- sacerdotal
- 1.
relating to anal sex; sexy; heavily indoctrinated in anal sex.
- 2.
relating to sex with children.
- safe ride
-
a concept developed by members of MADD and other anger management groups; it is based on the idea that the best possible place for a drunkard that can’t afford a cab is standing on some corner looking out for a fictional one.
more at drunk driver.
- sage-monkey
- 1.
member of a Southwestern community of people who live in tents among sagebrush plants.
- 2.
someone living on the cutting edge of liberal thought regarding personal hygiene and social responsibility.
- 3.
one whose diet of marijuana and psilocybin renders surprisingly few consequences, apart from unbrushable hair, bad teeth, a creeped-out perimeter of observers, and frequent trips to the slammer.
- salary
-
a poorly disguised manipulation of the word slavery.
- sane
- 1.
recently fallen out of love.
- 2.
characterized by the ability to foresee and understand cause and effect, like jumping off a building leading to death and denying the existence of God leading to happy and restful nights.
- Santa Claus
-
the champion of secular tyranny; the Agnostic’s answer to church-based behavioral modification techniques for children; training wheels for Jesus.
- Santa Fe
-
a town once populated by the children of the Conquistadors and the Pueblos known for its pure air, night skies, and hostility to gringos—now populated mostly by gringos and known for its queer art and the highest incidence of bubonic plague outside of the slums of Bombay.
- Santana, Carlos
- 1.
the name behind an ongoing series of guest appearances meant to constitute an original body of work, somehow.
- 2.
an old guy, surrounded by youth, who seems to like to make his guitar go, “weedle weedle,” at the ends of songs for some reason.
- 3.
classic rock guitarist known for an overplayed song called “Black Magic Woman.” It isn’t bad. He didn’t write it.
- Santorum, Rick
-
a Senator with obsessive-compulsive disorder regarding the proper placement of ejaculate; he is rightly considered an expert on the topic having brought at least seven snarling mouths into the world through liberal application of his own.
related term, fuckwad.
- Sappho
- 1.
a Greek poet of the isle of Lesbos who has had a great deal of influence on modern feminism.
- 2.
a real pain the ass.
- Satan
-
the antithesis to the almighty God of Abraham and Passover, whose unspeakable evils range from teasing Jesus to giving unsound dietetic advice.
- satire
-
the clearing of one’s pipes—an intellectual replacement for a good nose blow, sneeze, orgasm, etc.
- satirist
-
one who behaves as a Satyr.
see also satyriasis.
- satisfaction
-
Chinese food for the soul.
- satyriasis
-
a medical condition causing an itch in constant need of scratching; psoriasis of the libido.
more at satyriasis.
- scale
-
minimum wage for actors, approximately 12 times the minimum wage for regular people having skills which society needs.
more at actor.
- Scientology
- 1.
a traveling sideshow based out of LA; Quakerism with a computer chip in its ass and a salesman on its breath; secular humanism wed to spiritism by a Catholic priest.
- 2.
the religion of the irreligious; the faith of moviestars.
- 3.
science and the suffix -ology mean approximately the same thing; proof that doubling a word can add to its impact; e.g., “dumb-dumb.”
- Scotland
-
the land of saints—birthplace of Scotch.
- seasonal
-
a handy word for the hotel industry, which is relieved of paying its employees’ time and a half for working holidays; this sympathetic “seasonal industry” law was created as protection for employers who pull in about three hundred percent more profit than average during these “seasonal” periods.
- Seattle
- 1.
Jet City—hereafter minus jets.
- 2.
Seatown—neither a town nor on the sea.
- 3.
the Emerald City, take 2—somewhere between rain drenched poppy fields, androids, and electric sheep.
- 4.
eight months of winter rain and unemployment dying to teach your sorry Midwestern ass that Seasonal Affective Disorder is all that stands between you and meeting Kurt Cobain in person.
- security consultant
-
one who won’t pass the buck because he or she will refuse to accept it to begin with.
- sedition
-
the perfect grace between the window sill and the concrete.
- segregationist
-
one who has fathered a mixed-race child and is extremely interested in keeping the mother from meeting his wife.
- self-help
- 1.
a new language, exactly like American English, but excluding the Accusative Case.
- 2.
what most advice from friends will correctly amount to one turning to.
- 3.
the only potentially reliable form of help.
- self-image
- 1.
what your parents think about you.
- 2.
what your friends say about you.
- 3.
a portrait one paints with words like “character” and “soul,” to use as a replacement for the increasingly displeasing image presented each morning in one’s bathroom mirror.
- self-respect
- 1.
ambiguous feelings about one’s shortcomings.
- 2.
the ability to make inexcusable behavior perfectly coincide with black-out caliber drinking.
- 3.
narcissism.
compare with egoism.
- Semite
-
a Jew or Arab or any of their ancestral peoples; one term encompasses both as the rest of world can’t tell, nor has any interest in learning to tell, the difference.
- Senator
-
a member of the highest legislative body, the Senate; famous Senators include Bill Frist, Hillary Rodham Clinton, and Incitatus.
- sentimental
-
linguistics term meaning ornamental.
- serial killer
- 1.
one who feels liberated by his first kill, with a slight tendency toward anal retention; a serialist.
- 2.
a graduate of any creative writing program; a writer.
- 3.
a near graduate of any music program; a musicologist.
- 4.
a combination psychopath/crossword puzzle enthusiast, extroverted and self-actualized; some particularly successful examples are quoted on the back of Anthony Robbins’s latest books.
- server
- 1.
a machine which takes orders and if treated correctly returns files without errors.
- 2.
a person who takes orders and if treated correctly returns meals without loogies.
- Seven Deadly Sins, the
-
Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Wrath, Greed, and Sloth—found in Appendix B of the Not-So-Good Book alongside the seven potentially life-threatening character defects: Self-Confidence, Admiration, Hunger, Affection, Pique, Compensation, and Leisure.
compare with the Seven Heavenly Virtues.
- Seven Heavenly Virtues, the
-
a list of girl’s names—Faith, Hope, Charity, Fortitude, Justice, Temperance, and Prudence—to be hauled out when one is expecting and in need of a potent dose of public repentance.
compare with the Seven Deadly Sins.
- sex
-
an act which one never has to admit to unless it’s caught on video tape, or on plus-sized blue rayon.
- sexagenarian
-
what Viagra has turned droves of senior citizens into.
- sexual intercourse
-
a term which has the same meaning as the vulgar fuck but none of the impact; e.g., “Why don’t you go have sexual intercourse with yourself in the posterior!?”
- shallow
- 1.
how broke men refer to women that have no savior complex.
- 2.
how ugly women refer to men with a taste for pleasure of the senses.
- shame
-
the painful juncture of memory and sobriety.
- share
-
to offer something with the expectation it will be obsequiously refused.
- shark attack
- 1.
a triumphant I-told-you-so for all those afraid of the water.
- 2.
a backstage pass at a Vanilla Fudge concert.
- 3.
an event entirely less likely than being killed by a bee sting or lightning strike, but more often discussed in the news media than anything but felonious or topless celebrities.
- Shatner, William
-
an embarrassing proto-type of Christopher Walken reduced from Captain to Priceline whore.
- sheep-fucker
- 1.
a connoisseur of lanolin.
- 2.
a native of Colorado.
- shelter
- 1.
caller ID.
- 2.
Americana specified, ages fifteen to twenty five, Jack Daniel’s.
- 3.
a bomb shelter with enough marijuana to last Snoop Dog, Cheech and Chong and that guy from the carpet commercial who says, “I guarantee it,” into the next millennium.
- 4.
an intravenous ready hospital bed next to a six foot hole in the ground marked by a granite nametag alongside either a comfortably realistic life projection, or an utter lie.
- shiner
- 1.
a bruise, as from a punch to the face, or especially the eye; a “black eye,” “swollen temple,” or “broken jaw;” a scrap mark.
- 2.
a swollen zit set in an obvious place or so big as to stand out in a land-mine of acne; a Darwinian pimple.
- 3.
anyone who shines in a particular field: Duke Ellington, Emily Dickinson, the Zodiac Killer.
- sibling
- 1.
an aggressive competitor for unwanted affection.
- 2.
an ominous threat to one’s long abandoned family status.
- simplified
- 1.
idiot friendly; moron accessible; stupid literate; e.g., “We hope you enjoy our new simplified site navigation.”
- 2.
what remains of an animal after it has been skinned, gutted of nutritious organs, deboned, boiled, pulped, mixed with similarly prepared animals, and canned.
- 3.
pabulumized.
- single-handedly
-
describing how a thing is done when holding a magazine or a mouse in the other hand.
- sip
- 1.
a technique in saving money at bars, effective only after getting reasonably tanked at home.
- 2.
the infrequently considered third alternative to spit or swallow.
- sister
- 1.
a black woman.
- 2.
a prison “girl” friend.
- sit-com
- 1.
coked-up set-ups and wise cracks injected with doped-up canned laughter and applause.
- 2.
entertainment targeted at hospitals—specifically bed-ridden or paralyzed patients with no-one around to turn channels for them.
- 3.
a huge network bet regarding who will be the first to outdo “Three’s Company” for airtime mileage while running on empty.
- six pack
- 1.
common term for six cans of beer sold as a unit or a “pack.”
- 2.
the only difference between a super-model and your mother; more at beer goggles.
- skinhead
-
a white Black Panther with a retarded fashion sense.
- slander
-
v, to orally interpret the meaning of statistics.
- Slashdot
- 1.
the Mile 1 marker on the road out of Opiniontown, Assville, Hackston, Freaktropolis, and all points east of Lonely Friday Night City proper.
- 2.
a land populated with soft-scientists and unemployable engineers who spend day and night comparing opinions on how they could possibly be out of work when they are so goddamn smart about everything while vying for top spot in the never-ending battle between esoteric fanaticism and torpid reliance on The Simpsons for signature block of the week.
- slave
- 1.
from the middle Latin for Slavic, showing slavery’s rich Western roots are grounded in a lack of regard for skin color or, if anything, a preference for white meat.
- 2.
the charms affixed to the end of a master’s chain.
compare to master.
- sleep
-
the relative or temporary absence of insomnia.
- sleeplessness
-
the state of mind beginning when one realizes that one’s futon mattress is in desperate need of steam cleaning.
- slick
- 1.
popular word amongst jazz musicians to describe a smooth sound, or musical moment in a song.
- 2.
adjective commonly used to describe men who will use shameless tactics in winning the attention of females.
- 3.
in reference to these or other wads of snot, waiting to be cleared from one’s breathing passage and flushed down the toilet; e.g., “Boy that Billy Bob Thornton sure is slicker than snot.”
- slut
-
a woman with an under-developed business sense.
compare to whore.
- small-talk
-
n, harassment.
- smegma
-
an aromatic European cheese, most commonly produced in Catholic nations.
- snatch
- 1.
v, to grab or steal something suddenly.
- 2.
n, the act of snatching; e.g., “Winona Ryder’s snatch was caught on video and shown in court.”
- snide
-
oh I’m sure your definition of this word will do just fine.
- snog
-
to kiss—another attempt by the English to eradicate sex through the use of terminology which makes it sound too disgusting to contemplate; other noteworthy entries in their bid to end sexual desire include shag, bugger, and Geri Halliwell.
- snow peso
-
the basic unit of Canadian currency; also, Looney; a US 50¢ piece.
- sober
- 1.
sincerely broke.
- 2.
dead.
- Social Darwinism
-
a theory purporting natural selection is the prime factor in the buoyancy of human cream–what common understanding of the theory fails to appreciate are the survival qualities of deceit, mimicry, toxicity, and violence, so obvious and manifold in nature herself and so sadly unappreciated in her highest mammals.
- Social Security
-
a good one.
see joke.
- Socialism
- 1.
emotional vampirism elevated to the level of state doctrine.
- 2.
a form of government based on the collective ownership of goods; e.g., the student council when your mother was “treasurer.”
- sodomy
- 1.
any sex not engaged in for reproduction; especially anal sex.
- 2.
politics.
- sole-mate
-
a fish-fucker’s significant other.
- sorry
-
the state of being in love.
- soul
- 1.
a futures commodity of ever diminishing value.
- 2.
the unseen motivating essence of a person; the spirit; once of considerable value, an extended buyer’s market has driven the price of this product into the sub-basement, near the furnace, where it’s very hot, you know, very hot, get it?
- 3.
the only form of currency in use by artists; the exchange rate to US dollars has been in steady decline for approximately 100 years.
- 4.
an organ similar to the appendix which medical science can find no apparent biological purpose for; some physicians recommend having it removed to prevent possible trouble in later years.
- Space Shuttle
-
at $4 billion a unit and $500 million a use, the most expensive Roman Candle the world will ever know.
- speculum
-
a utensil to facilitate the tossing of salad.
- speed
-
a better study aid than anything the Princeton Review ever published.
- speling
-
to give letters in order; alt speling, spelling.
- SPG
- 1.
abrv, an Italian term used in Singapore, short for sui pregiate genitali.
- 2.
a transnational satirical definition intelligible to exactly 0.00000000137% of the Earth’s human population and amusing to less than half of those.
- spigot
- 1.
a bigot with a speech impediment.
- 2.
a Mexican bigot.
- SQL
-
acronym, So-called Query Language.
- SS
-
a paramilitary unit originally created for the protection of the supreme leader; Secret Service.
- stage name
- 1.
a convenient way in which those Jewish, Hispanic, and Polish actors embarrassed by their heritage may achieve the success of their right named peers.
- 2.
racial marketing.
related term, pen name.
- stairway
-
a thing which common thought leads one to imagine an upward journey but which the second law of thermodynamics dictates otherwise.
- standardized
-
a level of excellence determined by averages which if represented on a time/percentage graph, would have to appear to be taking us back in time.
- State
- 1.
the space inside those lines which definitively separates God’s great indivisible nation.
- 2.
the minimum distance required for comfortable relations with one’s parents, siblings, exes, and in general one’s past.
- 3.
the left hand to that paraplegic Federal government body—a stump which grows quickly into a dexterous and many fingered limb the second it finds the opportunity to rob or intrude upon its citizens.
compare to California and New York.
- statutory rape
-
a legal term defining a criminal sexual act which occurs when an NBA player has sex with a woman less than 5 feet in height.
- stealing
-
sharing without all the unnecessary formalities.
- stereotype
- 1.
the simplicity and elegance of a fair view.
- 2.
Marantz.
- Steve, the Tao of
- 1.
a movie written by and about a pudgy womanizer whose so-called Taoist philosophy shifts from “Act like you don’t care” to “Be the best guy you can be.”
- 2.
a newspaper column written by the same guy, to spread this “philosophy” as sacrifice for years of good carnal fortune.
- 3.
the rantings of a fat jerk who fails to realize he lives in Santa Fe, NM—male population: some washed up stars, 32% of the queers in the US, and himself.
- 4.
the enlightened act of coughing to death; e.g., Steve McQueen.
- stiff
-
adj, in a cocktail, very strong; e.g., “This is for the next couple drinks for that blond woman in the corner. No, keep the change, that’s for you. Put this tablet in the second one and make them both reeaaal stiff.”
- stock market
-
a playground constructed for students of the MBA persuasion.
- stoned
- 1.
modern usage: to be addled by the sweet caress of hemp.
- 2.
Biblical usage: to be addled by the sweet caress of highly compressed sediment.
- stripper
- 1.
a well paid torturess.
- 2.
a girlfriend.
- 3.
nothing in between.
- student
-
a person not yet wise to the market value of cut street drugs.
- stupid
- 1.
one who is people oriented, or social.
- 2.
a customer service employee.
- 3.
a customer.
- Styrofoam
- 1.
fast food french fries, unless specially ordered fresh.
- 2.
what becomes of any fast food hamburger in the time it takes to cook up a new batch of fries.
- 3.
what becomes of the mind of any writer who spends four straight years battling his nation’s republic with seethingly poignant literature; thusly, the subject matter to which said writer’s work must sadly turn.
- subpoena
-
a legal document granting law enforcement agents unfettered access to one’s colon.
- sucker
- 1.
n, one’s reflection.
- 2.
a dreamer.
- 3.
a person who has been graduated from “wanting to believe” to “needing to believe.”
- sucker punch
- 1.
the ringing in one’s head or aching in one’s stomach after a purportedly free lunch.
- 2.
a promotion.
- 3.
a goodbye from one’s in-laws on Thanksgiving, followed by a surprise Christmas return.
- suicide
- 1.
oh, where to begin.
- 2.
a healthy alternative to socializing.
- 3.
the taking of one’s own life, considered a crime against God and man.
- 4.
the ending of one’s own suffering, also considered a crime against God and man, presumably because of each’s love of pain and love of company, respectively.
- 5.
the all-purpose one-size-fits-all fail-safe guaranteed-100% solution to any problem life has ever thrown.
- suicide note
-
the chance of a lifetime; the perfect final recourse for those compelled to have the last word.
- sun
- 1.
distant heat generating substance fabled to be visible during the so-called, “daytime,” for the displeasure of those who are able to venture outside.
- 2.
skin-cancer on a grid.
- 3.
what you ought to be staring into instead of this screen, loser.
- sunbathe
-
to bathe in the sun’s emissions and subsequently reap all the health benefits that immersing oneself in a soup of gamma particles, x-rays, and other chromosome splintering radiation brings.
- superb
-
from the Latin super-, above; to be above the norm; above average; 76%; C+; congratulations.
- supervisor
-
Latin for overseer.
- support-line
- 1.
a roomful of clowns answering a gag 1-800 line used to see how many times they can pass the same phone around in a circle before the caller becomes noticeably enraged.
- 2.
a recorded voice, reciting numbers which a caller is to punch in aimlessly before becoming enraged at these same clowns.
- 3.
any merry-go-round of empty reassurances and company jargon which will also ask that you please have your account number handy in order to more efficiently waste everyone’s fucking time.
- suppository
-
the repository of all supposition.
- Supreme Court
- 1.
the body of government entrusted with the most crucial and sacred job extant, defining the Constitution of the United States of America.
- 2.
nine abject fools chosen and approved by staunch Republicans and Democrats; more at Democrat and Republican.
- sure
- 1.
a manner of inflicting doubt upon a matter for sport; e.g., “Are you sure?”
- 2.
when being questioned, an excellent way to patronize the fuck out of the interrogator.
- surprise
- 1.
a Frenchman who doesn’t smell of overripe cheese.
- 2.
a Briton with attractive teeth.
- 3.
a graceful American.
- surrender
- 1.
military term, meaning to enlist.
- 2.
to marry, especially to remarry; to move in with, or commit to.
- Swede
-
an alcoholic or nymphomaniac Norwegian.
- sympathy
-
the failure to detach; discomfort.
- sysadmin
- 1.
abrv, system, or system’s, administrator; sometimes written as two words: sys admin.
- 2.
a hacker without the courage to risk it.
more at hacker.
- 3.
a programmer whose creativity in the use of configuration file field delimiters knows no bounds, assuming the bounds comprise only the range of colon, pipe, and comma.
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