- vacation
- 1.
drinking without the restraint of an alarm clock or the safety net of a significant other.
- 2.
reading the obituary page of one’s home town newspaper.
- vacuum
- 1.
the container holding popular American culture.
- 2.
the container holding the cerebrum of Jessica Simpson.
- vagina
-
what the metaphorical expression, “To dig a hole one cannot get out of,” refers to.
- vagina dentata
-
the erroneous, ridiculous, and outrageous idea imagined out of thin air by Sigmund Freud that the vagina might have some sort of emasculating or otherwise castrative properties.
- vagitarian
-
one who subsists primarily upon Crassostrea virginica or Crassostrea gigas barbatus.
- vain
- 1.
describing a person possessing vanity; one who steals rather than begs.
- 2.
pointless, futile; usually used “in vain;” see also, begging, stealing, non-alcoholic beer, decaffeinated coffee; love, romance, romantic; hope, happiness, marriage, stripper, government, US Constitution, beauty, belief, blame, cable, capitalism, cell phone, Christmas, civility, cleverness, comfort, Communism, conversation, kangaroo, karma, killing, war, wish, woman, man, hatred, question, philosophy, responsibility, salary, satisfaction, sex, shame, share, or most any other word in this or most any other dictionary.
- Valentine's Day
- 1.
a Springtime kick in the teeth, and a box of chocolates.
- 2.
a pointless erection two weeks in the making, and a box of chocolates.
- 3.
the hand hovering to jerk the needle from the vinyl in the great romance “musical chairs.”
- vampire
- 1.
what becomes of the Goth who doesn’t look good in a swimsuit and hasn’t yet achieved satisfactory retribution regarding his or her parents.
- 2.
a sadomasochist with one foot out of the closet door.
- vehicular homicide
-
to lower an Acura while adding undersized wheels and a lighted license plate frame.
- Venn
-
a mathematical way of defining a person using the most realistic method, by the circles in which one moves.
- veterinarian
-
a pussy doctor.
- Viagra
- 1.
a potion meant to save humanity from an apparently imminent extinction brought about by the flagging frequency of sexual intercourse between senior citizens.
- 2.
the beginning of the end of human existence; a way to trick evolution into destroying through genetics what warmongers could not destroy through the splitting of the atom; the trump card of phallocentricity; alt spellings, viarga, vi@gr@, v-i-a-g-r-a, and so on.
- Vichy
-
a German breed of lapdog known for its ability to roll over.
- victim
- 1.
a newly minted hero.
- 2.
archaic usage, one who had been beaten, swindled; modern usage, one who has parents, went to public school, fell in love, or has been shopping.
- video store
-
a noble business enterprise built on a long-established bedrock of American laziness, forgetfulness, and consequential tardiness in return.
see also, late fee.
- violence
- 1.
the last recourse of the idiot.
- 2.
the initial course of the fit.
- virgin
-
a young woman of remarkably poor looks living in a dry county.
- Virgin Mary
-
a theory purporting a hymen can technically only be broken from the outside.
- virtual
-
from the Latin virtu, true; truth.
- vitriol
-
rancor; bitterness; charisma.
- vocation
- 1.
one’s calling; one’s passion in life made proud service to God and man, provided it falls under one of twenty two alphabetized choices, starting with “Accountant,” and ending with “Xerox Machine Operator.”
- 2.
the computer chip some new world priest shoved up your ass during the “baptism.”
- volunteer-work
- 1.
any number of hours of community service most easily afforded and readily bragged about by rich momma’s boys.
- 2.
a spot on one’s résumé; also worth bringing up with due false humility in front of chicks.
- 3.
a cynical and self-conscious attempt to improve one’s chances of making the state college undergrad to Harvard grad genetic leap.
- voracious
-
confronted with impending drought or dearth.
- vote
- 1.
worth a try, provided your vote is going to lead the decisions of at least half a million others.
- 2.
approximately 1/1,000th as effective in causing change as a letter to your Congressman.
- 3.
approximately 1/1,000,000,000th as effective in causing change as a bullet to your Congressman.
more at Congress.
- vulnerability
-
what is often and tragically mistaken for harmlessness.
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