 
- airplane
-
a vehicle which transports the constitutional rights of American citizens to the homes and golf courses of the corporate presidents and politicians these rights were intended for, by air.
- airport lounge
- 1.
an atmosphere conducive to meditation and reflection; a good place to plan and spend one’s time; an oasis.
- 2.
a dining room; a wide selection of healthy and somewhat-reasonably priced foods centrally located and pleasantly distributed.
- 3.
a bar or overpriced distillery, tainted with the mild stench of shoe polish and the harsh glare of upper-class smugness, but hey, what are you gonna do?
- 4.
an airport’s internal sleeping quarters; where to catch up on rest between flights; a hotel room without the beds, private bathrooms, dividing walls, or anyone to watch your bags if you nod off.
- 5.
the last thing anyone ever sees in his or her right mind.
- alcohol
-
a form of popular entertainment vastly less expensive than vacations, movies, theme parks, or even cable TV.
- alcoholic
- 1.
one not content to leave well enough alone.
- 2.
anyone who drinks more than you.
- 3.
one with a drinking problem excoriated by those with a problem not minding their own fucking business.
- alcoholism
- 1.
an involuntary disease caused by the similarly involuntary purchase and ingestion of alcohol.
- 2.
a condition which cynics claim is engaged in for the avoidance of life but which realists see as practical, asking, “If life is not worth avoiding, what is?”
- alien
- 1.
an English speaking, standard model human with big ears, an extra butt or extremities; a human.
- 2.
an artist with a job.
- 3.
ET with a dildo.
- 4.
anyone from a country poorer than, say, Britain.
- 5.
a teacher that cares to teach.
- 6.
a child without medication.
- 7.
an actor in his own body.
- 8.
as of the election of one 21st century American President, an American in any other country.
- 9.
a musician at home.
- alright
- 1.
colloquial contraction of the words “all” and “right,” meaning “correct in every sense,” or “never wrong.”
- 2.
what is said when one would rather go along with something undesirable than have a continued discussion about it [accent is placed on the second syllable in this case].
- altar boy
-
a powerful recruiting inducement for the priesthood, cited for swelling the army of the Holy See even over the free wine and crackers.
- alternative
- 1.
crummy.
- 2.
insubstantial themes watered down and passed off as cutting edge to poorly dressed, vaguely dissatisfied, yet consistently gullible consumers.
- 3.
homosexual; more at gay.
- 4.
the second part of an ultimatum; e.g., “Either you publish my book, or I’ll rob and decapitate you.”
- altruist
-
unselfish consideration for the welfare of others where it constitutes a tax benefit.
- Alzheimer's
-
a condition... of, um...
- Amazon
- 1.
a land where the work week is 55 hours, the accounting is close enough for government work, the vocal elucidation of hypocrisy earns an apple with a road map, and the options are just pretty enough to keep you chained and fairly quiet.
- 2.
a shaggy dog story five years in duration.
- ambiguity
-
the way to a word without really.
- ambiguous
-
a moron’s self-proclamation of large stature.
- America, the United States of
-
contradiction—in 50 flavors.
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