- race guilt
- 1.
a race that never ends.
- 2.
an assemblage of self-reproaches of various colors brought together to see which can complete a course in the speediest time and thereby be declared the winner.
- racist
-
one who races.
- radio
- 1.
the highly standardized Styrofoam packaging for music which has been bought into the ranks of popularity by the artists’ management.
- 2.
a broadcast forum based upon the supremacy of good music, allowing it is exactly 3 minutes and 20 seconds long; format.
see also radio disc jockey.
- radio disc jockey
- 1.
a conservative freak; Republican politics dipped in nonsense and surrounded by hype; a walking gimmick.
- 2.
a witless punk imitating David Letterman; an asshole.
- 3.
traditionally, one with a strong voice who knows nothing about rock music.
- raghead
- 1.
an epithet generally directed at those who habitually wear rags on their heads.
compare to jarhead.
- 2.
the illy-considered remark that got Jemima’s nephew Jasper thrown out of her house on his can.
- Rall, Ted
- 1.
a pen name for Noam Chomsky which is in turn a pen name for Studs Terkel which was the maiden name of Joseph Stalin.
- 2.
a modern American renaissance man whose overwhelming contribution to fine art is equaled only by his monumentally insightful essays.
- Rand, Ayn
- 1.
a Russian Jew who is best known for being an American atheist.
- 2.
a writer who espoused a philosophy of unabashed and absolute individualism, thus starting the most massive wave of apple-polishing the bootlickers of the world have enjoyed in decades.
more at Objectivism.
- random search
- 1.
in airports, the periodical bag and body search, with accompanying high doses of bone piercing X-rays, which happens to fall on people of ethnicity or those dressed unconventionally with an astronomical consistency which is now being used by statisticians to prove modern theories which would seem to indicate that you bureaucratic security fucks are a bunch of slithering fucking liars.
- 2.
on the highway, a search of a man and his vehicle if he has a broken tail-light and is also unfortunate enough to be black or have longish hair.
- rap
- 1.
the first truly original form of music to become popular since a little band called The Beatles.
- 2.
detailed blueprints to violent crimes committed and monstrously misogynistic deeds accomplished.
- 3.
a huge vat of sterile puke slung mercilessly into the public ear by way of radio, TV commercials, insultingly mediocre cinema, and brain-washed peers.
- rape
- 1.
the Biblical term meaning marriage.
- 2.
post King David and pre-1980: any non-consensual sex.
- 3.
post-1980: all sex where consent forms have not been filled out and notarized.
- 4.
the prison term meaning marriage.
- rapist
-
one who rapes; the raped being historically referred to as rapee, though the related employee is gaining in popular usage.
- rapper
- 1.
an overproduced ghetto poet.
- 2.
a salesman of hypnotic, inane self-absorption and rationalizations of depravity; one who believes strongly in oneself, one’s temporary clique of party-time friends, and, sometimes, God; a glamorized asshole.
- Rapture, the
-
the joyous rising to Heaven which the 144,000 best Christians will experience upon the onset of the world’s end; thus far 75 generations of the faithful have missed the date in favor of providing nutrition for nematodes but the living hold out hope we’ll all die together soon so they may see God’s face and the rest of us can take our rightful place in Hell serving the Devil iced tea during a 10 minute damnation break each millennium.
- rather
-
a word used in Britain for quaintness (e.g., “rather pointless“), in college papers for contrast, and by children to express which fast food chain they would prefer.
- rave
-
an open-air version of the early 1970s marketed to children.
- reach
-
just shy of the minimum distance one is safe to vocalize truth.
- reading
-
one of the seven lost arts along with letter writing, conversation, good diction, responsibility, rational thought, and foreplay.
- Reagan, Ronald
- 1.
one whose fateful election to US Presidency detoured what might have been a successful and appropriate career as the recurring bad guy on The Muppet Show.
- 2.
one whose horrible, intellectually debilitating disease turned out to be the nicest thing anyone could think to say about him.
- Reaganomics
-
a national economic policy wherein the rich are given incentives to make more money and to urinate on the poor, this was meant to produce the secondary effect called trickle down; syn voodoo economics.
see also Ronald Reagan.
- real estate
- 1.
a business estate; as opposed to the imaginary kinds of estates which artists hold.
- 2.
land owned by banks and inhabited by dreamers.
- 3.
a language of 2,000 words—chosen at random from French, Latin and Middle English—which is as absent of rules and logic as it is controlled by the few who speak it; pidgin phrases understood by laymen include “Sign here” and “Initials please.”
- reality television
- 1.
the most outright contradiction in terms to be introduced to America’s vocabulary since the government started its “War is Peace” campaign via Fox News.
- 2.
non-actors acting out parts unwritten by non-writers; professional amateurism.
- 3.
what can make it to the airwaves when everyone at a television network except the marketing department goes on vacation at the same time.
- 4.
video surveillance equal in cost and entertainment value to the playback from a convenience store camera, but for a severe drawback on the television version, that being the insertion of vomitus dialog.
- rebel
- 1.
a pretender to the throne of non-conformity; one who smokes.
- 2.
a quasi-militant activist whose apparent passion rarely to occasionally gets him laid.
- 3.
a rock musician or junkie who is destined either for commercial failure or to becoming a Republican; an opportunistic low-life who will continue to bum cigarettes into and beyond the point of multi-billion dollar wealth; a fuckwad.
- rebuff
-
to make shiny again; to shine.
- rebuke
-
a siren’s beckoning song.
see also no.
- recession
- 1.
a depression with half the media coverage, and only ten percent of the successful suicides as an actual depression–Depression Lite!™
- 2.
a temporary regression, or near miss; the act of typing the name of one’s ex into a search engine, without then pressing <return>.
- 3.
getting beaten up badly on a school playground after having already graduated from the school in question.
- reconciliation
- 1.
the act of reconciling; restoration of friendship often through admission of fault or willingness to compromise.
- 2.
now go home and get your fucking shine box.
- recount
-
a political process wherein a candidate and his party realize that they undercheated during the initial vote.
- regret
- 1.
the aftertaste of anticipation.
- 2.
the gift that keeps giving.
- 3.
the main stock in the larder of most ants and many fewer grasshoppers.
- relationship
- 1.
a penile and clitoral ring on either end of a convenience chain.
- 2.
an osmosis of bad moods.
- 3.
what most rap artists claim in verse to avoid at all cost, yet can rarely afford to live without financially.
- relativity
-
the theory purporting a poet to be the most important thing in the universe.
- relic
-
the physical remains, usually petrified, of someone holy or sainted; e.g., the nipples of Mary Magdalene, the cup containing the first menses of Helen of Troy, and King Solomon’s cock.
- religion
-
a grand joke which has had 10,000 years to tell by some of history’s greatest minds and still isn’t funny; synonym, magic.
- reluctance
-
the patina on well-weathered incompetence.
- reminisce
-
to become inebriated within reach of one’s high school annual.
- renigger
-
the act of emigrating to Liberia.
- Republican
- 1.
an American Fascist.
- 2.
one who buggers; a buggerer; a cross-dresser; one who owns automatic firearms; alt spelling, Republikaner.
compare with Democrat.
- repulse
- 1.
to show interest in, attraction to, or curiosity about a woman.
- 2.
to sleep with a man.
- rescind
-
to burn again; to be burned a second time.
- resolution
-
a special kind of lie told in the privacy of one’s own company.
- responsibility
-
confession; crying out; admission of guilt with the expectation of no further consequences in exchange for coming clean.
- reunion
-
synonym, reconstruction; antonym, antebellum.
- revenge
- 1.
American slang for karma.
- 2.
a sort of philosophical boomerang that once thrown will always return.
- revivalist
- 1.
a dick rider; one who rides another’s dick; [for clarification, see the hip-hop edition of this book].
- 2.
a plagiarist; e.g., a rewriter of dictionaries.
- 3.
an unnecessary and vulgar modernist patting himself on the back with a dead man’s dated soft-back lithographic publication intended for bathroom chuckles.
see also co-revivalist.
- right
- 1.
a blow struck with the stronger hand.
- 2.
that which when perfectly bisected yields two wrongs.
- ringleader
-
what any person who has friends becomes upon conviction of a crime.
- rock star
-
a charismatic binge-drinking pedophile in a tour-bus.
- romance
-
an area of study which disproves the theory that “mother always knows best.”
see also mother.
- romantic
- 1.
an immature cynic.
- 2.
an unrefined person; someone with little or no life experience.
- romanticism
- 1.
sarcasm; a scathing mockery of something considered, by someone, romantic.
- 2.
that which is easily mocked; the study of what is ridiculous.
- 3.
a vanished genre of literature which describes life not as it is but as it should be; literary sadism.
- roof
-
that which is meant to protect and shelter but which instead drenches, attracts plagues of rodents, and plunders home improvement loans.
- room-mate
- 1.
a manipulative head on a bundle of bones and muscles which can’t look you in the eye in the morning or admit to wishing you dead in the evening.
- 2.
a guilt dispenser; that which dispenses guilt.
- 3.
one who steals from your change jar at a rate of three to twenty dollars a year.
- Roosevelt, Eleanor
-
the last (read, “final”) great American President of the United States.
- Roosevelt, Franklin Delano
- 1.
usually abbreviated FDR; a differently abled US President who felt the need to share his physical condition by imposing it upon those he governed.
- 2.
the man who so terrified the rational citizens of his day that the very reasonable 22nd Amendment to the US Constitution passed soon after he did.
- 3.
the best case study to date demonstrating timing, sympathy, and famous kin are all it has ever taken.
- 4.
the poster-boy of revisionist history.
- 5.
a man whose tenure in New York State and US National government coincided nearly to the day with the start and the end of the of the Great Depression.
- royalty
-
consider a paperback at $6.95 sold at a 20-40% discount by major retailers, multiply by middling popularity in first run and then zero demand in second over-run that will have to be destroyed or returned to the publisher at the first-time author’s expense—now consider the 5% of the net profit that the author takes home in reward for several years of hard work and pain, and dealing with publishers and an uncaring agent—this is the royalty.
- RTFM
-
acronym, “read the fucking manual,” used almost exclusively by those whose diction, grammar, and spelling tend to demonstrate they could stand to RTFD.
- rumpus room
-
a positively disgusting way of saying, “game room.”
- Russian man
- 1.
basically your all-American, meat and potatoes kind of guy, with the potatoes being home-made vodka and the meat being the extra pounds he likes on his woman’s backside.
- 2.
one in doubt, who doesn’t want to rush into anything, such as an ending to a draggingly complex novel; e.g., Dostoevski, Tolstoy.
- résumé
- 1.
a targeted collection of lies.
- 2.
elaborate fabrications regarding one’s qualifications for sucking it up; a virtual make-over.
- 3.
an uncomfortable combing of one’s past for any events conveying: “I’m better than you deserve but have such low self-esteem that I’ll never bring it up during salary discussions.”
see also volunteer-work.
|
Own the
original, The
Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary
Own
the original, The
Devil’s Dictionary (thrift edition)
