- FAA
- 1.
Federal Anxiety Administration.
- 2.
Federal Anal Assessors.
- 3.
our nation’s expert logicians, who together have decided that stripping passengers of their right to privacy, removing all guarantees regarding their property, then cluttering as many of them into an airport at a time as possible provides an additional line of defense against fanatical terrorism; this theory is based on the astute assumption that terrorists, however shrewd, are entirely and exclusively bent on killing people once they are airborne.
- fact
- 1.
that which is objectively true.
- 2.
something provable.
- 3.
a quantifiable piece of information.
- 4.
a good guess.
- 5.
the way one remembers a thing.
- 6.
adultery.
- fad
-
the exaggerated and temporary interest in another’s over-blown and short-lived interest in a thing; the theoretical tipping point of monkey see, monkey do.
- faggot
-
a man living an unnatural lifestyle; e.g., a white rapper.
- fagot
-
a bassoon, from the Italian, fagotto; fagot is the instrument, not to be confused with the bassoonist who is properly called a “fagot blower.”
- fair use
-
a survival tactic—by keeping one’s pilfering to a sugar-packet and office-pen level, one can make retribution of any scale seem unfair and thus defer punishment till the day a lexicographer’s children are grown.
- faith
- 1.
fidelity and allegiance to an idea, a place, or a person.
- 2.
abdication of all thought to an idea, a place, or a person.
see also belief.
- false economy
- 1.
an expression meaning to save a dollar through an expenditure of 10 bits.
- 2.
to vote Republican for a tax credit.
- 3.
to vote Democrat for an extension of benefits.
- family
- 1.
traditionally, blood relations and in-laws.
- 2.
n, in reference to those most capable of hurting one’s feelings.
- 3.
a de facto relationship void of free will which most political parties and philosophies tout as the strongest tie and most moral direction of personal duty.
- 4.
the acorn from which the oak woods of racism, nationalism and violence are born.
- father
-
a mawkish parody of God who creates children he claims infinite love for but instead casts out right about the time they discover they would probably rather be naked.
see also mother.
- father
- 1.
the name at the bottom of an absentee picture postcard in the vote regarding how one should address life’s many staggering tribulations.
- 2.
a poorly timed kick in the teeth, or ass, usually followed by an embarrassing excuse for an apology.
- 3.
in one’s late twenties, the source of some really excellent advice for a teenager.
- Father's Day
-
an afterthought to Mother’s Day concocted by daughters in need of capital and mother’s willing to say, “Oh, give the bastard a slot on the calendar, no one will remember it anyway and we can give Old Spice to rub in how much we despise him.”
compare to Mother’s Day.
- fax
-
the final resort of urban procrastination.
- FCC
- 1.
acronym, Federal Communications Commission; the agency responsible for setting the price rates for the broadcast of profanity.
- 2.
the agency which decides what is decent for broadcast; among that which has been deemed decent are incest, gunshots to the face, bludgeoned and leaking skulls, hookers, rape, racism, and everything else in the world except these seven words: piss, shit, fuck, cunt, motherfucker, cocksucker, and tits, which are also actually considered decent as long as you pay the per use fee.
- fear
- 1.
the state of knowing pretty well what’s going on.
- 2.
the sensation in a writer that somewhere, in something he or she has written and submitted for publication, sits the word “your” where the contraction for “you are” ought to be.
- fearful
-
sensible; reasonable; fully-conscious; adult.
- federal income tax
- 1.
the national nuclear bomb fund donation program.
- 2.
a sizable funnel into the IMF money pit.
- 3.
the only way the Pentagon can afford quality hammers.
- 4.
the scholarship fund for the School of the Americas.
- 5.
a curious annual parasitic habit of the US government begun in 1913, scant years before, pure coincidence, the national economy came crashing down; a habit prohibited by the Fifth Amendment and disobedience of which is punishable by removal of all property and freedom without trial or warrant.
- fellate
-
Latin for inflate.
- feminism
-
enlightened pursuit of equity by women.
compare with masculism.
- feminist
- 1.
one who takes sides.
- 2.
a fish without ambition in regard to the Tour de France.
- 3.
humorless; without joy.
- Feng Shui
- 1.
expensive Chinese fertilizer.
- 2.
Mandarin for “Sinophilic pansy.”
- fib
-
the act of describing one’s motives after viewing potential consequences of one’s actions.
- fickle
-
the chief quality by which we can recognize the Muse responsible for the dispensation of choice punchlines.
- fickleness
-
a woman’s prerogative, along with proper pronunciation apparently.
- fight
- 1.
n, a calm discussion consisting of at least forty percent utter silence.
- 2.
v, to stand up boldly at the face of tremendous opposition; to complain.
- 3.
archaic, a relatively fair match in hand to hand combat brought on by a drunken dispute ranging from noble to forgettable, and resulting in anything from a bloody nose to internal bleeding and plastic surgery.
- final exam
-
the professor’s chance to express his or her opinion of your opinions—the degree to which they coincide is measured in alphabetical order.
- financial aid
-
a government program which judges the dollar value of a student by exactly how unable he or she is to make money.
- fire
-
the gift of Prometheus, opening the road to all human progress—as with all great gifts given without expectation of repayment the giver was rewarded in kind; by being chained down and having his liver torn out daily for eternity.
- first date
- 1.
American usage: petting.
- 2.
French usage: oral sex.
- 3.
Swedish usage: intercourse, golden showers, anal penetration, et cetera.
- fishing
-
asking for it.
- fix
-
to solve a problem with the application of heroin.
compare to quick fix.
- flag
-
kindling.
- flamer
-
one who starts flame wars.
- flexibility
- 1.
for a groom, a quality which is most desirable in a bride.
- 2.
for a corporation, a quality which is most desirable in an employee.
- flirtation
- 1.
social equivalent to a feint in boxing; a set-up punch.
- 2.
a smokey glance from someone at the next table which seems to whisper, “You should’ve killed yourself that night.”
- flour
-
a gynecological tool which aids in the targeting and acquisition of the prize when working with a plus-sized subject.
- food
- 1.
in youth an enjoyable necessity for energy and continuing life.
- 2.
in old age an unpleasant necessity for stomaching one’s medication.
- football
-
podophile sex.
- Force, the
-
an invisible energy field which surrounds us and binds us to our mothers’ basements and our latex girlfriends.
- foreign market
-
a place, outside the US, where other people buy things made in other places with currency minted by other governments, which has a huge impact on American economics.
- forgetfulness
-
a recurrence which if observed in an individual over time will more often than not begin to reveal a pattern which shapes uncannily around the outskirts of the individual’s ever growing batch of nasty lies.
- formal
-
overly dressed, overly spoken, and seldom overly liked.
- fortnight
-
military term, the timespan required to invade and conquer France.
related term, Vichy.
- Fox News
-
the best journalists from Soviet Russia’s newspaper, “Pravda,” put to work by the American international post-cold-war regime.
- fox-hole
-
the church of the rather suddenly and unexpectedly repentant.
- France
-
clocking in at 8 days in the summer of 1940, the Surrender Champion of the World — in a startling display of environmental responsibility, Germany becomes the first nation to recycle as a matter of policy by making the French sign surrender papers in the self-same train car that Germany had used for the task in 1918.
- Francisco, Bambi
-
a wall-eyed escapee from the Playboy Mansion who seems to have something to do with economics in a more specific way than how many $20s will fit in her bikini bottom.
- Francophile
-
syn, fecophile.
- fraternity
- 1.
a Greek habit from the Latin, frater, for brother; brotherhood.
- 2.
mental collusion and spiritual sodomy.
- free market, the
-
the carrot market.
see also capitalism and freedom.
- free thinker
-
one whose thoughts are for sale at discount of tuppence.
- free verse
-
the highest form of poetic expression thus far developed by mankind—while retaining all the smarm, kitsch, and smugness of other poetic forms, the lack of rhyme and meter renders it mercifully easy to flush from one’s memory like a turd without the least buoyancy.
- free will
- 1.
erratic and unpredictable behavior in another.
- 2.
proof of God.
- 3.
proof against God.
- 4.
a possession native to men over 65 and women under 15.
- freedom
-
the right to choose one’s carrot.
- friend
-
one with a knack for hiding daggers.
- friendly
-
adj, describing a person in need.
- friendship
-
a ghost ship.
see also cursed ship.
- frog
-
disparaging, epithet for a race of men who, oddly, do not eat flies and live with snails but eat snails and draw flies.
- frugal
- 1.
fiscally conservative–unwilling to sponsor walks that propose to cure diseases or buy cookies from children in uniform—ornery.
- 2.
practical; able to distinguish the difference between selling out and selling out.
- 3.
folding one’s first wad of toilet paper in half again after the second wipe.
- frustration
- 1.
livelihood; awareness; being in possession of one’s faculties.
- 2.
the early stages of success in business; a middle rung on the ladder to freedom, where freedom is defined by moderate financial security and a handball sized chunk of prostate cancer; a good start.
- fuck
- 1.
to treat as royalty.
- 2.
an evil word used only by sinners bound for Hell.
- 3.
the initial step in motherhood; as in “I fucked your mother.”
- fuckwad
- 1.
the confluence of fluids resulting from sexual intercourse.
- 2.
epithet describing an individual whose friends all have the same haircut and skin tone.
- funny
- 1.
adj, humorous; that which causes one to laugh.
- 2.
peculiar; see queer.
- 3.
that which lightens one’s mood.
- 4.
a drunken animal.
- 5.
cruelty.
- 6.
the misfortune of another.
- 7.
the unusual death of a stranger.
- 8.
sexism.
- 9.
racism.
- 10.
people without humor.
- 11.
farting.
- 12.
the economic crisis of a foreign country.
- 13.
archaic, harmless jest.
- 14.
Jews and Canadians.
- 15.
in general, one’s aspirations.
- 16.
ideals.
- furry
-
your mother’s cat.
- fury
- 1.
the by-product of an unstable lie mixed with a copious measure of trust.
- 2.
the emotion inspired by insult to one’s mother.
- futurist
-
any one of the 16 readers of Bruce Sterling.
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