 
- baby
-
the generic term for the brand name Bundle of Joy™—the active ingredients of this product include: screams, green feces, and urine stained shirts; the inactive ingredient being, of course, joy.
- bachelor
- 1.
a man whose entire wardrobe hangs down the backrest of his one chair.
- 2.
one who, when forced to choose, will purchase an “oil can” of Foster’s beer over anything comparable in price.
- back
-
the physical feature by which your acquaintances can most readily recognize your mother.
- balanced
-
indifferent; happy.
- banker’s hours
-
10 a.m. to 4 p.m. with a longish lunch break, excepting major or postal holidays, feasts, and saints’ days—corresponding neatly with the French work calendar.
- baptism
-
a quick, pleasant dip in the church pool, with some long, dry consequences forthcoming; e.g., the sermon which follows.
- Baptist
-
a religion based on holding one’s breath until one gets what one wants; in this case, salvation.
- Barnaby
- 1.
a type of North American giant sloth which refuses to go extinct.
- 2.
a barricade used to prevent authors from publishing their work; similar in several respects to a girlfriend; vt, “It’s a good book but I think it’ll get Barnabied.”
- barrister
-
a gay attorney.
- Bartiromo, Maria
-
the woman who has the honor of having ushered several hundred billion dollars out the American door by way of attaching her sex appeal to a burning piece of tape.
- bastard
- 1.
a wit.
- 2.
anyone whose lineage is uncertain; i.e., anyone who has not undergone a paternity test.
- Beast, the
-
an unpleasant nickname for a particular lexicographer garnered during one sadly misplanned Christmas party.
- beat
- 1.
to correct.
- 2.
a debate term meaning to convince.
- 3.
in rap music, the drum rhythm, chords and melodies sampled from various performers and composers in order to mock them for bothering to learn anything about music.
- 4.
the melody which is set underneath the words of a song intended for air-play; formerly called the “Music.”
- Beatles, the
-
once the world’s most popular rock and roll band—although no longer bigger than Jesus the creator still shows an inordinate fondness for Beatles.
- beauty
- 1.
in women, an illusion; in men, an indication of homosexuality; in truth, a supreme lie.
- 2.
n, any fish that’s been caught; e.g., “Isn’t she a beauty!”
see also trophy bride.
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