- ibid
-
from the Latin term, ibidem, meaning, only monkeys look.
- idiot
- 1.
Christ in Russia.
- 2.
curious George in Washington.
- IKEA
- 1.
merchant bent on achieving world domination via the curious tactic of gradually making every living room in the world identical.
- 2.
an Axis partner of Starbucks; the new Swedish Gestapo theorizes that hopped up people will be more readily assimilated.
- illegal
- 1.
describing that which can be used against a person through threat of public revelation by anyone else, especially an officer of the law.
- 2.
describing that which can be made up about a person by anyone else, especially an officer of the law.
- 3.
condescending parental tips, where refusal is punishable by law; the government’s high-horse; your ass in a napkin.
- IM, instant message
- 1.
the revenge of the lonely and insecure, violently visited upon any poor wretch with an answering machine who doesn’t mind being out of contact with all the leaves of his address book for so much as an hour.
- 2.
in the workplace: the equivalent of unwanted company appearing at your desk when you’re on a deadline, and then reappearing, and then asking if you’re paying attention, then popping back around to ask if you saw that cute picture of kittens that went around the office yesterday, then checking in to see if you got the email he just sent you, and then reappearing at your desk just to smile, and then asking where the work is that you’re supposed to be done with.
- imagination
-
premeditated fear.
- imagine
-
to shirk one’s duty to the moment.
- immigrant
-
someone initially arriving in the United States with hopes of obtaining some pretty exceptional carrots.
- important
-
in speech and debate, one “er” sound away from “impotent.”
- impotence
-
the incapability of achieving an erection, occurring at some point in well over half all human male lives; what a bunch of pathetic freaks.
- inaffectual
-
lacking the instincts to nurture or be nurtured; existing without any love.
- inappropriate
-
[we invite the reader to consult other tomes in this case as it should be obvious by now this lexicographer has no sense of the term.]
- incest
- 1.
to engage in sexual concourse with a blood relative; an horrific crime against God and man.
- 2.
as related in Genesis, the primary way in which mankind came to cover the globe, done at the express behest of the creator Himself.
- independence
- 1.
foot stomping; denying the existence of those closest.
- 2.
Thomas Paine’s most famous drink recipe dictated to Thomas Jefferson, read by William Shatner, filmed by Leni Riefenstahl on her 100th birthday, and scored to the tune of some Nazi march or another.
- 3.
inconsideration; insensitivity.
- Independence Day
- 1.
a colorful American festivity taking place the day after a hugely celebrated British holiday, known as “Dependence Day.”
- 2.
the date of the marked realization that external forces no longer held power over American territory, so we’d have to find a way of torching it ourselves.
- individualism
-
misanthropy in a suit jacket.
- induced labor
-
the process of medicinally speeding the delivery of a child, typically via the administration of highly concentrated synthetic oxytocin which artificially, and with tremendously increased pain for the mother, brings rapid onset of labor; recent studies indicate a nearly 1:1 correlation between the frequency of induced labor and Obstetrics department scheduling conflicts with reservations at the Links.
- influenza
-
also the flu; a disease which once wiped out 75,000,000 lives in the space of a year now sends the sky crashing down when the winter funeral count exceeds the price of gasoline.
- inner-city
-
polite language for ghetto; where whites or landed Asians live in a city, it’s called Uptown or Downtown, whichever is furthest from the inner-city.
- innocence
-
the state of switching the radio to a classic rock station with perked up ears.
- innocent
- 1.
rich; literally, born rich.
- 2.
one whose televised conviction may cause riots.
- 3.
one who can count the number of people one slept with without dialing around the country for help.
- Inquisition, the
- 1.
an historical example of reality entertainment.
- 2.
a plot by Jewish ringleaders to gain sympathy for their evil Zionist plans.
- insomnia
-
a mild but common mental disease occurring in towns lacking all night druggists and liquorterias.
- insult
-
the cherry on top of the injury—save it for last.
- integration
- 1.
the vigorous mixing of oil and water.
- 2.
bussing children six to twenty miles from home in the name of social reform and trying to forget about them for eight hours at a time; abandonment.
- 3.
a clever recipe for cultural enhancement which has been swishing around in the mouths of the board of education every so often since the nineteen seventies; to be spat out upon detection of one flavor in particular: the increased need for a competent staff.
- integrity
-
Found no words searching on: integrity.
- intellectual
- 1.
silly; pointless.
- 2.
without an audience.
- intelligent design
-
a theory of life and existence based on the idea that only a super intelligence could have conceived of anything as complex and beautiful as diarrhea or herpes.
compare with evolution.
- interesting
-
the most harsh word of art criticism so far found.
compare with clever.
- Internet
-
an international pornography distribution network built by the US government for use in the event nuclear war might make it too dangerous to get to the smut stand.
- Internet shut-in
-
one who has discovered that the national news media are not only biased but always 2 days behind Yahoo and the Drudge Report, that the local grocer cannot compete with the exotic selections of hundreds of online food sources, that all shopping can be completed without the interference of rude or ignorant clerks, and that a print magazine of pornography has a few dozen images at best while entering the most modest of lewd terms on Google will fetch you 50,000 or so.
- Internet widow
-
a wife whose husband spends so much time viewing Internet porn that he may as well be dead.
- internity
-
compound term, Internet + eternity; describing the quality of longevity inherent in one’s online faux pas and misadventures into bashing employers, potential or current.
- interrobang
-
to emphatically inquire of a typesetter whether he or she wishes to engage in sexual intercourse.
- intriguing
-
a problem which has no possible solution.
- invitation
- 1.
that which is assumed by men and expected by women.
- 2.
a vampire’s—or Senator’s—means of entry.
- Iraq
-
the new entrant in the Domino for the Decade Pageant; past winners include Vietnam and Korea, with honorable mention going to Iran.
- Irishman
-
A Scotsman from the isle of Eire.
- irrationality
-
a quality which is feared in love, abhorred in politics, tolerated in the workplace, and revered upon the Sabbath.
- Islamic militant
-
a type of violent fanatic who will use any means at his or her disposal toward his or her ends, including terrorism, rape, arson, the murder of children, the training of children to murder, the sacrifice of children, ad nauseam; the Islamic militant differs primarily from other flavors of militant fanatics in that it is Islamic.
- ISP
-
Inevitable Sucker Punch; Insane Service Premium; Instant Sales Plan; IT Sucks Peckers; Initially Sort-of Performed; It Spams Perpetually; and so on.
- Israel
-
West Palestine.
- IT
- 1.
not just it, nor It, but IT; the thing that must not be named.
- 2.
Cthulhu.
- IUD
- 1.
a torture device invented to counter the liberation of women from bras.
- 2.
any male sex organ in excess of 11 inches.
- 3.
car keys.
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