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Devil’s 
Dictionary X Daily Definitions XML
Devil’s Dictionary X™
The Devil’s Dictionary X now has 1,268 terms defined!
Original Devil’s Dictionary Own the original, The Devil’s Dictionary (thrift edition)
Newest definitions — The Devil’s Dictionary X™-----------------------
PhD
pronounced Fudd, a type of educational certificate indicative of the years of study afforded by a pronounced or pathological inability to socialize.
Philbin, Regis
1. TV’s formidable enemy to stock-holders in hair-dye, tanning salons, and Viagra.
2. one whose taste in women outlines the personality of a castrati that would’ve been gay if his genitalia had made it to puberty.
3. a wit-free yet cheerful freak of upper-class nature which, having been born into money somehow came to assume that he’s capable of... hey wait a minute, what the fuck does this guy do anyway?
philosophy
1. business.
2. any string of rationalizations used to justify unconscionable actions.
3. a type of system-building logic rooted upon the following axiom: A is true if B is true if A is true, etc.
Phoenix
1. a city lacking natural water supplies where average temperatures climb above 100°F on a regular basis.
2. a suburban area with a half acre of grass in front of every white retiree’s house.
3. a legendary bird about as likely to rise from the ashes as the town which bears its name.
photo-journalist
a type of journalist who does most of his reporting photographically; the photo-journalist is distinguished as a higher moral form of the journalist as a photo-journalist wouldn’t stand by and let someone die just to get a story, unless he had his camera out already.
Photoshop
step 3 on the list, “How to Make a Million Dollars Online,” with steps 1 and 2 involving photographs of the bodies of one’s favorite porn stars and headshots of Britney Spears and Jennifer Love-Hewitt.
physical therapy
1. payments made on an account long in arrears with accompanying surcharges and late payment penalties.
2. similar garnishments cruelly attached to an account shortchanged at the moment of issuance.
physician
1. high falutin talk for doctor.
2. a type of doctor who has taken the Hippocratic oath, though a visit or phone call to any North American physician today suggests it has been supplanted by the Hypocritic.
Picasso, Pablo
1. a painter whose chief claim to fame is the 20,000 illustrations he contributed to the international edition of “The Emperor’s New Clothes.”
2. Italian: Pi’cazzo.
3. an asshole.
picky
regarding food or sex: starving.
pig-fucker
1. a severe exclamation of profanity.
2. an interesting thought.
3. a native of Montana.
compare to monkey-fucker.
4. a euphemism of fig plucker.
pill-popper
a middle or upper-class drug addict; one who compulsively checks that there are enough doses left in one’s bottle of Vicodin to last till the next round of begging with the newly referred physician.
pillow-talk
the muffled pleas for mercy sometimes overheard in federally managed retirement homes short of bed-space.
pimp
a man who has been taught to fish.
compare with john.
pipe-cleaner
one who raids pipes for the little bit of marijuana sometimes left inside; a heartless thief.
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