- baby
-
the generic term for the brand name Bundle of Joy™—the active ingredients of this product include: screams, green feces, and urine stained shirts; the inactive ingredient being, of course, joy.
- bachelor
- 1.
a man whose entire wardrobe hangs down the backrest of his one chair.
- 2.
one who, when forced to choose, will purchase an “oil can” of Foster’s beer over anything comparable in price.
- back
-
the physical feature by which your acquaintances can most readily recognize your mother.
- balanced
-
indifferent; happy.
- banker's hours
-
10 a.m. to 4 p.m. with a longish lunch break, excepting major or postal holidays, feasts, and saints’ days—corresponding neatly with the French work calendar.
- baptism
-
a quick, pleasant dip in the church pool, with some long, dry consequences forthcoming; e.g., the sermon which follows.
- Baptist
-
a religion based on holding one’s breath until one gets what one wants; in this case, salvation.
- Barnaby
- 1.
a type of North American giant sloth which refuses to go extinct.
- 2.
a barricade used to prevent authors from publishing their work; similar in several respects to a girlfriend; vt, “It’s a good book but I think it’ll get Barnabied.”
- barrister
-
a gay attorney.
- Bartiromo, Maria
-
the woman who has the honor of having ushered several hundred billion dollars out the American door by way of attaching her sex appeal to a burning piece of tape.
- bastard
- 1.
a wit.
- 2.
anyone whose lineage is uncertain; i.e., anyone who has not undergone a paternity test.
- Beast, the
-
an unpleasant nickname for a particular lexicographer garnered during one sadly misplanned Christmas party.
- beat
- 1.
to correct.
- 2.
a debate term meaning to convince.
- 3.
in rap music, the drum rhythm, chords and melodies sampled from various performers and composers in order to mock them for bothering to learn anything about music.
- 4.
the melody which is set underneath the words of a song intended for air-play; formerly called the “Music.”
- Beatles, the
-
once the world’s most popular rock and roll band—although no longer bigger than Jesus the creator still shows an inordinate fondness for Beatles.
- beauty
- 1.
in women, an illusion; in men, an indication of homosexuality; in truth, a supreme lie.
- 2.
n, any fish that’s been caught; e.g., “Isn’t she a beauty!”
see also trophy bride.
- beaver
- 1.
a semi-aquatic rodent which must relentlessly exercise its jaw, as in the gnawing of trees, or die.
- 2.
an organ which requires equal diligence and usually tastes somewhat worse than a waterlogged wood eating rodent.
- because
- 1.
the snappy answer to all of life’s existential “Why?” questions.
- 2.
the standard defense case for upper-class criminals; also just because.
- beer goggles
- 1.
a visual apparatus for physical enhancement in the opposite sex.
- 2.
the stuff good weekends and difficult mornings are made of.
more at six pack.
- behavior
-
one’s reactions in response to another’s actions; Chinese handcuffs.
- behavior analysis
- 1.
a series of texts, insultingly redundant to both professionals and patients, which is widely accepted by psychologists over the world as a step by step method of getting mildly fucked-up people to break down and believe they’ve got to confess everything to someone just because he or she has got a framed certificate on a stuffy library wall.
- 2.
the belief that manipulative behavior is constructive, but only when mixed with enough patronizing repetition and sneeringly arrogant postures.
- 3.
not the belief that feelings don’t exist.
- 4.
not the belief that feelings don’t exist.
- 5.
not the belief.
- 6.
feelings don’t exist.
- 7.
whoah, what happened there?
- belief
- 1.
the convenience store of the soul.
- 2.
conviction of truth in a supposition, especially the wild imaginings of prominent historical religious lunatics.
more at faith, suppository, and religion.
- bender
-
twenty minutes of beautiful and fanciful memories remaining from 9 days worth of hard core consumption of alcohol.
- Bible
- 1.
Greek for “Book.”
- 2.
when used with the definite article, “Bible” refers to a specific book of two main divisions, the first of which prescribes and codifies, at great length, the death penalty for such heinous offenses as working on the weekend and not seeking a rabbi’s approval to have a hamburger, and the second part prescribes love for everyone but queers and prostitutes and their children.
- bibliophile
-
one who can only be sexually aroused by books; antonym, bookworm.
- bicycle
-
a method of transport derived from a geometric theory that the closest distance between two points is pain.
- biker
- 1.
white, filthy rich, income in the 6 to 7 figure range; driving a BMW, a Ducati, or a rebuilt Triumph.
- 2.
white, just filthy, income in the petty crack to meth dealer range; driving a Harley, a Harley, or some piece of crap Honda that looks like a Harley.
see also motorcycle cop.
- birthday
-
an annual 24-hour chink in one’s cynicism, during which a few quick jabs of disappointment can inflict wounds that fester for a lifetime.
see also anniversary, Christmas, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, and so forth.
- bisexual
- 1.
one who will try anything twice.
- 2.
a convenient label for a grand, lifelong fear of commitment.
- 3.
a hallpass in the Great Colosseum of Sexuality, which not only serves to get one into any room one chooses, but has somehow come to be worth a couple of sympathy points along the way.
- bitch
- 1.
any woman who is all business.
- 2.
a former girlfriend who has opted to discuss that unfortunate evening widely.
- 3.
a small, skinny man with close cropped hair and a squeaky nasal voice who plays the submissive in all sexual encounters; e.g., Eminem.
- black
- 1.
in printing, the presence of all colors.
- 2.
a superlative meaning the best; e.g., black belt, black label, black tie, in the black, black mood, et cetera.
- black and tan
- 1.
the mixture of dark and less dark beer layered according to weight, solubility, and colloidal nature; advanced physics.
- 2.
a snobby waste of time.
- 3.
a rite of passage into one’s thirties as a hard lived yet fortunate drunk.
- 4.
the transformation from a raunchy twenty dollar a week habit into a compelling twenty dollar a day hole in your trousers (tips added for the scientifically disinclined).
- Black Community
- 1.
the city where all African Americans live, dreaming the same dreams, sharing the same opinions, and gladly jumping to lump themselves together the moment Whitey takes a break from doing so.
- 2.
a wonderful group of localized, family-oriented people serving terrific, spicy fried food, telling hilarious, poignant stories, and offering the worst directions on how to get out of their neighborhood your sorry white drunk ass will ever have the misfortune of trying to follow or understand.
- black person
- 1.
one born of innate depravity; an habitual criminal and thief.
- 2.
one born of perfect peace and glory, as well as cultural richness, robbed of everything; the most superior race of human; guiltless.
- 3.
an African (American); one who comes from Africa; e.g., Egyptians, Libyans, Moroccans, Afrikaners, etc.
- 4.
all of the above.
compare with white man.
- blackmailer
-
one who wagers on races between account balances and public revelation.
- blame
-
guilt turned toward the person who earned it.
- blank
- 1.
that stare you keep getting from people whenever you’re talking about yourself.
- 2.
what you’ve got left to shoot off at the end of a two week vacation with the Mrs.
- blog
-
onomatopoeic v, to expectorate.
- blood money
-
a vulgar slang expression for hematologically induced capital.
- BMW
-
Bavarian Motor Works; a major compensation-free employer of disadvantaged Jews during WW II.
- Bob
-
your uncle.
- body builder
-
one born with a deficiency in testicle mass who is forced to ingest and inject a constant stream of artificial testosterone so as to pass for a man.
see also weight lifter.
- Boing Boing
-
a famously productive gold mine scouted in 1988 and in full production by 1995, the veins were largely depleted by 2003 but the mine remains open in a heavily subsidized I-don’t-know-how-to-edit-my-blogroll, mercy-traffic program.
- Bollywood
- 1.
every American dance movie made during the 1940s and ’50s minus the charisma.
- 2.
the most brilliantly smoldering embers of homosexuality burning through a veneer of mustachioed machismo ever to light the vapid eyes of twittering Brahmin valley girls.
- bored
- 1.
suicidal.
- 2.
homicidal.
- born
-
according to one major source: fallen; according to another: escaped.
- Boston
- 1.
a crowded town, both cannibalistic and vampiristic—its lifeblood being a steady stream of highly unfortunate college students.
- 2.
the only largely populated city in the world in which the outbreak of violent crime can be traced not to the poverty level, but to the number of unfair parking violations distributed annually.
- bouquet
- 1.
originally, an arrangement of flowers; now used to describe any colorful gift which withers quickly and arouses suspicion against the bringer instantly.
- 2.
scent of a wine or brandy; with especially excellent bottles even citizens of Los Angeles have been known to remove their gas masks for the purest aroma possible; some States have actually outlawed all refined nostril confections, leaving only Napoleon Brandy and fortified wines to choose from.
see also alcohol.
- boy
-
a common name for the males of the human species; especially young males; considered cute and endearing.
compare with girl.
- Brady Law
-
originally Brady Bill, legislation that provides for a 3-5 day waiting period before a gun may be purchased; coincidentally this is the life-span of a Senator who trespasses one’s private property, specifically the bedroom.
- breakfast
-
a choice of solid foods available for the subtle dilution of one’s third and fourth cups of coffee.
see also lunch and dinner.
- breast
-
the most delicious part of flesh as well as fowl.
- breast implants
- 1.
a cosmetic equalization allowing women to find modeling jobs, secure romantic situations, and self-respect, although no one ever looks them in the eye again.
- 2.
a pacemaker for the virile.
- 3.
a left-right combination that’s been knocking women back to the boudoir better than any blows a man can deliver.
- bride
- 1.
the purchasing power of a dowry.
- 2.
a commodity which loses 80% of its value upon the first night following purchase.
- brilliant
-
bright; e.g., this dismal patch of gray is brilliant in relation to the inky lack bounding it.
- Briton
-
a race of man whose mythology includes disembowelment for weather prediction, cocaine addicted detectives, and a King who “accidentally” had sexual intercourse with his sister.
- brood
-
to observe.
- brother
- 1.
a black man.
- 2.
you, when any color of man is looking for spare change in your direction.
- Buddha
- 1.
a fat prince.
- 2.
a man who founded a philosophy and quasi-religion based on the tenet that life is pain and it’s best just to ignore it; a giver of sound advice.
- Budweiser
- 1.
as one can, a travesty.
- 2.
as one glass, a substitute for a good pilsner.
- 3.
as a pint, a happy hour Hobson’s choice.
- 4.
as a six pack, a late visit to the market on Super Bowl Sunday.
- 5.
as a case on sale, a great American tradition.
- bullet
-
the final food group.
- bum
- 1.
for any number of reality-TV stars, a vision of the future; also bus-bum.
- 2.
one who accepts the luxurious “Earned Income Credit” tax rebate, offered by the overly-empathetic Internal Revenue Service for those fortunate enough to have lived another entire year in poverty without killing oneself.
- 3.
one of a variety of flavors of homeless yet comfortably drunk entertainers—including musicians, philosophers, comedians and salesmen—who for one reason or another has been traded in to the US prisons, where they hold similar positions, though under a considerable amount of added pressure to entertain.
- bureaucrat
- 1.
one who oversees or administers the order of socks.
- 2.
a loop of red thread on the American flag which is always waiting to get caught on that which will unravel it.
- burnout
-
a glib or self-aggrandizing cynic who resorts to rewriting especially his own unknown work or grave-robbing the public domain for formulaic soporifics so easily duplicated as to completely escape critical notice excepting the entries wherein filth is liberally applied to the body celebrité.
- bus-ride
- 1.
a new word for “shaggy dog story”; a long, humorless joke.
- 2.
an easily accessed, fast-working, exaggerated dose of depression; informational packets are often available at the Post Office.
- bus-stop
-
a street corner designed for the lower-class to absorb mockery and contempt from the upper-class; a spiritual whipping post.
- Bush, George W
- 1.
The 43rd President of the United States of America.
- 2.
a man who, given another million years or so, shall be somewhat less famous than any random arthropod which currently skitters about on the ocean floor.
- Bushes
-
an appropriate place to relieve oneself.
- bushwacker
-
a hero-to-be.
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