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Devil’s 
Dictionary X Daily Definitions XML
Devil’s Dictionary X™
The Devil’s Dictionary X now has 1,268 terms defined!
Original Devil’s Dictionary Own the original, The Devil’s Dictionary (thrift edition)
Newest definitions — The Devil’s Dictionary X™-----------------------
Earth Day
a holiday celebrated by a lot of stomping about and subsequent removal of topsoil in America’s parklands.
eBay
an online alternative to traditional collecting where mint condition means only kinda fucked-up.
economist
a devotee of chaos theory, without the math degrees; a person whose unbroken string of losses at Monopoly has spawned a vendetta against bankers and property holders; a weather man for economies.
see also weather man.
editor
1. one who cannot write; one whose chief form of self-expression is censure.
2. an old lady terrified that inclusion of the words alright, alot, and ain’t in standard English usage guides will somehow make life no longer worth living.
3. a goon with a red pencil and a talent for alliteration.
4. an incompetent writer who has learned the trick to never being criticized for awful writing: put someone else’s name on it.
egoism
self-respect which has through some misfortune or another come to the attention of others.
Egypt
the land which brought the world the discovery that crocodile feces make a fair contraceptive when applied vaginally.
election
a kind of other, other shoe.
see also vote and recount.
Electoral College
a community university where all classes are optional especially “Civics 101: You Should Have Seen it Coming.”
electro-acoustic
1. word used in reference to music in the abstract; common abstractions include loose chordal structure, the absence of a central tone, a theater full of imaginary listeners, etc.
2. music enthusiastically encouraged by tenured professors of music on a salary, who have more of a desperate need for music to talk about at length than music which is enjoyable to hear.
email
1. a hot new communication tool poised to overthrow the mass media’s dull monarchy over humanity.
2. a chance at writing several people the same message, showing them the same picture; form-letter 2.0.
3. a sickeningly blatant glance at the lack of imagination which plagues the vast majority; a mirror.
4. a friendly yet insistent sales pitch; an advertisement.
5. an inescapable convenience in Hell; a torture device.
Emancipation Proclamation, the
an apple and a roadmap given to black Americans, as a 1863 New Year’s gift, by Abraham Lincoln.
emasculating
1. eating dinner with one’s mother and spouse simultaneously.
2. eating dinner with either one’s mother or spouse.
more at vagina dentata.
embezzle
to vote oneself a raise without interference from the employer; this technique is practiced semi-annually by the American Congress.
emigrant
an individual suffering from severe green-green color-blindness.
Eminent Domain
the come around of Manifest Destiny’s having gone around; a favorite punchline around the water cooler of the Happy Hunting Grounds.
see also Manifest Destiny and private property.
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