50 queries from the weblog addressed, Vol. 1

02/25/2004 Many visitors end up here looking for information that’s not normally to be found. We’ve taken many of the questions that have gone unanswered and are addressing them as part of our court appointed 250 hours of community service. 248 to go.

Every phrase in bold below was taken from the Sedition·com weblogs and is what someone entered into a search engine to get here. It was fun going through 200,000 queries. Now enjoy the benefit of your neighbors’ boundless curiosity.

How to get majenta color.

One might begin by learning to get magenta spelling. Then <b style=“color:magenta”>this</b> should suffice.

I worship the Devil.

Then make a donation, you lazy slob.

How long will the American soldiers stay without sex and alcohol in Iraq?

That’s cute! I’ll say, “One duty shift.”

How do people see me?

For quite a few of us it’s through the hidden video camera your ex installed in your bathroom. I have to say it’s not worth the $12.⁹⁵/month though.

Why American are so apolitical.

I’d rather not get into this right now, my stories are on.

Why Pakistan hated?

Why verb missing?

How do you prevent snakes from entering your backyard fish pond?

Try a pond heater and a few of these shiny little bad boys:

How to convert an Excel file to text file using Perl.

use Spreadsheet::ParseExcel;
my $file = shift || die "Give me an Excel file!\n";
-e $file and -r _ or
    die "Must provide valid Excel file! $file, $!\n";
my $excel_obj = Spreadsheet::ParseExcel->new();
my $workbook = $excel_obj->Parse($file);
die "Workbook did not return worksheets!\n"
    unless ref $workbook->{Worksheet} eq 'ARRAY';
for my $worksheet ( @{$workbook->{Worksheet}} ) {
    for my $row ( 0 .. $worksheet->{MaxRow} ) {
        for my $col ( 0 .. $worksheet->{MaxCol} ) {
            my $cell = $worksheet->{Cells}[$row][$col];
            print ref $cell ? $cell->Value : '';
            print "\t" unless $col == $worksheet->{MaxCol};
        }
        print "\n"; # record ends
    }
    print "\n"; # worksheet ends
}

Who said Thomas Jefferson still survives?

A very near death John Adams. The reason the quote pops up so much is the irony and coincidence. In the pre-telegraph-telephone era Adams didn’t know that Jefferson had died a few hours earlier. Adams promptly followed his longtime political foil and friend. The day was July 4th, 1826, the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.

Who the coined term axis?

It’s not a term, it’s a word; from Latin and maybe Sanskrit originally. Buy a dictionary.

How stupid are the Iraqis?

Stupid enough to think that America was their friend when we helped Saddam Hussein take power. Stupid enough to think America might be their friend when we removed Saddam Hussein from power. Stupid enough to be American, I reckon.

How to deal with the Devil to change sex.

The only devil you’ll want to deal with in this case is a surgeon from the US or Scandinavia. Though the operation is quite affordable nowadays, your soul probably won’t cover this particular bill.

How to make pecker bigger.

Stop smoking. No lie.

What to do in Albuquerque.

Die poor—statistically it’s quite likely to be at the hands of your kin.

How old is the Devil?

That’s a rather personal question.

How Prozac is manufactured.

With the blood of tortured baby animals. The pain they suffer raises levels of blood chemicals to combat the misery they’re in which renders the pills able to prevent it in others.

How should I fuck her the first time?

How about, like you were familiar with the expression, “make love.”

How should we change the American presidency?

Thank you for asking. A Constitutional Amendment to make impeachment the purview of the least represented party in the Congress (probably Independent and soon to be Libertarian, no doubt) and make impeachment hearings mandatory for any crime, misdemeanor or felony. National election of Supreme Court Justices by vote of non-partisan judges and a 12 year limit of service might be good while we’re fixing things.

How do we know this is the year 2003?

We don’t and the calendar probably is off by about 4 years. Welcome to Biblical scholarship.

How do you know if you have a high IQ?

You figure things out before most everyone around you. Like whether or not you have a high IQ. Bzzzzzzzzzzt!

How do you masturbate?

Masturbating is evil. Remember, every time you touch yourself, God kills a kitten.

How do you say “I don’t know” in French?

Je ne sais pas. Another useful phrase is, Je me rends.

How does bills of birds allow them to live in a diverse environment?

It doesn’t. Evolution is a lie!

How ghosts talk to you.

Liiiiiiiiiiikkkke thIIIIIIIIIIIIIsssssss.

How high should a bat house be?

At least 15 feet for best results.

How many cups of coffee are too much?

When the you can’t hold the cup steady enough to drink it without spilling. The cup before it was too much. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’ve never in your life had too much coffee and the rest of us would appreciate you exaggerating a bit less in life.

How many deaths there were on September 11th.

5,000. Terrorists got just around 3,000. Smoking, cars, home accidents, bad diets, overdoses, and violent crime got the rest.

How do I fuck my mom?

With your eyes closed and nose plugged.

Wow. That even surprised me. And I’m sober, Neil.

How do I know I’m not the Anti-Christ?

In part, because you’re too timid and the things you hate are too human.

How naturally to clean ovens.

Change the zoning laws to allow bodegas in upper class neighborhoods.

How to beat a paternity test.

Quit being such an asshole and use a condom. Better yet, double bag it. No sense risking any copies of you making it into the world.

But seriously. Right before you have to go to the doctor’s office to give the DNA sample, soak your pecker in Clorox™. Works every time.

Who will watch the watchmen?

Ah, tricky, a recursive riddle… Let’s see. No one.

It’s okay. In 25 years all the terrible things they’re doing today will be public knowledge and everyone will have a good laugh about how corrupt the government used to be.

Who gave chlamydia to me?

If you have to ask, you’re fucking too many people.

Man who has 200 IQ.

Not me, alas. But thank you for reminding me.

Why is a beer better than a black man?

It’s not, you racist retard. Unless the beer is the difficult to obtain San Miguel Dark and the black man is the all too easily found Louis Farrakhan, then the reasons become obvious.

Why KKK wears hoods?

Are you serious? Because they are cowards.

Boyfriend who stalks.

I’m sorry—is that a question or were you trying to get back in touch with me.

Who was the Devil’s father?

A country doctor born in a mountain convent.

Who was the monkey fucker?

I think we should let bygones be bygones.

Who would be stupid enough to vote for Bush?

Anyone not stupid enough to vote for one of the other sacks of used cat litter put up every 4 years.

Why do I like Ayn Rand?

Those gams!

Why does my urine smell like fruit?

Seriously? Um, if you’re overweight, and the odor is consistent, it sounds like type 2 diabetes (I’m not a doctor but I did score 100% on an online autopsy diagnosis test for medical students). See your real doctor. Might ask to see his or her license too. You never know.

Why does swimming pool hose attract leaves?

Nuclear forces, my man, nuclear forces.

Why do people wish?

Because they are or believe themselves powerless and don’t know any better.

Why do you Americans always stay where you’re not wanted?

Answer #1: Oh, tut-tut. We only stay until it would be painful for us to go. Then we go. No, Somalia, we won’t be coming back.

Answer #2: Why do you émigrés and foreign students trash one of the only places that will take you in and treat you with respect regardless of how backward, filthy, and misogynistic your home country is?

Who is a Jew?

I don’t think I like your tone and I don’t have to answer that.

Who is the better kisser Mary-Kate or Ashley?

Ashley. Easily. Actually no one with a hyphenated name kisses worth a damn.

With 200,000 records to paw through, look for more, same bat time, same bat house.

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