- tail
- 1.
regarding animals and general nouns, the hindmost tapering part.
- 2.
regarding women, the hindmost beveled and bifurcated part.
- 3.
regarding the US Navy, the following nautical adage may be universally applied: any port in a storm.
- Tao
-
a philosophy which encourages one to be like water and flow to the path of least resistance, the drain.
- tautology
-
this whole thing.
- tea
- 1.
a hot beverage served by the British between meals, as an additional opportunity to express their distaste for one another.
- 2.
a similar beverage served in China which is the only element of their national diet not containing endangered animals.
- teach
- 1.
to impart knowledge about something previously unknown.
- 2.
to clear up a misunderstanding; e.g., “That’ll teach you.”
- team player
- 1.
a gangster; a gang member.
- 2.
one able to hold another down while the team goes to work.
- 3.
one who has no prospects for becoming a leader.
- technology
-
human development of tools; the scientific movement forward revolving around laziness, for which the body of human society is willing to step on and mangle its own reproductive organ; the future.
- teenager
-
a sort of diet human being—all the sex and murder, half the responsibility.
- teething
- 1.
a condition affecting babies whereupon they are compelled to have something in their mouths at all times.
- 2.
a similar condition affecting freshman and sophomore sorority girls.
- telecommute
- 1.
to fall asleep on a bus or train and wake up at one’s dreaded stop-point.
- 2.
what the word commute becomes to those fortunate enough to have reduced their workdays to making a few calls a day from home.
- 3.
to feel as if one has traveled by way of a couple good hours of television or Internet surfing in the early evening; numbness; multi-media paralysis; video assisted assimilation slash brain death in a box.
- telemarketing
-
what Americans generally understood “terrorism” to mean before the autumn of 2001.
- teleology
-
the study of the lives of models and moviestars.
- Teletubbies
-
an abortive attempt to create mascots for the IUD industry—the characters, each wearing a different style of device on their heads, were repurposed for children’s television, that is television for the children they failed to prevent.
- television, American
-
the new required reading, worldwide.
- temp-agency
- 1.
a self-esteem vacuum; the business of offering employees a semi-flexible schedule in exchange for all of their rights and self-respect.
- 2.
the opposite of Prozac, equivalent to a depression pill; see also bus-stop.
- 3.
as of November, 1999, spoken in repetition, “temp-agency,” (or “temp-agencies”) is legally considered an indication of intent to commit suicide, and the passer-by shall be held responsible by law to dial 9-1-1 in such instances.
more at cop.
- Ten Commandments
-
a stone artifact of divine rules which over the years has needed so many amendments that it’s been replaced by an erasable plastic bond, with the current heading: Several Modest Suggestions.
- tenacious
- 1.
a telemarketer whose commissions have fallen off.
- 2.
a telemarketer with a mortgage.
- 3.
a telemarketer with a drug habit.
- terrorism
- 1.
a fine kind of “how-do-you-do.”
- 2.
pushing the time on your spouse’s alarm clock ahead a couple hours.
- 3.
elbowing your spouse in the nose while pretending to be asleep.
- 4.
putting a carton of milk back in the refrigerator even though you know it’s been on the counter for the better part of 7 hours.
- 5.
looking or acting ethnic in an American diner.
- 6.
whatever we’re crying to the UN about on a given week.
- 7.
dozens of packages at America’s doorstep, marked “c/o CIA/FBI/NSA/etc,” topped with a card, reading: “How about a taste of your own medicine?”
- terrorist
- 1.
a mass-murderer, arsonist, bomber, etc who has the convenience of a family or community to hide behind.
- 2.
a family or community member that stands between a bullet and a mass-murderer, arsonist, bomber, etc.
- testicles
-
an illegal substance in the marble neighborhoods of the District of Columbia.
- testosterone
-
a thin chemical often compared with helium in that it’s the hot air which initiates the inflation and flight of the male ego.
- tetragrammaton
-
the four letters spelling the unspeakable name of God, pronounced Yahweh or Jehovah depending upon how one prefers never to utter it.
- Tetris
-
a type of Russian venereal disease.
- Texas
-
the only foreign country the United States has any real business bombing.
- thanatology
-
the science of accelerating appointments with the Reaper via the whittling away of one’s given hours in endless revisions and preparations for said immutable tryst.
- Thanksgiving
-
a holiday predicated on the prudence of thanking a rather unforgiving creator on a regular schedule regardless of there being anything remotely likely to be thankful for.
- therapeutically correct
- 1.
bound by self-help shackles.
- 2.
moping around with the weight of one’s therapist’s problems as well as one’s own.
- 3.
a bizarre language of selfishness—refusing to make reference of anything in the second or third person.
- 4.
beginning and ending every sentence with one’s irrational feelings on a matter.
- think
- 1.
to read too much into a matter; to over-analyze.
- 2.
procrastinate.
- thought police
-
an expression meaning a poor initial idea; e.g., “She saw her neighbor being attacked and she thought police, but thought better of it and had a good chuckle.”
- threat
-
a formal invitation to be legally murdered; e.g., “When he threatened me, officer, I was so scared he was gonna do something awful I had to kill him in self-defense.”
- Threat Level
-
a marketing system to make terror more accessible to a wider demographic as well as allow coordination of outfits based on the day’s color.
- threaten
- 1.
to discuss plainly; to describe all possible outcomes of a situation.
- 2.
legal term, to make an offer of remedy.
- Tibet
- 1.
a cute nickname for the the Chinese province of Xizang.
- 2.
a place of scenic beauty, said to be conducive to spiritual purification and enlightenment.
- 3.
assuming you can find yourself a space at the bottom of a cargo ship and are currently teetering on the edge of getting back together with an intolerable ex- and suicide, worth a try.
- timeless
-
adj, without a home; synonym, homeless.
- tinkle
- 1.
a short urinary excretion.
- 2.
a haiku; senryu.
- tipping point
-
a brilliant and entirely revolutionary concept from what is the most interesting book in years—as we understand it from just everyone we know—rivaled perhaps only by our childhood favorite, The Tippling Point.
- tired
- 1.
a dangerous deficiency of caffeine in one’s bloodstream.
- 2.
radio; television; the Internet; see also email.
- 3.
movies based on previous films, novels based on previous books, and especially works of non-fiction directly taken from the dust bins and WC magazine racks of history.
- 4.
self-referential comedy.
- 5.
self-deprecation.
- tiring
-
self-awareness.
- toll-bridge
-
a place where motorists are commonly robbed.
- tomorrow
-
the day one follows through with the resolutions made yesterday.
see yesterday.
- topical
- 1.
medical usage, skin deep.
- 2.
journalistic usage, somewhat more shallow.
- torture
-
an art form ingeniously practiced on human media with whatever untraceable implements are available; e.g., a Holiday Inn sewing kit.
- toxoplasmosis
-
a cat’s way of saying that there isn’t enough affection to spare in a given household.
- trade
-
to exchange differing commodities of equal value—as Quantum Physics teaches us, there are no equal values, even at the atomic level, we must conclude that to trade is to cheat.
- trademark
-
the mark of the Beast™.
- tradition
-
the manacles of time-travel.
- traffic cop
-
a city-bred slug, immune to the salt in one’s protests.
- traffic school
-
grade-school caliber finger-shaking, presented sometimes with excruciating comedy.
- tragic
-
political term meaning inconvenient.
- training
-
when applied with the adjective toilet, a Skinnerian exercise bent on producing Communists from age 18 months by little more than liberal application of derogatory adjectives for one’s natural inclination to take pleasure in crapping one’s pants.
- transsexual
- 1.
a shell game with underwear where one is never sure what one will find under there.
- 2.
a person whose brain chemistry and genitals did not come in a matched set—putting to rest the notion that there is any such thing as a victimless crime against nature.
- travesty
-
that that which is truthful or amusing garners death threats so handily.
- tree
-
a detritus sloughing obstacle to views of the forested horizons.
- tree hugger
-
the most common but least serious of the horticultural sexual deviancies, followed in order of clinical magnitude by the tree petter, knot knocker, and serial cross pollinator.
- trickle
-
how moneys are dispersed to American blue collar workers.
- trophy bride
- 1.
a newly wed woman holding appeal for a wide audience through her remarkable beauty and said audience’s lack of direct acquaintance with her.
- 2.
a type of prize that ages somewhat better than its bowling equivalent, provided proper reconstructive medical ministrations.
- 3.
an award which 90% of American men would be tremendously happy to win and display for a timespan expiring in six months to the day.
more at beauty.
- trump
- 1.
the final factor in a given situation; the decisive play.
- 2.
tell your mother she still owes me for Saturday–man, that bitch takes forever to come.
- truth
-
that which is agreed upon by the majority.
see also peer pressure.
- tryst
-
a set-up.
- turn
- 1.
in sexual relationships, one’s place in line.
- 2.
in housework, one’s time to shine.
- 3.
in a woman, the repulsion phase directly following successful attraction; as in one hundred and eighty degrees.
- TV
- 1.
the Renaissance of the 20th century.
- 2.
a rapturous combination of artful product information, Opraesque situational comedies and dramas, and macabre sensationalism presented as fact, strung together by the industries most highly evolved strands of primordial ooze and toilet fungi.
see also, producer.
- twat
-
diminutive for vagina.
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