- pager
- 1.
a simple service to receive calls, costing an average of eight dollars a month to keep, which has somehow come to imply a superlative income.
- 2.
an employer’s homing device, useful in commanding only the most pigeon-like employees.
- Paglia, Camille
- 1.
one of ten living women who deserves to be allowed to carry an unlicensed vagina–the other nine will not be described here; they do not include Madonna, nor Hillary Clinton.
- 2.
the only college woman still worthy to arouse a male editor’s sexual desire and devotion who is, quite predictably, a lesbian.
- pain
- 1.
knowledge.
- 2.
intelligence.
- 3.
love; especially when combined with meanings 1 and 2 above.
- Palestine
-
South Central Israel.
- paranoid
-
describing one with the ability to read thoughts and predict the future.
- parenthood
-
a cowl which is intended to impart automatic wisdom to the wearer but is typically nothing more than an 18 year badge of karma.
- Paris
-
a well-lighted, fantastically beautiful pay-toilet, with uncharacteristically unappreciative attendants.
- park
-
to fornicate; e.g., “Let’s park.”
- parthenogenesis
- 1.
spontaneous reproduction via an unfertilized female gamete.
- 2.
the militant feminist lesbian’s wet-dream.
- passionate
- 1.
immature; petty.
- 2.
psychopathic; obsessive; dangerous.
- passive-aggressive
-
an oxymoron; you would “think” so.
- Passover
-
the holiday that appropriately reminds us of God’s attitude toward the children of non-believers.
- patience
-
what one is encouraged to have while others enjoy what one has not.
- patriot
-
literally, one who loves and supports his or her fatherland—hence the sweet and fitting Latin, pro patria mori; a notable rush of patriotism occurred in Europe c 1938 and a renaissance has finally made its way to the American shores.
see also the Patriot Act.
- Patriot Act, the
- 1.
the missing act in the American play; more at patriot.
- 2.
a legal act to allow extended powers of warrant and interoperability to new and differing branches of law enforcement as well as to provide sufficient funds for the purchase of enough matches to cover every copy of the US Bill of Rights extant.
- peace
-
the opposite of entropy; a system that exchanges no energy; death.
- pedant
-
a political reformist whose chief goal is the lowering of the voting majority from 51% to 3%.
more at pedantic.
- pedantic
-
courteous; helpful; friendly.
more at pedant.
- pedophilia
-
the deviant and usually exclusive sexual desire for children–modern techniques for combatting pedophilia include adult women shaving their genitals as bald as 4 year-olds’ so as to confuse the pedophile into committing normal sexual intercourse–to what degree this confusion affects non-pedophiles remains to be scientifically determined.
- peer pressure
-
to cause capitulation in another by a harsh and steady gaze.
- pen name
-
a cynical attempt to improve one’s book sales through the adoption of a popular ethnicity or the masking of an unpopular one.
related term, stage name.
- penis
-
the prime ingredient in all Chinese pharmacology.
- Perfidy
-
a girl’s name especially popular in New Mexico.
- performance review
-
a corporate masturbation-vengeance fantasy wherein each employee’s secret ability to single-handedly support and save the company surfaces along side the less flattering revelations about co-workers.
- periodical
-
a monthly publication describing in gruesome detail what kinds of tragedies have occurred as a result of various women’s monthly cycles taking hold; notorious headlines include, “It Could’ve Been Such a Fun Trip,” and, “Political Debate Leads to Liberal Man’s Balls on Flagpole—Republican Wife Shows No Remorse.”
- perl hacker
-
hacker lite.
more at hacker.
- persuade
- 1.
to provide Rohypnol surreptitiously.
- 2.
to encourage another to take your view by reminding him of something he told you which he wasn’t supposed to.
- 3.
to display the rifling of one’s sidearm for intimate examination.
- pervert
-
anyone who has typed “sphincter” into a search engine while not engaged in medical research.
- PETA
-
acronym, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals; a group concerned with even the tragic slave labor honey bees endure in servitude to mankind; one hopes PETA will never discover even smaller animals exist, lest we lose our moral privilege to consume yogurt, tap water, and the organic vegetables filled with more insects than a bucket of malathion could have prevented anyway.
- petting zoo
-
junior high.
- PhD
-
pronounced Fudd, a type of educational certificate indicative of the years of study afforded by a pronounced or pathological inability to socialize.
- Philbin, Regis
- 1.
TV’s formidable enemy to stock-holders in hair-dye, tanning salons, and Viagra.
- 2.
one whose taste in women outlines the personality of a castrati that would’ve been gay if his genitalia had made it to puberty.
- 3.
a wit-free yet cheerful freak of upper-class nature which, having been born into money somehow came to assume that he’s capable of… hey wait a minute, what the fuck does this guy do anyway?
- philosophy
- 1.
business.
- 2.
any string of rationalizations used to justify unconscionable actions.
- 3.
a type of system-building logic rooted upon the following axiom: A is true if B is true if A is true, etc.
- Phoenix
- 1.
a city lacking natural water supplies where average temperatures climb above 100°F on a regular basis.
- 2.
a suburban area with a half acre of grass in front of every white retiree’s house.
- 3.
a legendary bird about as likely to rise from the ashes as the town which bears its name.
- photo-journalist
-
a type of journalist who does most of his reporting photographically; the photo-journalist is distinguished as a higher moral form of the journalist as a photo-journalist wouldn’t stand by and let someone die just to get a story, unless he had his camera out already.
- Photoshop
-
step 3 on the list, “How to Make a Million Dollars Online,” with steps 1 and 2 involving photographs of the bodies of one’s favorite porn stars and headshots of Britney Spears and Jennifer Love-Hewitt.
- physical therapy
- 1.
payments made on an account long in arrears with accompanying surcharges and late payment penalties.
- 2.
similar garnishments cruelly attached to an account shortchanged at the moment of issuance.
- physician
- 1.
high falutin talk for doctor.
- 2.
a type of doctor who has taken the Hippocratic oath, though a visit or phone call to any North American physician today suggests it has been supplanted by the Hypocritic.
- Picasso, Pablo
- 1.
a painter whose chief claim to fame is the 20,000 illustrations he contributed to the international edition of “The Emperor’s New Clothes.”
- 2.
an asshole.
- 3.
Italian: Pi’cazzo.
- picky
-
regarding food or sex: starving.
- pig-fucker
- 1.
a severe exclamation of profanity.
- 2.
an interesting thought.
- 3.
a euphemism of fig plucker.
- 4.
a native of Montana.
compare to monkey-fucker.
- pill-popper
-
a middle or upper-class drug addict; one who compulsively checks that there are enough doses left in one’s bottle of Vicodin to last till the next round of begging with the newly referred physician.
- pillow-talk
-
the muffled pleas for mercy sometimes overheard in federally managed retirement homes short of bed-space.
- pimp
-
a man who has been taught to fish.
compare with john.
- pipe-cleaner
-
one who raids pipes for the little bit of marijuana sometimes left inside; a heartless thief.
- player
-
one whose looks, cashflow, or vehicle overpower the potential of getting a few minor cuts and bruises or a venereal disease or two.
- pluck
- 1.
v, an action natural to guitar players.
- 2.
n, a quality alien to guitar players.
- poet
- 1.
a middle-aged housewife who has discovered that writing a novel is more difficult than Harlequin’s back catalog might lead one to conclude; more at mother.
- 2.
an affected and overly sensitive young man who has discovered a field in which he will never face harsh judgement as no one in the world reads poetry and will ever see his work; more at relativity, genius, and suicide.
- 3.
a tone-deaf rapper.
compare with rapper
- point-blank
-
a journalism term meaning in the same room as or within 50 feet of.
- pointless
- 1.
anything which makes sense.
- 2.
self-expression.
- 3.
virtual publication.
more at love.
- police officer
-
formal, see cop.
- policy
-
a law, rule, or practice constructed for the convenience of visitors, citizen, or employees; e.g., “Widespread use of policies helped to make the Nazis so successful.”
- polite
- 1.
describing the behavior of one in the presence of his or her manager.
- 2.
responding to any question regarding the whereabouts of an object by stating that if it were up the enquirer’s ass, he’d know.
- politically correct
- 1.
diplomatic; asinine.
- 2.
referring only to those racial and sexual groups not represented in present company as superlative; reverse elitism.
see also therapeutically correct.
- politician
-
a termite in the scaffolding of the Constitution.
- politics
-
the art or science of government, which is itself defined as the control of art and science, thus establishing a logic puzzle capable of causing Zeno of Elea’s head to explode.
- pool boy
-
a term created for rounding out a particular SAT analogy: pool boy is to housewife as Mexican maid is to _____________.
- poor
- 1.
lower-middle classed.
- 2.
middle classed.
- 3.
in America, one with an income of less than $14,000 per year–in Southeast Asia one with an income of less than $14 per year.
- pop music
-
a genre of music named for the sound it makes as it disappears.
- popular
-
your mother on Saturday night.
- populism
-
the Lowest Common Denominator as a political plank.
- porch nigger
- 1.
an expression used exclusively by a black man to describe another black man with whom he disagrees upon the time of day; part of the beauty and power of the expression lies in the fact that it can be pronounced, “house slave,” but still make the same point—you’re not black enough—without the shit-storm that would accompany public usage of the unadorned term.
- 2.
one who believes the open container law applies neither to one’s front porch, nor to beer sold in forty ounce bottles.
see also, white trash.
- pork
-
to fornicate; e.g., “Let’s pork.”
- poser
-
one who spells poser, “poseur.”
- pot addict
-
a nefarious individual who uses an instantly addictive mind altering drug known as marijuana; pot addicts will lie, cheat, steal, and even kill to support this addiction.
see also cocaine addict.
- practice
- 1.
something perfect but not yet…
- 2.
that which has been practiced to within a tolerance…
- 3.
the road to perfection, paved with… something funny.
- 4.
that which is best done, like all filthy and clumsy acts, in private; for a practical demonstration see 1-3 above.
- pregnant
-
sown; loaded.
- preposition
-
the thing to never end a sentence with.
- Presidential candidate
- 1.
a dish on the Chinese menu of politics; the offerings being one from column A) Pork, or one from column B) Vegetable.
- 2.
a six-stringed marionette, the technical terms for the strings being law lobby, NRA, pharmaceutical money, Tobacco, minority leader kick-backs, and defense contractors.
- pretentious
-
skinning a dead man whom you’ve plagiarized and wearing the pelt to your new book signing.
- prison
- 1.
a government funded system for integration and homosexual sympathy enforcement focusing on Afro and Latin Americans in poverty.
- 2.
a similar system focusing on white bankers run afoul of the law where golf and weekends off for good behavior are substituted for daily anal penetration.
- private property
-
a long time staple of American folklore which probably originates from Western European mythology.
more at Eminent Domain.
- probable cause
- 1.
legal term meaning there is reasonable evidence for taking unusual action such as stopping and searching you without a warrant, tearing out the upholstery of your automobile’s seats, kneeling on the back of your neck with a Glock in your ear, et cetera.
- 2.
legal term meaning just about anything the fertile imagination of a police officer who doesn’t like the looks of you might cook up.
- procrastinate
-
[definition pending]
- producer
- 1.
a schmooze artist who has had surgery to destroy the part of the brain which governs shame.
- 2.
the revolting combination of big-shot and suck-up which is sent skipping along Hollywood’s party scene with a wad of cash and an ounce of coke, plus a memo in his khaki coat pocket which reminds him of his only purpose: “Make sure nothing too fresh hits the screen.”
- progress
-
sustained betterment; improved development over time; e.g., “There was a time in the United States when merely being a black man in the wrong place could get you killed, while today a white man in the wrong place can be killed, now that’s progress.”
- progressive
-
adj, describing the politics of the 1930s.
- project manager
-
a secretary who has taken a Microsoft Access tutorial.
- promise
-
an abundant commodity in most larders—the buyer is most strongly advised to check the expiry date prior to consumption.
- promotion
-
a signpost reading, “Welcome to Success! Now Leaving Success!”
- propaganda
-
pro-pagan; that which extols or advances the causes of polytheism, animism, or spiritism.
- property
-
the informal name of the following classical logical proof: the grass is always greener on the other side; one has a right to green grass; therefore the grass on the other side is mine—since the mid 1960s the proof is rhetorically shortened to that grass is mine.
- prophet
-
one who raves doom often enough to ensure he’s ignored until such time as the ravings happen to coincide with some terrible event.
- prostitution
-
employment; the state of being employed.
- protect
- 1.
to act with the awareness of one’s temporary need for another.
- 2.
a governmental term meaning to frighten into hiding and spending; also, protect and serve, wherein the conclusion to the fright and credit debt is being served with a warrant for one’s arrest.
- protest
- 1.
a public declaration of dissenting opinion or objection.
- 2.
the new treason.
- Proteus
-
an early Greek role model for all modern politicians.
- proud
- 1.
not at all or only very slightly ashamed.
- 2.
able to suppress the blush response.
- Prozac
- 1.
a mood balancing drug manufactured by the Pfizer company.
- 2.
the third sign of the Apocalypse.
- public-transport
- 1.
an atrocity.
- 2.
a poor-man’s overpriced, exceedingly crowded and uncomfortable, dangerous, sticky, severely time restricted, outrageously undependable stretch limousine.
- 3.
a means of annually patronizing the physically handicapped by spending wildly on any new technology available, without actually accommodating them any better than the previous year; a monopolized business, obscurely owned, which cripples its service for publicity; a masturbatory corporation run by feeble-minded, out of touch senior citizens and lunatics.
- pun
- 1.
a kind of humor acknowledged by most as low brow.
- 2.
the most common literary device in the work of Shakespeare.
- punchline
- 1.
saying “nice tits” to a female body builder.
- 2.
saying “nice tits” to a male body builder.
- punishment
-
an editorial job for a writer, an art history job for a painter, a production job for an actor; all describing the impetus for the bile, animosity and control issues natural to the aforementioned careers.
- punk
- 1.
in prison parlance, a sister.
- 2.
a music genre once filled with sincere and original voices, unconcerned with musical mastery, advocating the tearing down of a bilious and carcinogenic society, now a music form primarily concerned with frat parties and the Japanese teen club circuit.
- 3.
one who aggressively overestimates his own ability to disrupt social order, as the sincerely dangerous rarely shout about it from street corners and crappy little bars.
- pursued
-
uninterested.
- pursuit
-
harassment.
- pusher
-
a freelance pharmacologist.
|
Own the
original, The
Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary
Own
the original, The
Devil’s Dictionary (thrift edition)
