- cab
-
a thrill ride minus the annual safety certification inspection.
- cable
-
a vacuum for time and intellect based on the philosophy of power in numbers—that more channels equals superior selections.
- cackle
-
the urban echo of grievances and complaints.
- California
- 1.
the land of uptight flakiness in casual-wear and a great pair of sunglasses.
- 2.
the home of flakey uptightness in outrageously priced clothes and a casual pair of sunglasses.
- 3.
an area of proud sports fanatics who seem not to understand the games they watch compulsively, as they will break out into riots whether their team wins or loses any major competition.
- 4.
a bulky population of large-sized fanatical babies with just enough team-work to turn a car over, or break into a pawn shop without damaging stolen goods on the way out.
- 5.
a factory which consumes tremendous amounts of electricity, natural resources, and foreign labor to produce oranges nearly as delicious as those from Florida, silicon wafers almost as good as those made in Japan, and some of the finest art Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider have to offer.
- 6.
the nearly very liberal State which almost represents close to the farthest left of thinking in this kind of democratic country.
- Canada
- 1.
the little known pivotal country on the “Axis of Evil.”
- 2.
a cheap alternative to Amsterdam.
- 3.
who to blame if you end up with a quarter which your breakroom soda machine will not accept.
- 4.
a former British colony which overfishes, deforests, pollutes, treats Native Americans Shabby with a capital “S,” and has a massive superiority complex; déjà vu.
- 5.
a sort of late-comer to the modern day garden of Eden with a maple leaf substituting for fig and the Tree-of-Self-Congratulation standing in for the Tree-of-Knowledge.
- Canadian
- 1.
a person who takes every chance to brag about his socialized medical care, especially when visiting his standby for-pay doctor in the US for any ailment more serious than corns or a yeast infection.
- 2.
a person who takes every chance to remind you that he is not American, or that he is American and you just don’t understand what American means.
- 3.
American Lite.
- cannibal
-
one who ceremonially ingests the flesh and blood of another human being; a Catholic.
- cannibalism
-
the ingestion, often ceremonial, of human flesh; considered a shockingly evil crime against mankind in every nation of the world excepting the Vatican.
- capitalism
- 1.
a financial system which supports personal choice to buy or sell what one will, allowing another is freely willing to make the exchange; the opposite of stealing.
- 2.
a similar system which accepts a common standard of value for trade, the carrot.
- 3.
the only fundamental difference between America and every nation leaking boat people to Her.
- carpetbagger
-
a Yankee lawyer bringing class action against a tobacconist.
- Catholic
-
one who practices Catholicism; an altogether superior form of Christian when compared with the lowly Protestant who has claim to not one legitimate Crusade and but 500 years of drunken lunacy with barely a few thousand witches and Jews converted to carbon in that span.
- Catholicism
- 1.
a universal religion with not a single literal adherent.
- 2.
a snowball rolling down the big hill toward the lowest place.
- caution
- 1.
instructional word on how to proceed when a woman brings up the topic of her weight.
- 2.
instructional word on how to proceed when a woman brings up a topic.
- 3.
a highway signpost, useful in alerting one to the proximity of the landmarks of the deaths of town officials’ drunk-driving relatives.
- 4.
n, the act of supplying those crack dealers upstairs with enough bong hits per week to keep them from robbing and/or raping you out of irritated, sober boredom.
- cell phone
-
a remarkable piece of technology that renders a rectum capable of speech.
- censor
- 1.
to personalize or adjust something exceedingly true.
- 2.
to paraphrase using more accessible words, such as “beep.”
- challenge
-
the politically correct term for an obstacle; an impediment; a co-worker.
- chaos theory
-
a scientific idea that apparently random or complex things have simple genera—leading some to speculate that the apparent complexity a PhD in Physics rests upon is probably nothing more than a spinner seeded by an equation lookup table.
- Chappaquiddick
-
a river in Massachusetts popular with the wealthy of New England as a destination for drive-in dates.
- Chappelle, Dave
-
the greatest philosopher of the last 1,000 years, masquerading as a harmless skinny black stoner so as to be able to deliver his gospel on two feet instead of two wooden beams.
- charisma
- 1.
money, in the hands of one inclined to brag and flaunt.
- 2.
cartoonish enthusiasm presented in front of any crowd familiar with one’s previous infomercials.
- chaste
-
the opposite of pursued.
- cheater
-
someone who prospers but employs no PR.
- check-in time
- 1.
a suggested amount of time spent at the airport, previous to one’s flight, which increases in length according to the consumer’s growing understanding of airport retail markups.
- 2.
the moment in time when one ought to check-in to a facility for help with one’s habits or sanity, eg: “Blibbabooboo, ring ding, gaboingo.”
- cherry
-
a type of extremely expensive berry which grows in the lowland scrub of all continents; its dearness due to the fact that it is almost always picked too early or left to rot between the branches.
- child
- 1.
a carbon copy; a wormy apple at the base of the tree; a constant reminder of how little one bothered to do and learn up till this point and now has lost any chance at again.
- 2.
a murderer or drug dealer with a sort of diplomatic immunity from prosecution.
- 3.
a pawn; a shield; an outlet.
- children
-
the pupae of a specific species of anthropoid simians which fluctuate between chilling displays of cuteness and the torturing of small animals to death.
- China
- 1.
a department of the World Bureaucracy known primarily for its supreme frugality exhibited in part by the billing of the families of executed for their executions, itemized to the bullet.
- 2.
a nation of more than one billion sharing a single clock.
- 3.
Marx’s largest résumé entry; the best reason for digging him up and hanging him.
- 4.
with the recent cessation of Arkansas’s “Blood-letting for Bad-humors” campaign, the world’s last holdout in medical quackery.
- 5.
a nation almost entirely devoid of wildlife, with amazing restaurants.
- chlamydia
-
a perennial flower especially popular on college campuses; picked most often by freshman and sophomores, it is a blossom one may only see and smell once yet remember an entire lifetime.
- choice
-
a literary device in the writing of fiction used to obscure a character’s history or mislead the reader; the use of choice in fiction destroys the impact of many a great novel as it makes willing suspension of disbelief into a herculean challenge.
- choke
- 1.
to make it nearly all the way through a thing, as in the recording of the meaning of a word, only to realize at the last moment failure, as in not having written anything amusing or enlightening.
- 2.
no, wait, chickens, something funny about chickens–
- Chomsky, Noam
-
a one dog dog-fight.
- chowderhead
- 1.
a head literally filled with chowder.
- 2.
any disgusting, white-haired, perverted homosexual embezzler on a pair of sticks.
- Christian
-
a spiritual fraidy-cat; it is said that there are no “fox-hole atheists,” while this is true, it is not widely reported that no good decision has ever been made in a fox-hole.
- Christianity
-
originally the same religion as Judaism and Islam, Christianity split off into its own religion over a dispute on how poorly one should be allowed to treat one’s women and how many one should be allowed to keep.
- Christmas
- 1.
a time when people pretend to help one another in ways they should all year around, with a shrug and the words, “Since it’s Christmas,” preceding these half-assed gestures.
- 2.
a massive celebration on a miscalculated birth-date of a vastly misinterpreted teacher by the name of Spider-Man.
- Christmass
-
archaic spelling, Christmas; literally Christ mass, or the mass of Christ, assume 75kg in wood-based designs for load bearing intersecting spars.
- CIA
-
Central Intelligence Agency, the altruists of the espionage game, the CIA has graciously shared training, drug funds, and munitions with many under-privileged nations like Afghanistan, Jordan, Honduras, and our good friends from Saudi Arabia.
- circumcised
-
peeled.
- circumcision
-
the original cosmetic surgery.
- civic
-
for sale; not yet sold.
- civility
- 1.
not to lisp while you say, “Oh, pardon me,” day-in and day-out.
- 2.
to act in a human or humanistic manner; to err.
- clambake
- 1.
an unappealing situation.
- 2.
a sorority party.
- clever
-
the harshest word thus far found in the critique of poetry.
more at interesting.
- cleverness
-
that which is desirable in a child, necessary in an inventor, loathed in a co-worker, and feared in an enemy.
- clinical depression
- 1.
what any mild bipolar disorder becomes as soon as it’s pointed out as a treatable problem.
- 2.
the emotional state induced through employment in the health care industry.
- clinical paranoia
-
no indication at all that people aren’t following or watching you, hovering over your spouse, analyzing weblogs of Internet sites you’ve visited, scouting your house and belongings even as you read this.
- clitoris
-
the female pleasure center—along with the labia minora, usually depicted in art and literature as a beautiful flower, especially an orchid, while in reality resembling nothing quite so much as a wad of chewed bubble-gum.
- clock
- 1.
a control and synchronization device used to govern and measure the feeding and labor of domestic work animals.
- 2.
to catch one driving the speed that everyone else drives.
- 3.
to pummel indefinitely; eg: “Rodney King was clocked speeding on angel dust.”
- clothes-hanger
- 1.
traditionally, a triangular shaped wire, ending in a hook, which was mangled to become useful for scraping marijuana residue out of a pipe.
- 2.
a surgical instrument of ill-repute.
- Cluetrain
-
Amtrak’s new locomotive where first and second-class berths are replaced entirely with underclass.
- CNN
-
Rudi Bakhtiar’s pimp advertising the price of ongoing services in 18pt type scrolling as fast as a high school drop-out can read.
- co-revivalist
-
Robin to the Devil’s Batman; a kind of hitch-hitch-hiker; the vampire’s phlebotomist.
see also revivalist.
- co-worker
-
the cud-chewer in the next stall over on the old cube farm; alt spelling, cow-orker.
- cocaine addict
-
an entertainer; one who works in the entertainment industry.
compare with heroin addict.
- code nazi
-
a hacker whose rigid enforcement of arbitrary programming standards eclipses his or her skills in English, interpersonal relations, webpage layout, oral hygiene, et cetera.
- code reuse
-
another entry in the increasingly porcine lexicon of euphemisms for theft and sloth.
- coffee
- 1.
the sixth food group.
- 2.
manna.
- cognitive dissonance
-
the American disease; to be contrasted and compared with syphilis, the French disease; superiority complex, the Canadian disorder; and misanthropy, the lexicographer’s ailment.
- cold
-
a mathematical constant: wherever your spouse or room-mate likes to keep the thermostat, plus two degrees.
- college try
- 1.
a halfhearted attempt.
- 2.
an effort of shifting emphasis.
- 3.
a scholastic push based more heavily on the chance of getting laid than on loyalty to one’s alma mater.
- 4.
to cheat.
- 5.
to ignore one’s declared field until the last possible moment.
- colored person
-
a dramatically offensive term used by hateful racists to describe a person of color.
- comfort
-
intoxicant; to intoxicate.
- commenstruate
-
equal in measure or extent of hormonal misery.
- Communism
-
a form of government based on the theory that neighbor-interest is a stronger force in nature than self-interest; the only successful implementation of this style of government to date is the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce.
- Communist
-
a close, but unloved, cousin to the Fascist; the Communist bears all outward similarities—scythe replaces ax—but has an innate love for sharing: sharing blame, sharing personal bills, sharing prison camps, sharing intolerance, sharing bread lines, sharing the love of slaughtering dissidents and billing the families for the executions, etc.
more at Communism.
- compatible
-
describing a couple in which the upper spectrum of the man’s bi-polar disability corresponds reasonably near to the woman’s rag-cycle.
- competition
- 1.
an abortion of ideas; the act of stamping out any possibility of progress.
- 2.
unsportsmanly conduct for social gain, especially in the presence of another’s mate.
- 3.
shameless dick-waving.
- 4.
what lyric, poetry, music, art, travel, schooling, philosophy, science, thought, service, business, sexuality, sensuality, and romance have been exchanged for over time.
- 5.
sad acceptance in humiliation or solitude.
- 6.
human nature; inevitability.
- 7.
apocalypse; detriment; retirement of humanity.
- 8.
desperation; futile and petty struggles in place of fun, communication, and a decent boxing match now and then for christsakes.
- 9.
fill in your own punchline here—make it funny.
- compliment
-
harassment; to harass.
- concentration camp
-
where kids with ADD might well be sent if we see a persistent Republican majority in the Congress.
- Confederate
- 1.
one inured of free labor.
- 2.
a type of cannon fodder known for its beautiful gray cloth, hence the term Confeddi.
- confrontational
- 1.
terrified to back down and expose one’s backside.
- 2.
tired of leaving points unmade.
- congratulations
- 1.
a dry dose of patronizing sarcasm from an asshole.
- 2.
what should be said to any man in his late eighties for performing intercourse.
- Congress
-
in the lowercase: physical joining of the male and female genitals usually leading to the ejaculation of semen from the penis into the female reproductive tract; the only difference in the uppercase version of the word is that the female sex organs are dispensed with and any American citizen’s rectum proxies.
- Congressman
-
one who congresses.
- consensus
-
acquiescence.
- conservative
-
one who wishes to conserve; a nature lover; sometimes written “conservationist.”
- considered
-
a timid debater’s synonym for “is,” used to ingratiate and soft-pedal an otherwise declarative statement one is frightened of pronouncing; e.g., “goto considered harmful.”
- conspiracy theory
-
the result of the public’s severe disenchantment with reality’s tendency toward simplicity and transparency.
- constitution
-
one’s health and underlying physical makeup which if abused results in early, often sudden and unexpected, death; see also US Constitution.
- consultant
-
an expert in filling an Excel sheet with random observations, bullet-pointing common sense recommendations, and putting a stamp on a bill because he’ll be in another time zone when you are ready to try anything he suggested.
- consumption
-
dipsomania.
- contact
-
n, what the word “friend” has come to mean; and so what the clever man must learn to take pleasure in ridding himself of through correspondence and with increasing speed, as he improves upon his wit over time.
- contingency
-
an event that is possible but not guaranteed; an event liable to occur as the result of something else not; e.g. [dual usage], if the copyright lawyer cannot work on contingency to sue those rat-bastards into oblivion, our contingency plan is to simply drive over to their homes at 3am and extract payment directly from their hides.
- contortionist
-
anyone capable of smiling through the majority of a day at work.
- contradiction
-
meaningless term meaning most anything.
- conversation
-
to convert from one thing to another by use of words, e.g., “I went from being in love to wanting to scrub my Johnson with a Brillo pad by the end of the conversation.”
- cooperate
- 1.
to acquiesce; to capitulate; to give in.
- 2.
to walk oneself through the abattoir.
- cooperation
-
the relationship between a master and a slave.
- cop
- 1.
a municipally sponsored thug, killer; one who kills legally; a knuckle dragger; one who has no aversion to shooting unarmed people in the back; also, government cop, an FBI agent.
- 2.
a heavily armed bully.
- 3.
a racist.
- 4.
an urban agent of class vengeance.
- 5.
one with the income of an engineer, the education of a cocktail waitress, and the psychology of a wife-beater.
- 6.
regional, LA, a moving target.
- 7.
a doughy or steroidal collection of human organs going to waste.
- 8.
archaic, one who protects and serves the public.
- copy clerk
- 1.
a plagiarizer with no concern over what he’s plagiarizing; a blind thief.
- 2.
a person in front of a computer screen showing pornography and other downloaded garbage who is definitively unavailable to help those waiting for assistance with broken down or stuck machines; a slacker.
- 3.
any clever lad who has figured out a way to get paid for staring blankly at needy customers while scratching his arse.
- 4.
the last of the true observers.
- copy machine
- 1.
a device which capitalizes on unoriginality.
- 2.
the exact opposite of a printing press, molded of plastic and reeking of toxins.
- 3.
a dispenser of wasted paper smeared with legal jargon, advertisements and lost love sentiments.
- 4.
a tool of sophisticated inconvenience, made to sustain recycling business of its place in society.
- copyright
-
©, the piss on a particular phrase, piece of prose, or novel.
- Coulter, Ann
- 1.
a broad minded journalist, where broad means, approximately, woman and journalist means something along the lines of a self-envenomated dental dam, drooling ink on various publications.
- 2.
the very pretty Whore of Babylon.
- country
- 1.
nation.
- 2.
often misattributed as a prefix for a type of music endemic to culturally impoverished areas of the Southern US; properly the prefix for this type of music is “shitty-.”
- court
- 1.
traditional usage: to seek the marriage of a woman with the intent to provide house and board in exchange for sexual partnership and light housework.
- 2.
modern usage: an establishment seeking the marriage of a minority man with the intent to provide house and board in exchange for sexual partnership and light roadwork.
- courteous
- 1.
severely lacking or retarded in passion; obsequious.
- 2.
describing one unable to form proper responses until well after a conversation has ended.
- 3.
describing one too near-sighted to observe obesity, too hard-of-hearing to intercept moronic banter, or too dim to remark ably upon either; see also nice.
- 4.
passive-aggressive.
- 5.
unconscious; compare with sober.
- courtesy flush
-
a round of lay-offs which calms the shareholders long enough to slip them the old Chapter 11 a few months down the road.
- courtroom justice
- 1.
a longish step which has been added to the process of scooping slaves from out of their low income habitats.
- 2.
publicity for naughty celebrities.
- 3.
publicity for murderous celebrities.
- 4.
a buttfucker’s version of the gameshow, “The Price Is Right,” where the phrase “Come on down,” is replaced by an oath of some sort.
- coverage
-
a journalistic term, meaning propaganda.
- Coyote
-
one who is half Anglo and half Mestizo which is in turn half American Indian and half Spanish which is itself a salad of Caucasian, Moorish, and Gypsy which is really just the briefest possible survey of a fascinating journey back in time to see who raped whom.
- crack addict
-
a Negro user of cocaine.
- crack whore
-
an expert whore; a whore without parallel; the whore you send in when no other whore can get the job done; also cracker-jack whore.
more at whore.
- cracker
- 1.
a computer term created by hackers to describe a subset of themselves best explained with this analogy: cracker is to hacker as kike is to Jew.
compare with hacker.
- 2.
a kind of food which is usually square, thin, brittle, crumbly, under-salted, flavorless and white; a similar kind of person.
- creationist
-
one who prefers mud to monkey for ancestor; also cretinist.
- credit card
- 1.
a touching gesture of financial trust, extended from banks to their indentured servants.
- 2.
a foolish assumption made by various companies, about one belligerent lexicographer in particular: that his reputation with them means more to him than his reputation with anyone else.
- cretin
- 1.
one underdeveloped mentally and physically, from French and the Latin for Christian.
- 2.
no, seriously.
- criticize
-
to bolster the resolve of one’s opponent.
- crunk
-
crack/chronic/crazy + drunk; origitivity for mortards.
- crush
-
the pressure of desire compacted by the absence of experience, resulting most often in the past tense of this same word.
- cum
-
Latin term used in stage and film directions; e.g., “Jenna cum loudly.”
- cunnilingus
- 1.
the most common method of contracting tetanus.
- 2.
a concept taken from a dated theory in abstract art—that the more strokes you apply, the more likely your chances of hitting a mark.
- 3.
oh God, oh, baby, yes.
- 4.
currency; a non-verbal bargain regarding household chores or babysitting.
- 5.
oh yeah, oh God, yeah, yeah-yeah.
- 6.
a long term commitment.
- 7.
OHH, baby--baby, yes, YES!
- 8.
a massive collective thought by men and lesbians everywhere: “For cristsakes, just come already.”
- cunt
- 1.
the female pudenda, considered obscene.
- 2.
the last remaining word in English that is difficult to say in front of strangers, thus making it an especially potent thing to say to strangers.
- 3.
n, describing a combination female telephonist and motorist.
- 4.
why are you so angry?
more at girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, slut, mother and so on.
- curriculum vitae
-
the French term for résumé.
- cursed ship
-
the SS majenta.
- curve, the
-
a grading scheme by which 98 retards, idiots, cretins and morons can share in statistically liberated As, Bs, and Cs—as a bonus, the one or two geniuses in the batch lose a little sparkle in the bargain.
- custody
- 1.
rights of separated parents to shuffle children back and forth between two halves of a home.
- 2.
rights to the love of one’s children or some division of one’s children, most often determined by and weighted towards the pettier of the two parents.
- 3.
the most pivotal set of details in the lives of you would-be step-parents which will ever be determined without your input.
- custody
-
the state of keeping something safe, as in custodial care of a thing; the fashion in which white America has pledged to keep eternal care of its colored citizens.
- cynic
- 1.
a pragmatist.
- 2.
a tired or decrepit romantic.
- 3.
an arrogant, often verbose and pedantic wash-out.
- 4.
one not quite cynical enough to write for majenta.
- cynical
- 1.
indispensable.
- 2.
extremely interesting.
- 3.
original.
- 4.
possessed of insight.
- 5.
wearing a prescription of truth-colored glasses.
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