Spitting cobras are extremely dangerous reptiles. They can grow more than twenty feet in length and they live in tall grass where it is impossible to avoid them with any degree of reliability. Their bite is lethal within minutes and, as if that weren't enough, they can accurately spit venom at your eyes from ten feet away, causing excruciating pain and blinding you for hours. These animals kill thousands of human beings every year. But not to worry -- I can assure you that as a taxpaying citizen of this fine state and nation you are 100% safe because the best thing about spitting cobras is that they live in India.

As the good book teaches -- Man did not evolve from monkeys but was created, as is, by God, 6,000 years ago. The fossil and geological "evidence" that life existed some 200,000 times earlier (and that the world "just happened" some 800,000 times earlier) is seditious tripe. A trick from the Master of Lies. Satan put those fossils on the earth to keep us from the love of Jesus the Christ. And just because humans have 99% of our DNA in common with chimpanzees and orangutans does not mean we are related to them in any way, shape, or form. Maybe God was just tired by that sixth day and was out of ideas. Did you ever think of that!?!

In today's topsey-turvey world it's good to have some people that you can rely on. Maybe not to take care of you or give you drug money (like your parents or the Democrats) but just to tell you the truth. Nuns. You can trust nuns. No, that's not really any good once I think about it. Priests. No, that's right out. Uh, whew... No, wait, I'll think of one. It's important. I know there's someone you can trust. Oh, yeah, the President. Ooooh. The police! No, those LA bozos kind of fucked that up for everyone, come to think of it there have been plenty of unnecessary shootings by the Albuquerque PD and the Taos PD don't seem to be able to solve a murder case or even bring an indictment for that matter. Ummmm, your doctor -- no, dentist! Jeeze, I had no idea this would be so hard. Your lawyer? No. Your spouse? Teevee News? Your investment banker? Federal regulatory commissions? Pharmaceutical companies? Naw, that's really reaching. Canadian breast cancer researcher? Japanese patent officers? Arabs? Aw, skip it.

It was part of the deal I made with the Devil in exchange for a crippling stroke and a lingering death.

Uses: mothers-in-law, rats, large insects, employers, goldfish, rich people and anarchists alike benefit from its usage.
Range/habitat: cyanide roams the world in search other dangerous chemicals to combine with and eventually evolve into a poison based life form that will dominate the planet for eons. Cyanide prefers condominiums to duplexes and has been reported to have formed a loose axis with arsenic and the dioxan compounds.
Description: actually a dual individual, usually described as one carbon atom and one nitrogen atom who are inseparable buddies.
Enemies in the wild: poison control centers, salt, EMTs, smart people, low cyanide diets, sharks, Japanese patent officers, pure carbon, and Canadians.

Always, at all times, no matter what the cost, seem passive.

Uses: free interstellar transportation, driving your family to drink, get rich quick schemes, a topic for a best seller for those who either can't write or simply have nothing to write about.
Range/habitat: farms, Australia, beaches, Siberia, deep woods; pretty much everywhere that people spend a lot of quality time alone. And if you look up -- everywhere in that direction.
Description: usually short caucasian humanoid with a large bald head that appears quite similar to human buttocks from behind; however, various and sundry types populate the universe. For further examples see Alien, Aliens, Alien III, the Star Treks, the Star Wars, Project Bluebook, Appalachian Mountain People, A Current Affair, the Fox Network, and the like.
Behavioral quirks: a proclivity toward production of crop formations. They can be deadly, some ruthless space aliens ate my daughter and stole ideas from my desk, then they made millions with the stolen copyrights. They dress in silver only. They are very secretive. One strategy they follow to maintain this secrecy is kidnapping only stupid and crazy people so that no one will believe they're real. It's worked well for them so far.
Enemies in the wild: sharks, actual journalists, expert photograph analysts, Japanese patent officers, Cherokee and Seminole, pit bulls, and cottage cheese.

Self-preservation Lie

First among the morally acceptable lies. Now while this one seems to cover a lot of the lying bases, it is really a rather narrow category. Self-preservation means saving your life, not saving face, pride, or other intangibles. This is the only morally acceptable lie as an absolute. If you think you're about to tell one, ask yourself this simple question, "If I tell the truth what will happen to me?" If the answer is: "Brutal physical damage," then you're in the clear, tell a whopper.

None of Your Business Lie

Also morally acceptable but often misconstrued. While your salary, your age, your address, and even your name are not a stranger's business, whom you are fucking does happen to be your girlfriend's (or boyfriend's) business.

Goodwill Lie

Telling your friend you like her outfit is a perfect example of the Goodwill Lie, as is telling your boyfriend you had a great orgasm. These might be good for the listener but they exact a heavy toll over time on the teller of the lies. And the liar must ask, "Why am I friends with pigs and sleeping with a loser?"

Unconscious Lie

You tell someone you're fine when you feel rotten. While not quite evil it's not really a good idea. Unconscious Lies tend to build steam and end up as our next type of lie...

Self-Delusion

This is easily the worst and most dangerous kind of lie. For instance, certain persons lately are heard to remark things like, "I'm a professional writer."

Lie of Ignorance

This is the Pope telling Ethiopians they will go to Hell for using condoms. While strictly speaking this isn't a lie, you can see how it's not really any good either. With a median birthrate of 8.7 children in Ethiopia I daresay that if there is a Hell those Ethiopians that did use condoms will have some Polish company soon.

White Lie

Sorry, this falls outside the boundaries of the morally acceptable lie. While it seems bland and innocuous it is exactly midway between Self-Delusion and the Bald Faced Lie.

Bald Faced Lie

This is no good. This is Satan looking you in the eye and saying he's an alright fella. This is Ronald Reagan saying he couldn't remember the details concerning the Iran-Contra affair. This is your mother saying she never even met the President.

Drinking anti-freeze is something very tempting to most of us because there's a tricky little molecule involved that has the peculiar quality of making the greenish fluid taste a hundred times sweeter than sugar. Try a gulp if you don't believe it. The trouble, of course, with drinking anti-freeze is that it will kill you.

On a personal note I would like to say that I am a real Doctor though not currently licensed, that wasn't my fault. A jury said so. I don't know where the AMA gets off.

Police officers are human beings employed by a city or state to uphold the law for the benefit of its good citizens. According to each situation -- and the dependable judgement of a particular officer -- this may be done in several ways, most of which you've become familiar with through personal experience or by watching TV. The trouble with police officers is that they are often so preoccupied with their very important duties that they have little or no regard for what a terrific evening they might be spoiling by ticketing you, arresting you, shooting you dead, or hitting you many times with the sticks they carry. You should avoid police officers when you are doing anything illegal or anything that looks illegal in the two-and-a-half seconds it takes for a police officer to empty three hydrostatic rounds into you (eg: don't walk around carrying a bottle of cologne, a three inch steak knife, paint gun, what-have-you).

Cheetahs are dangerous. If you try to pet one it will probably tear your arm to pieces -- with the flesh barely dangling on the bone, which you wouldn't like -- and unlike some animals in the wild kingdom that you might be able to run away from (like crocodiles, if you run in circles, they have an awful turning radius 'cause of their short hips; sharks, which don't run well at all; or bears, which can't run downhill very quickly) you will not be able to run away from a cheetah. So don't pet wild cheetahs.

This has been bothering me for years. It's finally time to get it off my chest. Norwegians, my race, are demeaned, defamed, and the target of a huge degree of comedy and misinformation in American society. My people's language is never heard, our food is not known, our cultural treasures are plundered anonymously. From now on I don't want to be called "white" or "anglo." These are limiting, generic, and inaccurate terms which degrade me and generalize my rich heritage into a lump with dozens of dissimilar peoples. It is not a label of my choosing. From now on I want to be referred to as a Norwegian-American. Keep your racial slurs and jokes to yourself. I hear it behind my back. "Tundra bunny," "fish boiler," "fjord monkey," "ax chucker," or "Viking boy." It hurts. You don't see the pain but I cry inside every time my people are attacked, you damn racists.
        Let me tell you something, the winter Olympics would be boring as a sonofabitch without the contributions of my race. Norskers beat Columbus to the Americas by five hundred years. And don't forget who conquered Europe and Western Russia one weekend just because they were bored and out of beer.
        This brings us to the reason you should never insult a Norwegian. It is just that we could simply go nuts out of racial tension and inherited rage and put an ax through your skull or burn your house down while you're asleep. We used to do that shit all the time... so show a little respect.

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