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Devil’s 
Dictionary X Daily Definitions XML
Devil’s Dictionary X™
The Devil’s Dictionary X now has 1,268 terms defined!
Original Devil’s Dictionary Own the original, The Devil’s Dictionary (thrift edition)
Newest definitions — The Devil’s Dictionary X™-----------------------
beaver
1. a semi-aquatic rodent which must relentlessly exercise its jaw, as in the gnawing of trees, or die.
2. an organ which requires equal diligence and usually tastes somewhat worse than a waterlogged wood eating rodent.
because
1. the standard defense case for upper-class criminals; also just because.
2. the snappy answer to all of life’s existential “Why?” questions.
beer goggles
1. a visual apparatus for physical enhancement in the opposite sex.
2. the stuff good weekends and difficult mornings are made of.
more at six pack.
behavior
one’s reactions in response to another’s actions; Chinese handcuffs.
behavior analysis
1. a series of texts, insultingly redundant to both professionals and patients, which is widely accepted by psychologists over the world as a step by step method of getting mildly fucked-up people to break down and believe they’ve got to confess everything to someone just because he or she has got a framed certificate on a stuffy library wall.
2. the belief that manipulative behavior is constructive, but only when mixed with enough patronizing repetition and sneeringly arrogant postures.
3. not the belief that feelings don’t exist.
4. not the belief that feelings don’t exist.
5. not the belief.
6. feelings don’t exist.
7. whoah, what happened there?
belief
1. the convenience store of the soul.
2. conviction of truth in a supposition, especially the wild imaginings of prominent historical religious lunatics.
more at faith, suppository, and religion.
bender
twenty minutes of beautiful and fanciful memories remaining from 9 days worth of hard core consumption of alcohol.
Bible
1. Greek for “Book.”
2. when used with the definite article, “Bible” refers to a specific book of two main divisions, the first of which prescribes and codifies, at great length, the death penalty for such heinous offenses as working on the weekend and not seeking a rabbi’s approval to have a hamburger, and the second part prescribes love for everyone but queers and prostitutes and their children.
bibliophile
one who can only be sexually aroused by books; antonym, bookworm.
bicycle
a method of transport derived from a geometric theory that the closest distance between two points is pain.
biker
1. white, filthy rich, income in the 6 to 7 figure range; driving a BMW, a Ducati, or a rebuilt Triumph.
2. white, just filthy, income in the petty crack to meth dealer range; driving a Harley, a Harley, or some piece of crap Honda that looks like a Harley.
see also motorcycle cop.
birthday
an annual 24-hour chink in one’s cynicism, during which a few quick jabs of disappointment can inflict wounds that fester for a lifetime.
see also anniversary, Christmas, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, and so forth.
bisexual
1. one who will try anything twice.
2. a convenient label for a grand, lifelong fear of commitment.
3. a hallpass in the Great Colosseum of Sexuality, which not only serves to get one into any room one chooses, but has somehow come to be worth a couple of sympathy points along the way.
bitch
1. any woman who is all business.
2. a former girlfriend who has opted to discuss that unfortunate evening widely.
3. a small, skinny man with close cropped hair and a squeaky nasal voice who plays the submissive in all sexual encounters; e.g., Eminem.
black
1. in printing, the presence of all colors.
2. a superlative meaning the best; e.g., black belt, black label, black tie, in the black, black mood, et cetera.
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