 
- Earth Day
-
a holiday celebrated by a lot of stomping about and subsequent removal of topsoil in America’s parklands.
- eBay
-
an online alternative to traditional collecting where mint condition means only kinda fucked-up.
- economist
-
a devotee of chaos theory, without the math degrees; a person whose unbroken string of losses at Monopoly has spawned a vendetta against bankers and property holders; a weather man for economies.
see also weather man.
- editor
- 1.
one who cannot write; one whose chief form of self-expression is censure.
- 2.
an old lady terrified that inclusion of the words alright, alot, and ain’t in standard English usage guides will somehow make life no longer worth living.
- 3.
a goon with a red pencil and a talent for alliteration.
- 4.
an incompetent writer who has learned the trick to never being criticized for awful writing: put someone else’s name on it.
- egoism
-
self-respect which has through some misfortune or another come to the attention of others.
- Egypt
-
the land which brought the world the discovery that crocodile feces make a fair contraceptive when applied vaginally.
- election
-
a kind of other, other shoe.
see also vote and recount.
- Electoral College
-
a community university where all classes are optional especially “Civics 101: You Should Have Seen it Coming.”
- electro-acoustic
- 1.
word used in reference to music in the abstract; common abstractions include loose chordal structure, the absence of a central tone, a theater full of imaginary listeners, etc.
- 2.
music enthusiastically encouraged by tenured professors of music on a salary, who have more of a desperate need for music to talk about at length than music which is enjoyable to hear.
- email
- 1.
a hot new communication tool poised to overthrow the mass media’s dull monarchy over humanity.
- 2.
a chance at writing several people the same message, showing them the same picture; form-letter 2.0.
- 3.
a sickeningly blatant glance at the lack of imagination which plagues the vast majority; a mirror.
- 4.
a friendly yet insistent sales pitch; an advertisement.
- 5.
an inescapable convenience in Hell; a torture device.
- Emancipation Proclamation, the
-
an apple and a roadmap given to black Americans, as a 1863 New Year’s gift, by Abraham Lincoln.
- emasculating
- 1.
eating dinner with one’s mother and spouse simultaneously.
- 2.
eating dinner with either one’s mother or spouse.
more at vagina dentata.
- embezzle
-
to vote oneself a raise without interference from the employer; this technique is practiced semi-annually by the American Congress.
- emigrant
-
an individual suffering from severe green-green color-blindness.
- Eminent Domain
-
the come around of Manifest Destiny’s having gone around; a favorite punchline around the water cooler of the Happy Hunting Grounds.
see also Manifest Destiny and private property.
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