- DARE
-
acronym, Drugs Are Really Excellent.
- data
-
chiefly scientific usage: that which is malleable or ductile.
- DBA
-
a computer science acronym for “don’t bother asking.”
- dead
-
an absolute level of well-being which is identified by a profound resistance to stress and diseases as well as a marked tolerance to pain and hunger; perfect health.
- deadline
- 1.
an editor’s shameless display of authoritarian hypocrisy involving an arbitrary date and 1-20 weeks of presumable leeway.
- 2.
what you’ll have to listen to in response the next time you see fit to call me at home.
- death
- 1.
a mere formality separating you from intimate personal acquaintance with the great lexicographer.
- 2.
a step which, as often as not, precedes dishonor.
- debate
-
common name for a lost argument.
- debt
-
the dedicated artist’s only lifelong companion, apart from hard work; the pay-off.
- debtors prison
-
the most centralized community of writers in the United States; a year-round writers’ convention.
- decaffeinated coffee
- 1.
are you kidding?
- 2.
I mean, you have got to be kidding.
- 3.
a sucker punch that takes an hour to realize and all day to recover from.
- 4.
a tiger without stripes, a lark without song, your mom without a “date” on Saturday night.
see also non-alcoholic beer.
- deduce
-
to remove the Devil from a thing.
- deep
-
opaque.
- def
-
abrv, defecation; e.g., “Those are some def tunes–what’s the matter, wouldn’t they flush?”
- defeatism
- 1.
an intelligent look at one’s situation and options; clarity.
- 2.
continuing education; the act of returning to school.
- 3.
depression revitalized.
- 4.
running out of blood-sugar mid-sentence and regretting the day one began learning to read and write.
- defeatism
- 1.
the attitude that defeat is inevitable; pessimism; treason.
- 2.
the attitude that defeat is inevitable; realism; rationality.
- definition
-
the vivisection tray upon which a word is splayed; while the gist may be clearly labeled with colored pins, resuscitation becomes problematic.
- deformity
-
a distortion of a physical feature; e.g., “That Pamela Anderson can get work in spite of her obvious deformity is proof of the equity and charity of Hollywood.”
- deliberate
-
v, to return a country to self-rule.
- deliverable
-
a business term meaning a package or packet of drugs small enough to be concealed and carried by one person.
- deluded
-
adj, describing one who has never held a minimum wage job.
- demand
-
a commonly prescribed remedy for the great blight of supply.
- Democracy
-
a form of government based on the theory that four people cannot possibly be right about something if they disagree with six others.
- Democrat
- 1.
an American Communist.
- 2.
one who practices bestiality, witchcraft, and sponsors public pornography; a drug user; alt spelling, Demoncrat.
compare with Republican.
- demonic
- 1.
describing one who engages in activities or thoughts outside or not represented in the mainstream, i.e., anything that isn’t on network television between 7 and 10pm EST.
- 2.
describing one who nails animals to doors—or eats the organ meat of one’s best friends—to summon demons.
- denial
- 1.
cowardice.
- 2.
an inability to function in the real world; escapism; refusal to believe facts, often prompted by drugs, alcohol, cheap sex or other vices; the lowest form of dishonesty—lying to oneself.
see also lie.
- 3.
a really, really, really nice break.
- dentist
-
a sadist and blackmailer with a “medical” degree.
- deoxyribonucleic acid, DNA
-
proof of adultery but not murder.
- depression
- 1.
a low pressure system; the absence of pressure; the pure center of peace and calm.
- 2.
understanding perfected.
- desperation
-
the state in which one is willing to accept a career in writing.
- Devil worship
-
a harmless pass-time enjoyed by the best-informed, most likable and attractive men and women of the day.
- Devil worshiper
-
anyone who has spent more time today with this dictionary than with the Bible.
- dick-gobbler
-
a Chinese pharmacologist.
- differently abled
-
the currently accepted pronunciation of the word spelled c-r-i-p-p-l-e-d.
- dignity
- 1.
a time passer; a pass-time.
- 2.
a possession which compels one to choose starvation over humiliation.
- 3.
an extinct animal which once roamed the American West.
- Dilbert®
- 1.
a comic strip with legions of fans in the tech industry; empirical proof that a high IQ is completely unnecessary to obtain an advanced degree in engineering, electronics, computers, etc.
- 2.
Garfield with an office job.
- dildo
-
substitute; stand-in; double; replacement; trade-off; improvement.
- dingleberry
-
the fruit of an invasive European weed, peniculus herba speciosa, now endemic to the American plains.
- dinner
- 1.
the first meal of the day during which drinking alcohol is considered socially acceptable.
- 2.
the only meal of the day for which intelligent persons will tolerate a social environment; with the expectation that at least 3 out of 7 such meals occur before a lighted television screen and any forays into conversation are wetted with, “I’m trying to watch this.”
see also breakfast and lunch.
- diplomacy
-
the art of remaining neutral and amicable in any given situation until such time as you have secured a clear advantage.
- disaster
-
from the Latin dis-astro, literally, bad stars; e.g., Kevin Costner.
- discipline
- 1.
training that hardens one’s moral character.
- 2.
training that hardens one’s member.
- disdain
-
an emotion brought on by the act of listening to what people are saying.
- disenfranchise
-
to deprive of a franchise; especially an assistant-managership of a McDonald’s.
- disgusting
-
laundry day, six weeks into one’s re-established single-life.
- dishonor
-
what follows as often as precedes death.
- ditch
- 1.
to leave behind, throw away, or evasively shake; to lose intentionally.
- 2.
what one should do at least twice a year with one’s personal telephone book, social email address, and attachments to the contacts therein.
- dittohead
-
the crowning achievement of late 20th century philosophy, one who takes pride in his or her lack of ability to form original or analytical thought.
see also Rush Limbaugh.
- diversify
- 1.
generally, to improve position or strengthen by investing time or assets in areas other than that which they were intended for.
- 2.
to spread one’s effort into new areas; e.g., Southern plantation owners of 19th c. America were known to diversify their lineage as often as was prudent.
- 3.
to attempt greater success in business through widening positions, or as a husband to a wife, “Honey, perhaps we should diversify this evening.”
- 4.
in corporate usage, to produce variety in the consumer base which is raped, especially in foreign markets.
- 5.
to balance a corporation’s interests defensively by dividing hard earned capital amongst a variety of industries about which the management knows nothing.
compare with worsen.
- divorce
- 1.
the word with which one can win early marital spats.
- 2.
the word which overused will conclude all marital spats.
- documentation
-
physical descriptions, or documents, to prove a thing occurred, as photographs, video, sworn testimonies, and forwarded email.
- dog
- 1.
American usage, the most loyal of pets; Man’s best friend.
- 2.
Korean usage, the most healthful of soups; Man’s best lunch.
- domesticity
- 1.
a large, yet cozy city fueled by the burning flesh, bones, and pornography of former bachelors.
- 2.
an ongoing meditation on toilet seat latitude in an environment unfit for philosophical discussion on the matter.
- donut
- 1.
the mainstay of the police officer.
more at cop; also, doughnut.
- 2.
in American slang, the female sex organ.
more at beaver.
- DOS
-
a system created by Microsoft; frequently written DoS.
- dowry
- 1.
the cash balance of the beauty of the bride minus the age of the groom.
- 2.
a woman’s sticker price; it is important to note that the only state in the Union which enforces a remediable warranty is Texas.
- drinking
- 1.
the natural human response to employment and an eight hour day at any job.
- 2.
the natural human reaction to unemployment, rejection, depression, boredom, etc.
- 3.
give it back; give it back right now.
see also alcoholic and alcoholism.
- Drudge Report, the
-
a potent cultural moonshine made from the mash of the New York Times and the water of gore-mongering filtered through a circa 1989 tampon of Princess Diana.
- drug
-
a substance, often illegal, which causes habituation; e.g., pornography, free-thought, or making money without cutting in the syndicate, i.e., the US government.
- drug paraphernalia
- 1.
evil devices, sold exclusively to children, used for hiding marijuana from the teachers and parents that would rightfully send their children to prison for using it; also scales, plastic sandwich bags, ornamental boxes, sunglasses with cases, diaries with secret compartments, toilet paper rolls which have no toilet paper, or anything skull shaped not meant to contain brains.
- 2.
smoking accessories which are not used for smoking tobacco, which is neither a harmful nor mood altering substance.
- 3.
beer cans, but only those which have been altered so as to enable the use of drugs other than alcohol, which is not a drug.
- drug test
- 1.
a computer chip used by addicts to quickly judge the quality of a drug at the time of purchase.
- 2.
a urine-test used to retrace steps and account for relationship severances from a previous night.
- 3.
in the 1990s, before majenta’s blood-thirsty War on the War on Drugs, this provided a lot of businesses with a spurious sense of security.
- drunk
- 1.
a person of independent values or codependent worth.
- 2.
a soggy minded vagabond or poet set apart from his ilk by the marked inability to tolerate coffee.
- 3.
calm; relaxed; free from worry.
- drunk driver
- 1.
someone that doesn’t watch enough TV; an ignoramus to the scare-tactics of the media.
more at safe ride.
- 2.
anyone afraid to drink alone—who is legally permitted to drive to a bar and become so severely intoxicated one cannot even speak but is then legally bound to call a cab–a social slave.
- drunkard
-
contraction, originally written, “drunk’ard,” short for, “You’re drunk again? You bastard.”
- DUI
- 1.
acronym, Deliver Us from Iowa.
- 2.
a stamp on one’s driver’s license intended for the vague, nostalgic recollection of one funny night in particular.
- DVD
-
the most recent in a series of Beta, LaserDisc, and VCR replacements, the final being a visitation from dramatic performers to your town, supposedly to be called a “Play.”
- dysphagia
-
a tragic condition preventing many young artists and professionals from succeeding in their aspirations.
- déjà vu
-
you read this already; it was funnier the first time.
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