This television script is based on characters from a screenplay. The working title of that movie is: "Copyrighted -- the consequences of 4 cent copies." This script, "Holy Snakes," is intended for cable TV (30-40 minutes) and is roughly (in movie rating) a PG-13. If you've never read a script before you might like to know that: VO = Voice Over (or off-screen voice, as in a telephone call where you can't see the person speaking), CU = Close Up, CUT is for change of camera view or scene, actors' directions are in parentheses after their names.
THINGS TO DO IN ALBUQUERQUE
WHEN YOU'RE BROKE
ASHLEY POND V
18 MARCH 1998
(characters, situations, and concepts ©1996)
INT, KOPY KAT, NIGHT
KOPY KAT, a fairly large but unpopular discount COPY SHOP,
is located on CENTRAL AVE near the UNIVERSITY OF NEW MEXICO
in ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO. The shop also does WESTERN
UNION Moneygrams, LAMINATING, BINDING, FAXING, and DESK TOP
PUBLISHING on a small MACINTOSH system.
The shop is well equipped but it is all second rate.
It has EIGHT SELF-SERVE COPIERS and FOUR FULL-SERVICE (one
COLOR) copiers behind the counter. The employees are not
required to wear any variety of uniform. The counter has a
CASH REGISTER, a RADIO/TAPEDECK, and assorted PAPER
DISPLAYS. There are THREE STOOLS behind the counter and a
few CHAIRS around the shop. There is one LOW TABLE with THE
self-service copiers for customers to do work on.
The walls and doors have VARIOUS SIGNS: "We Do Not
Accept Credit Cards." "If You Can Read This, Your Dog May
Not Come In." "KOPY KWALITY? Think KOPY KAT!" There is a
big WALL CLOCK behind the counter.
BART, 28, and TROY, 22, are copy clerks and friends.
INT, KOPY KAT
TITLE CARD: OPENING CREDITS
NO AMBIENT SOUND: SCORE PLAYS with CREDITS
All the clerks are in the shop: BART, TROY, and LUI. There is
also a new FEMALE EMPLOYEE. LUI is reading a BOOK IN LAKOTA.
The others are doing copy things.
An ANGRY CUSTOMER comes to the counter and is helped
briefly by the FEMALE EMPLOYEE. As soon as he gets his copies
in hand he starts to yell at her. BART rushes to her rescue.
The ANGRY CUSTOMER shouts at her through him. TROY tries to
help too. The ANGRY CUSTOMER is fairly rabid at this point.
The FEMALE EMPLOYEE runs to get her jacket and purse, and
walks out of the shop.
When she's gone the ANGRY CUSTOMER turns to BART with a
questioning look. BART reaches in his pocket and pulls out a
$20 bill and hands it over. The ANGRY CUSTOMER, not angry at
all now, waves and leaves.
TROY and LUI each slowly crosses his arms, shakes his
head, and looks at BART with a look of complete disgust.
BART shrugs at them. He points to his mouth (he's got a
dental appointment) and grabs his bag and heads out the door.
TROY and LUI exchange knowing glances about the horror
that is BART.
CUT
EXT, SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY, DAY
BART has just had his old FORD die on him. He's sitting on
the side of the road. The SAME TWO COPS pull up in their
POLICE CAR. BART shakes his head in despair and disbelief.
COP #1
License, registration and proof of
insurance.
BART
(Handing them over.)
Yeah. Here you go.
CUT TO
A FEW MINUTES LATER, the COP has run the insurance and
license.
COP #1
You realize this insurance is expired?
BART
No, I was unaware of that.
COP #1
It expired a year ago.
BART
Would that be '97?
COP #1
It would.
BART
Well, that explains it.
The COPS wait for him to explain how that explains it. They
stop waiting. COP #1 writes up a ticket.
BART is holding his jaw because his tooth is causing him
pain.
COP #2
You're out of warnings.
BART
I rather assumed that was a possibility.
COP #1
Here you go.
COP #2
If we catch you without insurance one more
time, we're taking you to city lock-up to
spend a couple of nights.
BART
I'm on my way to renew the policy now.
COP #2
I hope so.
The COPS drive off. BART winces while he holds his mouth.
CUT
BART is watching a tow truck take his car away; to the junk
pile. He's holding the towing receipt with one hand and his
jaw with the other. Shaking his head painfully about both.
CUT
INT, DENTIST'S OFFICE
BART is in the chair. The DENTIST is laying down tools, the
exam is over.
DENTIST
You've got some problems.
BART
I had a hunch. But I feel better.
DENTIST
You feel better because I gave you a
topical anesthetic so I could even touch
those things without you passing out from
the pain. You're not gonna feel better in
twenty minutes when it wears off. You're
gonna feel worse.
BART
Really?
DENTIST
Yeah. Much.
BART
What should we do about that?
DENTIST
Well, I'm gonna give you a Codeine
prescription because I think we both
realize neither Tylenol nor Advil is gonna
cut it.
BART
Okay.
DENTIST
And you're going to come back in here on
Monday so I can drill those things out and
fill them with something better than rotten
enamel.
BART
You got some chair-side manner, doc.
DENTIST
You all hate us anyway. So why bother?
BART
Good point. How much is this gonna run?
DENTIST
It's gonna be about six hundred dollars.
BART
(Sarcastically.)
Oh, is that all.
DENTIST
If you want me to rescue what's left of
those teeth, and you don't want bridgework
at the ripe old age of, what are you,
thirty? We can get you some starter
dentures in your head if you like. Why not?
You've got the teeth of a sixty year old.
BART
No, I'll take the Lady, thank you.
CUT
EXT, SMALL APARTMENT COMPLEX, BART'S PLACE
BART is caught by the APT MANAGER, Hispanic, 40, as he is
trying to get quietly inside his apartment. BART is holding
his jaw again. He just wants to get in and take some pills.
APT MANAGER
Hey!
BART
(Quietly.)
Hey, yourself.
(In a cordial tone.)
Yeah. What can I do for you, Mr. Roper?
APT MANAGER
Beg your pardon?
BART
Sorry, slip of the tongue, Mr. Ortega.
APT MANAGER
Rents are going up.
BART
No...
APT MANAGER
Yeah, sorry. The owners' decision.
BART
This is the cheapest building in town.
APT MANAGER
I know. That's why they're raising it.
BART
It'll still be the cheapest building in
town though, right?
APT MANAGER
Maybe no. With all the renovations it's
going up two hundred bucks.
BART
Excuse me.
APT MANAGER
Yeah, I know. But it's still cheap for the
neighborhood. And it's worth it, que no?
BART
Yeah. I guess so. Well, we'll see what we
can do about that.
BART tries to escape through his door holding his mouth.
APT MANAGER
One more thing!
BART
Yeesssssss...
APT MANAGER
They want deposits.
BART
How much?
APT MANAGER
One month's rent.
BART
I see.
APT MANAGER
And I checked the leases. You never paid
last month's rent.
BART
I wasn't asked to.
APT MANAGER
Well, now I'm asking.
BART
So you're telling me that I've got to come
up with... two, two, four, four... with twelve
hundred bucks on my next rent check?
APT MANAGER
Yeah, sorry. But I've got clear
instructions from the owners. And any
tenant who doesn't catch up is out. I'm
really sorry.
BART
Sorry? Out? Sorry? He's sorry. You're lucky
my friend Troy isn't here. He'd fucking
kill you.
APT MANAGER
Hey! Don't you talk to me that way.
BART
I'm in a lease, Chiquito. As long as I pay
my rent I live here, and I get to say
whatever I want, and for twelve hundred
bucks I think I get to say: fuck you, good
day.
BART slams his door on the APT MANAGER.
CUT
INT, KOPY KAT, DAY
BART and TROY are working the counter on a mildly busy shift.
Several people are on self-serve machines. BART and TROY are
making copies while they talk but not waiting on the FOUR
CUSTOMERS on self-serve.
Two EXPENSIVE PROSTITUTES, (LETTY, 28, black, attractive,
and ALICIA, 25, hispanic, beautiful), are inside, talking
with a MAN they seem to know. He's making copies.
BART
My teeth are rotting outta my skull. You
know that glorified hygienist wants six
hundred and change to fix 'em and he knows
he can get it 'cause it'd take me a month
to get in to see another dentist and ask
his opinion unless I want to do an
emergency call which may make it cost even
more. My car is up on blocks with a blown
fucking engine. I got a hundred dollar
ticket for no insurance and I can't even
afford the towing fee let alone dropping a
rebuilt engine in it. It's got so many
other problems that the engine is still
just about the best thing about the piece
of shit. I just about got killed on the bus
by some big crazy fucking cracker. They're
talking about evicting me at my building,
man. I can't afford to live in the student
ghetto with your honkey undergrad ass.
Rent's way too high down here. What the
hell am I gonna do? I can't move into some
little one room rat trap to save money and
I sure as hell ain't taking a roommate
aboard.
TROY
Wow.
BART
What?
TROY
Never thought I'd hear you complaining
about regular things. It's nice for a
change.
BART
Don't you get it, you dick? If I don't come
up with about five grand by Friday then I'm
homeless, carless, toothless, and soon to
be jobless.
TROY
It'll work out. You'll see.
BART
Fuck you. Man, you better hope that there's
no way for me to make money off of you
dying. 'Cause until I'm square with my
rent, in a new coche, and smiling right, I
don't have any friends. And I'm
high as a lithium kite on this codeine and
a lot of things that seemed unsavory to my
Victorian mores this morning are starting
to make perfect sense.
TROY
I'm one of the only people in town as poor
as you. Unless you take out some flight
insurance on me and get me into an air
crash I ain't worth a plug nickel.
BART
I know people in the travel industry,
mother fucker.
TROY
Calmate, vato.
BART
(Surprisingly loud.)
I'm too relaxed right now!
Everyone in the shop stops and looks to BART at the counter.
He turns around to get a soda out of his bag.
The two prostitutes, LETTY and ALICIA, walk to the
counter.
BART pops another codeine and washes it down with a
MOUNTAIN DEW.
TROY
Evening, ladies.
LETTY
You're a funny kid.
ALICIA
I don't think he's funny or a kid. I think
he's a sexy man.
TROY
Thank you. Thank you very much.
LETTY
You wouldn't know sexy if it had McDonald's
ad agency. Sexy is our good brother, Bart.
BART just about does a spit take with his Mountain Dew.
BART
(Alicia is pronounced, uh-LEE-see-uh.)
Hi, Letty. Alicia.
TROY
Need any copies? Bench warrants, bail
records, movie stars' and politicians'
phone numbers, that sort of thing?
LETTY
Everyone's a comedian.
TROY
I just like to anticipate the customer's
needs.
ALICIA
My kind of boy.
TROY
Man.
LETTY
What?!
TROY
(Somewhat unconvincingly.)
Um... man.
ALICIA moves her attention to TROY. They speak together in
the background.
LETTY comes up to the counter to talk to BART in semi-
privacy. He's not excited about it.
BART
What can I help you out with, Letty?
LETTY
I was wondering if you were looking for a
date.
BART
Even if I had the money, which I definitely
don't, I haven't had a date
(Miming quotation marks.)
in years, you know. I wouldn't know how to
go about it.
LETTY
Well, you see, I'm between managers, honey,
and it gets powerful lonely when you've got
nobody who knows how to treat a lady. When
gentlemen are paying for it they figure
they don't have to work, dig?
BART
Word.
LETTY
And just between you and me, Bart. Because
of what I just said, this would be a free
date. You understand.
BART
Excuse me?
LETTY
I'll even buy you dinner too. Anywhere you
want.
BART
What are you talking about?
LETTY
Baby, I've wanted you since I laid eyes on
you.
BART
Letty, I've got a lot on my mind right now.
I'm getting thrown outta my apartment, I've
got no car, I'm high on painkillers, I'm
sorry but I can't think about dating a
prostitute right now. You know? I saw
"Leaving Las Vegas". That shit ain't for
me.
LETTY
I've got a nice apartment. I don't work out
of there. You can stay as long as you need
to.
BART
Mostly I just need money.
LETTY
I got money, honey.
BART
Not the kind of money I need.
LETTY
You sure? I bet I can at least help out.
BART
Nah, I think I gotta take care of this one
on my own.
MOVE TO
TROY and ALICIA's conversation.
ALICIA
I sure like you, Troy.
TROY
Thanks Alicia, me too.
ALICIA
I think you're handsome and sexy.
TROY
You too.
ALICIA
So, you wanna date?
TROY
With you?
ALICIA
Sure. You're my type.
TROY
Actually, you're mine too.
ALICIA
So how about it?
TROY
Yeah, okay. Um, are we going Dutch?
ALICIA
That's extra but anything you want is okay
with me.
TROY
What do you mean "extra"?
ALICIA
Oh, Troy I like you a lot but this isn't a
free date, you know.
TROY
I see. ...Say, Alicia, just out of curiosity,
how much is a date with you?
ALICIA
Without or without the Dutch thing?
TROY
Well, you know how much money I make in
here?
ALICIA
Yeah, I guess.
TROY
Would it be a day's pay?
ALICIA
More like a month, I'd expect.
TROY
Well, this date is just gonna have to wait
then.
ALICIA
Oh, Troy, don't disappoint me.
TROY
Alicia...
The SAME TWO COPS are outside and the LETTY and ALICIA see
them coming.
LETTY
Oh, boys, quick. Let us out the back.
ALICIA
Yeah, please hurry.
TROY
Okay, come on.
TROY takes them in back. BART waits for the COPS. They enter
the shop wordlessly and walk through from the NORTH DOOR to
the WEST DOOR. BART doesn't say anything either.
TROY comes back up front.
BART
Kooky town we live in.
TROY
That's Kooky with a K and that rhymes with
J which stands for Jail if you move in with
a hooker.
A GANGSTER (Sammy), 35, white, comes to the counter. He looks
like a pimp from Florida. He's wearing a Hawaiian shirt under
a single breasted jacket. He's got aviators on and pomade in
his hair. He looks like he wishes he were Cuban.
BART
Yeah?
SAMMY THE GANGSTER
Gotta Western Union to send.
BART gives him a form. He fills it out.
BART
Four thousand bucks?
SAMMY THE GANGSTER
Yeah.
BART
That's, eh, uh, a big one.
SAMMY THE GANGSTER
I send bigger all the time. Just never in
Albuquerque before.
BART
Wow, how about that?
TROY gives BART the evil-eye then leans back against the
counter with his arms folded, staring at BART.
The GANGSTER gives BART the money in one bundle out of a
pocket.
BART counts it and takes the form. Goes to the COMPUTER. TROY
watches him the whole way. BART punches it in. Gives the
customer the receipt.
BART
Here you go. It's there.
SAMMY THE GANGSTER
Thanks.
BART puts the money under the register. TROY steps over and
takes it immediately. He puts it in his front apron pocket.
BART
What's that all about?
TROY
I'm your friend.
BART
Friends like you, I gotta move in with a
hooker.
TROY
Just keep your mind on the copies.
BART
(Mocking him cruelly.)
Just keep your mind on the copies.
BART looks away from him and sees that the GANGSTER is still
outside the shop. He stands there for a minute.
BART downs another codeine with his Mountain Dew.
The GANGSTER pulls a crumpled BROWN PAPER BAG out of his
jacket pocket and throws it away. It looks like trash. He
walks off.
BART is only barely watching him. He does a triple take
when the guy throws out the bag.
BART watches the street for a moment. He walks to the
door. TROY is busy with a CUSTOMER.
CUT TO
EXT, KOPY KAT, DAY
BART pokes his head out the doorway of the shop. He looks up
and down the street and the block.
The SAME TWO COPS go walking by.
BART
'Sup? Is the city safe today?
The COPS shake their heads at him.
BART watches them go around the corner. He looks up and
down the street one more time. He shuffles to the trash can
and picks up the BAG and shuffles back inside quickly. He is
somewhat sly about it.
CUT
INT, DENTIST'S OFFICE
BART is just sitting down in the chair wincing with pain. The
DENTIST is preparing stuff for fixing his teeth.
CUT TO
BART is standing, shaking the DENTIST'S hand and smiling.
CUT
EXT, APT BUILDING, FRONT DOOR OF MANAGER'S APARTMENT
BART is standing with Mr. Ortega, the APT MANAGER. BART
counts out twelve hundred bucks into his hands.
CUT
EXT, USED CAR LOT, DAY
BART is attended by a USED CAR SALESMAN. BART is walking
around and around a used TAURUS that says: "$2,995-" in huge
yellow print, on its windshield.
CUT
INT, KOPY KAT, DAY
There are FOUR CUSTOMERS on self-serve copiers. BART and TROY
are doing small jobs behind the counter. BART is whistling
"DIXIE" and bouncing loosely on his toes while he works.
TROY
You're sure in a better mood today. You
haven't bitched once about your fiscal
status yet.
BART
You're a real keen observer.
TROY
How did you get to work?
BART
Drived.
TROY
Your car's fixed?
BART
In a manner of speaking.
TROY
What does that mean?
BART
I got a new car. Well, it's used but it's
new to me.
TROY
Your teeth?
BART
(Smiles wide and happily.)
TROY
Your apartment?
BART
Having a video party this Sunday, wanna
come?
TROY
I thought so.
BART
Thought what?
TROY
You have any... deaths in the family?
BART
Nopers.
TROY
Playing the lottery?
BART
Sucker scam.
TROY
(Pauses then asks very friendly.)
...Where'd'ja get the money?
BART
(Quietly.)
Remember that Florida pimp looking Western
Union that came through here?
TROY
Yyyyyesss. But I took that money to the
bank myself.
BART
After he did his Moneygram he left and
stuffed a paper sack in the trash outside.
TROY
Okay.
BART
On a hunch I went and retrieved it.
TROY
Oh, good cheese.
BART
There was six grand in it.
TROY
(Sincerely upset.)
There was not.
BART
Yeah there was.
TROY
You gotta give it back.
BART
Hey, he threw it away.
TROY
You're crazy if you think so. That was some
kind of gangster business.
BART
Not a chance. I've seen real gangsters. He
wasn't a gangster. His suit was single
breasted and he was wearing a Timex for the
love of god. Does that say, "Gangster," to
you?
TROY
You wouldn't know a gangster from a
contractor if he put your feet in cement
and built a hotel over you, and it doesn't
matter anyway. Stealing is wrong, man.
BART
I know that. What makes you think I don't
know that? It was a temporary lapse in
judgement.
TROY
There's no such thing.
BART
I know that. What makes you think I don't
know that?
TROY
Why did you do it?
BART
I needed it!
TROY
Oh, that's the most fucked up thing you've
ever said to me.
BART
And plus, I took a few extra codeine pills
on account of my teeth and a lot of
caffeine which interacts a bit with it so I
wasn't really right in the head.
TROY
You're still high, aren't you?
BART
This stuff takes about eight hours to wear
off and I'm on a triple dose now. Want
some?
TROY
No! You're still not thinking straight. You
gotta get that money back so when they come
around for it you can hand it to them and
tell them some story about it.
BART
How am I gonna do that? Give 'em the keys
to my apartment, my new car, and offer 'em
a handful of teeth. 'Cause that's where the
money is and it ain't coming back. And
who'm I supposed to give it back to? Tell
me that.
TROY
His number's on the Western Union receipt.
We'll call him. The car was the most
expensive part, right?
BART
Yeah, three grand.
TROY
Take it back, I beg you. I'll help you come
up with the other three.
BART
Goddamn, you're so paranoid you make Nixon
seem well adjusted.
TROY
That guy's gonna kill you, Bart.
BART
I don't think so. Nobody even saw me.
TROY
That's the biggest road in the city out
there! Every shop along this way has
windows. Somebody saw you.
BART
Crazy people are always digging through the
trash around here. Come on. Nobody notices.
TROY
Well, if he does come back and kill you.
It'll serve you right.
BART
Anyway, I'm outta here.
TROY
I can't believe this. What are you doing
tonight?
BART
Taking in a show, I feel so good.
TROY
Watch your back.
BART
It must be interesting to be you. Thank god
I get to observe and not participate.
BART leaves the shop.
CUT
INT, TOPLESS-BAR
BART is sitting at the BAR with his face in his palms. He's
staring up at the half-naked GIRLS smiling like a little kid.
He washes down another CODEINE PILL with a COKE.
One of the GIRLS dances in front of him trying to get a
response and some money. He puts his face in his hands like
he's scared to watch and shakes his head shyly like a little
boy.
CUT
EXT, TOPLESS-BAR PARKING LOT, SUNSET
BART walks out of the bar with a big smile and some lipstick
on his face. He gets in his car and pulls out of the lot.
CUT
INT, BART'S TAURUS, CITY STREET, SUNSET
He drives in a little bit of a daze. He is not watching
traffic. He looks more like he's enjoying a hot bath. He's in
a codeine daze dreaming about the dance-girls.
WHAM! He rear-ends a huge customized truck with a great
big bumper.
CUT
EXT, CITY THOROUGHFARE, JUST DARK
Both cars are stopped almost on the shoulder of the road.
BART shakes it off and gets out. It's easy to get out
because the door has popped mostly off. BART's okay but
disoriented. The other DRIVER, 20, Hispanic, gets out to
inspect the damage.
The truck is completely unharmed. BART's new TAURUS,
however, is totalled; complete write-off.
DRIVER
Where'd you learn to drive, pendejo gringo?
BART
You okay?
DRIVER
You're lucky my truck's okay.
BART
You know, I know that.
DRIVER
Chingando gringo. Go back to California.
BART
Have a nice night, ese.
The DRIVER gets in his truck and is off, burning rubber in
the process. His radio blaring Mariachi trumpets and singers.
BART
How about that?
CUT
A few minutes later: The SAME TWO COPS have arrived. Their
PATROL CAR is behind the wreck with its lights spinning. They
are at BART's wreck with him. They've already run his
insurance stuff.
COP #2
What did I tell you yesterday!?
BART
That I was out of warnings and something
else I don't remember. Have a good day, or
something like that.
COP #1
What he told you was that you were going to
jail if we caught you without insurance
again. This isn't just no insurance, it's
phoney insurance.
COP #2
Turn around.
BART
Don't slap 'em on, okay?
COP #2 puts the cuffs on BART, and starts to hustle him to
the PATROL CAR.
COP #1
Maybe forty-eight hours in lock-up with
Albuquerque's finest citizens will
encourage you to pull head out of your ass
and come up for air.
CUT
INT, CITY JAIL, COMMUNAL CELL
A CORRECTIONS OFFICER, 25, male, beefy, is putting BART into
the COMMUNAL CELL. There are only two others in there. One is
a DRUNK DRIVER who is sleeping through his time. The other is
a large BULL-QUEER, 24, muscular, redhead, who takes an
interest in BART but doesn't move toward him.
BART
Hey! I want my phone calls, man!
CORRECTIONS OFFICER
(With irony while walking away.)
We're a little busy in the switching office
right now. Would the morning be good for
you...?
BULL-QUEER
Hi.
BART
Hello.
CUT
INT, KOPY KAT, MORNING
TROY is cleaning in the shop; wiping down copier glass, etc.
There are no customers. LUI is in the back of the shop. He
looks at the clock. He goes to the phone. He dials Bart's
number.
TROY
Hey, man. You're late, as usual. Get your
monkey ass outta bed. You can finish your
Spiro Agnew dream on Sunday!
He hangs up.
Two GANGSTERS (FRANK, 25, and LOU, 50, both Italian) walk
in the shop. They are wearing sports jackets that clash a
little with their pants. They look like New Jersey business
men.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
Hey there.
TROY
Hello. What can I do for you?
FRANK THE GANGSTER
Lookin' for, uh, Bart. That you?
TROY
Nope. He's not here. But I'm sure we can
help you?
FRANK THE GANGSTER
Yeah, I'm sure you can. You got anybody
else in here? In the back maybe.
TROY
Yeah, there's another clerk in the back.
Why?
LOU THE GANGSTER
You know asking questions in the beginning
of learning, I always say.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
Yeah, I'll bet we've got a real smart kid
here, asking so many questions. Show us how
smart you are, kid.
LOU opens his jacket and he's got a SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN with a
pistol stock in a holster at his side. FRANK also opens his
jacket for TROY and he's got two FULL-SIZE .45s in shoulder
holsters.
TROY
(Nearly dumbstruck...)
Are those things real?
FRANK THE GANGSTER
Real as you and me. For the moment, anyway.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Why don't you call that other clerk up
here?
TROY
Lui! I need you.
LUI comes out of the back. He's carrying a BOOK IN DANISH.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
Smart boys in here. I wouldn't know how to
run one of these computer things.
LUI
What is it, Troy?
TROY
(To the Gangsters.)
I'm not sure what you want. But we'll do
whatever you need.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
Real smart aren't'cha?
LOU THE GANGSTER
You know a smart kid would always
understand how to help himself out.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
You got anybody else in here right now? In
the bathroom maybe?
LUI
No.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Great. Frank, why don't you take this nice
smart Chinese in the back and I'll wait up
here.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
What d'ya gotta go and say my name for?
LOU THE GANGSTER
These boys are plenty smart. So it don't
matter. Does it, boys?
TROY
No, sir.
LUI
Troy?
TROY
Just go with him, Lui. It's okay.
FRANK takes LUI in the back of the shop.
LOU THE GANGSTER
So, you a friend of this Bart?
TROY
Uh, kind of more of an acquaintance I
guess.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Uh-huh?
TROY
Work buddies, you know.
LOU THE GANGSTER
How much does he work?
TROY
Same as me.
LOU THE GANGSTER
How much is that?
TROY
Full-time. Some nights, some mornings.
LOU THE GANGSTER
How about this morning?
TROY
Uh...
LOU THE GANGSTER
It's okay, kid. I know you want to help
your friend. But your friend made a mistake
and you have to let it go at that. You
don't want to make a mistake too.
TROY sees plainly that LOU can see the WORK SCHEDULE on the
wall. He knows lying is useless as well as dangerous.
TROY
He's supposed to be here now, actually. We
were a little worried.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Well, I'll tell you what. Let's just wait
awhile. Looks like his shift just started.
Maybe he's got a flat or something and
he'll call or be in any minute.
TROY
Yeah.
CUT TO
ONE HOUR LATER.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Well, that's long enough, I think. Hey,
Frank! Get back up here.
FRANK brings LUI back up front.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Listen. I'll tell you what. It's not
necessarily too late to turn this thing
around for your friend Bart now.
TROY
I hope not.
LOU takes a KOPY KAT CARD and writes on it.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Here's a number. If Bart decides he would
like to make things right--if it was all
just a misunderstanding--he can call this
number and perhaps it will all go away.
TROY
I'll make sure he gets it.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Good kids. I tell you. People complain
about kids today but I think you're all
good kids.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
You know the Chinese kid was telling me all
this stuff about Rome in the real old days.
Un-fuckin'-believable stuff about this guy
Caligula.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Smart kids too.
The GANGSTERS leave the shop.
LUI and TROY give each other looks that are relieved,
freaked-out, and terrified.
The phone rings. They trade looks about it. TROY reaches
for it.
CUT TO
INT, CITY JAIL, PAY PHONE
BART is on the pay phone. TROY answers on the other end.
TROY (VO)
Hello, Kopy Kat.
BART
Hey, Troy. Man, you will not believe it.
They got me.
TROY (VO)
(Really concerned.)
Who got you?!
BART
Them. They. The big Those Two. The same two
cops, man. I crashed my new car.
TROY (VO)
No way.
BART
Yeah, really. They ran my fake insurance
card and ran me in. The fucker's like: it
was time I did time. My money. I'm out
almost three grand for that car. What the
fuck am I gonna do?
TROY (VO)
You gotta listen to me, man.
BART
My dime: you gotta listen to me. I'm in
jail!
TROY (VO)
No! Listen: there were two guys just in
here. They were here to kill you, man.
BART
Excuse me.
TROY (VO)
This is not a late April Fool. They were
loaded for Kodiak. Showed me and Lui the
guns. I thought maybe they were gonna kill
us but they were only here for you. They
kept us stuck sending customers away for an
hour while they waited for you to show up
for your shift.
BART
Who told 'em I work now!?
TROY (VO)
The schedule's on the wall, man!
BART
Okay. Okay. Okay, think, man. Don't panic.
There's a way out of this.
TROY (VO)
Yeah, get six grand and give it back!
BART
You know that's not possible. It's all gone
now!
TROY (VO)
These guys were not fucking around, Bart.
They left a number for you to call so you
can give the money back. If they know your
name and where you work they're gonna get
around to your apartment.
BART
You gotta help me, Troy. You gotta get me
outta jail and get me some money.
TROY (VO)
How much is bail?
BART
Ten percent of ten grand. A thousand.
TROY (VO)
A thousand? That's really high!
BART
I don't know. It was kind of weird. Maybe
they're holding me here for those guys to
come get me. Troy! You gotta come get me
now.
TROY (VO)
Even if I stole everything in the shop
tonight, and emptied my savings account
that would only be about four hundred
bucks, and you know I don't have a car.
BART
Lui! Lui. Is he there?
TROY (VO)
Yeah.
BART
Ask him, man. He's gotta be rich with all
that sideline nuclear stuff he does.
CUT TO
INT, KOPY KAT
TROY pulls the phone down to his should and looks at LUI.
LUI
Don't look at me. I just spent all my cash
on some plasma etching gear that the
University was too cheap to order for the
department. I've got lunch money until pay
day or my Popular Mechanics check comes.
CUT TO
INT, CITY JAIL, PAY PHONE
TROY (VO)
No good. He's got less than me.
BART
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.
TROY (VO)
Why didn't you give that money back?
BART
It's a little beside the point to be saying
that kind of shit to me now isn't it!?
TROY (VO)
Sorry.
BART
I'll work it out.
TROY (VO)
How?
BART
I don't know! I'll think of something.
Don't go anywhere I may have to call you
back.
TROY (VO)
Yeah.
BART
Bye.
CUT PHONE CALL
INT, KOPY KAT
TROY hangs up the phone. LETTY and ALICIA are walking in the
shop.
ALICIA
What's wrong, Troy? You look awful.
TROY
Bart's in jail and I think a couple of guys
are gonna kill him when he gets out. He
needs a mess of cash and we don't what to
do for him.
LETTY
(Sounds happy...)
Reaaaally?
TROY
(Oblivious.)
Yeah.
LETTY
Well, see you, boys.
ALICIA
Hey, I wanted to see Troy.
LETTY
Look, there he is. We've got things to do.
Let's go.
CUT
INT, CITY JAIL, VISITING ROOM
BART is seated across a table from LETTY. ALICIA is in the
background talking with the CORRECTIONS OFFICER.
BART
Letty, hey. How are you?
LETTY
How are you? You've never been inside
before, have you?
BART
Well, not like this, no.
LETTY
I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am
you're in this jam.
BART
It's nice of you to come see me but I don't
need condolence, I need pictures of
Benjamin Franklin about yay-big and yay-
deep.
(Gestures the size of a $100 bill
and the depth of a stack of 60 them.)
LETTY
Baby, I been telling you all along. I got
money.
BART
Six grand? And bail money?
LETTY
Shhhure.
BART
On you?
She pats her purse. And shrugs.
BART
Pardon my skepticism. I'm used to
associating with a segment of the
underclass that normally has trouble making
rent. May I take a peek your purse?
She opens her purse and tilts it so he can see across the
table into it. His eyes bulge.
The BULL-QUEER has just come out to the visiting area. He
is eyeing BART while he waits for his visitor.
LETTY
You ready to go home, baby?
BART
What'd I gotta do for that money?
LETTY
This ain't the Disney channel. You gotta
use your imagination. Then triple whatever
you come up with, honey.
BART
Can we work out some kind of time limit. I
mean in your business that should go with
the territory right?
LETTY
Sure, honey. I'll be sporting. Even though
you're an amateur I'll give over what I
get. Same rates I charge.
BART
What's the, uh, going rate for this sort of
thing?
LETTY
This ain't a vanilla sundae I want. So
believe me you're getting a high rate. For
what I'm gwanna be askin, honey. You've
just gotta put in about twelve hours.
BART
You're that expensive?
LETTY
You're lucky I am or it would take longer
to pay me back. Don't fret. You don't have
to finish repaying me all at once.
BART
Installment plan, eh? Devious.
BART looks around the jail once. The large BULL-QUEER who has
set his sights on BART blows a kiss at him.
BART
What'f these installments come, so to
speak, three minutes at a time?
LETTY
That's up to you, baby, but realize that
twelve hours divided by three minutes is
two hundred and forty payments.
BART
Fantastic Gravy! Guess you develop strong
math skills in your line.
LETTY
I was thinking more along the lines of
three payments.
BART
Four hours apiece?!
LETTY
You're young, honey.
BART
Four hours, three times? I don't even work
out.
She smiles and shrugs at him.
BART
How are you gonna enforce this contract of
ours? What's to stop me from taking the
money and never paying up.
LETTY
I've got a brother. Clyde. He wouldn't need
no six grand to kill you. He'd do it for
twenty bucks and general principles.
BART
I see.
LETTY
It's okay if you say, "No." I see you're
already makin' friends in here. So maybe
you don't need my help.
BART looks back at his big friend and chooses life.
BART
Can you get me outta here, like
immediately?
LETTY
Sure, I know the bail clerk personally.
CUT TO
EXT, CITY JAIL, DAY
BART is leaving the JAIL. LETTY gives him a few stacks of
bills. He stuff them into his shorts.
LETTY
Don't spend it all in one place.
BART
I'm afraid that's the idea.
LETTY
Good luck.
BART
Thanks. Really thanks for everything.
LETTY
See you soon. Thank me then.
BART's expression is somewhat grim, trying to look happy. He
waves goodbye to her and heads off.
CUT
INT, KOPY KAT, BACK ROOM, DAY
BART is there with TROY. The MONEY is on the desk in front of
them.
BART
Give me the number.
TROY gives the card with the GANGSTERS' number on it.
BART picks up the phone. He puts it back down.
BART
I just got an idea.
TROY
What's that? Have yourself committed if
this all works out?
BART
That's not funny.
TROY
Now you know how it feels.
BART
Are you done?
TROY
What's the idea?
BART
I'll tell 'em I'm sending a friend to
deliver the money.
TROY
Uh! I'm not taking that money to a bunch of
gangsters.
BART
No, dumbass, I'll take it but I'll tell
them I'm somebody else.
TROY
That's a good idea, I think.
BART dials the number.
BART
Yeah, this is Bart... ...uh, huh... ...yep, it was
a tremendous misunderstanding. I can get
your money to you now... ...Okay, let me write
that down... ...one more time... ...Okay, got it...
...yes, in an hour... ...wait... I'm gonna send a
friend of mine... ...because I think it's
better for everybody... ...no, no, no... ...one
hour.
CUT
EXT, WAREHOUSE, DAY
BART is walking up to the WAREHOUSE carrying his "DUKES OF
HAZARD" LUNCHBOX. He goes to the door of the warehouse. It's
got the address printed over it. He knocks. The door opens a
couple of inches. The face of FRANK THE GANGSTER, appears in
the crack.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
Who the hell are you?
BART
Eric. I'm a friend of Bart's.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
What are you doing here?
BART
He sent me with something he said belonged
to you all.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
What's that?
BART
He didn't tell me. He said I didn't want to
know. He just gave me this lunchbox and
said to bring it down to this address.
That's all I know.
LOU THE GANGSTER (VO)
(From inside.)
Let him in already.
The door opens and BART enters.
There are three GANGSTERS at a card table with DRINKS,
POKER CHIPS, and CARDS. They aren't playing. They are: LOU,
JERRY, Cuban, 35, and a YOUNG GANGSTER, 18, Irish. As soon as
BART is inside FRANK locks the door and frisks him. He pulls
BART's wallet out and takes the LUNCHBOX from him.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
This says you ain't no Eric. This says your
name's Dexter Rothrock.
BART
I was scared, you know, that you'd find me
later or something. I know Bart pretty well
and I didn't want to get into any shit just
helping him out. He was really scared and
it freaked me out too.
JERRY THE GANGSTER
Listen to that. A good kid. Folks need more
friends like you.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Yeah, you're our kind of kid.
BART
Thanks...
LOU THE GANGSTER
How's the weather out there?
BART
Uh... ...nice.
LOU THE GANGSTER
We don't get to get out of here for the
whole damn week. This is the last time I
buy that crap about a vacation. I'd rather
be in Newark if we don't get to see the sun
anyway. At least we can get something I can
eat.
BART
Say... Don't I know you?
LOU THE GANGSTER
I don't know. Are you a big fan of people
who kill other people for stealing what
wasn't theirs to take?
BART
No. ...I'm, uh, really only interested in
politics.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Oh, sure. You probably saw me with Alfonse.
I was doing some campaigning for him for
awhile. Oh, there's a good fella!
BART
U.S. Senator D'Amato?
JERRY THE GANGSTER
Oh, yeah, I remember when he used to come
by the Deli on Hudson. Oh, you remember
those fuckin' sandwiches Art would make!?
LOU THE GANGSTER
Oh, do I? I remember this one time I had
Dmitri Two Shits, you remember him? Well, I
guess if I'm gonna tell this story I got a
confession to make. I'm the one that
whacked him.
JERRY THE GANGSTER
Oh, no. I loved that guy.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Yeah, but what are you gonna do?
JERRY THE GANGSTER
He was so funny.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Yeah, maybe too funny. Anyway, that was
back when Gotti was still just a captain
and Dmitri got funny with his cut of this
coat check thing they were running outta
the Carlton or some place. So I had him up
in the deli upsidedown on a chain, bleeding
him out so it wouldn't make a mess to cut
him up for the garbage truck. And papa Art
is making up one of those pastrami
sandwiches he used to do with that un-
fuckin'-believable mustard he used to make.
JERRY THE GANGSTER
Oh, I cry in my sleep for that mustard.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Well, it was my first one. Anyway, he looks
over at me pouring the second bucket of
blood down the toilet and asks me if I
wanna try one. I said, eh, why not--not
knowing, you realize, what I was saying.
BART's jaw is hanging open.
LOU THE GANGSTER
He had that one on order so he went out and
I kept working on Dmitri.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
I can't believe you whacked Dmitri.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Hey, I do what I'm told. You should
remember that. Anyway, I'm sawing up the
last big pieces of him on the butcher block
when papa Art comes back with another
sandwich for me. Oh, it was so good. I'll
never forget that. He even had a side of
spaghettini for me with marinara. Oh, what
a prince that man was. We made sure he had
more customers come through there than any
Deli in the neighborhood.
LOU THE GANGSTER notices BART again.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Hey, kid, what were you here for again?
BART
(Pointing at the lunchbox Frank took.)
Uh, the thing that... ...Uh, my friend Bart
gave me this to bring you guys.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Okay. Gimme the lunchbox. Siddown, kid.
FRANK gives LOU the LUNCHBOX. BART sits. LOU looks in the
LUNCHBOX briefly.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Hey, Tommy, look into this.
The YOUNG GANGSTER takes the LUNCHBOX and opens it in the
background. He counts the money.
LOU THE GANGSTER
You got any money on you?
BART
Not really.
LOU THE GANGSTER
You play cards?
BART
Sure.
LOU THE GANGSTER
'Cause we were thinking about playing
cards.
BART
Oh, I got gambling money.
LOU THE GANGSTER
That right?
BART
Maybe a hundred bucks.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Ah, that's a good coupla hands for
somebody, anyway. Who's in?
JERRY THE GANGSTER
Me.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
Why not?
YOUNG GANGSTER
(Finishing counting.)
Looks good here, Lou.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Good job, Tommy. Get that back to Sammy and
tell him if he screws up on another drop
that's it. You can tell him I said that.
That's it. Okay?
YOUNG GANGSTER
(Running out the door with the money.)
Got it, Lou.
They are all at the CARD TABLE. JERRY, sitting at BART's
right, is shuffling and getting ready to deal... assembling
chips. LOU pours out FOUR DRINKS from a bottle of CHIVAS.
LOU THE GANGSTER
(Whispering to Bart.)
Between the two of us, Frank don't play
well... go after him.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
Hey, I fuckin' heard that, you mutt.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Oh, relax, have your drink, Frank.
BART
Can I ask your advice about something, Lou?
If I can call you Lou.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Of course, kid. See, that's nice. Polite.
Kids today aren't polite. It's my
generation's duty to bring up you kids
right. So you don't end up like Frank.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
Don't you do it, Lou. Don't test me.
BART
Um... should I be playing to win?
LOU THE GANGSTER
(Laughing hard.)
Oh, did you hear that!? We have a tough guy
here. Oh, he's gonna clean you out Frank.
Oh, Frank this kid is gonna go home with
all your money.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
I'm telling you for the last time, Lou. I
don't care! Don't bust my balls.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Are you gonna let this kid beat you at
cards?
FRANK is quiet, staring at BART. JERRY starts dealing.
JERRY THE GANGSTER
Okay, whites are five, reds are ten, and
blues are twenty. Buy what you need. Five
bucks to play. Five card draw. No tricks.
This ain't no soup kitchen. No credit.
BART buys a hundred dollars in CHIPS, antes up, and picks up
his cards. FRANK continues to stare at him, picking up his
cards without looking at them.
BART
So... ...How about that fucking son of bitch,
Giulianni?
JERRY and LOU laugh. FRANK doesn't.
JERRY THE GANGSTER
Oh, I like this kid!
LOU THE GANGSTER
Can we give him Frank's job?
BART
(Looking at his cards skeptically.)
I'll open for forty.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
(Standing up and slapping his cards down.)
That's it!
LOU and JERRY also stand up. All three GANGSTERS draw GUNS
while they stand. This is a visual parody of the final scene
of "RESERVOIR DOGS". BART is initially terrified.
FRANK nervously shifts his aim from BART to LOU to JERRY
and around again. JERRY and LOU only aim at FRANK. BART
doesn't look so scared at all now.
LOU THE GANGSTER
You always were an idiot, Frank.
JERRY THE GANGSTER
Yeah, come on, Frank. Don't let's do this
thing. I don't wanna haf't'esplain to
Gloria when I get back.
FRANK holsters his gun and sits back at the table.
LOU and JERRY raise up drinks to toast. BART grabs his
and follows along, they wait for FRANK, he finally picks his
up and they toast.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Boat drinks.
They all throw back their drinks.
BART
(To Frank while picking up his cards.)
If you think you're getting a misdeal that
way, you're crazy, bro'. Who's in for
forty?
FRANK THE GANGSTER
You fuckin' mutts.
CUT
INT, KOPY KAT, NIGHT
BART and TROY are in the shop. There are a couple of
CUSTOMERs but it's quiet.
TROY
I hope you learned a lesson. Never steal.
BART
The lesson here wasn't, "Never steal." It
was, "Never steal from killers." God,
you've got to do something about those
logic leaps. They'll get you into trouble.
TROY starts cleaning a copier.
BART is on his way out of the shop.
BART
Remember, you have to call me Dexter for a
couple of months.
TROY
You look more like a Josephine to me.
BART
Well, see you around, sucker.
TROY
What're you doing tonight?
BART
Enjoying freedom and my amazing life. My
incredible ability to get away with things
that would kill a mortal such as yourself.
LETTY and her brother, CLYDE, enormous, 22, are at the door.
They come in.
LETTY
(She has an immense box of TROJANS.)
Hi, Bart. I'm ready if you are.
BART
I... I... I-yi-yi...
LETTY
Oh, this is my brother, Clyde. He's gonna
drive us over to your place.
CLYDE
Yeah.
TROY
Have fun, kids.
LETTY
See you, 'round, Troy.
TROY
See you, Letty, Clyde.
CLYDE
Yeah.
The three exit the shop and TROY begins counting out the cash
box, smiling to himself. Then he sits down, laughing hard.
CUT/FADE UP
TITLE CARD: CLOSING CREDITS
INT, WAREHOUSE
LOU, FRANK, TOMMY, JERRY, and BART are playing poker again.
It's dark and smokey. FRANK is seated at BART's right.
There is an IMMENSE PILE OF CHIPS in the middle of the
table; maybe two thousand dollars worth. The game is clearly
hours old.
BART
How about it, Frank?
FRANK THE GANGSTER
I'm thinking.
LOU THE GANGSTER
You want I should grow old?
FRANK THE GANGSTER
I heard that.
LOU THE GANGSTER
A'course you heard it, you idiot, I said it
right to you.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
Fuckin' mutts.
BART
...Frank?
FRANK THE GANGSTER
(Pushing a stack of blue chips in the kitty.)
Okay... yeah, I'm in. Let's see 'em.
BART lays his cards down. He's got the 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 of
HEARTS.
LOU laughs, throws his cards down, and puffs on his
cigar. TOMMY looks like he's gonna cry and keeps looking at
his cards like they might change. FRANK is ready to kill.
JERRY THE GANGSTER
Jesus Christ! Forgive me. A natural
straight flush? I've never even heard'a
that shit before.
BART
(Sweeping up chips.)
With Frank watching me, you think I could
cheat?
FRANK THE GANGSTER
Fuckin Jewish mutt.
BART
Frank, how many times I gotta tell you, you
dago retard? I'm not Jewish.
LOU THE GANGSTER
You tell him, kid.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
Fuckin' wise-ass Jew mutt.
There is knock on the door. The GANGSTERS all reach for guns.
LOU THE GANGSTER
Open it, Tommy.
Tommy, the YOUNG GANGSTER, gets up and opens the door. It's
LETTY.
BART
(Standing and putting his jacket on.)
Ahp! That's my girlfriend. Jerry, you hold
onto those chips for me and don't fuck
around, I was keeping track.
JERRY THE GANGSTER
Yeah, okay, but I'm takin' ten percent.
BART
(Going to the door to meet Letty and exit.)
Ten is a good friendly number. Let's stay
friends, Jerry. Boys.
LOU THE GANGSTER
See ya' tomorrow night, kid.
YOUNG GANGSTER
See ya', Derrick.
JERRY THE GANGSTER
See ya'.
FRANK THE GANGSTER
Fuckin' mutt.
- THE END -
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