- AA
- 1.
very nearly a towing company; that which will take a broken down car eight-twelfths of the way to the nearest mechanic.
- 2.
abrv, Anti-Agnostics.
- 3.
a support group which offers the replacement of a once pleasurable addiction for an utterly displeasurable network of security.
- aardvark
-
an audacious creature chiefly remarkable for its length of tongue, fondness for ants, and precociousness in lexicons.
- able
-
sober; e.g., “I might not be able to make it to the project meeting.”
- ably
-
adv, describing the way a thing is done when it is done for money.
- absolutly
-
in a manner fueled by a liter of vodka; e.g., “She loved him absolutly.”
- Academia
- 1.
an island just West of High School, due South of Meaningful.
- 2.
a disease rendering its victim incapable of completing a sentence without the use of several qualifying terms and ass-kissing references.
- academic
- 1.
one who acts snide while lending out or selling school property.
- 2.
that which teaches others how to act snide while lending or selling school property.
- accident
- 1.
a legal opportunity.
- 2.
God showing his displeasure with your choice of friends.
- 3.
the only word in the English language which has come to be used exclusively in a facetious or ironic sense; we propose a new grammatical rule for this word–that it exclusively appear in quotes.
- accidental
- 1.
any of the few success stories which have come from bands without the considerable financial backing of parents and foolhardy girlfriends.
- 2.
government usage, on purpose.
- acid
- 1.
any substance with a pH less than 7.
- 2.
the taste of your self-respect after Viagra, feminine deodorant spray, and myriad other modern staples of modern existence.
- acrimony
-
a stage of marriage—the typical progression being ceremony, matrimony, acrimony, alimony.
- act of God
-
a legal term denoting anything outside human action which is horrific or extremely destructive.
more at natural disaster.
- actor
-
one who makes a profession of doing what comes naturally—pretend at working.
see also scale.
- adage
-
the truth dilapidated.
compare with axiom.
- admiration
-
harassment.
- admissions counselor
- 1.
on college campuses, an exceptionally materialistic boob with his head stapled to a telephone.
- 2.
a whiney yet cut-throat salesman pitching for student aide money on other people’s credit.
- 3.
a vaguely academic leech whose job responsibilities become obscure the minute school is actually in session.
- Advent
-
an extended pre-Christmas holiday for the exploitations of family gift milkers and religious nut jobs.
- adventitious
- 1.
relating to a government conspiracy; a plot.
- 2.
anything to do with an ex-lover; pointless.
- advertiser
-
one who would rather spend money convincing you they do a good job than spend the same money doing that job well; a date-rapist.
- advertising
-
an expensive and revolutionary method by which companies improve your opinions.
- advertorial
- 1.
spurious; disingenuous; karmic.
- 2.
the dildo of literature—while in theory somewhat like the real organ, in practice a perpetually frustrating disappointment.
- advice
-
a crowbar for getting into someone’s life ass first.
- aesthetics
- 1.
before the 20th Century, the study of what was beautiful.
- 2.
post-20th Century, this word was broadened somewhat to include the study of what lengths of self-mockery an individual will go to in order to get a little grant money in his clutches.
- affirmative action
- 1.
any act which affirms that no human will ever receive equal treatment, as the second it becomes a possibility some learned individual discovers an elaborate rationalization to put racism back in its proper place: everyday life.
- 2.
a legal initiative to better race relations by offering improved employment or educational situations to minority races instead of to those who earned them.
- 3.
white man’s burden, epilog.
- 4.
racism vs. racism; only history can record which of these competing ideas will prove supreme.
- Africa
-
the only place in the world you’ll ever find a drum circle worth the cost of a beverage.
- aggression
- 1.
the single most significant catalyst behind all destructive forces on the planet.
- 2.
the single most attractive characteristic in men to the so-called gentler sex.
- Agnostic
- 1.
neurotic.
- 2.
one prone to severe and seemingly endless bouts of indecisiveness.
- 3.
one who goes against the Gnostics, a long vanished religious sect remarkable for their narrow loss to Christianity in the great Cosmic game of Slap-Jack.
- ain't
- 1.
an American English word in common usage for longer than there has been a United States of.
- 2.
legitimate contraction of the words “ai” and “not”; please use these words separately in at least three sentences before applying the contraction to your day to day vocabulary.
- 3.
a sound produced from birth out of the vocal formations of a strange and dangerous creature found in the Southern regions of the United States known as a Bubba.
- air conditioning
- 1.
a noble opponent of the evil “ozone layer” which hides us from the purifying heat of our nearest star and its cosmic cousins.
- 2.
a necessity whose very necessity increases the more it’s used, a la heroin, cocaine.
- Air Force
- 1.
a measurement of flatulence, where Velocity x Density = Air Force.
- 2.
the Bizarro branch of the American armed forces where status is denoted via tertiary skill with flying machines and manhood is represented by Village People style grooming.
- airplane
-
a vehicle which transports the constitutional rights of American citizens to the homes and golf courses of the corporate presidents and politicians these rights were intended for, by air.
- airport lounge
- 1.
an atmosphere conducive to meditation and reflection; a good place to plan and spend one’s time; an oasis.
- 2.
a dining room; a wide selection of healthy and somewhat-reasonably priced foods centrally located and pleasantly distributed.
- 3.
a bar or overpriced distillery, tainted with the mild stench of shoe polish and the harsh glare of upper-class smugness, but hey, what are you gonna do?
- 4.
an airport’s internal sleeping quarters; where to catch up on rest between flights; a hotel room without the beds, private bathrooms, dividing walls, or anyone to watch your bags if you nod off.
- 5.
the last thing anyone ever sees in his or her right mind.
- alcohol
-
a form of popular entertainment vastly less expensive than vacations, movies, theme parks, or even cable TV.
- alcoholic
- 1.
one not content to leave well enough alone.
- 2.
anyone who drinks more than you.
- 3.
one with a drinking problem excoriated by those with a problem not minding their own fucking business.
- alcoholism
- 1.
an involuntary disease caused by the similarly involuntary purchase and ingestion of alcohol.
- 2.
a condition which cynics claim is engaged in for the avoidance of life but which realists see as practical, asking, “If life is not worth avoiding, what is?”
- alien
- 1.
an English speaking, standard model human with big ears, an extra butt or extremities; a human.
- 2.
ET with a dildo.
- 3.
anyone from a country poorer than, say, Britain.
- 4.
an artist with a job.
- 5.
a musician at home.
- 6.
an actor in his own body.
- 7.
a child without medication.
- 8.
a teacher that cares to teach.
- 9.
as of the election of one 21st century American President, an American in any other country.
- alright
- 1.
colloquial contraction of the words “all” and “right,” meaning “correct in every sense,” or “never wrong.”
- 2.
what is said when one would rather go along with something undesirable than have a continued discussion about it [accent is placed on the second syllable in this case].
- altar boy
-
a powerful recruiting inducement for the priesthood, cited for swelling the army of the Holy See even over the free wine and crackers.
- alternative
- 1.
crummy.
- 2.
insubstantial themes watered down and passed off as cutting edge to poorly dressed, vaguely dissatisfied, yet consistently gullible consumers.
- 3.
homosexual; more at gay.
- 4.
the second part of an ultimatum; e.g., “Either you publish my book, or I’ll rob and decapitate you.”
- altruist
-
unselfish consideration for the welfare of others where it constitutes a tax benefit.
- Alzheimer's
-
a condition… of, um…
- Amazon
- 1.
a land where the work week is 55 hours, the accounting is close enough for government work, the vocal elucidation of hypocrisy earns an apple with a road map, and the options are just pretty enough to keep you chained and fairly quiet.
- 2.
a shaggy dog story five years in duration.
- ambiguity
-
the way to a word without really.
- ambiguous
-
a moron’s self-proclamation of large stature.
- America, the United States of
-
contradiction–in 50 flavors.
- American
- 1.
singular: consumer; plural: chattel.
- 2.
flag waver or alternately a flag burner, depending on the weather and fashion of the day.
- American Indian
- 1.
any of several indigenous races of the Americas characterized by superlative culture, serenity, and the refusal to disappear gracefully.
- 2.
a tear-jerker of 500 chapters.
- Amsterdam
-
a European city holding the ridiculous notion that the intoxicating yet relatively harmless substance, marijuana, should be a peaceful means of profit for the government and the community, rather than an excuse to spend billions of tax dollars on a futile war against its own people and constitution; the world’s own insane asylum.
- anal probe
- 1.
a mortgage.
- 2.
an income tax audit.
- 3.
sticking one’s nose deep into another person’s business.
- 4.
a date with Enrique Iglesias.
more at xenophobe.
- Anarchy
- 1.
the absence of government and, consequently, corruption.
- 2.
what became of family life the minute people realized men didn’t need to hunt and women were knitting for fun.
- 3.
chimp-rule; Rule of the Monkey; the pecking order without the filter of the justice system; your little dick in a sling when it turns out monkeys don’t get along well without the rule of law, you unwashed free-market bashing anti-intellectual windbag.
- 4.
something cute to say while shaking the President’s hand.
- anger
-
the state of being mad; madness.
- anger management
- 1.
anger management comes in a dizzying array of forms including, but in no way limited to: vodka, bourbon, bennies, black beauties, ’shrooms, Valium, quaaludes, the ribs of a puppy, et cetera.
- 2.
counting to 10 more rapidly than you can get to the bat behind the front door.
- anniversary
-
the great holiday of all species of alcoholic at which time no one meddles or is critical of flagrant drinking as either A) the day is too happy to spoil with arguments or B) it especially hurts today and it’s just his way of coping with it.
- Annunciation, the
-
the incredible event from which proceeds the expression, “Holy fuck.”
- anti-America
-
that which is against America–Canada and Mexico, specifically.
- anti-idiotarian
- 1.
one who persistently heaves clumsy word after word—none of which is to be found in any accredited English dictionary—at the wall that is one’s audience hoping for pieces to stick.
- 2.
one whose most solid arguments are devoid of sticks, or stones.
- Antichrist, the
- 1.
fearing for our lives, the editors decline to point out any Poles in pointy hats.
- 2.
Louis Farrakhan.
- AOL
- 1.
an ISP which is chiefly useful for losing tremendous amounts of data and denying even the most basic connections while charging the most premium of rates; proof that gross incompetence and popularity are not mutually exclusive.
- 2.
a missed keystroke, a typo of SOL.
- ape-shit
- 1.
the feces of an anthropoid simian.
- 2.
what caged primates sometimes sling at unsuspecting viewers; e.g., infomercials.
- aphrodisiac
- 1.
sensual subtleties made obsolete by that killer application known as Viagra.
- 2.
rural usage, the unmistakable scent and back-home comfort of raw wool.
- 3.
the sexual allure of black hair styles of the 1970s.
- Apocalypse, the
- 1.
The Big Event; Good Vs. Evil; Don King’s retirement plan.
- 2.
a religiously predicted series of events including dramatic appearances by all major cosmic forces, and a final “Judgement Day” which promises either eternal salvation, or infinite damnation, depending on your schedule.
- 3.
something you can afford to get all worked up about—as well as purchase bumper stickers relating to—if you’re making enough money to keep a car registered, insured, and running.
- Apocrypha
- 1.
the Bible your mother warned you about.
- 2.
the dozens of chapters of the inalterable word of God which man saw fit to abrogate.
- apology
-
a great lead in for the phrase, “But I only did it because you [fill in the blank].”
- apostate
- 1.
one who holds one’s own religion, politics, or cause with deep sincerity up to the point it induces any whiff of boredom.
- 2.
one who holds one’s own religion, politics, or cause as perfectly matched and completely satisfying until the moment the competition displays any increase in sex appeal.
- 3.
a born again sucker.
compare with Baptist.
- Arab
- 1.
a Semite of the Arabian peninsula and its surrounding areas.
- 2.
a sabre-bearing militant feminist on the desert lines in the war against sexism.
- 3.
a cutting edge activist for women’s rights whose guttural rhetoric challenges every nation to redefine sexual equality.
- argument
-
a fist-fight for cowards.
- Arizona
-
a state funded entirely by speeding tickets; a police state.
see also Phoenix.
- arrogance
-
the quality of exaggerating one’s importance or capability above one’s station or talents; e.g., Noah Webster’s inclusion of his own name upon a tome of knowledge entirely in the public domain was an act of sheer arrogance, especially in comparison to the anonymous title of the incomparable and world-changing dictionary before you.
- arsonist
-
British slang, a buggerer; an ass-rapist.
- artificial insemination
-
the transmission of something inside something else through unnatural means; e.g., a virtual magazine.
- artist
-
a philosopher who has taken a moral stand against work.
- Aryan
- 1.
a Roma Gypsy, Russian, Iranian, or Hindu.
- 2.
one whose blanched ancestry gains in significance in inverse proportion to the genealogical records available.
- 3.
one racially descended from Roma Gypsies, Russians, Iranians, or Hindus but whose familial IQ has faded in perfect tandem with skin tone; a “white” person not bright enough to gain admission to a history class at the local community college.
more at cracker.
- ASCII
-
the Turing complete alphabet of the Devil which can be used to spell any word written after 1 January 1970.
- Ashley
-
a boy’s name, though a contrary opinion is held accurate by many cretins.
- aspiration
- 1.
what gives one reason to rejoice in life in youth.
- 2.
what gives one reason to despair in life in old-age.
- asshole
- 1.
a physical feature of the hindquarters.
- 2.
a physical feature of the corner office.
- asshole
- 1.
one who says, “gale force winds,” in place of, “gale.”
- 2.
one who says, “informational purposes,” in place of, “information.”
- 3.
one who says, “actual usage,” in place of the noun, “use.”
- 4.
anyone who uses the word, “actual,” in any construction whatsoever.
- 5.
Picasso.
- assignation
-
a pompous and self-important word for tryst.
- assisted suicide
-
an NPA, National Physicians’ Association, statistic—in the highly competitive arena of professional medicine, career SAs, or Suicides Assisted are second only to Successful Billings in importance for measuring one’s success.
- astonishing
-
an overused word meaning, “notable.”
- atheist
-
one with an IQ exceeding 103.
- atrophy
-
the reward following upon a race well run—win, place, or show.
- Attention Deficit Disorder, ADD
-
a signed excuse slip from one’s doctor reading, in essence, “So-and-so was a little slow in grade-school. Better take it easy if you don’t want to be treated to the water-works.”
- attorney
- 1.
a professional switch hitter.
- 2.
the larval form of a politician.
- 3.
a well-dressed ass-rapist.
- 4.
a spaniel in a hospital parking lot.
- 5.
a whore who bills by the minute not the act.
compare with barrister.
- audience
-
what awaits at life’s most humiliating corners.
- audition
-
to paint a series of concentric circles in red on one’s ass.
- Australia
-
a nation populated by the descendants of deported criminals which has half the crime of the country that deported them.
- autism
- 1.
a very early retirement plan.
- 2.
an emotional disability often laced with a special talent, such as for irritating or attacking people.
- available
-
that state of being single, compare to emotionally available, which is the state of being soft and absorbent.
- average
- 1.
embarrassing; in need of cover up; C-.
- 2.
the amount of effort required to neither sink nor swim.
- 3.
the axiom from which we derive the corollary stereotype.
- AWOL
-
in the military, a sudden rush of sanity and wisdom; an awakening.
- axiom
-
the truth decapitated.
compare with adage.
- Axis of Evil
-
a term coined by a certain Western leader; its use was dropped as soon as the public noted that the “axis” was following him around wherever he went.
- Ayurvedic medicine
-
an unimaginably elaborate tapestry of soft-science and ancient literature, simply to justify the quite reasonable desire to drink pee.
|
Own the
original, The
Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary
Own
the original, The
Devil’s Dictionary (thrift edition)
