God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or email address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. How did you find out about God?       Tabloid       Book (other than Bible)       Television       Divine Inspiration       Word of mouth       Near Death Experience       Burning Shrubbery       Bible       Torah       Other Which version God do you currently use?       Yaweh       Trinity: Father, Son & Holy Ghost       Jehova       Jesus       Allah       God       Satan       None of the above, I was taken in by a false god Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious shipping damage, missing parts, or gross historical inaccuracies?       Yes       No What single factor was most relevant in your decision to acquire a god?       Indoctrinated by parents       Needed a reason to live       Indoctrinated by culture       Needed direction in who to despise       Imaginary friend grew up (or moved away)       Hate to think for myself       Wanted to meet virgins       Wanted to meet repentant sinners likely to backslide       Fear of death       Wanted to piss off parents       Difficulty obtaining adequate prescription       Needed a day off from work       Lack of faith in human kind       Like organ music       Need to feel morally superior       My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it. Have you ever worshipped a God before? If so, which false god were you fooled by?       Odin       Cthulhu       Zeus       The Almighty Dollar       Mother Russia       Father Germany       Ra       Bob       The Great Spirit       The Great Pumpkin       The Sun       The Moon (Wiccan Goddess)       A burning cabbage       The Bomb       Other Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.   Tarot   Lottery   Astrology   Television   Fortune cookies   Ann Landers   Psychic Friends Network   Dianetics   Chieromancy (Palmistry)   Playboy and/or Playgirl (pornography)   Self-help books   Sex, Drugs and/or Rock and Roll   Majenta   Biorythms   Bob   Tea Leaves   EST   Mantras   Jimmy Swaggert   Crystals   Human Sacrifice   Pyramids   Wandering around a desert   Insurance policies   NASDAQ   Burning Shrubbery (note: marijuana falls under sex and drugs)   None   Other God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of perceived presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?       More Divine Intervention       Less Divine Intervention       Current level of Divine Intervention is just right       Don't know ... what's Divine Intervention? God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory -- 5=excellent): Disasters   1 |   2 |   3 |   4 |   5     Flood   1 |   2 |   3 |   4 |   5     Famine   1 |   2 |   3 |   4 |   5     Earthquake   1 |   2 |   3 |   4 |   5     War   1 |   2 |   3 |   4 |   5     Pestilence   1 |   2 |   3 |   4 |   5     Plague   1 |   2 |   3 |   4 |   5     Passwords   1 |   2 |   3 |   4 |   5     AOL Miracles/Rescues   1 |   2 |   3 |   4 |   5     Spontaneous remissions   1 |   2 |   3 |   4 |   5     Stars hovering over towns   1 |   2 |   3 |   4 |   5     Crying statues   1 |   2 |   3 |   4 |   5     Water changing to wine   1 |   2 |   3 |   4 |   5     Walking on water (other than the Hudson)   1 |   2 |   3 |   4 |   5     VCRs that set their own clocks   1 |   2 |   3 |   4 |   5     Dolly Parton still has a career   1 |   2 |   3 |   4 |   5     Cubs winning the Series When you consider that God is all wise, all powerful, all knowing, all forgiving and, accordingly, already knows what you think, would you please enumerate your complaints about His behavior below? ("below" means "under here," and is not a reference to any particular place)

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