- lamprey
- 1.
an animal that spends its life sucking—but in a bad way.
- 2.
a similar type of higher mammal which must suck for sustenance; this species is most often observed at casting calls and in deserted board rooms.
- largesse
-
generosity in giving; e.g., “Jennifer Lopez’s charity work shows her largesse.”
- late fee
-
a price one must occasionally pay to one’s bill-collectors for the privilege of having one’s payday scheduled by his employer.
- latté
-
espresso for girls.
see also, espresso.
- law
-
with banking and medicine one of the three crown jewels of Judaism.
- law of the jungle, the
-
an all-purpose, appeal-proof statute which codifies everything from the proper time and place for flinging feces to the sixteen best reasons to kill; the legislation is remarkable especially because it was written using only the letters c, g, a, and t.
- lawsuit
-
how those with something to lose settle a dispute.
- leper
-
a musician who expects to be paid.
- lesbian
- 1.
a beautiful, gracious, sexy, intelligent woman who has made a devastatingly poor lifestyle choice.
- 2.
an unappealing, clumsy, dim woman with hygiene issues who has made an enlightened lifestyle choice.
- letter
-
archaic, the pre-computer-age habit of writing upon pulped wood with a hand operated stylus and ink; and the subsequent analog transmission of the data contained therein via human and mechanical agency.
- Lexus
- 1.
the sign by which the aristocracy will be recognized during the Great Guillotine Revival of the late 21st century.
- 2.
the unpublished masterpiece by Henry Miller detailing step by step how to convince young girls to let one stick candles in their anuses.
- liar
-
one who is basically honest but is on other occasions a useless waste of skin.
- Liberia
-
a country in Africa founded for and by black American expatriates; a chance to demonstrate their innate superiority to the white man by denying the right to vote to their own Negroes for fully 76 years longer.
- Libertarian
- 1.
a political curiosity; a person whose political view consists of knowing what’s right and then closing one’s eyes.
compare with Democrat and Republican.
- 2.
a Druid; a political kamikaze; a harmlessly unelectable psychopath.
- lick
- 1.
to heal a wound.
- 2.
to defeat an enemy.
- 3.
to appease a spouse.
- 4.
to garner a promotion.
- lie
- 1.
to utter something untrue; as the Master teaches us, lies come in many levels: fib, white lie, lie, out and out lie, damn lie, goddamn lie, and statistics.
- 2.
to speak about one’s career.
- 3.
to speak to one’s lover.
see also data.
- Limbaugh, Rush
- 1.
a clinical dietitian whose has advanced a fantastically successful theory of weight-loss, being prescription narcotics block appetite every bit as effectively as heroin and opium; more at pill-popper.
- 2.
a philosopher who has proposed an enlightened theory of segregation, namely black drug abusers in prison, white drug abusers on the radio.
see also radio disc jockey.
- linguist
- 1.
from the Latin for tongue, lingua; a tonguer, one who tongues.
- 2.
one whose skill with the tongue is, sadly, rather limited to enunciation.
- Linux
-
a little-known character from the Asterix and Obelix novels whose fictitious fame rests on his proclivity for diddling penguins.
- literally
-
the sound a human rectum makes when trying to pronounce the word “figuratively.”
- live
- 1.
to be alive, have life.
- 2.
to be single.
- 3.
to exhibit zest, vim, or vigor in.
- 4.
to be single and male.
- living
-
the process of attaching unpleasant memories to geographic coordinates.
- locomotive
-
a compound Spanish-Latin term describing the reasons why one does anything.
- LOL
-
Internet acronym, Lick or Lube.
- Lollapalooza
-
a touring music show of various alternative artists that went bust for the last time in 2004; the fact that they could not sell tickets with a lineup of cutting edge virtuosi—including Morrissey, the Flaming Lips, the String Cheese Incident, Le Tigre, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, and the Pixies—is a sad and damning testimony against how little young people appreciate the rare remaining musical artists who have the ability to remain simultaneously dated, pretentious, and beggarly.
see also punk and alternative.
- lonely
- 1.
describing one of a thoughtful, or philosophically balanced nature.
- 2.
a Californian on the East Coast.
- 3.
a musician in the Western Hemisphere.
- 4.
a writer, in the company of others.
- 5.
any American in a foreign country who is capable of speaking and understanding the native tongue.
- long distance relationship
- 1.
according to a certain wise Mexican cliché translated literally, “for pussies.”
- 2.
an agonizing project of ungodly phone bills and endless lacking.
- 3.
a lesson that’ll slap you in the face mercilessly every time you let your guard down until someone either breaks it off or moves to suit the other one’s weather preferences.
- longing
- 1.
having a lack of appreciation for one’s current environment, however shitty.
- 2.
a sure sign of the ability to distinguish colors, especially shades of green.
- Los Angeles
- 1.
Magic Mountain.
- 2.
Disneyland.
- 3.
a bigger dick waiting to break off in your naive little “I think I want to be in show business” mumbling ass than you can possibly imagine.
see Hell.
- lottery
-
a tax on stupidity.
- love
-
descriptive n, a state of perpetual apology; enfeebled.
- love-letter
-
evidence.
- Lowest Common Denominator
- 1.
a philosophical expression which tries to capture the best sentiment mankind contains–no one gets left behind—but ends up necessitating its opposite: everyone will have to be.
- 2.
all compromise.
- loyal
- 1.
repaying ashes with timber; foolish; shamed.
see also faith.
- 2.
whooped.
- ludicrous
-
business term meaning “temptingly plausible.”
- lunch
-
what people in California are claiming to be doing while running around on one another shamelessly.
see also breakfast and dinner.
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