- Earth Day
-
a holiday celebrated by a lot of stomping about and subsequent removal of topsoil in America’s parklands.
- eBay
-
an online alternative to traditional collecting where mint condition means only kinda fucked-up.
- economist
-
a devotee of chaos theory, without the math degrees; a person whose unbroken string of losses at Monopoly has spawned a vendetta against bankers and property holders; a weather man for economies.
see also weather man.
- editor
- 1.
one who cannot write; one whose chief form of self-expression is censure.
- 2.
a goon with a red pencil and a talent for alliteration.
- 3.
an old lady terrified that inclusion of the words alright, alot, and ain’t in standard English usage guides will somehow make life no longer worth living.
- 4.
an incompetent writer who has learned the trick to never being criticized for awful writing: put someone else’s name on it.
- egoism
-
self-respect which has through some misfortune or another come to the attention of others.
- Egypt
-
the land which brought the world the discovery that crocodile feces make a fair contraceptive when applied vaginally.
- election
-
a kind of other, other shoe.
see also vote and recount.
- Electoral College
-
a community university where all classes are optional especially “Civics 101: You Should Have Seen it Coming.”
- electro-acoustic
- 1.
word used in reference to music in the abstract; common abstractions include loose chordal structure, the absence of a central tone, a theater full of imaginary listeners, etc.
- 2.
music enthusiastically encouraged by tenured professors of music on a salary, who have more of a desperate need for music to talk about at length than music which is enjoyable to hear.
- email
- 1.
a hot new communication tool poised to overthrow the mass media’s dull monarchy over humanity.
- 2.
a chance at writing several people the same message, showing them the same picture; form-letter 2.0.
- 3.
a sickeningly blatant glance at the lack of imagination which plagues the vast majority; a mirror.
- 4.
a friendly yet insistent sales pitch; an advertisement.
- 5.
an inescapable convenience in Hell; a torture device.
- Emancipation Proclamation, the
-
an apple and a roadmap given to black Americans, as a 1863 New Year’s gift, by Abraham Lincoln.
- emasculating
- 1.
eating dinner with one’s mother and spouse simultaneously.
- 2.
eating dinner with either one’s mother or spouse.
more at vagina dentata.
- embezzle
-
to vote oneself a raise without interference from the employer; this technique is practiced semi-annually by the American Congress.
- emigrant
-
an individual suffering from severe green-green color-blindness.
- Eminent Domain
-
the come around of Manifest Destiny’s having gone around; a favorite punchline around the water cooler of the Happy Hunting Grounds.
see also Manifest Destiny and private property.
- emoticon
- 1.
a wide range of refined emotions expressed via the click of a button; authorship; originality; what Robert Frost was referring to in his poem, “The Road Less
 .”
- 2.
sheer yellow faced, twisty mouthed genius; the world-language to be; a long awaited return from the consequences of the Tower of Babel; world-peace; utopia.
- 3.
baby-talk for Systems Analysts.
- emotions
- 1.
what men are criticized harshly for failing to show in a timely and accurate manner.
- 2.
what men are crucified for, daily, for showing in any manner.
- 3.
woman’s answer to the boxing ring.
- 4.
what all of the seven deadly sins are derived from in some fashion.
- emptiness
-
the hangover of particularly strong satisfaction.
- enabler
-
one who enables another, often toward unhealthy or dangerous behavior; e.g., “Rachel’s mini-skirt made her the offensive line’s enabler after the homecoming chugfest.”
- enemy
- 1.
descriptive n, a person in comfort.
- 2.
a co-worker.
- enthusiastic
- 1.
in the dark.
- 2.
unaware of the consequences of an action.
- EOM
-
the text stamp which appears in an email when the body of the message has been deemed a threat to national security and deleted by the CIA; also <EOM>.
- epithet
- 1.
formal address for fellow motorists.
- 2.
American usage, honorific.
- equality
- 1.
time-shared exploitation rights; one’s shift usually changes a few generations following one’s death.
- 2.
the legal right to mutter non-threatening complaints under one’s breath.Â
- 3.
where “property” is defined as having a reasonable use of a thing, and “government” is as absent from our dictionaries as the word, “gullible;” go ahead, look any of them up.  Â
- erect
-
cocked.
- erection
-
while once freely put up, today it requires a permit, an inspection, various fees, and several months of waiting before one can properly go up.
- eschatology
- 1.
the study of the year 2000 (Y2K) computer bug.
- 2.
the branch of women’s studies focusing on the first woman President.
- eschew
-
Gesundheit.
- espresso
- 1.
a word from a language which has no “x;” alt spelling, expresso.
- 2.
the only healthy and socially approved vice left in the world.
- 3.
a carcinogenic goo sipped exclusively by beatniks and foreigners.
- estrogen
-
a strangely addictive chemical dispensed by kisses and, or, cruelty; inciting terms such as “sweetie,” “darling,” and “fucking whore” from the addict.
- etc
-
abrv, et cetera, Latin for and so on, more; a simple term which one would think the spelling of would lead to a clear pattern of pronunciation in all but the most dim; one would be wrong.
- ethics
-
the discipline concerning what is good and what is bad and who is watching.
- EU
-
European Union; Asia’s best economic hope.
- Euro
-
€, experimental currency designed to plumb the depths of wealth provided by Socialism.
- evil
-
pejorative for unproductive.
- Evil
- 1.
oh, dear… how many bytes does your ISP allow you to download in a day?
- 2.
neutral; having a natural indifference toward other persons’ affairs; unwilling to gossip for social power.
- 3.
honest and unafraid; upright; carrying no hidden agenda and wishing harm upon no one.
- 4.
[literally] administrative, legal, or governmental by trade.
- 5.
for Evil described at length, see the Agni Purana, the Quran, the Talmud, the Torah, the Bhagavad Gita, the Book of Kells, the I Ching, the Tao Te Ching, and especially the Bible.
- 6.
for Evil described in brief: grab a mirror, Sport.
- evolution
-
a theory with absolutely no proof, excepting billions of fossils, bacteria, finches, tortoises, pigeons, insects—all living creatures in fact–single point mutations, cellular automata, peas, the laws of physics, and common sense; aside from that, evolution doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
compare with intelligent design.
- ex-boyfriend
- 1.
a stalker; one who stalks.
- 2.
a man incapable of telling small lies with a straight face.
- ex-girlfriend
- 1.
a woman who expects everything about her relationship to a man will stay exactly the same following a sudden and inexplicable discontinuation of all sexual activity with him; a victim.
- 2.
twice annually, birthday and new year’s, the beloved.
- exaggerate
-
to describe in as plain a fashion as an information addict can comprehend.
- excited
-
uncomfortable; frightened.
- existentialism
-
the study of business and economics.
- exorcism
-
having one’s life ceremonially and pragmatically purged of the need for a lawyer.
- expat
-
one whom given the choice between a) love it, and b) leave it, chooses c) all of the above.
- expectations
-
what one’s spouse will gradually offer more and more often as a replacement for tolerance.
- expedient
-
that which best serves the needs of all parties concerned, providing Armageddon is still on schedule for the day’s end.
- expedite
- 1.
to extinguish
- 2.
to accelerate the delivery of a parcel, provided the recipient is willing to wait by his front door for twenty-four hours out of his day.
- exploit
- 1.
to offer a position of paid labor.
- 2.
to engage in uncompensated intercourse with a woman; more at slut.
- 3.
to befriend any individual of differing ethnic or social background.
- extortion
-
a type of barter; the pinnacle of free-market capitalism where exclusive rights to publish one’s own personal history are offered back for one’s purchase.
- extreme programming
- 1.
a style of programming which when given a problem such as
256**3 / ( 3 + 4 ) advocates doing 256 cubed and 3 plus 4 on paper so as to save one’s calculator the hardship of the processor time which would otherwise be required.
- 2.
a type of programming which affords aficionados of S/M the chance to share their personal interests at the office.
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