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Final Report and Tabulation of Drinking Data

8 December 2006


New ability Lost ability Driving Idea that
makes sense
Who is sexually attractive
sober n/a. n/a. Nearly perfect. Working harder on getting some writing done. Beyoncé Knowles.
1 drink Accurately and successfully gauge and ride the dinner table’s tolerance for dirty innuendo. 25% less resistance to loss of temper. Severely impaired due to terror that I’m too drunk to be driving. Cutting a salami in Calvin’s hands with a Japanese sword. Scarlett Johansson.
2 drinks Play pool well enough to shark downtown. 75% less resistance to loss of temper. Nearly perfect again. Having another baby. Angelina Jolie.
3 drinks Watch an entire Reese Witherspoon movie. No longer play pool well enough to beat any given Girl Scout. Flawless—no longer nervous, just carefully aware BAC is 2/3 legal limit. Going back to work at Amazon.com. Veronica Zemanova.
4 drinks Take a punch in the eye without flinching. The ability to say, “No,” to drink #5. Back to severely impaired due to suspicion that I’m within 10 minutes of still blowing a .08. Moving back to Taos, NM. Sally Field.
5-6 drinks Feel genuine affection for Christians. The ability to say, "No," to much of anything. Can still parallel park perfectly anyway. Looking up ex-girlfriends. Courtney Love.
7-9 drinks Offend based on race, religion, lack of fidelty or IQ, and vaginal hygeine simultaneously. The ability to not say something offensive. Safe at 15mph on country roads. Firing my pistol to practice catching the ejected shells. Roseanne.
10-12 drinks The ability to eat anything—from ethnic Albanian cuisine to a spider web covered piece of licorice someone jammed into a lightpost on the UC Berkeley campus. The ability to keep my hands—fists or otherwise—to myself. Can sleep the icy morning of January first away in the backseat. Starting a fight with a cop. Chelsea Clinton.
13+ drinks Happily forget most of the evening that ended somewhere just south of 20 drinks. Excepting locomotion via a paced shamble, it’s pretty much all gone now. Getting all the way in the car to sleep seems like a lot of effort when this curb is already right here. Stabbing myself to see how much it really hurts. Harry Knowles.
New ability Lost ability Driving Idea that
makes sense
Who is sexually attractive

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