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Devil’s 
Dictionary X Daily Definitions XML
Devil’s Dictionary X™
The Devil’s Dictionary X now has 1,268 terms defined!
Original Devil’s Dictionary Own the original, The Devil’s Dictionary (thrift edition)
Newest definitions — The Devil’s Dictionary X™-----------------------
admissions counselor
1. on college campuses, an exceptionally materialistic boob with his head stapled to a telephone.
2. a vaguely academic leech whose job responsibilities become obscure the minute school is actually in session.
3. a whiney yet cut-throat salesman pitching for student aide money on other people’s credit.
Advent
an extended pre-Christmas holiday for the exploitations of family gift milkers and religious nut jobs.
adventitious
1. relating to a government conspiracy; a plot.
2. anything to do with an ex-lover; pointless.
advertiser
one who would rather spend money convincing you they do a good job than spend the same money doing that job well; a date-rapist.
advertising
an expensive and revolutionary method by which companies improve your opinions.
advertorial
1. the dildo of literature—while in theory somewhat like the real organ, in practice a perpetually frustrating disappointment.
2. spurious; disingenuous; karmic.
advice
a crowbar for getting into someone’s life ass first.
aesthetics
1. before the 20th Century, the study of what was beautiful.
2. post-20th Century, this word was broadened somewhat to include the study of what lengths of self-mockery an individual will go to in order to get a little grant money in his clutches.
affirmative action
1. any act which affirms that no human will ever receive equal treatment, as the second it becomes a possibility some learned individual discovers an elaborate rationalization to put racism back in its proper place: everyday life.
2. a legal initiative to better race relations by offering improved employment or educational situations to minority races instead of to those who earned them.
3. racism vs. racism; only history can record which of these competing ideas will prove supreme.
4. white man’s burden, epilog.
Africa
the only place in the world you’ll ever find a drum circle worth the cost of a beverage.
aggression
1. the single most significant catalyst behind all destructive forces on the planet.
2. the single most attractive characteristic in men to the so-called gentler sex.
Agnostic
1. neurotic.
2. one prone to severe and seemingly endless bouts of indecisiveness.
3. one who goes against the Gnostics, a long vanished religious sect remarkable for their narrow loss to Christianity in the great Cosmic game of Slap-Jack.
ain’t
1. an American English word in common usage for longer than there has been a United States of.
2. legitimate contraction of the words “ai” and “not;” please use these words separately in at least three sentences before applying the contraction to your day to day vocabulary.
3. a sound produced from birth out of the vocal formations of a strange and dangerous creature found in the Southern regions of the United States known as a Bubba.
air conditioning
1. a noble opponent of the evil “ozone layer” which hides us from the purifying heat of our nearest star and its cosmic cousins.
2. a necessity whose very necessity increases the more it’s used, a la heroin, cocaine.
Air Force
1. a measurement of flatulence, where Velocity x Density = Air Force.
2. the Bizarro branch of the American armed forces where status is denoted via tertiary skill with flying machines and manhood is represented by Village People style grooming.
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