JOBS @

ADVICE COLUMNIST

Are you bitter? How bitter? Can you fight or is your Kung Fu purely verbal? Does hate mail make you uncomfortable?

Do you find the following movie review offensive?
"Blade" -negro vampires. They suck your blood and spit out the seeds.

If you can answer no to that with a straight face, are a card carrying member of Generation X, find "South Park" more trite than funny, and can drink as much whiskey as our editor then this might be the dream job for you.

POLITICAL ESSAYIST

Who was more evil: Nixon or FDR? Trick question. Neither. Both should be dug up, tried, and shot. Further -- if the statement Lenin was to Communism as FDR was-- -- to Capitalism bothers you... well, look for work somewhere else.

SCIENCE AND NATURE EDITOR

Spell Ichthyosaur. Know your Ceratosaur from your Allosaur and your Triceratops from your Protoceratops. Can you pronounce Archaeopteryx? What does a Deinonychus look like? Why is the Gobi full of fossils?

Dinosaurs are not just respected around here. They are the topic of every single conversation. A solid background in molecular biology is also helpful. Anyone with recombinant DNA experience, a good fossil and/or amberized insect collection and their own genome sequencers are given preferential treatment.

SITE PROGRAMMER

No really. Please write. We have no money so don't be deceived, but none of that other shit you've been working on gets the number of hits majenta does, now does it?

TAKE OUR SAMPLE EMPLOYMENT TEST

Let's just warm up, shall we. Remember, cheating is wrong.

Would you rather:

a. imagine that one day people will think you were brilliant
          or

b. get laid weekly

would you rather:

a. receive hateful email, daily
          or

b. receive phone calls, ever

Which of these colors do you prefer:

1. red

2. pink

3. red and pink mixed together

4. clitoral pink

5. believe three and four to be the same answer

Circle your favorite guitarist:

1. David Sanborn

2. Richard Simmons

3. Joey Santiago

(considered by our music critics to hold equal footing as guitarists).

Do you golf?

No (continue along to the next question)

No (continue along to the next question)

Will you accept assignments which require a drug test?

Will you accept assignments which require the testing of a certain drug?

Who are the three famous people you'd most like to punch in the mouth?

Were you able to maintain a "D" average or better all the way through the fifth grade?

Would you say you're most disturbed by-

1. The threat of a world-wide nuclear disaster

2. The possibility of being exposed to the A.I.D.S. virus

3. The popularity of The Spice Girls

Write a 200 word essay describing what you've done for me lately.

Which of these insults is most offensive to you?

1. asshole

2. fuckwad

3. pig-sucker

4. politician

...and from this batch?

1. queef

2. rim-job

3. crack whore

4. peace officer

INTERN

Desired skills:

• Ability to get a really good piston motion with head and neck.
• Neatness; including ability to make it to the dry-cleaners between subpoenas.
• Proved talent for keeping your mouth shut (when appropriate).
• Typing speed is not an issue.

Must have your own humidor. Cubanas and white trash given preference. Please understand this is not a paid position(s).

Forbidden words and phrases of '98:

To improve your chances of employment with our corporation it is essential that you avoid the following words during your interview:

• self-motivated
• detail oriented
• results oriented
• multi-task oriented
• bright eyed
• bushy tailed
• FAX résumé
• opportunity
• fast-paced
• team player
• temp to hire
• drug-free work environment
• drug testing
• aggressive
• desire to be #1
• cheerful