th, 1826, the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.

Who the coined term axis?

It’s not a term, it’s a word; from Latin and maybe Sanskrit originally. Buy a dictionary.

How stupid are the Iraqis?

Stupid enough to think that America was their friend when we helped Saddam Hussein take power. Stupid enough to think America might be their friend when we removed Saddam Hussein from power. Stupid enough to be American, I reckon.

How to deal with the Devil to change sex.

The only devil you’ll want to deal with in this case is a surgeon from the US or Scandinavia. Though the operation is quite affordable nowadays, your soul probably won’t cover this particular bill.

How to make pecker bigger.

Stop smoking. No lie.

What to do in Albuquerque.

Die poor—statistically it’s quite likely to be at the hands of your kin.

How old is the Devil?

That’s a rather personal question.

How Prozac is manufactured.

With the blood of tortured baby animals. The pain they suffer raises levels of blood chemicals to combat the misery they’re in which renders the pills able to prevent it in others.

How should I fuck her the first time?

How about, like you were familiar with the expression, “make love.”

How should we change the American presidency?

Thank you for asking. A Constitutional Amendment to make impeachment the purview of the least represented party in the Congress (probably Independent and soon to be Libertarian, no doubt) and make impeachment hearings mandatory for any crime, misdemeanor or felony. National election of Supreme Court Justices by vote of non-partisan judges and a 12 year limit of service might be good while we’re fixing things.

How do we know this is the year 2003?

We don’t and the calendar probably is off by about 4 years. Welcome to Biblical scholarship.

How do you know if you have a high IQ?

You figure things out before most everyone around you. Like whether or not you have a high IQ. Bzzzzzzzzzzt!

How do you masturbate?

Masturbating is evil. Remember, every time you touch yourself, God kills a kitten.

How do you say “I don’t know” in French?

Je ne sais pas. Another useful phrase is, Je me rends.

How does bills of birds allow them to live in a diverse environment?

It doesn’t. Evolution is a lie!

How ghosts talk to you.

Liiiiiiiiiiikkkke thIIIIIIIIIIIIIsssssss.

How high should a bat house be?

At least 15 feet for best results.

How many cups of coffee are too much?

When the you can’t hold the cup steady enough to drink it without spilling. The cup before it was too much. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’ve never in your life had too much coffee and the rest of us would appreciate you exaggerating a bit less in life.

How many deaths there were on September 11th.

5,000. Terrorists got just around 3,000. Smoking, cars, home accidents, bad diets, overdoses, and violent crime got the rest.

How do I fuck my mom?

With your eyes closed and nose plugged.

Wow. That even surprised me. And I’m sober, Neil.

How do I know I’m not the Anti-Christ?

In part, because you’re too timid and the things you hate are too human.

How naturally to clean ovens.

Change the zoning laws to allow bodegas in upper class neighborhoods.

How to beat a paternity test.

Quit being such an asshole and use a condom. Better yet, double bag it. No sense risking any copies of you making it into the world.

But seriously. Right before you have to go to the doctor’s office to give the DNA sample, soak your pecker in Clorox™. Works every time.

Who will watch the watchmen?

Ah, tricky, a recursive riddle… Let’s see. No one.

It’s okay. In 25 years all the terrible things they’re doing today will be public knowledge and everyone will have a good laugh about how corrupt the government used to be.

Who gave chlamydia to me?

If you have to ask, you’re fucking too many people.

Man who has 200 IQ.

Not me, alas. But thank you for reminding me.

Why is a beer better than a black man?

It’s not, you racist retard. Unless the beer is the difficult to obtain San Miguel Dark and the black man is the all too easily found Louis Farrakhan, then the reasons become obvious.

Why KKK wears hoods?

Are you serious? Because they are cowards.

Boyfriend who stalks.

I’m sorry—is that a question or were you trying to get back in touch with me.

Who was the Devil’s father?

A country doctor born in a mountain convent.

Who was the monkey fucker?

I think we should let bygones be bygones.

Who would be stupid enough to vote for Bush?

Anyone not stupid enough to vote for one of the other sacks of used cat litter put up every 4 years.

Why do I like Ayn Rand?

Those gams!

Why does my urine smell like fruit?

Seriously? Um, if you’re overweight, and the odor is consistent, it sounds like type 2 diabetes (I’m not a doctor but I did score 100% on an online autopsy diagnosis test for medical students). See your real doctor. Might ask to see his or her license too. You never know.

Why does swimming pool hose attract leaves?

Nuclear forces, my man, nuclear forces.

Why do people wish?

Because they are or believe themselves powerless and don’t know any better.

Why do you Americans always stay where you’re not wanted?

Answer #1: Oh, tut-tut. We only stay until it would be painful for us to go. Then we go. No, Somalia, we won’t be coming back.

Answer #2: Why do you émigrés and foreign students trash one of the only places that will take you in and treat you with respect regardless of how backward, filthy, and misogynistic your home country is?

Who is a Jew?

I don’t think I like your tone and I don’t have to answer that.

Who is the better kisser Mary-Kate or Ashley?

Ashley. Easily. Actually no one with a hyphenated name kisses worth a damn.

With 200,000 records to paw through, look for more, same bat time, same bat house.

1. Do you know the age of consent in your state? If so, why do you know that?

2. Have you read the entire Bible? Do you think those awful, lying, hypocritical sinners who haven’t should be legally barred from talking about God and thrown out of their churches?

3. Do you deserve to live? If so, how do you intend to prove it?

4. How many registered sex offenders are there in your town? Look-up lists here. Are you one of them? Remember it’s a felony in most states to lie about it!

5. If you could have killed Hitler in 1938, would you have? Since we don’t have time machines, if you were convinced there was someone as bad today, would you make Flash movies about it or just whine it up in your blog?

Do you think cultivating a reputation as a child molester would keep kids out of my backyard?

12) The banner graphic. Regular visitors don’t need 18% of the page space taken up by “MY NAME IS MUDD” or whatever clever bit sums you up as a person. They’d rather have the room to read. And one-time visitors don’t need what is essentially a botched banner ad to sell them on a site they’ll never visit again; like this one—a surfeit of illusion is not among my personal flaws.

Try something smaller. For template system designers, make sure it’s an option—maybe make it the default. Taking up so much room for no reason is proof that your site is more about your banal vanity than you having anything worthwhile to say.

11) Bad opinions. I am a fan of opinions wherever original thought lurks behind them. No one is a fan of the political opinions of a 22-year-old who doesn’t know who was President before Clinton, that we have an electoral college, and that both parties live off of corporate quid pro quo and filthy Political Action Committee money. Every writing guide in the world will tell you this too gently: Don’t write about something you don’t know shit about because it makes you look like a moron.

10) Cognitive dissonance. If you find the terms “paradox” and “contradiction” creeping into your own self-analysis, take a clue from it. This is not what “balanced” means as a personality trait.

9) Proofing you’re grammer spelling. I know “its” and “their” and “comprise” and such are not always automatically typed correctly or used where they belong. Make an effort. It makes you look smart. Wouldn’t that be nice!

8) Lack of organization. If your thoughts are serious, treat them so with headlines, bold text, spelt out acronyms, abbreviated sections, cross-links and so on for the serious reader. Don’t make your pages hard to read or hard to find. If on the other hand your thoughts are random bits of upchuck meant for overly forgiving friends, spew away.

7) Wishy-washy hyperbole. If your writing is full of “in my opinion,” “probably,” “it seems to me,” and “it just might turn out,” then you are clearly unconvinced of your own ideas. Don’t waste everyone else’s time with your stream of consciousness angst. If you mean what you say, speak up—if not, shut up till you work it out. Even if you’re wrong, speaking with conviction is a better read.

If you are always writing things like the world has never been worse off or that Bush is destroying America, it’s hyperbole and you’re either deluded or melodramatic. Learn some history if you want to be taken seriously. Eg, we have had 20 or so terrible presidents who were unable to destroy America—odds are we can survive one more. Any wins you score with histrionics won’t last.

6) Identical designs on 32,527 sites. I know you’re not an HTML wiz, but all of those lovely templating and publishing systems come with settings. Try them out. You could also spend a day learning CSS (Cascading Style Sheets) instead of writing about your roommate’s cat. Again.

When you do experiment, for the love of myopia don’t add another gray page with gray fonts to the dung heap. Do you want your site to be read? Make it easy to read.

5) Comments. I didn’t come to your site to see how many friends you have who don’t know what a spellchecker is. The percentage of comments worth reading is a generous 4%. So if I suffer through 24 “Don’t you know Jesus died for you, asshole” and “That’s a good one, let me bore you for 8 paragraphs with how I would’ve done it,” I might get to one comment worth reading. I wish the best commentators would just write it in their own journals instead so I can read good writing that isn’t flecked with chatroom excreta.

4) Lack of documentation. Don’t make points that require or quote evidence without the proper citations. No one knows if you’re correct or lying or deluded.

I know I’m guilty of this but it’s because I won’t lie, I’m usually right, and when I’m wrong I admit it because that’s all it takes to be right again—I am perhaps too willing to believe that you will accept that there is an element called Hydrogen without posting 4 links to scientific experiments you can do at home to prove it for yourself.

3) Frequency over quality. No one needs to be told it’s Christmas or that you’re on vacation or that the bar was smoky. And while we’re at it, if you need an icon to show what mood you’re in, your writing might not be ready to share with the world.

If you’re posting something “just to post” something, think it over. The chalkboard doesn’t get more fun to read just because it has more marks on it. It only gets harder to find the good bits.

2) Repetitious redundancy. If it’s been linked at 100 other sites and discussed by writers you know have better points to make than you do, don’t clog up Google’s caches with one more page saying, “Look what I just read on the Drudge Report along with 2 million other people today.”

1) The term blog. Besides sounding stupid, it’s innaccurate.

It’s short for weblog. The weblog is the log that your webserver keeps, not the one a writer does. In English those are called journals. This is what a real blog reads like:

80.58.50.44 - - [08/Feb/2004:02:08:49 -0700] “GET /ddx/ddx.xml HTTP/1.1” 304 - “-” “NetNewsWire/1.0.8 (Mac OS X; http://ranchero.com/netnewswire/)” sedition.com
66.196.93.23 - - [08/Feb/2004:02:09:46 -0700] “GET /search.cgi?mode=home&_x=_m&name=Live+in+Paris&asin=B00006J9OT HTTP/1.0” 200 29745 “-” “YahooSeeker/1.0 (compatible; Mozilla 4.0; MSIE 5.5; http://help.yahoo.com/help/us/shop/merchant/)” sage.sedition.com

I’m willing to admit the fight is over, and my team lost. The word is vernacular. I’ll never like it though.

“Where are you going?”

“To the bathroom. I’ve really gotta drop a blog.”