 
- Apocalypse, the
- 1.
The Big Event; Good Vs. Evil; Don King’s retirement plan.
- 2.
a religiously predicted series of events including dramatic appearances by all major cosmic forces, and a final “Judgement Day” which promises either eternal salvation, or infinite damnation, depending on your schedule.
- 3.
something you can afford to get all worked up about—as well as purchase bumper stickers relating to—if you’re making enough money to keep a car registered, insured, and running.
- Apocrypha
- 1.
the Bible your mother warned you about.
- 2.
the dozens of chapters of the inalterable word of God which man saw fit to abrogate.
- apology
-
a great lead in for the phrase, “But I only did it because you [fill in the blank].”
- apostate
- 1.
one who holds one’s own religion, politics, or cause with deep sincerity up to the point it induces any whiff of boredom.
- 2.
a born again sucker.
compare with Baptist.
- 3.
one who holds one’s own religion, politics, or cause as perfectly matched and completely satisfying until the moment the competition displays any increase in sex appeal.
- Arab
- 1.
a Semite of the Arabian peninsula and its surrounding areas.
- 2.
a sabre-bearing militant feminist on the desert lines in the war against sexism.
- 3.
a cutting edge activist for women’s rights whose guttural rhetoric challenges every nation to redefine sexual equality.
- argument
-
a fist-fight for cowards.
- Arizona
-
a state funded entirely by speeding tickets; a police state.
see also Phoenix.
- arrogance
-
the quality of exaggerating one’s importance or capability above one’s station or talents; e.g., Noah Webster’s inclusion of his own name upon a tome of knowledge entirely in the public domain was an act of sheer arrogance, especially in comparison to the anonymous title of the incomparable and world-changing dictionary before you.
- arsonist
-
British slang, a buggerer; an ass-rapist.
- artificial insemination
-
the transmission of something inside something else through unnatural means; e.g., a virtual magazine.
- artist
-
a philosopher who has taken a moral stand against work.
- Aryan
- 1.
a Roma Gypsy, Russian, Iranian, or Hindu.
- 2.
one racially descended from Roma Gypsies, Russians, Iranians, or Hindus but whose familial IQ has faded in perfect tandem with skin tone; a “white” person not bright enough to gain admission to a history class at the local community college.
more at cracker.
- 3.
one whose blanched ancestry gains in significance in inverse proportion to the genealogical records available.
- ASCII
-
the Turing complete alphabet of the Devil which can be used to spell any word written after 1 January 1970.
- Ashley
-
a boy’s name, though a contrary opinion is held accurate by many cretins.
- aspiration
- 1.
what gives one reason to rejoice in life in youth.
- 2.
what gives one reason to despair in life in old-age.
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